BeckoningCat

I am at the end of my rope with my roommates. One in particular I can't stand because she decided she wanted to control the house and the roommate situation (people are moving out, so other people have to replace them). She's making it as difficult as she possibly can by being really picky about who the new roommates are. This is frankly ridiculous since you know COVID-19 and the freaking pandemic.



Last night I was crying, just really sobbing, I'm afraid, I'm overwhelmed, and my new controlling roommate (who has only lived here for six weeks by the way, which makes it even more nauseating) just kind of coolly appraises me, says she doesn't like me, it was just a horrible scene. She's horrible, she's manipulative, I think she might be a narcissist or something like that, because she has a good fake act and knows how to use words against people to gaslight them. Like when I said she barged into my room (she did, more than once) she said oh I'm sorry I knocked on your door. Or she sent me a text today saying "I'm sorry you feel...." which isn't "I am sorry I did something that hurt you" ...even as we speak my youngest roommate is upstairs laughing with her. She's completely blind to what the other woman is doing. I don't even care anymore.
I have to move. This is all really stressful. I hate everyone here at the moment.




But the point of this post is that I drank last night to deal with it, and I drank a lot. I even threw up a little bit and said completely crazy things in emails. I broke my wine glass, and have anxiety so bad today that I am sipping a beer now just to maintain something vaguely resembling an equilibrium.


I already told my therapist, and I feel like this was a particularly terrible binge, just really self-destructive. Off the charts for me. A personal low. It also doesn't fix my problems. Duh.


So I am admitting it here. Because it was bad, and I feel bad about it, and obviously am still experiencing consequences if I'm sipping a beer to deal with the anxiety from my wine binge last night.
I wish someone would help me, could help me, just find a place to live. I want to leave now. Well not this exact moment. But after a good night's sleep, yes.

Dee74

I'm sorry to heat all of that BC.
Is there anything keeping you in he living situation your in - are you on the lease? will it cost money to find a new place, are you reluctant to because of covid 19?
sounds like if there's a way to do it then you need to leave that situation, or your roomie does?
D

BeckoningCat

Yes I need to leave. I was trying to hold on to the house because I really love it, trying to bargain and compromise, but it's not going to work. I even emailed one of my ex-roommates while I was drunk and she told me that getting away and living alone or with one other person would be the best thing for me. She is the person who I got the house with originally, she's a very trustworthy and responsible person, and we had our differences to be sure, but it was nice to hear from her.


It's a great house, great location. But all of this is making me realize just how disrespected I feel and how hard it has been to live here for the past six months or so. I have had three different roommates come and go out of the same bedroom in that time, and no matter how responsible I am or what I do, it seems like people don't acknowledge that I am doing as much as I am and are just behaving like brats. I have literally one roommate who I think is responsible and has a lot of integrity (who I thankfully share a bathroom with), and he doesn't even have my back with this new woman. He doesn't want to be bothered. He wants to stay out of it. He's very passive, a loner really, he stayed in his room all the time even before the pandemic, I can't fully even call him a friend.
It's time to go. But it's hard. It's hard to have to move. To leave a place I've lived for two years. On the other hand, now it's hard to stay here. The stress I felt last night was so terrible and I used it as an excuse to drink.


Next time I need to use that feeling to make a necessary change. It's the only way. Those bad feelings are there for a reason, not to be ignored or drank away for a few hours.

Dee74

I've had to leave two places I loved and sometimes I still miss them
- but I moved on to other places I came to love in time, and to other areas I love.

I was just thinking today where else could I buy a crowbar and a spanner in the middle of a pandemic and be home again in 20 min


It's not the beach, but it's got its uses
D

Wastinglife

I had a bad binge recently as well. Got really drunk and kicked my neighbor's door. This pandemic is causing stress for everyone it seems. I use alcohol too often as a coping mechanism.
I have been in your situation before as far as incompatible roommates. When I was a student, I lived with 5 other guy. One of them had lived there before I moved in and was responsible for paying the phone bill. He pocketed all the money we gave him and never paid the bill. Phone was disconnected and he just lied about it all. He eventually left.
It sounds like maybe you should leave your toxic environment. I drink because of anxiety too. So no judgement here. Keep us posted on the situation!

BeckoningCat

That sucks that guy pocketed your phone bill money. In my situation most of the bills are in my name. They weren't for the first year, and funnily enough, the roommates were also easier to get along with. I don't think the two things are completely related, but it honestly doesn't help when your roommates view you as the great bill collector who also reminds you to clean up after yourself in the kitchen. Plus there's just been an absolute string of obnoxious people living in one particular bedroom. Three people in six months. None of them particularly likable after the first few weeks, when the fake wore off.

I've probably made things worse because they demanded yet another house meeting tonight and I refused to go. I just can't deal with them. I wouldn't have wanted to even 100% sober. But with things as they are, I definitely knew it would probably only make things worse for myself and probably also for them.
I just love living in this beautiful house where I don't feel entirely safe and none of my roommates have my back. You know, I have to keep telling myself that. The beautiful house, the lovely location, but the people inside....

BeckoningCat

When I woke up this morning I called my landlord, raging about the roommate situation, because I had told him just yesterday I wanted to stay long-term and would try to make it work.
I also felt completely dizzy, out-of-it, and had weird intrusive thoughts, anxiety and heart palpitations.
Thus the beer, so I would at least not be having a full blown panic attack all day long. At one point I was actually worried about my physical health. I'm not sure when the last time was that I actually drank that much, it was even more than my usual wine binge. For a horrific moment I wondered if I had swallowed a piece of my broken wine glass, before I realized there would probably be evidence of that after being passed out for a few hours, like blood or pain or having to go to the ER.
I threw up wine in an empty bowl. That's why I say "a little" because normally if I get sick from alcohol I would really vomit, not spit-up a bowl full of half-digested wine.
I had to delete ridiculous posts I made on Twitter, which may have actually given out dangerous identifying information of myself. Half of it didn't even make sense.
My emails to my therapist and ex-roommate were surprisingly coherent, but obviously drunk writing. I also asked my other two roommates to give me support or help me in some way in the situation with the other roommate, which embarrasses me, because they did not give me that help or support. That's another reason I refused to go to their stupid little meeting tonight. Did anyone ask if I was okay? No.
I'm writing down all of these details so that I have a record of how dangerous, disgusting and unhelpful it was for me to choose to drink. It didn't change anything for the better.

Wastinglife

The anxiety, intrusive thoughts, heart palpitations, yep, been there. That's why it's so difficult to stop drinking because it's pure torture that lasts for 48 hours in my case usually.

kenton

I'm sorry for everything you're going through. I've had to live with narcissists before and my advice would be.... Move out.... As soon as you can. Once you see someone as being narcissistic and once they see that you see them,.... Well, in my experience, the gas lighting, manipulation, lying and toxic behaviour just intensifies from that point. Narcissists don't change, they never change and they can be clever at hiding who they are. But once you see it, you can't unsee it and for your own peace of mind, you need to get away. My worst periods of drinking occurred when I lived with narcissists and I'm not blaming them for that.... They didn't put the bottle in my hand, that was all me...... But recovery involves developing self awareness. I know enough about myself now to know I can't handle day to day living with a narcissist. Some people can, I can't. I couldn't handle living with your controlling flat mate and it sounds like neither can you. Increase the value you place on yourself, put yourself first and start making a plan to move out. It may not be easy .... But living there isn't easy. I really feel for you because I've been there and understand the hurt, confusion and pain but you are strong enough to get out of there and put all this behind you. And you already know this, but drinking makes everything worse. Come here for support when you want to drink. You owe it to yourself to stay sober .... Give yourself the best possible chance of using this difficult time to start a brand new chapter. Good luck xx

BeckoningCat

Thank you very much kenton! I really appreciate you sharing this with me, I've actually questioned myself like oh it would be easier to just get along what have I done, but no those angry feelings, sad feelings, whatever need to push me to act and to move instead of to drink. The only way I can do that is to be sober. I went to an on-line meeting tonight and it was actually really great, and I am going to make sure that I come here and be totally honest if I'm thinking about drinking BEFORE it happens.

BeckoningCat

Okay coming out on Day 1 after about 24 hours of sobriety I am realizing not only was it a mistake to drink for the obvious reasons that I was aware of yesterday (the anxiety, the self-loathing, the disgust, the pain of a hangover, that it clearly didn't solve my real-world problems magically) but one very critical point came to light.

Because I was upset when I drank it just compounded my confusion, so I behaved in an emotional, erratic matter which is why I didn't receive support from my other roommates. Sitting here today after sleeping and not consuming any alcohol, I still don't feel 100% wonderful, but my mind was able to articulate clear and rational reasons for my feelings, and I was able to express it better, and take responsibility for acting out by drinking instead of sitting with my problems until I was calm enough to think things through rationally.

Maybe the silver lining here is that this is my last binge ever. It has never been so painfully clear to me that not only did alcohol not make things better, it actually robbed me of my ability to take care of myself and seek support from others when I was upset. It was really, really a hugely bad move.


I can forgive myself for relying on old habits or poor coping mechanisms, but still see just what a mistake it was to drink. Not just for the usual blah, blah, blah reasons, but for its tangible interference in my ability to solve my problems in the real world.


Most of you are probably like "yeah well duh!!" ...but I guess I really had to see it for myself, up close, in my face. Maybe I had to be facing real tangible problems in real life to see how much alcohol is not only a help or a crutch, but a destructive distraction from what I can be doing to help myself.


I went to a couple of on-line AA meetings yesterday and talked to my therapist for 20-30 minutes on the phone today. I also reached out to friends long distance, even if they've moved away from the area to stay with family during the pandemic.


Alcohol is not my friend. If I need to reach for support or a friend, I need to reach for support or a friend, not a bottle of wine.

Anna

BC, I'm really sorry about the problems you're having with your living situation. I'm glad you're feeling better today and that you have some perspective on what happened. Talking to your therapist and to your friends was a good plan.

I'm not sure if you've decided to stay or leave at this point, but I know it will be a hard decision. Try to be still with yourself and have faith that you will make the right choice.

Wastinglife

Has your city been put on 'lockdown'?

BeckoningCat

Anna - thank you for your support. My therapist said I need to practice self-compassion, which is not the same as self-pity. She said self-pity is like putting yourself down, but self-compassion is like being patient with yourself and acknowledging the situation you're in might actually be really hard, that you're afraid, and that sometimes we make mistakes when we are used to coping in a certain way. Thank you for adding to that advice she gave, by suggesting I be still with myself and trust myself to make the right decision. It might take a few days.

Wastinglife - yes, I live in California. Many students have left my college town, the roommate pool is smaller, and no one wants anyone from out of town who might be carrying the plague into our relatively safe rural area where we only had about 55 cases, most of which have already recovered. The challenge here is finding suitable replacements, because my landlord is being a hard ass about us breaking the lease. It actually offended me that he's being such a shark when our pool of roommates is clearly smaller, or more dangerous to pick from if the person is coming from LA or the Bay Area or out of state. I am offended on many levels - my landlord being such a stickler, my annoying roommate who is trying to control the entire situation to her own benefit when she just barely moved in herself, and the pain of having to leave a place where I was comfortable for nearly two years when I already feel insecure because of the pandemic and leaving grad school and where will I work....it's just...too much.

D122y

Booze worked miracles for me, except for the few times I got in trouble. I got lucky so many times doing stupid idiotic things. I should be dead or in jail.

Then it got very bad physically and mentally. It was an exponential progression towards the end...or was it? I don't really know, but what I do know is that if I relapse I will probably die or go insane.

Sounds like you have a huge mess on your hands and I can only offer how I might handle it. This is similar to what I told my sister who is going through a divorce. I am pretty sure she is addicted to booze and rx meds.

I would stop living above my means. If I need multiple roommates to make it, that is above my means.

I would move into the least expensive situation I could find. e.g. studio, trailer, parents. I would begin saving my money and investing a bit every pay check. Now is a great time to dollar cost averaging.

I would pay off all of my bills and work to life debt free. id do this before investing.

It might take 5 years of this before I generated enough cash to buy a starter home. That home might end up my forever home, who knows, but it would be mine. I would pay it off.

It goes without saying that the boozing needs to stop. Sounds like you are in a deep addicted hole and you will suffer like hell to get out. If you are seeing a therapist I might assume you are mixing booze and meds?

That is another level of hell I have not experienced.

What I will close with is that if this continues I don't think the ending is going to be happy. It will be very very very sad.

Thanks.

D122y

sorry bout the typos....patience.

D122y

i doubt you landlord can evict you right anyway. this covid killer is a major culprit.

I would stop paying rent immediately and let him try to evict you.

Thanks.

BeckoningCat

I thought about that. I thought about doing the ugliest thing imaginable, turning the utilities off that are in my name, taking my money, and running.


I want to be honest and good. I don't want more trouble.


See, the reason why I live here is because I was a college student. It's pretty normal for college students to live together so they can have a safer place to live that's close to the university, no matter their age. I know a woman in her 60s who rented a room from someone so she could finish her degree.



My first batch of roommates wasn't so bad. It's this second year that has gotten weird, and it's especially ugly due to the pandemic.



As someone just leaving grad school and an internship, my ability to even find a job right now is limited. As good as your intentions may be to tell me to save money from every paycheck, I don't know even where I'll work if the economy doesn't open up. Maybe I'll get lucky.


Parents is only mother, and she lives hundreds of miles away, and is probably not the best person for me to live with.


I would love to just live in a cheaper place alone and work and save money.


I also agree that if I continued to drink it would only be sad and could be tragic. Thank you for your input.

Wastinglife

These are unprecedented and strange times BC. I can't drink responsibly anymore so to be drunk during a pandemic is just ridiculous. Things are going to get worse before they get better. I think everyone is feeling a lot of uncertainty and stress can affect people in different ways.
What area of study are you in?

BeckoningCat

Yes I agree Wastinglife. I can't drink responsibly and I've made that perfectly evident, and it would be the definition of insanity for me to continue to drink during the pandemic, too.
I have a Bachelor's of Science in Environmental Science and Management, but for grad school I went into a related program that was more sociological in nature, like a community minded approach to environmental solutions. My thinking was that I could apply my science background in a helpful social context.

However, it turned out to not be right for me at all. So this semester I applied into an Anthrozoology Masters program. It's the study of human-animal relationships, and has a broader context where science still fits. It was a mistake for me to go too far away from science. However, I can't start the Anthrozoology program until Fall 2021. They don't have a Winter/Spring start date, and I won't start this fall because of the pandemic.

So I normally would probably be okay looking for a job since I do have a Bachelor's. Worst case scenario I could do substitute teaching because of my experience in writing curriculum in environmental education for my internship. BUT NOW WHAT?

I did apply at a grocery store. The natural history museum where I do my internship could be hiring, but will they even need someone during the pandemic shutdown? An employee serves a different role than an intern. I don't know that they would hire me now.

I also don't want to travel back to the city or anywhere out of town to take jobs related to my field because of the pandemic.