Blogs


Notices

Currently reading RR.

Old 02-06-2013, 01:17 AM
  # 81 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Blog Entries: 1
Originally Posted by freshstart57 View Post
Well, there is a lot of discussion on this whole separation / nondual thing about AVRT. I agree that at first, I treated my AV like an ex GF who lied and cheated and made a fool of me, exactly as alcohol did. Total separation. Scorched earth. I don't see you, I don't hear you, I will never ever give you a glance or so much as the time of day again. You call me or try to contact me, I will just smile to myself and hang up.

I am coming to a more integrated holistic understanding now, that my AV is something I just accept now. I think I might have worded my post better, so let me try again.

To learn how to live without alcohol, we must learn to treat ourselves with kindness and care, and teach ourselves to do what is right for us, not what our AV demands.
Thank you, yes I understand more clearly now I've read both through a couple of times.

I'm starting to see more clearly how drinking is another form of self harm. Many years ago I did used to self harm very badly in the classic sense - cutting etc, I stopped that. Do you know what? Probably with something very similar to this, just deciding and choosing not to do it anymore. That probably reached a rock bottom of sorts, but there was a time where I had to consciously choose not to do it even though I wanted to. Now it doesn't cross my mind to do it, it's just something I don't do. BUT have carried on self harming in another form - drinking.

Hmmm. More thinking making me think lol
MyTimeNow is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to MyTimeNow For This Useful Post:
applecake (02-06-2013), Lenina (02-06-2013), mecanix (02-06-2013), Received (02-06-2013), RobbyRobot (02-06-2013), topspin (02-06-2013)
Old 02-06-2013, 01:25 AM
  # 82 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Blog Entries: 1
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot View Post
My AV is the voice of my Beast, and my Beast sure as hell ain't my inner child, lol. To each their own though.

I haven't ever humanised or given a personality to my Beast/AV. Slippery slope in getting cozy or otherwise feeling "satisfied" with my AV.

I'm indifferent, mentally and emotionally, to the nth degree with my AV. I use AVRT to recognise it, and then I forget about it, and get on with whatever.

AV is a perfectly normal part of my thinking of course, and I don't see any need to give it any recognition whatsoever except its the mouthpiece of my Beast.
Completely understand this. I don't think I will used my AV as an inner child as sorts but I will deal with it the same - i.e I've said no. No means no. I'm not changing my mind.

Originally Posted by bemyself View Post
yeh I agree with aspects of treating IT as (good old fashioned) 'baser desires' (God, I feel like someone outta the 19th century :-)).

And I agree with the stuff about learning to treat my adult self better - duh, at not far off 60!!

But, I also figure RobbyR's point about extending the metaphor of the inner child could get dangerous. Well, for me, it would.

Just keep up that exercise machine and the cups o tea MTN -AND keep on telling your littly 'no!' to her dear little tantrums. I had twins (now 33 y.o.) and I reckon I'm still slightly hearing impaired / brain damaged from not so much their toddler age tanties, but the ones they threw much later in their lives. LOL plus wry grin....
Still drinking tea lol I've managed to cut sugar out in the last 6 months which has been great as I'm sure I was up down all over the place with it.

Getting on the Cross trainer in a bit. Ohhhh I know being a parent never gets any easier, well I kind of hoped it would by say? 18/19?! Sons behaviour yesterday was so out of character, we'll get through it. It's a very difficult age. I have to step up my game for him more.

How are you getting on without the wine? Good I hope
MyTimeNow is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to MyTimeNow For This Useful Post:
mecanix (02-06-2013), Received (02-06-2013), RobbyRobot (02-06-2013)
Old 02-06-2013, 01:36 AM
  # 83 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Blog Entries: 1
Originally Posted by applecake View Post
What a fantastic thread! Thanks, MTN, for getting it started, and thanks to everyone who has contributed to the conversation. AVRT makes more sense to me every time I am able to read through conversations like this, and I really appreciate that everyone on this thread has been so respectful of one another and good about moving the conversation forward.

Regarding CBT and loving oneself, I've been working my way through a book I've found to be really helpful in addressing my years-long "need" to beat myself up--which led to drinking, which led to beating myself up more, which led to more drinking, and so on... It is David Burns' Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. It is astonishing to me how many of my thought-processes have been addressed in this book! And, as I said last night in chat, it wasn't until I learned to be kind to myself that I ever got any handle on sobriety.

I've also learned that I tend to do my best meditating while exercising. I feel the best release through meditation on the elliptical trainer, probably since I'm not having to worry about 1) tripping, 2) stepping in something nasty, or 3) getting mugged on pre-dawn walks or a) getting a charlie horse while engaging in the downward dog. In other words, it's a relatively safe place to let my mind do its thing. But the walks and yoga are good, too!
Thanks applecake I've just downloaded the book to read on my phone (broken kindle grrr!) Overloading myself with reading maybe, but plenty of evening time now so...

I have some headphones arriving today hopefully to use whilst on the cross trainer, it's a bit of a dinosaur and the constant squeak/thunk/squeak/thunk doesn't bode well for relaxation or thinking time! In fact it drives me a bit mental!

Right I better get on with my day and start with my phonecalls...
MyTimeNow is offline  
Old 02-06-2013, 04:06 AM
  # 84 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Blog Entries: 1
Just going to vent away at myself for a couple of minutes. Anxiety and Beast activity going through the roof. I'm shaking. I'm waiting on a phonecall back from the school which will be at lunchtime or before if the teacher doesn't have a class, so anytime now.

It's going to be upsetting bringing it all up. I hate waiting for things at the best of times.

My AV has suggested popping out to the shop - you have your mobile - that way you can have a glug of something to calm yourself down.

Yeah stupid idea, shut up!

I'm going to pace the room a la man outside labour ward. And breathe.
MyTimeNow is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to MyTimeNow For This Useful Post:
jkb (02-06-2013), mecanix (02-06-2013), RobbyRobot (02-06-2013)
Old 02-06-2013, 06:33 AM
  # 85 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Blog Entries: 1
So I've done it.

I've made my Big Plan. Out of the blue, just now.

Yes I had kind of done it before, but there was still the ambivalence, the - what's different this time? the self doubt.

2 weeks sober today (but who's counting ) lot's of positive things and help for my son on the horizon. I've picked up DD from nursery and just danced to MC Hammer with her with the biggest smile on my face.

I feel confident and positive. Best of all, I really don't feel that afraid any more.

Haha and in the time it took to write and re-read that, I've just gotten the first.. are you sure about this?

Yes.
MyTimeNow is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to MyTimeNow For This Useful Post:
applecake (02-06-2013), freshstart57 (02-06-2013), GerandTwine (02-06-2013), jazzfish (02-06-2013), jkb (02-06-2013), Lenina (02-06-2013), mecanix (02-06-2013), Received (02-06-2013), soberlicious (02-06-2013), topspin (02-06-2013)
Old 02-06-2013, 08:27 AM
  # 86 (permalink)  
Not The Way way, Just the way
 
GerandTwine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,414
Blog Entries: 13
Originally Posted by freshstart57 View Post
Well, there is a lot of discussion on this whole separation / nondual thing about AVRT. I agree that at first, I treated my AV like an ex GF who lied and cheated and made a fool of me, exactly as alcohol did. Total separation. Scorched earth. I don't see you, I don't hear you, I will never ever give you a glance or so much as the time of day again. You call me or try to contact me, I will just smile to myself and hang up.

I am coming to a more integrated holistic understanding now, that my AV is something I just accept now. I think I might have worded my post better, so let me try again.

To learn how to live without alcohol, we must learn to treat ourselves with kindness and care, and teach ourselves to do what is right for us, not what our AV demands.
For me, the only thing I had to learn to live without alcohol was - I have the capacity to make that once in a lifetime Big Plan and I'm going to do it. I will never drink again. There, I did it. The T of R'ing my AV makes it much less frustrating and time-consuming.

Do I treat myself with more kindness and care without ethanol flowing through my veins some of the time?

Well, when I used to drink, I tried very hard to take care of myself and put on a good face of health and cheer to others. I thought trying to figure out how to enjoy the deep pleasure of booze and not get in trouble WAS taking care and being as kind as possible to myself. YUK!! So, I see it as a loaded question my AV is dying for me to mull over.

Anything that suggests not drinking requires or even ought to imply any particular living condition is AV.
GerandTwine is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to GerandTwine For This Useful Post:
freshstart57 (02-06-2013), mecanix (02-06-2013), soberlicious (02-06-2013)
Old 02-06-2013, 09:44 AM
  # 87 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,272
Originally Posted by MyTimeNow
Haha and in the time it took to write and re-read that, I've just gotten the first.. are you sure about this?
The AV is predictable that's for sure
soberlicious is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to soberlicious For This Useful Post:
Lenina (02-06-2013), mecanix (02-06-2013), MyTimeNow (02-06-2013), Received (02-06-2013)
Old 02-06-2013, 10:10 AM
  # 88 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Blog Entries: 1
Originally Posted by soberlicious View Post
The AV is predictable that's for sure
It's sure out to take away any good things from me.

I've already had - but you made the decision after good news from DS school and dancing with DD - you weren't in your 'right' mind (happy), you can't make the decision on a one off.

Pffffft.

DS came home, we cooked and ate chicken fajitas together and had a good chat.

Maybe not happy but certainly more content. I'll settle for that.
MyTimeNow is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to MyTimeNow For This Useful Post:
jkb (02-06-2013), mecanix (02-06-2013), soberlicious (02-06-2013)
Old 02-06-2013, 12:26 PM
  # 89 (permalink)  
jkb
Member
 
jkb's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 822
Blog Entries: 70
Originally Posted by MyTimeNow View Post
So I've done it.

I've made my Big Plan. Out of the blue, just now.

Yes I had kind of done it before, but there was still the ambivalence, the - what's different this time? the self doubt.
2 weeks sober today (but who's counting ) lot's of positive things and help for my son on the horizon. I've picked up DD from nursery and just danced to MC Hammer with her with the biggest smile on my face.

I feel confident and positive. Best of all, I really don't feel that afraid any more.

Haha and in the time it took to write and re-read that, I've just gotten the first.. are you sure about this?

Yes.
So true... my AV is acting up right now. However, I am a bit more confident that I can deal with it and that makes a HUGE difference. It's saying..."silly big plan just make a new one later. Your not really ready. Blah, blah, blah." My response, "no". I am amazed it quieted down some. However, this is the start of my "weekend" so it is predictably starting in on me a few hours before I leave work.
jkb is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to jkb For This Useful Post:
mecanix (02-06-2013), MyTimeNow (02-06-2013), soberlicious (02-07-2013)
Old 02-08-2013, 01:02 PM
  # 90 (permalink)  
Member
 
bemyself's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
How are you going jkb??? It's early morning of Sat. 9th here in Aus, so I'm guessing your weekend (Friday?) is underway.

I'm cheering for you
bemyself is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to bemyself For This Useful Post:
jkb (02-09-2013), mecanix (02-08-2013), MyTimeNow (02-10-2013), soberlicious (02-09-2013)
Old 02-09-2013, 02:29 PM
  # 91 (permalink)  
jkb
Member
 
jkb's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 822
Blog Entries: 70
I made it... Thanks for thinking of me.
jkb is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to jkb For This Useful Post:
freshstart57 (02-09-2013), MyTimeNow (02-10-2013), Received (02-10-2013), soberlicious (02-09-2013)
Old 02-10-2013, 03:13 AM
  # 92 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Blog Entries: 1
Morning guys

I haven't been back to this thread much as well... I haven't read much more!

Feeling a bit worried as I feel like I am losing my mojo somewhat. I picked up the book last night and thought I fed up with thinking about not drinking all the time. Promptly put it down and picked up a crappy, predictable, no thought required murder mystery instead.

Maybe I'm over thinking it, maybe it's not alcohol related at all, maybe I'm just having a couple of bleh days. But that makes me think I should be on my guard more than ever.

Bleh and Meh. Maybe I should stop thinking completely and just get on with stuff.

Yes, doing my own head in again!
MyTimeNow is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to MyTimeNow For This Useful Post:
jkb (02-10-2013), mecanix (02-10-2013)
Old 02-10-2013, 03:53 AM
  # 93 (permalink)  
That bell or bike person
 
mecanix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Blog Entries: 12
Maybe I should stop thinking completely and just get on with stuff
doing stuff that takes me out of myself works for me

M
mecanix is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to mecanix For This Useful Post:
MyTimeNow (02-10-2013)
Old 02-10-2013, 05:47 AM
  # 94 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Blog Entries: 1
Originally Posted by mecanix View Post
doing stuff that takes me out of myself works for me

M
Thanks M

I might need to make myself a timetable if this carries on. Sounds a bit hardcore lol but once in Meh mode, I struggle to get up, out and actually start anything.

DS has just watched cartoons with DD so I could have a bath and just relax some. Seems to have worked.

Off out now, just spoken to my Mum and as we thought on the weekend thread... yup... she is suffering a bit right now. I've told her I'll clean the kitchen and she can watch a film with the kids. Peace for me and peace for her. It's a win win lol.

Later everybody
MyTimeNow is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to MyTimeNow For This Useful Post:
mecanix (02-10-2013)
Old 02-10-2013, 08:21 AM
  # 95 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Blog Entries: 1
I'm going to stop over analyzing every single feeling I have. Still at home with a very poorly household, chances are I'm just feeling a bit meh and bleh because I'm actually not feeling very well myself!

Durrrr!

Practically bathing in antibac handwash to keep strong and well for the both of them this evening.... I'm sure it won't make a difference now, but it could be worse, at least I'm not thinking about drinking it lol.
MyTimeNow is offline  
Old 02-10-2013, 08:44 AM
  # 96 (permalink)  
jkb
Member
 
jkb's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 822
Blog Entries: 70
Mtn-
Oh how you sound like me... lol. Last night was thinking that I am thinking too much. That made me think even more. Then I was thinking that not thinking about it I would probably be quick to drink...now that is all AV. I mean really? Why can't I just move forward and do stuff like you said. Oh well, we are sober... that's huge, jkb
jkb is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to jkb For This Useful Post:
MyTimeNow (02-10-2013)
Old 02-10-2013, 09:06 AM
  # 97 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Blog Entries: 1
Originally Posted by jkb View Post
Mtn-
Oh how you sound like me... lol. Last night was thinking that I am thinking too much. That made me think even more. Then I was thinking that not thinking about it I would probably be quick to drink...now that is all AV. I mean really? Why can't I just move forward and do stuff like you said. Oh well, we are sober... that's huge, jkb
Exactly. My AV was telling me I'm now into my serious danger territory, this is where you always give up, if you're not thinking then you're not trying, you're 'bored' that's why you feel so blase about it all... blah blah... the list goes on...

I'm feeling quite rubbish at the moment and I know whatever the kids have is going to hit me later. That has stopped the AV dead in it's tracks at least. Every cloud!

Both kids are asleep here now (almost 5pm) so I'm going to take the time to listen to freshstart's mindfulness meditation link whilst I have the chance. I've decided to listen every morning on my phone before I get out of bed. It's such a revelation to me that I can concentrate on something other than the whirlwind that is my mind!
MyTimeNow is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to MyTimeNow For This Useful Post:
freshstart57 (02-10-2013), jkb (02-10-2013)
Old 02-10-2013, 09:19 AM
  # 98 (permalink)  
That bell or bike person
 
mecanix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Blog Entries: 12
Originally Posted by MyTimeNow View Post
It's such a revelation to me that I can concentrate on something other than the whirlwind that is my mind!
If you keep on and learn and practaice you can do it any time you like
It's great , M
mecanix is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to mecanix For This Useful Post:
MyTimeNow (02-10-2013)
Old 02-10-2013, 09:42 AM
  # 99 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Blog Entries: 1
Originally Posted by mecanix View Post
If you keep on and learn and practaice you can do it any time you like
It's great , M
That's what I'm aiming for as I know, like a power nap works wonders but not always possible, that I'm not always going to be able to whip out my phone and watch a youtube video when the need arises.

I just tried again, but I'm feeling so sick at the moment it made me feel dizzy

I think I'll just go for a lie down instead whilst everybody else is sleeping.
MyTimeNow is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to MyTimeNow For This Useful Post:
mecanix (02-10-2013)
Old 02-10-2013, 10:05 AM
  # 100 (permalink)  
Better when never is never
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
After reading so many books on alcoholism, I am constantly worried that I am over thinking things; that I am simply procrastinating; and that I am creating a bigger problem for myself.
jazzfish is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to jazzfish For This Useful Post:
mecanix (02-10-2013), MyTimeNow (02-10-2013)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:32 PM.