Here again...hubby won't even look at me
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Here again...hubby won't even look at me
Hi everyone....here I am again! Because I didn't listen to you all...again! Binged this weekend....hubby is upset...disgusted...and threatened divorce. He won't speak to me let alone look at me. I really need him to say he is here for me and we will figure this out. Its been many years of this but stopped after 3 pregnancies. I started drinking again and we are right back where we started. I called and made an appointment with a therapist. Next step is a meeting. I don't know what I will do if I lose him and custody of my babies....and can barely carry on right now. He's never really been supportive of AA or therapy...or i think he just doesn't understand alcoholism...anxiety or depression which I think I have some of. I feel like some support from him is what I need!!!! But I can't blame him for all I've put him through either. I'm just a lost soul right now.....
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Many of us have been there, I know the depth of the pain and suffering you are wading in right now.
The only thing to do is to put your sobriety front and center in your mind and your life. If you husband doesn't get it, so be it. I had to do this for myself and for my son.
Like so many of us here, it's in you to do so. It takes work and suffering and discipline.
Keep posting, stay strong.
The only thing to do is to put your sobriety front and center in your mind and your life. If you husband doesn't get it, so be it. I had to do this for myself and for my son.
Like so many of us here, it's in you to do so. It takes work and suffering and discipline.
Keep posting, stay strong.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I know a lot of women whose hubbys / partners weren't so keen on AA at first. Then they started to see a difference in when they'd been to meetings and were working on recovery, and when they weren't. They soon became more receptive to the idea of AA then. My partner needed reassuring that I would not be moaning about him to everyone, blabbing personal stuff around, and that I would be sticking to female support and friendship, other than general politeness and friendliness while there. He sees me now with lots of great friends from recovery. Other women who don't drink (and more), who understand me, and who make me happy.
Of course, it is the unknown and they don't understand it, and can't be part of it. They're going to need showing that it works and is worthwhile. Thing is, he isn't keen on you drinking or relapsing either. Anyway - my recovery or the one thing that I need to be selfish about. Because, without that our relationship is screwed in the long term anyway.
BB
Of course, it is the unknown and they don't understand it, and can't be part of it. They're going to need showing that it works and is worthwhile. Thing is, he isn't keen on you drinking or relapsing either. Anyway - my recovery or the one thing that I need to be selfish about. Because, without that our relationship is screwed in the long term anyway.
BB
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 132
I've been in your shoes. As a matter of fact last weekend my husband literally screamed at me in a store parking lot (in the car) at the top of his lungs that he was so sick of my slips.
It really hit home. I did a lot of thinking with regards to what he said (screamed)~I disrespect him, am unpredictable with the kids (both teens so they must know mom is tipsy), don't remember things and basically we can't plan things as a family because hubby won't know if I'm going to be buzzed.
So all I can do now is do this for myself first, really want it, and then for my family. I remember having 2 months last year and saw how happy he was with me. The family dynamic changed to positive.
Hang in there. If he's anything like my hubby he is just sick & tired of the drinking. He knows there is a good sober person inside and that's what he wants. A lot of things are said out of anger & frustration.
It really hit home. I did a lot of thinking with regards to what he said (screamed)~I disrespect him, am unpredictable with the kids (both teens so they must know mom is tipsy), don't remember things and basically we can't plan things as a family because hubby won't know if I'm going to be buzzed.
So all I can do now is do this for myself first, really want it, and then for my family. I remember having 2 months last year and saw how happy he was with me. The family dynamic changed to positive.
Hang in there. If he's anything like my hubby he is just sick & tired of the drinking. He knows there is a good sober person inside and that's what he wants. A lot of things are said out of anger & frustration.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
For those of us who are wives and mothers and even grandmothers, there is nothing so disgusting as a drunk woman. I grew up watching my aunt slur her words, hugging everybody, repeating over and over that she loved everybody, throwing up, crying, swearing she wasn't drunk, hateful one minute and sugary sweet the next, taking money from all of her family members, etc., and I swore I'd never be that way. I became that way. I never ever intend to do that to myself or my family again. I only got sober when all my enablers decided to flee from me because I was ripping their lives apart.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
It's not his job to understand your disease. It's not his job to be supportive of you or AA. It's your job to own your disease and do something about it or it sounds like you are going to lose your home, husband, and kids. I don't understand if you're really fearful why you're not in a meeting right now instead of posting and drowning in self-pity. Have you heard the saying pour me, pour me, pour me another drink? That's what I hear you saying.
I sponsored a gal one time who had three of the most beautiful children I had ever laid eyes on. She had a husband, a nice home, therapists out the yazoo, churches giving her clothes, free insurance, free car, free food. The community cared for her like she was an infant just because she was alcoholic with three children. She's in jail now of course with her kids spread out all over the town in foster homes, just one after the other. She finally got honest one day and said she didn't want the responsibility of those children, so she'd get drunk so they'd take them away and she could drink the way she needed to drink. I fired her as a sponsee because she could talk the talk but was unwilling to take responsibility for her disease. I'm glad your husband is a responsible person and is taking care of those little children. They need someone to take care of their most basic needs. Sad.
I sponsored a gal one time who had three of the most beautiful children I had ever laid eyes on. She had a husband, a nice home, therapists out the yazoo, churches giving her clothes, free insurance, free car, free food. The community cared for her like she was an infant just because she was alcoholic with three children. She's in jail now of course with her kids spread out all over the town in foster homes, just one after the other. She finally got honest one day and said she didn't want the responsibility of those children, so she'd get drunk so they'd take them away and she could drink the way she needed to drink. I fired her as a sponsee because she could talk the talk but was unwilling to take responsibility for her disease. I'm glad your husband is a responsible person and is taking care of those little children. They need someone to take care of their most basic needs. Sad.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 17
Reverse the spousal roles and I am in a very similar spot. What has helped me, even if just a little bit at a time, has been taking action to address my problem, just like it sounds like you are. While the unknown is terrifying, we can only to our best to become better.
Wish you the best, whatever that will turn out to be.
Wish you the best, whatever that will turn out to be.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I am a widow now. But I wish, before my husband died, I had recognized the codependent/enabler relationship that we were in. I mean, I did recognize it. But I wouldn't completely own my shlit and end the cycle.
I would drink, behave like an idiot, feel remorse and shame, admit I was an alcoholic (which wasn't enough), swear I'd quit, apologize...blah blah blah. I 'needed' him to 'support' me (which he always did, unfortunately). Again, blah blah blah.
What I really was looking for was for him to 'forgive' me because I felt such shame over my behavior. Rather than completely own the behavior I needed him to give me a pass. And ultimately this pass, which he always granted, would allow me to rationalize and drink again. And over and over and over.
The best thing he could have done would have been to not give me that pass. To force me to own my bs and grow the heck up. But he died before that could happen. I really wish I hadn't constantly played that game with him.
This is just me. But if any of what I say resonates with you, or even irritates you a little, I invite you to ask yourself why you need forgiveness or support right now? Maybe he's angry because he has a right to be. And maybe it doesn't matter one bit if he understands your addiction. Because you do.
There is one way for this cycle to stop, and that's to stop drinking. To own your recovery 100%. How he reacts is up to him. You can do this.
I would drink, behave like an idiot, feel remorse and shame, admit I was an alcoholic (which wasn't enough), swear I'd quit, apologize...blah blah blah. I 'needed' him to 'support' me (which he always did, unfortunately). Again, blah blah blah.
What I really was looking for was for him to 'forgive' me because I felt such shame over my behavior. Rather than completely own the behavior I needed him to give me a pass. And ultimately this pass, which he always granted, would allow me to rationalize and drink again. And over and over and over.
The best thing he could have done would have been to not give me that pass. To force me to own my bs and grow the heck up. But he died before that could happen. I really wish I hadn't constantly played that game with him.
This is just me. But if any of what I say resonates with you, or even irritates you a little, I invite you to ask yourself why you need forgiveness or support right now? Maybe he's angry because he has a right to be. And maybe it doesn't matter one bit if he understands your addiction. Because you do.
There is one way for this cycle to stop, and that's to stop drinking. To own your recovery 100%. How he reacts is up to him. You can do this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by djlook 
It's not his job to understand your disease. It's not his job to be supportive of you or AA. It's your job to own your disease and do something about it or it sounds like you are going to lose your home, husband, and kids. I don't understand if you're really fearful why you're not in a meeting right now instead of posting and drowning in self-pity. Have you heard the saying pour me, pour me, pour me another drink? That's what I hear you saying.
I sponsored a gal one time who had three of the most beautiful children I had ever laid eyes on. She had a husband, a nice home, therapists out the yazoo, churches giving her clothes, free insurance, free car, free food. The community cared for her like she was an infant just because she was alcoholic with three children. She's in jail now of course with her kids spread out all over the town in foster homes, just one after the other. She finally got honest one day and said she didn't want the responsibility of those children, so she'd get drunk so they'd take them away and she could drink the way she needed to drink. I fired her as a sponsee because she could talk the talk but was unwilling to take responsibility for her disease. I'm glad your husband is a responsible person and is taking care of those little children. They need someone to take care of their most basic needs. Sad.
I sponsored a gal one time who had three of the most beautiful children I had ever laid eyes on. She had a husband, a nice home, therapists out the yazoo, churches giving her clothes, free insurance, free car, free food. The community cared for her like she was an infant just because she was alcoholic with three children. She's in jail now of course with her kids spread out all over the town in foster homes, just one after the other. She finally got honest one day and said she didn't want the responsibility of those children, so she'd get drunk so they'd take them away and she could drink the way she needed to drink. I fired her as a sponsee because she could talk the talk but was unwilling to take responsibility for her disease. I'm glad your husband is a responsible person and is taking care of those little children. They need someone to take care of their most basic needs. Sad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by Osu2002
Reverse the spousal roles and I am in a very similar spot. What has helped me, even if just a little bit at a time, has been taking action to address my problem, just like it sounds like you are. While the unknown is terrifying, we can only to our best to become better.
Wish you the best, whatever that will turn out to be.
Wish you the best, whatever that will turn out to be.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
You said, "but I thought it was the job of a spouse - And I say everything after your BUT is bull****. You're beating him over the head with your "I'm sick, I need you to be supportive." It may already be too late. I'm not an out and out betting person, but I'd bet anyway that he has plans to either ask you to leave or him leave himself with those poor little children. You've hurt that man very deeply. Alcoholism is a selfish disease, and as a practicing alcoholic, there is no relationship with anything or anybody except a bottle. I guess you're still telling him you love him and telling the children you love them, but you love the bottle more.
Do you mean you're afraid to tell him you're going to an AA meeting but then you weren't afraid to get drunk one more time and knowingly risking your home, husband, and children. Does that make any sense to you? You don't "have to" "want" to do "this" for you and your children, nor do you "need" to do it. For me, I had to get to the place where I knew that fear wasn't going to get me sober, losing my home, husband, and children wasn't going to get me sober. I looked in the mirror at what I had become and saw a hopeless, pathetic, slobbering, falling down drunk, and I knew then that I couldn't live that way anymore. Then I did something about it.
Do you mean you're afraid to tell him you're going to an AA meeting but then you weren't afraid to get drunk one more time and knowingly risking your home, husband, and children. Does that make any sense to you? You don't "have to" "want" to do "this" for you and your children, nor do you "need" to do it. For me, I had to get to the place where I knew that fear wasn't going to get me sober, losing my home, husband, and children wasn't going to get me sober. I looked in the mirror at what I had become and saw a hopeless, pathetic, slobbering, falling down drunk, and I knew then that I couldn't live that way anymore. Then I did something about it.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
I am a widow now. But I wish, before my husband died, I had recognized the codependent/enabler relationship that we were in. I mean, I did recognize it. But I wouldn't completely own my shlit and end the cycle.
I would drink, behave like an idiot, feel remorse and shame, admit I was an alcoholic (which wasn't enough), swear I'd quit, apologize...blah blah blah. I 'needed' him to 'support' me (which he always did, unfortunately). Again, blah blah blah.
What I really was looking for was for him to 'forgive' me because I felt such shame over my behavior. Rather than completely own the behavior I needed him to give me a pass. And ultimately this pass, which he always granted, would allow me to rationalize and drink again. And over and over and over.
The best thing he could have done would have been to not give me that pass. To force me to own my bs and grow the heck up. But he died before that could happen. I really wish I hadn't constantly played that game with him.
This is just me. But if any of what I say resonates with you, or even irritates you a little, I invite you to ask yourself why you need forgiveness or support right now? Maybe he's angry because he has a right to be. And maybe it doesn't matter one bit if he understands your addiction. Because you do.
There is one way for this cycle to stop, and that's to stop drinking. To own your recovery 100%. How he reacts is up to him. You can do this.
I would drink, behave like an idiot, feel remorse and shame, admit I was an alcoholic (which wasn't enough), swear I'd quit, apologize...blah blah blah. I 'needed' him to 'support' me (which he always did, unfortunately). Again, blah blah blah.
What I really was looking for was for him to 'forgive' me because I felt such shame over my behavior. Rather than completely own the behavior I needed him to give me a pass. And ultimately this pass, which he always granted, would allow me to rationalize and drink again. And over and over and over.
The best thing he could have done would have been to not give me that pass. To force me to own my bs and grow the heck up. But he died before that could happen. I really wish I hadn't constantly played that game with him.
This is just me. But if any of what I say resonates with you, or even irritates you a little, I invite you to ask yourself why you need forgiveness or support right now? Maybe he's angry because he has a right to be. And maybe it doesn't matter one bit if he understands your addiction. Because you do.
There is one way for this cycle to stop, and that's to stop drinking. To own your recovery 100%. How he reacts is up to him. You can do this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by djlook
You said, "but I thought it was the job of a spouse - And I say everything after your BUT is bull****. You're beating him over the head with your "I'm sick, I need you to be supportive." It may already be too late. I'm not an out and out betting person, but I'd bet anyway that he has plans to either ask you to leave or him leave himself with those poor little children. You've hurt that man very deeply. Alcoholism is a selfish disease, and as a practicing alcoholic, there is no relationship with anything or anybody except a bottle. I guess you're still telling him you love him and telling the children you love them, but you love the bottle more.
Do you mean you're afraid to tell him you're going to an AA meeting but then you weren't afraid to get drunk one more time and knowingly risking your home, husband, and children. Does that make any sense to you? You don't "have to" "want" to do "this" for you and your children, nor do you "need" to do it. For me, I had to get to the place where I knew that fear wasn't going to get me sober, losing my home, husband, and children wasn't going to get me sober. I looked in the mirror at what I had become and saw a hopeless, pathetic, slobbering, falling down drunk, and I knew then that I couldn't live that way anymore. Then I did something about it.
Do you mean you're afraid to tell him you're going to an AA meeting but then you weren't afraid to get drunk one more time and knowingly risking your home, husband, and children. Does that make any sense to you? You don't "have to" "want" to do "this" for you and your children, nor do you "need" to do it. For me, I had to get to the place where I knew that fear wasn't going to get me sober, losing my home, husband, and children wasn't going to get me sober. I looked in the mirror at what I had become and saw a hopeless, pathetic, slobbering, falling down drunk, and I knew then that I couldn't live that way anymore. Then I did something about it.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Newme2018
Hi Osu...thank you for responding. What action are you taking?
I have had multi-year and month stretches of sobriety in the past, but I realized I had clearly not shut the door all the way and went back. I have to completely slam the door shut.
Finally, and this is miserable, I am the only one that can do this regardless of my wife’s decision. Even with everything I just wrote, I am still very scared, but am very hopeful that time and hard work will get me better.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
What would this support look like?
But I know im asking for too much....what's wrong with me?!?!? Ugh
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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Originally Posted by Newme2018
...but I thought it was the job of a spouse to be supportive? If you are sick...shouldn't you as a spouse help any way you can?
i was diagnosed with cancer less than a year into recovery. cancer didnt wreak the havoc alcoholism did.
not only that, but there can be a preconceived perception of how a spouse is supposed to be supportive.
'after the havoc i wreaked on my family i had no reason to think they should be supportive. in fact, i didnt blame them one bit when i let them know i was getting help and they just rolled their eye- it wasnt the first time they heard that.
it was the change in me over time that had them convinced i was getting help and was serious about recovery.
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