Why?
I just don't understand how I can be so ignorant and stupid as to continue to relapse on cocaine knowing fully well what the consequences may be.
Posted a while ago when I first relapsed as was such a disappointment, had undergone surgery to rebuild my septum and at the time was just so convinced and determined that this coke ordeal had reached it's end. I really believed it. When I gave in and decided to relapse when all was said and done I struggled to find an explanation as to how I could be so stupid, how I could put so much at risk when there are no benefits in return, how I could allow myself to go back after I had been months without.
Was a bad relapse but regained control. Thought to myself that was it, convinced myself to learn from relapse, remember how I felt at the end of the binge, learn lessons such as no matter how much I tell myself ill only allow myself one night, one gram etc its all lies. I really thought I could take it as a lesson and would help as a preventative measure.
So why am I back here? Why am I doing this? There is no reason and it only causes pain. My nose will collapse, I underwent surgery and was lucky enough to be able to correct it (mostly) so why am I taking that for granted?
How can I be so stupid...
Do I just not care? Do I still feel as if no serious consequence that can't be reversed will happen to me? Do I even care if it does - am I not deserving? I've been so damn lucky, soooo so damny lucky and gotten away light in situations which could have been so much worse. I felt lucky that it was my nose that forced me to stop using and not something worse. I felt lucky that It was something I could correct and fix. I told myself not to push my luck. Not to take it for granted.
But that's exactly what i've done...I seem to be betting with my life all the time as if I didn't care whether I will live or die. But I do care, I have so much to look forward to, I have so much life to live. I'm gambling with losing that all when it means so much to me.
How can I be such a hypocrite? How can I continue on in this weird forced denial and attitude of ill be fine when i'm generally a logical person? How can I know on one level that i'm simply fooling myself into thinking i'll always come out okay, and on the other level despite logic telling me otherwise still just believe it...
How can my twisted feelings of belief overcome logic and sense? What exactly am I waiting for to happen to shake me out of these delusions? What is there inside me i'm not understanding that seems intent on causing me to self destruct. Im not an unhappy person, I have a good life, I have everything I could want and a bright future to look forward to. Why am I throwing it all away?
Why has the girl who had so much potential become such a damn failure...