Here again...hubby won't even look at me
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Newme2018 
But I know im asking for too much....what's wrong with me?!?!? Ugh
but as an opinion- selfish self centeredness. probably some fear and insecurities,too.
as stated,though, nothing the dteps of AA cant help ya with.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Newme2018
Ok so I am or want to do something about it!!!! I'm sick and tired of this life myself! So what do I do....go to an AA meeting for now? What else?
its the steps we take,not the meetings we make, that does that.
it would be wise to get a copy of the big book at your next meeting. until then, you can read the big book online with a search of,"big book online."
the first 164 pages describe quite a bit of what we are like, ,why we have to change it,how to change it and the results.
theres a lot of promises that the program has- promises that material as a result of working the steps.
it works if ya work it so work it youre worth it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He's my husband...I confide in him...I look to him for comfort. Just a hug maybe and a "its going to be ok" "we will figure this out together"....or maybe just a "do what you gotta do to get better" "don't worry about the kids, go to an AA meeting"
he's also see you get totally wasted and seen the wreckage in the aftermath. he HAS been there......for years. your drinking is certainly a problem for him, but your sobriety is something YOU have to do.
he could be worried that even with the best of intentions, you head out the door for a "meeting" and come home hammered. he could be worried that you really just don't CARE enough about any of them to do whatever it takes to get well. he could be worried about the safety of his children in your care. now you want hugs and hand pats.....might be a bit more than he has to give right now.
we addicts are takers. gobblers of good and kind. we'll devour ever inch given, every chance. now is your chance to bring it all to a halt. make the commitment to not drink again under any circumstances, ever, period. EV.ER. and then get busy figuring out what keeps driving you to seek oblivion.
he's also see you get totally wasted and seen the wreckage in the aftermath. he HAS been there......for years. your drinking is certainly a problem for him, but your sobriety is something YOU have to do.
he could be worried that even with the best of intentions, you head out the door for a "meeting" and come home hammered. he could be worried that you really just don't CARE enough about any of them to do whatever it takes to get well. he could be worried about the safety of his children in your care. now you want hugs and hand pats.....might be a bit more than he has to give right now.
we addicts are takers. gobblers of good and kind. we'll devour ever inch given, every chance. now is your chance to bring it all to a halt. make the commitment to not drink again under any circumstances, ever, period. EV.ER. and then get busy figuring out what keeps driving you to seek oblivion.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
We’re spending too much time talking about your husband. It’s distracting you from talking about yourself. I’m not sure hubby is going to leave you, he might just be sick and tired. But the only way to have a chance to get your life back together is to get sober. I’m sure you’ve said a million things to hubby before about not drinking. He’s not going to believe anything until you...actually stop drinking.
This isn’t the time to be demanding his support. But maybe you can earn it by taking the appropriate steps to get sober. If you actually start making moves, he might just join in. This is a problem that you created, you’ve hurt him, and now it’s your job to fix it.
You can’t realy blame him for being angry can you? But he might get over it if you start taking real responsibility. That means taking care of yourself independently. Because by blaming him for not being supportive, you’re making your alcoholism his fault.
My two cents. And my hubs didn’t leave me, thank goodness. This can pass, but you have to own it.
This isn’t the time to be demanding his support. But maybe you can earn it by taking the appropriate steps to get sober. If you actually start making moves, he might just join in. This is a problem that you created, you’ve hurt him, and now it’s your job to fix it.
You can’t realy blame him for being angry can you? But he might get over it if you start taking real responsibility. That means taking care of yourself independently. Because by blaming him for not being supportive, you’re making your alcoholism his fault.
My two cents. And my hubs didn’t leave me, thank goodness. This can pass, but you have to own it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,469
I have been in your shoes, over and over and over again.
He wanted me to get sober, the hangover day I wanted to get sober.
I was tired of disappointing him
I was tired of being rude to him
I was embarrassed what I put him through
I didn't want him to leave me
I wanted his support
I didn't want him to drink around me
That was my thinking when I first went to AA back in 2011.
The difference from then to now?
I was to be sober
I want to be proud of who I am
I want to respect myself
I want to be happy
I deserve a good life
I deserve a life in which I choose how I want to be.
I got sober for him, or at least I tried.
It wasn't until I got sober for me that the real change happened.
Best of luck
He wanted me to get sober, the hangover day I wanted to get sober.
I was tired of disappointing him
I was tired of being rude to him
I was embarrassed what I put him through
I didn't want him to leave me
I wanted his support
I didn't want him to drink around me
That was my thinking when I first went to AA back in 2011.
The difference from then to now?
I was to be sober
I want to be proud of who I am
I want to respect myself
I want to be happy
I deserve a good life
I deserve a life in which I choose how I want to be.
I got sober for him, or at least I tried.
It wasn't until I got sober for me that the real change happened.
Best of luck
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
You said, "I don't know I guess I'm asking for too much?"
The man has no more to give. You're still demanding that he make the first move by reaching out to you?
You said, "He's my husband...I confide in him...I look to him for comfort. Just a hug maybe and a "its going to be ok" "we will figure this out together"....or maybe just a "do what you gotta do to get better" "don't worry about the kids, go to an AA meeting"
Where were you when he needed to confide in you, when he needed you to comfort him, when he needed you to hug him, when he needed you by his side to care for those children?
And then the last one -
You said: "But I know im asking for too much....what's wrong with me?!?!? Ugh"
Do you not really know what's wrong with you?
The man has no more to give. You're still demanding that he make the first move by reaching out to you?
You said, "He's my husband...I confide in him...I look to him for comfort. Just a hug maybe and a "its going to be ok" "we will figure this out together"....or maybe just a "do what you gotta do to get better" "don't worry about the kids, go to an AA meeting"
Where were you when he needed to confide in you, when he needed you to comfort him, when he needed you to hug him, when he needed you by his side to care for those children?
And then the last one -
You said: "But I know im asking for too much....what's wrong with me?!?!? Ugh"
Do you not really know what's wrong with you?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 70
Coming to terms with the drinking, acknowledging booze is the root cause of your issues, and choosing to say no to picking up the bottle is just a small price to pay as opposed to them walking out on you.
Believe me, you wouldn't want to be forced to stumble through the agony of feeling loss and loneliness tossing and turning for weeks asking yourself...why????? Each relationship I'd lost due to my boozing, the emotions got harder and harder to cope with and I wouldn't wish that darkness on anyone.
This saying rings very true: The answers to my problems were not found at the bottom of the bottle.
Best wishes.
Believe me, you wouldn't want to be forced to stumble through the agony of feeling loss and loneliness tossing and turning for weeks asking yourself...why????? Each relationship I'd lost due to my boozing, the emotions got harder and harder to cope with and I wouldn't wish that darkness on anyone.
This saying rings very true: The answers to my problems were not found at the bottom of the bottle.
Best wishes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by trachemys
I think the meaning of the word "husband" has been forgotten. A real Husband will be there to help you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by tomsteve
depends on the sickness/illness.
i was diagnosed with cancer less than a year into recovery. cancer didnt wreak the havoc alcoholism did.
not only that, but there can be a preconceived perception of how a spouse is supposed to be supportive.
'after the havoc i wreaked on my family i had no reason to think they should be supportive. in fact, i didnt blame them one bit when i let them know i was getting help and they just rolled their eye- it wasnt the first time they heard that.
it was the change in me over time that had them convinced i was getting help and was serious about recovery.
i was diagnosed with cancer less than a year into recovery. cancer didnt wreak the havoc alcoholism did.
not only that, but there can be a preconceived perception of how a spouse is supposed to be supportive.
'after the havoc i wreaked on my family i had no reason to think they should be supportive. in fact, i didnt blame them one bit when i let them know i was getting help and they just rolled their eye- it wasnt the first time they heard that.
it was the change in me over time that had them convinced i was getting help and was serious about recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by tomsteve
nothing the steps of AA cant help ya with.
but as an opinion- selfish self centeredness. probably some fear and insecurities,too.
as stated,though, nothing the dteps of AA cant help ya with.
but as an opinion- selfish self centeredness. probably some fear and insecurities,too.
as stated,though, nothing the dteps of AA cant help ya with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by tomsteve
meetings are great, but going to meetings and not drinking dont treat alcoholism.
its the steps we take,not the meetings we make, that does that.
it would be wise to get a copy of the big book at your next meeting. until then, you can read the big book online with a search of,"big book online."
the first 164 pages describe quite a bit of what we are like, ,why we have to change it,how to change it and the results.
theres a lot of promises that the program has- promises that material as a result of working the steps.
it works if ya work it so work it youre worth it.
its the steps we take,not the meetings we make, that does that.
it would be wise to get a copy of the big book at your next meeting. until then, you can read the big book online with a search of,"big book online."
the first 164 pages describe quite a bit of what we are like, ,why we have to change it,how to change it and the results.
theres a lot of promises that the program has- promises that material as a result of working the steps.
it works if ya work it so work it youre worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
He's my husband...I confide in him...I look to him for comfort. Just a hug maybe and a "its going to be ok" "we will figure this out together"....or maybe just a "do what you gotta do to get better" "don't worry about the kids, go to an AA meeting"
he's also see you get totally wasted and seen the wreckage in the aftermath. he HAS been there......for years. your drinking is certainly a problem for him, but your sobriety is something YOU have to do.
he could be worried that even with the best of intentions, you head out the door for a "meeting" and come home hammered. he could be worried that you really just don't CARE enough about any of them to do whatever it takes to get well. he could be worried about the safety of his children in your care. now you want hugs and hand pats.....might be a bit more than he has to give right now.
we addicts are takers. gobblers of good and kind. we'll devour ever inch given, every chance. now is your chance to bring it all to a halt. make the commitment to not drink again under any circumstances, ever, period. EV.ER. and then get busy figuring out what keeps driving you to seek oblivion.
he's also see you get totally wasted and seen the wreckage in the aftermath. he HAS been there......for years. your drinking is certainly a problem for him, but your sobriety is something YOU have to do.
he could be worried that even with the best of intentions, you head out the door for a "meeting" and come home hammered. he could be worried that you really just don't CARE enough about any of them to do whatever it takes to get well. he could be worried about the safety of his children in your care. now you want hugs and hand pats.....might be a bit more than he has to give right now.
we addicts are takers. gobblers of good and kind. we'll devour ever inch given, every chance. now is your chance to bring it all to a halt. make the commitment to not drink again under any circumstances, ever, period. EV.ER. and then get busy figuring out what keeps driving you to seek oblivion.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
It's easy to get resentful against those who love us because we feel they should understand, or help or support us. Trouble is, our expectations are all skewed. There is no reason on earth that they would be equipped for this task. And those resentments, caused by our own faulty expectations, give us something new to drink over if we're not careful. We cannot afford to let this kind of resentments form. They just kept us howling for the moon and distract us from the job of developing and following a plan for sobriety and recovery.
Acceptance is our friend. As are our fellow travellers on the road of recovery who can help us figure out the difference between what we want and what we need, and the difference between what we cannot change, and what we can, or at least encourage us to do it ourselves. And they can do that because they understand and see through all those rationalisations and the laa-laa-laaing that we do when asked to own our own crap because we're scared and confused.
Xx
Acceptance is our friend. As are our fellow travellers on the road of recovery who can help us figure out the difference between what we want and what we need, and the difference between what we cannot change, and what we can, or at least encourage us to do it ourselves. And they can do that because they understand and see through all those rationalisations and the laa-laa-laaing that we do when asked to own our own crap because we're scared and confused.
Xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by eyes99
We’re spending too much time talking about your husband. It’s distracting you from talking about yourself. I’m not sure hubby is going to leave you, he might just be sick and tired. But the only way to have a chance to get your life back together is to get sober. I’m sure you’ve said a million things to hubby before about not drinking. He’s not going to believe anything until you...actually stop drinking.
This isn’t the time to be demanding his support. But maybe you can earn it by taking the appropriate steps to get sober. If you actually start making moves, he might just join in. This is a problem that you created, you’ve hurt him, and now it’s your job to fix it.
You can’t realy blame him for being angry can you? But he might get over it if you start taking real responsibility. That means taking care of yourself independently. Because by blaming him for not being supportive, you’re making your alcoholism his fault.
My two cents. And my hubs didn’t leave me, thank goodness. This can pass, but you have to own it.
This isn’t the time to be demanding his support. But maybe you can earn it by taking the appropriate steps to get sober. If you actually start making moves, he might just join in. This is a problem that you created, you’ve hurt him, and now it’s your job to fix it.
You can’t realy blame him for being angry can you? But he might get over it if you start taking real responsibility. That means taking care of yourself independently. Because by blaming him for not being supportive, you’re making your alcoholism his fault.
My two cents. And my hubs didn’t leave me, thank goodness. This can pass, but you have to own it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: NY
Posts: 327
Newme,
Words don’t matter anymore actions do. Keep drinking then all will be gone , then u could drink all you want. That won’t end well.
I be been there, went to Aa first for my wife and kids. After my third meeting realized I WAS an alcoholic and bought into the program.
Wife and kids did not trust me, they heard it before. Little by slowly things got better. It’s a a lot of work but it pays off.
I could live myself into better thinking but I can’t think myself into better living.
Words don’t matter anymore actions do. Keep drinking then all will be gone , then u could drink all you want. That won’t end well.
I be been there, went to Aa first for my wife and kids. After my third meeting realized I WAS an alcoholic and bought into the program.
Wife and kids did not trust me, they heard it before. Little by slowly things got better. It’s a a lot of work but it pays off.
I could live myself into better thinking but I can’t think myself into better living.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17
I have been in your shoes, over and over and over again.
He wanted me to get sober, the hangover day I wanted to get sober.
I was tired of disappointing him
I was tired of being rude to him
I was embarrassed what I put him through
I didn't want him to leave me
I wanted his support
I didn't want him to drink around me
That was my thinking when I first went to AA back in 2011.
The difference from then to now?
I was to be sober
I want to be proud of who I am
I want to respect myself
I want to be happy
I deserve a good life
I deserve a life in which I choose how I want to be.
I got sober for him, or at least I tried.
It wasn't until I got sober for me that the real change happened.
Best of luck
He wanted me to get sober, the hangover day I wanted to get sober.
I was tired of disappointing him
I was tired of being rude to him
I was embarrassed what I put him through
I didn't want him to leave me
I wanted his support
I didn't want him to drink around me
That was my thinking when I first went to AA back in 2011.
The difference from then to now?
I was to be sober
I want to be proud of who I am
I want to respect myself
I want to be happy
I deserve a good life
I deserve a life in which I choose how I want to be.
I got sober for him, or at least I tried.
It wasn't until I got sober for me that the real change happened.
Best of luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by rich27
Coming to terms with the drinking, acknowledging booze is the root cause of your issues, and choosing to say no to picking up the bottle is just a small price to pay as opposed to them walking out on you.
Believe me, you wouldn't want to be forced to stumble through the agony of feeling loss and loneliness tossing and turning for weeks asking yourself...why????? Each relationship I'd lost due to my boozing, the emotions got harder and harder to cope with and I wouldn't wish that darkness on anyone.
This saying rings very true: The answers to my problems were not found at the bottom of the bottle.
Best wishes.
Believe me, you wouldn't want to be forced to stumble through the agony of feeling loss and loneliness tossing and turning for weeks asking yourself...why????? Each relationship I'd lost due to my boozing, the emotions got harder and harder to cope with and I wouldn't wish that darkness on anyone.
This saying rings very true: The answers to my problems were not found at the bottom of the bottle.
Best wishes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by lessgravity
Some harsh responses here. Good to see you are taking them for what they are.
Marriages, mine included, are such huge victims of giving in to our addictions.
Stay strong.
Marriages, mine included, are such huge victims of giving in to our addictions.
Stay strong.
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