Ugly Binge
I am at the end of my rope with my roommates. One in particular I can't stand because she decided she wanted to control the house and the roommate situation (people are moving out, so other people have to replace them). She's making it as difficult as she possibly can by being really picky about who the new roommates are. This is frankly ridiculous since you know COVID-19 and the freaking pandemic.
Last night I was crying, just really sobbing, I'm afraid, I'm overwhelmed, and my new controlling roommate (who has only lived here for six weeks by the way, which makes it even more nauseating) just kind of coolly appraises me, says she doesn't like me, it was just a horrible scene. She's horrible, she's manipulative, I think she might be a narcissist or something like that, because she has a good fake act and knows how to use words against people to gaslight them. Like when I said she barged into my room (she did, more than once) she said oh I'm sorry I knocked on your door. Or she sent me a text today saying "I'm sorry you feel...." which isn't "I am sorry I did something that hurt you" ...even as we speak my youngest roommate is upstairs laughing with her. She's completely blind to what the other woman is doing. I don't even care anymore.
I have to move. This is all really stressful. I hate everyone here at the moment.
But the point of this post is that I drank last night to deal with it, and I drank a lot. I even threw up a little bit and said completely crazy things in emails. I broke my wine glass, and have anxiety so bad today that I am sipping a beer now just to maintain something vaguely resembling an equilibrium.
I already told my therapist, and I feel like this was a particularly terrible binge, just really self-destructive. Off the charts for me. A personal low. It also doesn't fix my problems. Duh.
So I am admitting it here. Because it was bad, and I feel bad about it, and obviously am still experiencing consequences if I'm sipping a beer to deal with the anxiety from my wine binge last night.
I wish someone would help me, could help me, just find a place to live. I want to leave now. Well not this exact moment. But after a good night's sleep, yes.