sugarangel

Hey final...
Good to hear from you. Sorry for what's happened tho. Hope you are doing ok today.
I have no idea where Dawg is, but I'm here. Feel free to jump on this thread. I am on day 1 of no opiates, but I have been in hell really for the last 3 days. Tomorrow is day 1 again no xannies either. I am feelin' this wd. The last couple trys have been so excruciating. Seems like the wds have gotten impossibly hard. My brain feels like it's dying from lack of pills. Oh man, I just don't kno how much more I can take.
Went to op appt yesterday. Was an epic fail. Tried to go to na meeting. Walked all the way there in the dark, sick as hell and was told meeting didn't exist anymore. So, I trudged back home, tossed my cookies and cried like a little girl. Yesterday was just so incredibly awful. Disappointing. Tiring. Frustrating beyond. I guess that's life.
I have no idea what to do for myself now. How to handle things. What to do next. Thank God for SR, because without here, i dunno...
Anyway, life sux right now. Feels like it always will. Sorry to be so down, but I am struggling hard. And I can't find any hope anymore. I really hope thats the wd's talking because I have been having some very scary thoughts. Seriously scary fantasies about quietly and painlessly checking out. A bottle of vodka, a hot bath, a razor blade and then no more ******* fighting thru every second of every damn day. I am not going to do anything stupid, so no worries, but the thoughts are there. And they are persistent. I don't want to die. But, on a cellular level, I am aware that things are deeply wrong.
I am sticking with therapy cuz clearly I need it, and I told her all about the thoughts, so she is aware. So ix my mom. I am trying to save myself, but i think right now I am just too sick and tired to care.
Well, that was a fun, uplifting post. Not. Thanx for letti g me verbally vomit all over you guys. I am just the life of the pity party these days.
Thinking about all of you. Let me kno how goes it final. I'm so rooting for you.
Love you guys

teatreeoil007

Sugar: Thx for your post and the honesty. Yep, WD's suck and the rollercoaster of addiction sucks. Kicking sucks. It just sucks. I got sick and tired of being a hamster. But quitting is not easy. Addiction is beyond clinging. It's like a vice-grip...which when I was a kid that was the scariest looking tool in my dad's tool shed. It gets a grip on you and just squeezes and squeezes and squeezes....I am glad you are seeing your therapist and sharing all this. Glad you still come here and share no matter what is going on....we all need to help one another; that's how it works.

teatreeoil007

Final time-glad to hear from you too. You are a big help always. Don't give up no matter what. Keep coming; keep sharing.

sugarangel

A vice grip. Yes. Awesome analogy. And oh so true. And dang those things do look scary.
I always say I feel like a deer in headlights or a cornered animal. But then I always remember that line in GI Jane...Something about never seeing a wild thing feel sorry for itself. Something like that anyway. Pity is a purely human emotion. Logically I get that. But emotionally?? Well, that's a little different.
Ok, 2 Broke Girls marathon here I come.
Thanks T. So much.

Marcus

Final great to have you back! :-)

Marcus

Sugar sorry life is sucking so hard for you right now. I don't have a ton of wise words for you at the moment. I so get the feeling of hopelessness you are feeling. The idea that I would be completely okay with life being over already. You are probably going to have to push through a few more days of this, but we are here for you. Go easy on yourself and don't give up.

Hang in there and try to smile and laugh a bit. Time for bed over here. Another day in the coal mines. Check back tomorrow!! :-)

teatreeoil007

You're welcome, S.

When I was in labor with my first baby and got to be around 9 cm and nothing for pain I felt that my hips and back were being squeezed by a vice grip. I had "back labor".....ugh.....didn't have any clue going into it how that could hurt. But the vice grip squeezing was the best way I could describe it.

I don't know what to do about pity. In my experience it doesn't seem to help to read people the right act on that one. It's something they have come to see on their own. How to get over it? I don't know for others, but I just have somehow train my thoughts elsewhere somehow. The thing is that many people do have very valid reasons for pity.

finaltime

wow. good stuff ladies. I am hear. start of day 3. The fact that I do this to myself over and over and over again is to daunting. I feel the same way you guys, how much easier it would be to just end it. I am not there, not even close and think death would be way worse. At least right now I have a chance. I know these feelings will pass. And I know once my body is detoxed I will be feeling good again I will want to use again. probably sooner than later. I wish I could have a video of my life. Year after year, days after days, I have done this. Good than bad, used, not used, up and down, broke and not broke, working out not working out, men, no men, happy about life, thinking life has sucked ass. At 38, I have learned that no matter what things will pass and as long as I keep getting up and going things will get better. I am also working during this time and being a mom which includes dinner, homework and you name it. Granted she is 5 now almost 6 so she is much easier. Even getting her lunch box, handing papers for me to sign, you name it.

So put on elf last night and laid in my misery, picked up around the house a few times but for the most part laid in misery. Woke up during the night with the hard core yellow runs. the meds are leaving my body.. I know this smell more than anything. I am reaching out. told my sponsor yesterday I am coming back, told a few friends.

Did I tell you the IRS is auditing me as well? This makes life fun. They put a leavy on my checks until the money is paid that I owe them. THis is not the end of this. In my addiction I have ran and hid, done things I shouldn't have but not killed anyone etc just not filed correctly. I will pay the piper.

so. life is good right? nope. and I volunteered to be a judge at the spelling bee tonight. why in gods name did I do that. See, I am trying to just keep busy. My kid will be with her grandma so I figured why now..heard them asking around for ages... and I need to do better at work.

and you know how I will feel tomorrow if I fulfill all of my obligations today?

great.

love you all. here is to day 3, for the trillionith millionith time.

finaltime

hey sugarangel. when you described your story about last night, trudging through the dark, cold for a meeting I related to that so very well. I have been there. And in china. I was detoxing, back in feb 2009. my first super hard core detox. I mean shitting myself and puking at the same time. dark green gross stuff. and couldn't keep anything down. it was a solid week this time of truly being beaten, I mean beaten to the pulp. about the 4th night or so I looked up na online and reached out to the helpline. I had people calling me several times a day. This was huge. I would call my mom and cry daily, she felt so helpless.

I got in the taxi one night it was raining and cold and went to what I thought was an NA meeting. NOPE> I felt helpless. like I just wanted to give up... I would get that same feeling but way worse of extreme panic when I would be searching for pills and couldn't find or the pharmacy hadn't got my refill. you name it.

but today I am one step forward to not needing a pill. to get through my day...

stay strong.

sugarangel

Hey guys...
I'm still here. Slugging my way through the quicksand. Sinking is probably more like it. I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday, but there is something wrong with my internet. I came here a bunch of times and logged in, but then couldn't do anything. I couldn't post or send messages. I couldn't even do a thanks. Then I would get kicked off. So freakin' frustrating. Seems like it happens every time we have a storm here, and we've been having a lot of them lately. Jeez, it rained buckets yesterday, and now today it's calm as can be. We always say around here that if you don't like the weather, wait 5 minutes....I am probably going to have to have someone come out and take a look. See what's wrong....
Anyhoo....Nothing much going on here. Can't eat or sleep or think or function in any capacity yet like a relatively normal human being. Not that I was ever really normal, but you kno what I mean. This is just like the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I am burned out completely. I am even a little afraid to post cuz I'm just so not sure of myself. I am so damn confused all the time. Did my bills this morning and it took FOREVER. Kept forgetting what I was doing. Ugh!! It's like the worst brain freeze ever. I just feel super weird and sick. Mom came over today and brought me some more homemade chicken soup with lots of fresh veggies and herbs. My mom thinks chicken soup can cure whatever ails ya'. It was really, really sweet of her, and it's the first thing I've seen in days that looks even remotely tasty. So, I'm hoping I can eat today cuz I think it would probably help tremendously. How sad and pathetic that I have to plan my whole day around trying to eat a bowl of soup. But, I need to eat. Gotten so skinny I'm starting to scare myself. Don't even recognize myself in the mirror.
Thanks you guys for your posts. I say it all the time, but I really, honestly don't know where I'd be without all of you. It helps so much to 'talk' to others who get it.
I guess that's it for now.
Love you guys.

sugarangel

Hey Final. I just wanted to tell you how much I can relate to your post. Especially about crying every day to your mom and her feeling helpless. I do the same thing, and my mom just doesn't know how to help me, and she gets so upset. Man, it makes me feel so guilty. What if she has a heart attack or a stroke cuz I stressed her out so much. Oh, I couldn't bear that. But, I can't help myself cuz she's the only one in my f to f life who knows everything. Well, almost everything. There are some things that I would never tell anyone I've done while using. Ever. I keep telling her there's nothing she can do but just be here, but my mom is a proactive kind of person. She always wants to fix everything, make it okay. And I know she's really frustrated because she cant' fix this. No one can. Just lil old me, and I have no damn idea what I'm doing.
Thanks too, for sharing your story about that NA meeting. I so understand what you went through.
I hope things are a little bit better for you today, and I hope you got through the spelling bee okay. I always make promises to do stuff when I'm high, and I mean them, but then I run out of pills and get sick and can't leave the house and have to bail on whatever promise I made. Makes me feel so bad.
Oh, and I am so sorry about the IRS. That's rough. My finances are not great either, so I feel for you.
Let us know how you are doing, k??
And you stay strong, too. I'm here for you.

fairyeyes03

Sugar Angel it's so awesome to see your post I have been thinking so much about you wondering how you are doing. I even sent you a message lol! Is it getting any easier for you yet? It took me til day 8 to finally eat a few bites, but I can tell you after I did I felt better my muscles quit aching. I mean you gotta think about the lack of nutrients we have in our bodies from all the puking and diarrhea. It's day 12 for me today and it's the first time I feel "normal??" Wishing you nothing but the best. Keep your head up and stay strong.

sugarangel

Hey Fairyeyes....
Yes, I got your message and just sent you one. It was awesome to hear you are doing so well!!
I agree with you about the food. Totally. And btw, I didn't even think about how bad the wd's affect your body and needing nutrients. Thanks for putting things into a better light for me.
Also, your post gave me hope. I still feel so far from normal. Thanks for reminding me that it passes. I tend to get stuck in the trees and can't see the forest.
Stick with us. Keep going. The worst is almost over, but it sounds like you kinda are starting to see that. I can't wait to be where you are.
Stay strong. Don't let those evil cravings get you!! lol And keep posting. It helps.
I'm with you.

sugarangel

Hey peeps...
Just a quick update. Things are SO much better today!! Not 100, but I feel human again. Ate. Slept for 5 hrs. Thank God!!
Hope everyone is good.

1Dayatatyme

I have read through the posts on this thread and want to say how much I appreciate reading the documentation of those struggling
with opioid abuse/addiction.

I am not clean right now and frankly, am scared to try to go cold turkey again. But, I cannot taper off my pills, no matter how hard I try.
Although I am now retired, and probably could continue to get prescriptions for quite some time, as I only use drugs that are legally written to me, financially the cost of treatment is a burden. I no longer can get pain management care through my insurance, as my doctor has referred all his patients out to a provider who only accepts $$$.

If I am able to put together 24 hours clean and sober, I will post here.

Something has to give.

FT: Nice to "see" you again, and I pray you are successful in your recovery, "just for today".

Sugar Angel: Wow! You are certainly tenacious and brave! Respect.

finaltime

Well hello. Can't sleep due to the detox and I'm okay with that. Life has looked up this weekend huge. Went to church and a meeting yesterday, even shared!!! And called my sponsor twice. Wow hu!! It's amazing how things start to get better with time. Last week I was one foot in the grave.

Sugar so glad to hear you are better too!!!

One day, you are so not alone. I also was doing the pain management. Way too pricey!!!!

1Dayatatyme

Good morning, FT! Cool... a meeting and church....and.... phone calls..... HUGE!!
Last night I went to my first SMART in person meeting ever. After years of off and on attendance at 12 step meetings, I thought I would just check out something new.

It was quite different, IMO, more like an outpatient therapy group than a 12 step meeting. Educational, overall, not so much spiritual.

BY the way, kicking myself: last week, I had 7 days with a huge taper down to only 1 15mg pill. This weekend, back to my prescribed dose.

So, plan for today: 1/2 of prescribed dosage. A rapid taper.... anyway "just for today" I will have a goal to not exceed 1/2 my prescribed dosage and will keep my fingers crossed that the w/d is minimal or non-existent. I have a room full of half empty Christmas ornament/art objects boxes and would like to have some order by day's end. I do not like chaos.

Marcus

That is good to hear Sugar. This too shall pass. One of the wisest yet most annoying things anyone has ever said to me.

Keep it up!!!

Not trying to lecture you or discourage you, but for me in order to break the cycle that I was stuck in I had to truly change the way I dealt with things and my perception of things. They say an average person has 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts a day. That is a crazy number. If I find healthier ways of dealing with thoughts and emotions and letting things go I live a much happier and peaceful life. No we are not always going to be happy or peaceful, but we cause so much of our own suffering through bad habits or unhealthy ways of dealing with things. As I made changes and made a conscious effort to do things differently things started to click. I realized how beneficial the changes were to my overall peace of mind and happiness. My self worth and confidence increased and I wanted more of it.

Getting through detox is a huge step believe me. I did it dozens of times, but that is just scratching the surface. You don't have to struggle though life sober. If I didn't start really working on myself it was just a matter of time before I was back to using. There is no reason to struggle through life sober when there is so much more! Get to some meetings, do your outpatient, see a therapist, try meditation, read recovery related material, give yourself a break. Find your path. Take care.

finaltime

Hello all of you. How is everyones day going? Thanks for the kind words. I am making it, one moment sometimes at a time. I am a school teacher so not much down time or to feel sorry for myself. Really last Monday was my last day of using, so today is almost one full week. GOSH WHAT A DIFFERENCE> I haven't been able to write much lately, but checking in when I can.

Yes the weekend was HUGE. I would never had done those things last weekend..in fact last Monday I just waited around all day hurting.

I like how you went to a smart meeting. Whatever it takes. I like the NA and AA in my area. so many meetings all times of the day, and good people.

Had to run to the bathroom after teaching this last lesson..boy my guts are ROTTING. but better. ha

write more later.

teatreeoil007

Good going, Sugar! Sleep is huge. Eating sure helps, doesn't it? I watched a George Jones interview once and you know he was quite the notorious alcoholic; so bad that he often did not show up for booked concerts and he earned the nickname "No Show Jones".

Well, he did sober up finally and he said a big turning point for him was when he started to eat right. While he was still drinkin' he said he didn't take care of himself and didn't eat right.

A BIG part of recovery is self care. And that is harder to do than we may think at first because sometimes a person just doesn't feel up to some of the basic things, like eating. So, there is some will power involved there. If I make my mind about something though and get my mind "set", my chances of following through on something are much greater.

Having a daily plan is helpful, but for me that's not easy because I am an artist at heart and I like spontaneity. Anyways, I've needed to pick up some discipline in my life, even though I've always been fairly disciplined, well, like I tend to be a procrastinator and that is a bad habit of mine I'm trying to break. (Not saying that's one of your issues.)