RailDawg777

Cranking the jams and it definitely boosts the endorphins Sugar.

I have a pretty nice drum set so I can really let loose.

Feels so dang good.

Yes a lot of what is happening is the Xanax talking to you. That is some powerful stuff in it's own right.

Beating it and never doing that again is critical.

I'm done. I have to be. Like everything in my life I took it to the red line... to the max.

I have always been on the edge in many ways. Weeks alone hiking or taking this boat I have alone on Lake Powell into the wilderness.

Or the swamps of Louisiana. It's crazy being alone but I love it.

Again I am so proud of you. You have climbed a steep mountain this week. Others may not have achieved what you have.

We need to live our lives now clean. I've seen the red line with Vicodin. I walked up to the abyss and the abyss looked back into me.

But I conquered it by stepping back and taking the path back home. And I am at home.

Thank you so much Sugar. Keep writing lets get a couple weeks behind us!!

sugarangel

Hey...

I think that's a great plan. I'm not going anywhere. Like you, I need to be done. Popping 90 mg of vics and a couple xanax at a time is no way to live. I always overdo everything too, trying to reach maximum velocity. And to think I started with a half a pill a day!! If I start again, I will be right back there in a couple weeks. Nah. I'm done. I really, really can't do this again.
So, I laid in bed for a few hours and watched t.v. I am dead tired. I haven't slept in like 24 hrs or something. Last night was terrible insomnia. Hoping I can sleep tonight. It's making me stupid!!
What you said about your boat brought back so many memories of when I was a kid, going boating and camping in the summers. I really miss that. There's nothing like a faceful of fresh air and waterspray!!
Maybe I should try the drums. Sounds like a great way to relieve some agression!! I would love to smack something right now!! Lol. Just kidding. Sorta.
I used to play the guitar, but I hocked it a while ago for drugs. And I haven't played since. Didn't feel I deserved to after selling it for drugs. I miss it though. I used to play all the songs off the Fleetwood Mac Rumors album over and over again for hours. I loved that.
Maybe someday soon.
Feeling better. This day went faster than I thought it would. Thank God for small favors.
How are you doing?

RailDawg777

Thanks for sharing with me Sugar.

My wonderful wife is sometimes around and I can't let her see me on this forum.

How I hid this for so long is beyond me.

She's very sharp (and Latin) and so is pretty good at smelling things out.

Several times she asked some questions about $$$ and why I was going to a certain country every week.

Please keep posting. I actually still feel sick. It comes in waves and right now it's that cruddy feeling of W/D.

No desire to use though. If I found any of my hidden stashes I would flush them.

You sound sooo much better though. Hope you sleep tonight. It has been very hard for me too.

Keep writing kiddo.

sugarangel

Hey...
To be honest, I don't kno how you kept it a secret for so long either!! Do you ever think about telling her? I mean maybe she would understand more than you think? To just lay your cards out on the table and show your hand? I mean, I don't kno. I am terrible at giving relationship advice!! Whatexer you decide, you deserve a happy, sober life.
I am sorry you are waving out. I am, too. Had a nasty one hit a little while ago and it won't go away. Feels like someone else is controlling my body, and I'm just along for the ride, you kno? The good news is I made day 6!! I am officially over the hump and in new territory. Kinda cool!!
Hang in there. Keep posting. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Hope. Dream. We can soon. We are getting there!!
So, so proud of you.

RailDawg777

Day 8 begins!

Day 7 for Sugar!

I'm surprised I'm still feeling somewhat nasty from the WD's but it's not overpowering.

Just a feeling of being tired mostly.

Tomorrow I head back to work and I think I'll be ok. Sure glad I had the time to go through all of this without having to work.

I don't think I could have worked feeling so bad.

For you at Day 7 now you are definitely into the better days now we just have to not justify using thinking we can start with a low dose again.

Because I reached almost lethal levels of both hydro and acetaminophen I simply can't start over again.

I would way too quick get to those deadly amounts.

Anyway congrats on Day 7. Keep writing and let me know how you're feeling.

Please keep it up.

RailDawg777

Kind of a rough morning. Still feeling sick from the W/D's.

Part of me wants to use knowing how good I would feel.

But I know there's no way and I need to power through the day.

I thought Day 8 this would all be past but no I'm still feeling it.

It will only improve.

RailDawg777

Sugar you out there?

Just checking...

sugarangel

I'm here.
You aren't alone.. I am having an awful, terrible morning too. I didn't sleep again last night and I had the worst panic attack this morning. It took me down completely for hours. I felt just sheer terror. It was terrible. I haven't had a panic attack like that in a really long time.
I have a bad feeling about today, Dawg.
I am just barely hanging in there right now. By my nails.
I am so, so sorry you are feeling bad, too. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and fix this both for us right now. And there goes the addict in me wanting instant gratification. Wanting it to be ok RIGHT NOW!!
Maybe I'm just not meant to be sober.

RailDawg777

Sugar I think we have to be sober.

It's not just about you and me.

It's also about our family and friends that depend on us.

This is a lousy day for me. I went outside but I feel sick. Why does this happen on Day 8?

You think you're beating it and then it reminds you it's still in charge.

I could find pills today but I just can't fall back in. Neither can you Sugar. Getting to Day 7 without being in detox is incredible.

I KNOW the worst is done. I'm not flat on my back aching. I just feel sick and it's hard knowing the easy fix is no more.

Don't let me down.. Get through today. I understand completely where you're at.

sugarangel

Thanx Dawg...
I kno you get it. What you said about being sick and knowing the easy fix is no more really hit me. That is exactly how I feel, too. And I don't want to let my family, myself, you, everyone here down. I just feel really helpless and miserable. Still hanging on, but I don't kno. I am so disappointed in myself.
Just sucking one breath in after another. Trying not to freak the hell out. There are going to be pills literally steps away in a few, and it's like a beacon. Just sitting there.
I really, really have to stop thinking.

sugarangel

Btw, in case I forgot to say it, congrats on day 8!!

RailDawg777

Sugar you have to flush any pills that come into your home or your hand.

You know that right? I had stashes in a dozen places but if I found one I would flush.

We can fool everyone else with our lies but should we really be fooling ourselves?

No you're not meant to live your life not sober.

Anything you and I think to get high is simply the drug trying to pull us back in.

I came so close to getting busted.

Are you going to trash those pills?

sugarangel

I don't know. I am having the worst battle with myself. I just don't kno. I played the tape through to the end. I kno the outcome. I'm just finding it hard to care about tomorrow when right now I just want out.
Came here though, instead.

sugarangel

My head hurts so bad. Have had a headache for like a week. Won't go away.
You ok?

RailDawg777

Listen to me on this headache.

I have gotten rid of thousands through something I learned in Thailand long ago.

At the base of your skull on your right side I want you to feel along that right edge until you feel a muscle that is tight,

It's going to be a thin muscle almost to the far right but not quite behind your right ear.

The muscle will be very tight... like a violin string.

Along that muscle runs a nerve that goes to right right eyebrow.

You need to locate this tight muscle at the base of your skull and push on it... hard. It's going to ache and if you do it right you'll feel pressure over your right eye.

By pushing on that muscle it will release it's strain... and your headache will be either gone or almost gone.

I've done it a thousand times for people with 100% success. Every time.

You need to get rid of that headache. It can drive you to use.

Don't give in to the drug Sugar. Please. Is there anywhere like a meeting you can go or anything you can do to not use?

Get rid of that headache.

Marcus

Don't mean to butt in on the thread, but glad to see you both are still hanging on and supporting each other. It helps to know you are not alone. Getting through withdrawals is definitely not easy and as addicts we usually want the quick fix / solution. You have both come so far - don't give up now.

I relapsed again and again. Sometimes right away / sometimes made it a few months or more. If you are struggling bad I would suggest at least trying a meeting (regardless of what your opinion of them is). Share where you are at. Fellow addicts can relate and it does help.

Unfortunately I had to learn the hard was as many of us do that if I wanted to have any chance of being content and build up some self worth and feel truly free I was going to have to ride out some tough times. Drinking/Drugging were just never ever going to be a solution to any problem. I get the F-it mentality where I don't care about tomorrow or the consequences I just want to feel better NOW!

It is hard to get out of your head sometimes, but sitting in those thoughts and just letting them swirl will eventually overwhelm you. That is why for me outside support was so important - Alone I can justify and talk myself into just about anything. It is great you both are posting here and supporting each other - keep it up. It will get easier - not all of the time, but a majority of the time.

Also just because I know I don't want to use and don't want to keep repeating the cycle it doesn't mean I am not going to have cravings or thoughts. They are just cravings and thoughts and you are perfectly okay where you are in this moment. Cravings and thoughts are normal - it is just how we deal with them at first which feels abnormal. We are used to just popping a bunch of pills to escape.

I know the struggle all too well, but you are both doing great and are at a turning point. The time is now - don't let your brain talk your heart out of it. Hang in there :-)

sugarangel

No. Here is all I have right now. I am learning the hard way now why people are always saying you need a plan. Back up or something. I need to reevaluate some things, because this fly by the seat of my pants thing isn't working so well.
Still hanging on. So sorry for the drama. You have so much you are going thru, too. I haven't forgotten that.
I tried what you said for my headache, but I think I did it wrong. I will try again. Going to take some more ibuprofen, too.
God, I wish this day were already over!!

RailDawg777

Sugar that muscle is at the base of your skull on the right.

Along that bottom edge between the hard bone and soft neck muscle.

It will be the only tight muscle that goes up from your neck onto your skull.

Marcus is making some really good points.

He has kicked H many times... I can't even imagine trying to get off of heroin or Oxy.

So what he says makes a lot of sense and I'm going to re-read what he is saying.

You need to be strong Sugar. Take a hot bath or shower.

And don't you dare keep pills just in case. That is cheating lol.

I feel like crap and I'm going to stay home another day.

Keep writing.

RailDawg777

Marcus:

Thank you so much.

Your words mean a great deal especially with two of us pulling through the other side of W/D's.

sugarangel

I just read your post, Marcus. It was right on point, honest, and I really get what you are saying. Thank you.
I am going to have to man up somehow. Just not sure how yet. And I have been fighting against going to NA for a long time. I need to rethink that. I need to rethink a lot of things.
Thank you both for being here and just talking to me. It means a lot.