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Old 05-04-2017, 09:07 AM   #21 (permalink)
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I know people who- after 15 years of being sober- drank. They report that it was like the day after the last rock bottom they had- but 1 day worse. Time means very little. My own experiences with relapse agree with this. In fact -worse also means heavier drinking, more falls/black outs/damage/lies/cheating/stealing- whatever. Addiction takes no prisoners. Addiction is an obsessed lover that requires the victim's entire devotion. Ignoring this lover is not tolerated- even to the point of death. It is not rational- so cannot be defined by rational thought. Be it chemical, genetic, a disease- allergy, intolerance or disorder- who cares? For me- it just is. I can theorise, define, rationalise away my behaviours. It does not make any difference- I CANNOT DRINK. Therefore it is far, far more important to firmly fix in my mind's eye- this inevitable FACT. The why's then need to be tackled. For example- I have seen in the recovery program I am in - an army of counsellors. I keep in regular touch with my doc- and see a psychologist. The general consensus is- great you are not drinking. That is not so important as now- to WHY. They all say that- accept no booze, stabilise- then work on myself. Some even thought the booze was immaterial (I do not agree).

Addiction sucks. Relapses get worse. I cannot drink. Just is.
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Old 05-04-2017, 12:01 PM   #22 (permalink)
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doing the things we know will have the best effects on ourselves and our happiness are also the things which require the most effort as you say above for every effort you reap the benefits.

I've relied on instant gratifications instead, unwilling to put in the required effort or simply not bothered when I had a easier option infront of me, out of laziness and out of that need to have the quick fix instead of having to work for it and it seems that more and more people are coming to rely on the abundance of quick fixes instead of putting in the work. Fad diets, medications, shortcuts etc. Again I question myself as to why I still do this when I know 100% that the more effort you put into something the more you get out of it. Can I really have become that lazy and ungrateful that i'm not even bothered to put in a bit of effort to give myself a good life.

.
I will use the fiddle and guitar analogy. I went to few workshops and I remember one thing that was stressed: Becoming better at playing is NOT a magic formula really, (providing you have a basic ear for music.)
You need to practice. And you don't need to practice for 5 hours a day even. But you do need to practice. Turn off the TV, get off the computer and just practice. Every bit of practice and effort you put into the instrument you will get back 100%.

Also, with a good wood instrument, the more you play it and older it is the BETTER it sounds. It doesn't matter what it looks like. In the bluegrass world looks just don't matter for most part. What matters is the sound, the tone, and the SOUL you can express through the music. And, you don't get into bluegrass for the money as it is not a big money maker. You do it for the heart and soul. The workshops given at bluegrass festivals is FREE and anyone can attend. The performers are approachable, you can even jam with them if you like. This is a 'grass' movement in more ways than one. It is kept simple on purpose, all accoustic, no amps.

And, IMO, the best country music vocalists were bluegrassers first. Here is a short list: Vince Gill, Ricky Skaggs, Patty Loveless, Alison Krauss, Chris Stapleton, Travis Tritt.

What's my point? People really do yearn for the basic roots. Even rock bands tend to do an "unplugged" version of theirselves.
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Old 05-04-2017, 12:18 PM   #23 (permalink)
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I know people who- after 15 years of being sober- drank. They report that it was like the day after the last rock bottom they had- but 1 day worse. Time means very little. My own experiences with relapse agree with this. In fact -worse also means heavier drinking, more falls/black outs/damage/lies/cheating/stealing- whatever. Addiction takes no prisoners. Addiction is an obsessed lover that requires the victim's entire devotion. Ignoring this lover is not tolerated- even to the point of death. It is not rational- so cannot be defined by rational thought. Be it chemical, genetic, a disease- allergy, intolerance or disorder- who cares? For me- it just is. I can theorise, define, rationalise away my behaviours. It does not make any difference- I CANNOT DRINK. Therefore it is far, far more important to firmly fix in my mind's eye- this inevitable FACT. The why's then need to be tackled. For example- I have seen in the recovery program I am in - an army of counsellors. I keep in regular touch with my doc- and see a psychologist. The general consensus is- great you are not drinking. That is not so important as now- to WHY. They all say that- accept no booze, stabilise- then work on myself. Some even thought the booze was immaterial (I do not agree).

Addiction sucks. Relapses get worse. I cannot drink. Just is.
It's so very accurate what you are saying and im only starting to realise that my approach has been backwards. After posting here I started reading many threads on AVRT (which I just made a post about as im still trying to learn and understand how I can make it work for me) and its made me realise clear as day that attempting to explain and understand the illogical and irrational is pretty much a lost cause. I was agonising myself trying to understand why instead of just accepting that it IS. I was stuck in the mind frame that if I knew the motives behind my actions then I could prevent them in future circumstances and when I was unable to find no motives it started driving me crazy.

Im so glad I came here and posted because I would have continued on thinking in this destructive way and never considering to just accept that there is no reason, that it just IS.

I realise i first need to change my approach to recovery in the way you said, that first and foremost I need to fix the thought into my head that I CANNOT USE. It seems simple now but i guess I never really told myself that or firlmy secured that fact into my head. I was more fixated on figuring out why I use which was always going to be a long road to understand and which in a way still left the window of use open in my mind.

I feel my eyes have been opened. I feel it should have been the obvious first thing to tell myself yet I never consciously and firmly planted in my head that any use of cocaine was not to happen. This is what is so great about these forums. I've also been to so much therapy etc and this simple idea has never been suggested yet seems so obvious as the first step. The advice you get from others who have overcome their own demons is invaluable and this forum has made me feel determined and strong again to just say NO when i was feeling so useless and low..

thank you so much
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Old 05-04-2017, 12:22 PM   #24 (permalink)
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I know people who- after 15 years of being sober- drank. They report that it was like the day after the last rock bottom they had- but 1 day worse. Time means very little. My own experiences with relapse agree with this. In fact -worse also means heavier drinking, more falls/black outs/damage/lies/cheating/stealing- whatever.

Addiction sucks. Relapses get worse. I cannot drink. Just is.
Also wanted to add that when i relapsed it was indeed worse. As if I was making up for lost time and just wanted to push as much as I could. Spanning over two weeks I also definitely feel at the end of it I felt just as bad as I had been when I had been in the deepest depths of addiction. Seems common then that people seem to relapse with a vengeance
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Old 05-04-2017, 12:22 PM   #25 (permalink)
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s'ok
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Old 05-04-2017, 12:22 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Yes I very much agree and feel if we didn't live in such a money-driven consumerism society people could maybe feel more at peace. Most of us don't have basic lives anymore and go from one worry to the next, spend our time doing things we don't particularly like and enjoy out of necessity and end up neglecting doing that what we need to nourish our souls... I think a lot of joy and peace can be found in nature, a walk through a quiet forest or swimming in the sea where you are able to just simply enjoy the earth we're living in and take a moment to appreciate it as in everyday life (especially living in a city) you're going from one building to the next, traffic everywhere noise and chaos and I feel it cuts you off from the natural world and from nature which is so important for our mental states...

Also you mention and realise in your post that you may not have had gratitude for something you should have and this is something i've often considered as I too seem to lack gratitude for most things and simply take things for granted. I think at least acknowledging this behaviour and realising you should start to count your blessings rather than your shortcomings is the best anyone can do as many people I know would never even take this into consideration..We have come to expect certain things in life and until it's taken from us only then do we seem to realise how lucky we were to have it in the first place, especially if health related.

I often feel that if I was more grateful in general I wouldn't be abusing and pushing my limits as much as I do but as much as I try to tell myself and think about how lucky I am in some areas I still seem to just expect it and take it for granted. Another why, another disappointing trait.

Ultimately I think addiction can make a person selfish and disconnected, my addiction has been very isolating and the last things on my mind at the time were going out into nature and doing the things which help me escape in the best of ways but in my recovery although I often still want to isolate and binge watch tv episodes or something else where I can easily escape, i've found that making myself do these things has been the best thing ! I've noticed both times I relapsed was when I began to get lazy and quit putting effort into doing things which made me feel alive and rather began searching for those quick instant gratification things instead!

Definitely going forward something to keep in mind and not allow myself to fall back into that lazy and isolated frame of mind!
Well, it's very easy to get "caught up" in a noisy, busy world. And we can tolerate that a certain amount of time...but then there is something inside us screaming for some peace and quiet. Maybe that's why my mom would have us turn off the TV and all go outside and play for awhile at times!

I was really quite spoiled in a sense growing up. There was all this natural beauty, nature and it was in many ways unspoiled, untamed. I was able to drink it all in on a daily basis. There were no neighbors within eyesight! My "playground" was AMAZING!

And, because we did not have electronic gadgets to occupy our time, we learned to play music. We learned to work with horses, which is another analogy of getting as much out of it as you put into it. And gardening. The more effort you put into a garden the better the produce. I think effort is most always rewarded. But, it's okay to take those mental breaks too. Sometimes a person just needs to veg out for a bit.

No, it doesn't do a whole lot of good to DWELL on the "whys", but it's good to address the underlying issues. For example, to ask oneself, "Why am I unhappy?" "Why do I not have peace?" Too many people don't even stop to realize they ARE unhappy and don't have peace. All of this requires a person to pause and consider.....but it's good to then move on to action. "Why am I unhappy, and what am I going to DO about it?" For some, the short-cut answer is to get that temporary 'feel good'. And I think that is where a lot of addiction gets started.

So, it's a beautiful, sunny, gorgeous day here in my part of the world. It would be a CRYING shame to not get outside and drink it in. The air is so fresh, the grass so green, the sky so blue, the flower buds so awesome, the dogwood trees , oh!! Have a wonderful day!
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Old 05-04-2017, 12:26 PM   #27 (permalink)
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We've all done things to disappoint ourselves and others. No, it's not so good to dwell on our failures. We are human and we can only do so much. To be human is to err. It is perhaps this pressure to be a perfect person that can drive a person into addiction in the first place. It is in accepting yourself, flaws and all and learning to live with yourself substance free that is going to help a person learn to live without feeling like they need their drug of choice. Realizing, "Hey, I'm flawed, and that's okay." I'm not going to use over it.
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Old 05-04-2017, 12:42 PM   #28 (permalink)
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And, IMO, the best country music vocalists were bluegrassers first. Here is a short list: Vince Gill, Ricky Skaggs, Patty Loveless, Alison Krauss, Chris Stapleton, Travis Tritt.

What's my point? People really do yearn for the basic roots. Even rock bands tend to do an "unplugged" version of theirselves.
You seem to have a deep appreciation of music which is definitely something I relate to. I love beautiful music of most categories (providing they actually use instruments instead of computers to make their music with ). The music I love most is indeed music from my childhood that my dad would often play that i mostly ignored back then but which ive come to love and appreciate. It is true when you say that we yearn for our basic roots. Even in the music i chose to listen to its as if im yearning for a simpler time.

I don't listen to a lot of country music but I appreciate it for being what I consider 'real' music. Music which portrays the artists talent as a musician and lyrics with meaning. Some of the popular songs of today are so shallow and awful after hearing them a few times you can't bear to hear it again but great classics produced for the love of music not the love of money can be heard over and over and over again and they still remain just as beautiful. Poetry in music.

Ive always absolutely loved piano. I have always wanted to learn to play better as used to have lessons as young and the couple of songs I can play (badly) make me happy. I would love to improve and have often considered lessons but when it came down to putting in the effort to actually do it I never bothered. Shame. Real shame. These are the things I should be spending my time with. These are the things which can offer you that fulfillment you seek.
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Old 05-04-2017, 01:24 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Good music really does tap into something deeper....it gets to not only the heart of a matter, but the soul. And it's that "soul" thing that separates out okay music from the very best. I play piano too, but it's not as portable as the stringed instruments. One thing our Scots-Irish ancestors brought across the Atlantic was the fiddle; partly because it was so portable. I am grateful they did. My mom came from dirt poor folks in Appalachia, but they always had good food and they always had music. Something to fall back on. And, through the years I have relied on the music to get me through a lot of things. But remember, the voice is the first instrument and the human voice is "there" when other instruments may not be available. Acapella singing is quite special in its own right.

You spoke of not being able to "moderate". This goes back to balance. Being able to balance it all out. When someone is in good health there is a healthy balance going on. They are neither too skinny nor too fat. They're neither under eat or over eat. They get enough rest, but get enough activity. They get enough fluids without getting fluid over load. It's all a big balancing act. Same with healthy relationships. There is a balance of power; a balance of having time for enjoying one another's company; a balance of sharing. It's all about balance. I think the more imbalanced we are the more we might be tempted to cave in to using when we feel weak.

There are a lot of things we can have in our lives that help us to balance it all out...but like you pointed out earlier, we often look to material things and having the next latest and greatest "new" thing to make us feel as though we are "balancing", but that can be deceiving as gaining more material possessions just doesn't do us justice in the long run....and we find ourselves going back to those basic things anyways....
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