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Here again...hubby won't even look at me

Old 06-29-2018, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Newme2018 View Post
But I know im asking for too much....what's wrong with me?!?!? Ugh
nothing the steps of AA cant help ya with.
but as an opinion- selfish self centeredness. probably some fear and insecurities,too.
as stated,though, nothing the dteps of AA cant help ya with.
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Old 06-29-2018, 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Newme2018 View Post
Ok so I am or want to do something about it!!!! I'm sick and tired of this life myself! So what do I do....go to an AA meeting for now? What else?
meetings are great, but going to meetings and not drinking dont treat alcoholism.
its the steps we take,not the meetings we make, that does that.
it would be wise to get a copy of the big book at your next meeting. until then, you can read the big book online with a search of,"big book online."
the first 164 pages describe quite a bit of what we are like, ,why we have to change it,how to change it and the results.

theres a lot of promises that the program has- promises that material as a result of working the steps.

it works if ya work it so work it youre worth it.
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Old 06-29-2018, 01:25 PM
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He's my husband...I confide in him...I look to him for comfort. Just a hug maybe and a "its going to be ok" "we will figure this out together"....or maybe just a "do what you gotta do to get better" "don't worry about the kids, go to an AA meeting"

he's also see you get totally wasted and seen the wreckage in the aftermath. he HAS been there......for years. your drinking is certainly a problem for him, but your sobriety is something YOU have to do.

he could be worried that even with the best of intentions, you head out the door for a "meeting" and come home hammered. he could be worried that you really just don't CARE enough about any of them to do whatever it takes to get well. he could be worried about the safety of his children in your care. now you want hugs and hand pats.....might be a bit more than he has to give right now.

we addicts are takers. gobblers of good and kind. we'll devour ever inch given, every chance. now is your chance to bring it all to a halt. make the commitment to not drink again under any circumstances, ever, period. EV.ER. and then get busy figuring out what keeps driving you to seek oblivion.
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Old 06-29-2018, 01:26 PM
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Weíre spending too much time talking about your husband. Itís distracting you from talking about yourself. Iím not sure hubby is going to leave you, he might just be sick and tired. But the only way to have a chance to get your life back together is to get sober. Iím sure youíve said a million things to hubby before about not drinking. Heís not going to believe anything until you...actually stop drinking.

This isnít the time to be demanding his support. But maybe you can earn it by taking the appropriate steps to get sober. If you actually start making moves, he might just join in. This is a problem that you created, youíve hurt him, and now itís your job to fix it.

You canít realy blame him for being angry can you? But he might get over it if you start taking real responsibility. That means taking care of yourself independently. Because by blaming him for not being supportive, youíre making your alcoholism his fault.

My two cents. And my hubs didnít leave me, thank goodness. This can pass, but you have to own it.
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Old 06-29-2018, 01:47 PM
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I have been in your shoes, over and over and over again.

He wanted me to get sober, the hangover day I wanted to get sober.
I was tired of disappointing him
I was tired of being rude to him
I was embarrassed what I put him through
I didn't want him to leave me
I wanted his support
I didn't want him to drink around me

That was my thinking when I first went to AA back in 2011.

The difference from then to now?

I was to be sober
I want to be proud of who I am
I want to respect myself
I want to be happy
I deserve a good life
I deserve a life in which I choose how I want to be.

I got sober for him, or at least I tried.
It wasn't until I got sober for me that the real change happened.

Best of luck
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:01 PM
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You said, "I don't know I guess I'm asking for too much?"

The man has no more to give. You're still demanding that he make the first move by reaching out to you?

You said, "He's my husband...I confide in him...I look to him for comfort. Just a hug maybe and a "its going to be ok" "we will figure this out together"....or maybe just a "do what you gotta do to get better" "don't worry about the kids, go to an AA meeting"

Where were you when he needed to confide in you, when he needed you to comfort him, when he needed you to hug him, when he needed you by his side to care for those children?

And then the last one -

You said: "But I know im asking for too much....what's wrong with me?!?!? Ugh"

Do you not really know what's wrong with you?
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:17 PM
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Coming to terms with the drinking, acknowledging booze is the root cause of your issues, and choosing to say no to picking up the bottle is just a small price to pay as opposed to them walking out on you.

Believe me, you wouldn't want to be forced to stumble through the agony of feeling loss and loneliness tossing and turning for weeks asking yourself...why????? Each relationship I'd lost due to my boozing, the emotions got harder and harder to cope with and I wouldn't wish that darkness on anyone.

This saying rings very true: The answers to my problems were not found at the bottom of the bottle.

Best wishes.
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:27 PM
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Originally Posted by trachemys View Post
I think the meaning of the word "husband" has been forgotten. A real Husband will be there to help you.
I hope so! If not now...at least over time with sobriety under my belt. Thanks.
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:32 PM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
depends on the sickness/illness.
i was diagnosed with cancer less than a year into recovery. cancer didnt wreak the havoc alcoholism did.
not only that, but there can be a preconceived perception of how a spouse is supposed to be supportive.
'after the havoc i wreaked on my family i had no reason to think they should be supportive. in fact, i didnt blame them one bit when i let them know i was getting help and they just rolled their eye- it wasnt the first time they heard that.
it was the change in me over time that had them convinced i was getting help and was serious about recovery.
Thank you for replying Tom. I am sorry you are going through that...I wish you a successful cancer treatment and recovery. I wish you continued sobriety as well. And yes I should not expect anyone to believe me right now.
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:38 PM
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Some harsh responses here. Good to see you are taking them for what they are.

Marriages, mine included, are such huge victims of giving in to our addictions.

Stay strong.
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
nothing the steps of AA cant help ya with.
but as an opinion- selfish self centeredness. probably some fear and insecurities,too.
as stated,though, nothing the dteps of AA cant help ya with.
I am always quick to help someone in need...always giving advice...but never take it myself...so I never understood how I am selfish. Yes ok because I choose to drink...but I didn't choose this disease?!?! I've been in denial...wanting to control my drinking. Time to try AA again...
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
meetings are great, but going to meetings and not drinking dont treat alcoholism.
its the steps we take,not the meetings we make, that does that.
it would be wise to get a copy of the big book at your next meeting. until then, you can read the big book online with a search of,"big book online."
the first 164 pages describe quite a bit of what we are like, ,why we have to change it,how to change it and the results.

theres a lot of promises that the program has- promises that material as a result of working the steps.

it works if ya work it so work it youre worth it.
I actually have a copy...hidden in my closet. It will be my Friday night read!
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:45 PM
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time to stop hiding!!!
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
He's my husband...I confide in him...I look to him for comfort. Just a hug maybe and a "its going to be ok" "we will figure this out together"....or maybe just a "do what you gotta do to get better" "don't worry about the kids, go to an AA meeting"

he's also see you get totally wasted and seen the wreckage in the aftermath. he HAS been there......for years. your drinking is certainly a problem for him, but your sobriety is something YOU have to do.

he could be worried that even with the best of intentions, you head out the door for a "meeting" and come home hammered. he could be worried that you really just don't CARE enough about any of them to do whatever it takes to get well. he could be worried about the safety of his children in your care. now you want hugs and hand pats.....might be a bit more than he has to give right now.

we addicts are takers. gobblers of good and kind. we'll devour ever inch given, every chance. now is your chance to bring it all to a halt. make the commitment to not drink again under any circumstances, ever, period. EV.ER. and then get busy figuring out what keeps driving you to seek oblivion.
Hi Anvil....great points...and I agree. I am starting to feel like there is less hope because of the actual truth everyone is giving me. But I also know recovery is possible....I have a lot of work to do...thank you for replying.
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:50 PM
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It's easy to get resentful against those who love us because we feel they should understand, or help or support us. Trouble is, our expectations are all skewed. There is no reason on earth that they would be equipped for this task. And those resentments, caused by our own faulty expectations, give us something new to drink over if we're not careful. We cannot afford to let this kind of resentments form. They just kept us howling for the moon and distract us from the job of developing and following a plan for sobriety and recovery.

Acceptance is our friend. As are our fellow travellers on the road of recovery who can help us figure out the difference between what we want and what we need, and the difference between what we cannot change, and what we can, or at least encourage us to do it ourselves. And they can do that because they understand and see through all those rationalisations and the laa-laa-laaing that we do when asked to own our own crap because we're scared and confused.

Xx
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:55 PM
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Originally Posted by eyes99 View Post
Weíre spending too much time talking about your husband. Itís distracting you from talking about yourself. Iím not sure hubby is going to leave you, he might just be sick and tired. But the only way to have a chance to get your life back together is to get sober. Iím sure youíve said a million things to hubby before about not drinking. Heís not going to believe anything until you...actually stop drinking.

This isnít the time to be demanding his support. But maybe you can earn it by taking the appropriate steps to get sober. If you actually start making moves, he might just join in. This is a problem that you created, youíve hurt him, and now itís your job to fix it.

You canít realy blame him for being angry can you? But he might get over it if you start taking real responsibility. That means taking care of yourself independently. Because by blaming him for not being supportive, youíre making your alcoholism his fault.

My two cents. And my hubs didnít leave me, thank goodness. This can pass, but you have to own it.
Thank you for your encouraging words! When you say I created this..im not sure I understand. I thought alcoholism was not a choice.....I didn't wake up one day and say I want to be a drunk. Drinking however I know is which is my bad. Thing is....hubby and I drink together....its something we've always done for "fun"...till its not fun anymore. Even after knowing my problem...he would still drink with me....so it would just make things harder for me to not pick up again. But game is over now....and I DO take full responsibility. One of my fears has been that he will no longer find me fun and will find someone else. But at this point it doesn't matter....because he will for sure leave me if I keep going.
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:55 PM
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Newme,
Words donít matter anymore actions do. Keep drinking then all will be gone , then u could drink all you want. That wonít end well.
I be been there, went to Aa first for my wife and kids. After my third meeting realized I WAS an alcoholic and bought into the program.
Wife and kids did not trust me, they heard it before. Little by slowly things got better. Itís a a lot of work but it pays off.
I could live myself into better thinking but I canít think myself into better living.
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:58 PM
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Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17 View Post
I have been in your shoes, over and over and over again.

He wanted me to get sober, the hangover day I wanted to get sober.
I was tired of disappointing him
I was tired of being rude to him
I was embarrassed what I put him through
I didn't want him to leave me
I wanted his support
I didn't want him to drink around me

That was my thinking when I first went to AA back in 2011.

The difference from then to now?

I was to be sober
I want to be proud of who I am
I want to respect myself
I want to be happy
I deserve a good life
I deserve a life in which I choose how I want to be.

I got sober for him, or at least I tried.
It wasn't until I got sober for me that the real change happened.

Best of luck
Thank you Dreamcatcher! I hope AA and the steps will let me see it that way 🙏
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Old 06-29-2018, 02:59 PM
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Originally Posted by rich27 View Post
Coming to terms with the drinking, acknowledging booze is the root cause of your issues, and choosing to say no to picking up the bottle is just a small price to pay as opposed to them walking out on you.

Believe me, you wouldn't want to be forced to stumble through the agony of feeling loss and loneliness tossing and turning for weeks asking yourself...why????? Each relationship I'd lost due to my boozing, the emotions got harder and harder to cope with and I wouldn't wish that darkness on anyone.

This saying rings very true: The answers to my problems were not found at the bottom of the bottle.

Best wishes.
So so true! Thank you 🙏
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Old 06-29-2018, 03:01 PM
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Originally Posted by lessgravity View Post
Some harsh responses here. Good to see you are taking them for what they are.

Marriages, mine included, are such huge victims of giving in to our addictions.

Stay strong.
Thanks lessgravity 🙏
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