Here again...hubby won't even look at me
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by Newme2018 
Thank you for your encouraging words! When you say I created this..im not sure I understand. I thought alcoholism was not a choice.....I didn't wake up one day and say I want to be a drunk. Drinking however I know is which is my bad. Thing is....hubby and I drink together....its something we've always done for "fun"...till its not fun anymore. Even after knowing my problem...he would still drink with me....so it would just make things harder for me to not pick up again. But game is over now....and I DO take full responsibility. One of my fears has been that he will no longer find me fun and will find someone else. But at this point it doesn't matter....because he will for sure leave me if I keep going.
You didn’t choose to become an alcoholic. But you do choose to continue to drink. Being an alcoholic doesn’t mean that you can’t keep yourself from drinking; my interpretation is that being an alcoholic means that if you do drink, bad things happen. If you do drink, you have difficulty stopping at 1 or 2. Alcoholism describes the body’s reaction to alcohol, the craving. But you do still have a choice as to whether you actually pick up that first drink and start the cycle all over again. And you absolutely are responsible for any and everything that you do and say as a result of drinking.
That’s what I mean when I say that this is a problem that you created. The good news is that means that you can fix it. But you can’t keep waiting for someone else to stop you from taking that first drink, because only you have that power. And you can do it!!! I know you can.
Have faith, and keep posting here. A lot of us have been where you are. You’ve got this. Just take care of yourself and work your sobriety. And remember, you are the only one who can change what you are doing. We can encourage you, distract you, give you ideas, but at the end of the day, it comes down to what you want to do.
Sending good vibes.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by djlook
You said, "I don't know I guess I'm asking for too much?"
The man has no more to give. You're still demanding that he make the first move by reaching out to you?
You said, "He's my husband...I confide in him...I look to him for comfort. Just a hug maybe and a "its going to be ok" "we will figure this out together"....or maybe just a "do what you gotta do to get better" "don't worry about the kids, go to an AA meeting"
Where were you when he needed to confide in you, when he needed you to comfort him, when he needed you to hug him, when he needed you by his side to care for those children?
And then the last one -
You said: "But I know im asking for too much....what's wrong with me?!?!? Ugh"
Do you not really know what's wrong with you?
The man has no more to give. You're still demanding that he make the first move by reaching out to you?
You said, "He's my husband...I confide in him...I look to him for comfort. Just a hug maybe and a "its going to be ok" "we will figure this out together"....or maybe just a "do what you gotta do to get better" "don't worry about the kids, go to an AA meeting"
Where were you when he needed to confide in you, when he needed you to comfort him, when he needed you to hug him, when he needed you by his side to care for those children?
And then the last one -
You said: "But I know im asking for too much....what's wrong with me?!?!? Ugh"
Do you not really know what's wrong with you?
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by eyes99
You didn’t choose to become an alcoholic. But you do choose to continue to drink. Being an alcoholic doesn’t mean that you can’t keep yourself from drinking; my interpretation is that being an alcoholic means that if you do drink, bad things happen. If you do drink, you have difficulty stopping at 1 or 2. Alcoholism describes the body’s reaction to alcohol, the craving. But you do still have a choice as to whether you actually pick up that first drink and start the cycle all over again. And you absolutely are responsible for any and everything that you do and say as a result of drinking.
That’s what I mean when I say that this is a problem that you created. The good news is that means that you can fix it. But you can’t keep waiting for someone else to stop you from taking that first drink, because only you have that power. And you can do it!!! I know you can.
Have faith, and keep posting here. A lot of us have been where you are. You’ve got this. Just take care of yourself and work your sobriety. And remember, you are the only one who can change what you are doing. We can encourage you, distract you, give you ideas, but at the end of the day, it comes down to what you want to do.
Sending good vibes.
That’s what I mean when I say that this is a problem that you created. The good news is that means that you can fix it. But you can’t keep waiting for someone else to stop you from taking that first drink, because only you have that power. And you can do it!!! I know you can.
Have faith, and keep posting here. A lot of us have been where you are. You’ve got this. Just take care of yourself and work your sobriety. And remember, you are the only one who can change what you are doing. We can encourage you, distract you, give you ideas, but at the end of the day, it comes down to what you want to do.
Sending good vibes.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by Berrybean
It's easy to get resentful against those who love us because we feel they should understand, or help or support us. Trouble is, our expectations are all skewed. There is no reason on earth that they would be equipped for this task. And those resentments, caused by our own faulty expectations, give us something new to drink over if we're not careful. We cannot afford to let this kind of resentments form. They just kept us howling for the moon and distract us from the job of developing and following a plan for sobriety and recovery.
Acceptance is our friend. As are our fellow travellers on the road of recovery who can help us figure out the difference between what we want and what we need, and the difference between what we cannot change, and what we can, or at least encourage us to do it ourselves. And they can do that because they understand and see through all those rationalisations and the laa-laa-laaing that we do when asked to own our own crap because we're scared and confused.
Xx
Acceptance is our friend. As are our fellow travellers on the road of recovery who can help us figure out the difference between what we want and what we need, and the difference between what we cannot change, and what we can, or at least encourage us to do it ourselves. And they can do that because they understand and see through all those rationalisations and the laa-laa-laaing that we do when asked to own our own crap because we're scared and confused.
Xx
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Posts: 104
[QUOTE=Kdon853;6940999]Newme,
Words don’t matter anymore actions do. Keep drinking then all will be gone , then u could drink all you want. That won’t end well.
I be been there, went to Aa first for my wife and kids. After my third meeting realized I WAS an alcoholic and bought into the program.
Wife and kids did not trust me, they heard it before. Little by slowly things got better. It’s a a lot of work but it pays off.
I could live myself into better thinking but I can’t think myself into better living.[/QUOT
thanks kdon...glad its gotten better for you...I hope to get there too 🙏
Words don’t matter anymore actions do. Keep drinking then all will be gone , then u could drink all you want. That won’t end well.
I be been there, went to Aa first for my wife and kids. After my third meeting realized I WAS an alcoholic and bought into the program.
Wife and kids did not trust me, they heard it before. Little by slowly things got better. It’s a a lot of work but it pays off.
I could live myself into better thinking but I can’t think myself into better living.[/QUOT
thanks kdon...glad its gotten better for you...I hope to get there too 🙏
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Originally Posted by Newme2018
I actually have a copy...hidden in my closet. It will be my Friday night read!
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 129
Some hard words here, but sometimes we need to hear hard words to penetrate the big ol’ bubble of drunk we’ve blown out of our own behinds. Here’s an outline of my story: I hope it might help you.
I am a 43 year old woman, the mother to two children and a wife. I stopped drinking in January this year and sobriety is currently the most important thing to me. I grew up in a house with two alcoholic parents and so I was wise to the great deceptions alcoholics practice on themselves and those around them well before I had my first drink. I knew, and I knew well, that alcoholics love any kind of drama and upset because it lets them drink and I also knew well that support or rejection are the same to an active alcoholic. Hey, says the alcoholic, pass the bottle! I’m allowed to drink because they understand me or they hate me; it’s all the same to me and booze, hurrah!
And then I drank myself. And then I showed exactly the same mean, low, self-sabotaging and self-absorbed behaviors as my parents. Anything was an excuse to drink: tough day with the kids; husband cross because I was hungover; husband willing to help me stop drinking (ah, he sees me as a wastrel, better drink to mask the shame!)... The list just goes on and on. Point is, all these things are EXCUSES. And until I was done making excuses, sobriety eluded me. I was a ****** excuse for a wife and a mother, but I’d like to think I’m making amends now, because I’m not drinking. That’s what you need to do, too. Stop drinking, stop the excuses, and chase after sobriety hard. And leave your husband out of it: if you are anything like me, you’ll use whatever your husband does as a way to prop up your continued drinking. You get sober for YOU.
I am a 43 year old woman, the mother to two children and a wife. I stopped drinking in January this year and sobriety is currently the most important thing to me. I grew up in a house with two alcoholic parents and so I was wise to the great deceptions alcoholics practice on themselves and those around them well before I had my first drink. I knew, and I knew well, that alcoholics love any kind of drama and upset because it lets them drink and I also knew well that support or rejection are the same to an active alcoholic. Hey, says the alcoholic, pass the bottle! I’m allowed to drink because they understand me or they hate me; it’s all the same to me and booze, hurrah!
And then I drank myself. And then I showed exactly the same mean, low, self-sabotaging and self-absorbed behaviors as my parents. Anything was an excuse to drink: tough day with the kids; husband cross because I was hungover; husband willing to help me stop drinking (ah, he sees me as a wastrel, better drink to mask the shame!)... The list just goes on and on. Point is, all these things are EXCUSES. And until I was done making excuses, sobriety eluded me. I was a ****** excuse for a wife and a mother, but I’d like to think I’m making amends now, because I’m not drinking. That’s what you need to do, too. Stop drinking, stop the excuses, and chase after sobriety hard. And leave your husband out of it: if you are anything like me, you’ll use whatever your husband does as a way to prop up your continued drinking. You get sober for YOU.
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Originally Posted by djlook
Ma'am.
Are you going to suit up and show up for an AA meeting today?
Are you going to suit up and show up for an AA meeting today?
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Alcoholism runs in my family. So I guess I was born with this disease. Luckily - for a deadly disease - it has an easy and foolproof cure. Stop drinking alcohol.
Chin up, Newme. There's been some real tough love on this thread, but the advice has been excellent. Find the strength within yourself.
I'm a single woman, so had no hubby to either criticise or enable my drinking or support or sabotage my sobriety. It has obviously been up to me from the get-go. I used to think it was a blessing actually to be on my own and not have to consider someone else in all this. Now I think it really doesn't matter. Achieving sobriety is always an inside job.
Chin up, Newme. There's been some real tough love on this thread, but the advice has been excellent. Find the strength within yourself.
I'm a single woman, so had no hubby to either criticise or enable my drinking or support or sabotage my sobriety. It has obviously been up to me from the get-go. I used to think it was a blessing actually to be on my own and not have to consider someone else in all this. Now I think it really doesn't matter. Achieving sobriety is always an inside job.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by wynwrights
Some hard words here, but sometimes we need to hear hard words to penetrate the big ol’ bubble of drunk we’ve blown out of our own behinds. Here’s an outline of my story: I hope it might help you.
I am a 43 year old woman, the mother to two children and a wife. I stopped drinking in January this year and sobriety is currently the most important thing to me. I grew up in a house with two alcoholic parents and so I was wise to the great deceptions alcoholics practice on themselves and those around them well before I had my first drink. I knew, and I knew well, that alcoholics love any kind of drama and upset because it lets them drink and I also knew well that support or rejection are the same to an active alcoholic. Hey, says the alcoholic, pass the bottle! I’m allowed to drink because they understand me or they hate me; it’s all the same to me and booze, hurrah!
And then I drank myself. And then I showed exactly the same mean, low, self-sabotaging and self-absorbed behaviors as my parents. Anything was an excuse to drink: tough day with the kids; husband cross because I was hungover; husband willing to help me stop drinking (ah, he sees me as a wastrel, better drink to mask the shame!)... The list just goes on and on. Point is, all these things are EXCUSES. And until I was done making excuses, sobriety eluded me. I was a ****** excuse for a wife and a mother, but I’d like to think I’m making amends now, because I’m not drinking. That’s what you need to do, too. Stop drinking, stop the excuses, and chase after sobriety hard. And leave your husband out of it: if you are anything like me, you’ll use whatever your husband does as a way to prop up your continued drinking. You get sober for YOU.
I am a 43 year old woman, the mother to two children and a wife. I stopped drinking in January this year and sobriety is currently the most important thing to me. I grew up in a house with two alcoholic parents and so I was wise to the great deceptions alcoholics practice on themselves and those around them well before I had my first drink. I knew, and I knew well, that alcoholics love any kind of drama and upset because it lets them drink and I also knew well that support or rejection are the same to an active alcoholic. Hey, says the alcoholic, pass the bottle! I’m allowed to drink because they understand me or they hate me; it’s all the same to me and booze, hurrah!
And then I drank myself. And then I showed exactly the same mean, low, self-sabotaging and self-absorbed behaviors as my parents. Anything was an excuse to drink: tough day with the kids; husband cross because I was hungover; husband willing to help me stop drinking (ah, he sees me as a wastrel, better drink to mask the shame!)... The list just goes on and on. Point is, all these things are EXCUSES. And until I was done making excuses, sobriety eluded me. I was a ****** excuse for a wife and a mother, but I’d like to think I’m making amends now, because I’m not drinking. That’s what you need to do, too. Stop drinking, stop the excuses, and chase after sobriety hard. And leave your husband out of it: if you are anything like me, you’ll use whatever your husband does as a way to prop up your continued drinking. You get sober for YOU.
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Originally Posted by Mummyto2
Do everything and anything to stay sober and keep your family together, alcohol loves to destroy people and everyone around them, good luck
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Originally Posted by MissPerfumado
Alcoholism runs in my family. So I guess I was born with this disease. Luckily - for a deadly disease - it has an easy and foolproof cure. Stop drinking alcohol.
Chin up, Newme. There's been some real tough love on this thread, but the advice has been excellent. Find the strength within yourself.
I'm a single woman, so had no hubby to either criticise or enable my drinking or support or sabotage my sobriety. It has obviously been up to me from the get-go. I used to think it was a blessing actually to be on my own and not have to consider someone else in all this. Now I think it really doesn't matter. Achieving sobriety is always an inside job.
Chin up, Newme. There's been some real tough love on this thread, but the advice has been excellent. Find the strength within yourself.
I'm a single woman, so had no hubby to either criticise or enable my drinking or support or sabotage my sobriety. It has obviously been up to me from the get-go. I used to think it was a blessing actually to be on my own and not have to consider someone else in all this. Now I think it really doesn't matter. Achieving sobriety is always an inside job.
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I'm sorry for your situation. I can relate so much to what you're going through right now. I never felt so alone as when my husband confronted me about my drinking and fully expected me to fix the mess. I had to do a lot of soul-searching to find my way through the early days. I discovered that many of the things, both good and bad, that I'd believed about myself were not true. I discovered that, even though I was going through it alone, I could do it.
I think it's up to you to find a path that works for you. I'm not an AA person but I have found things that work for me in my recovery. Have faith that you can do this.
I think it's up to you to find a path that works for you. I'm not an AA person but I have found things that work for me in my recovery. Have faith that you can do this.
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Location: Australia
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Hi newme
whether you think it's fair or not, the buck really does stop with us.
All the energy you're expending on what you think other people should be doing for you is wasted energy because we can't control others or what they do or don't do.
Its like being in a locked room and expecting someone else to fashion a key for you. I did that too.
I let myself be convinced I was sick and useless, helpless and hopeless and my addiction loved that.
It have me a hall pass to drink because that was what alcoholics did and noone in my life could be bothered to help me.
It's simply not a true representation of the situation.
We can do a lot - so much - for ourselves.
I urge you not to sit on your hands too much. You may feel poorly, a meeting may seem an immense thin g, but it's actions like that that change outcomes.
What I needed was considerable clear and definite action - clear change - in my life.
You don't get that from thinking about stuff, it comes from taking action
D
whether you think it's fair or not, the buck really does stop with us.
All the energy you're expending on what you think other people should be doing for you is wasted energy because we can't control others or what they do or don't do.
Its like being in a locked room and expecting someone else to fashion a key for you. I did that too.
I let myself be convinced I was sick and useless, helpless and hopeless and my addiction loved that.
It have me a hall pass to drink because that was what alcoholics did and noone in my life could be bothered to help me.
It's simply not a true representation of the situation.
We can do a lot - so much - for ourselves.
I urge you not to sit on your hands too much. You may feel poorly, a meeting may seem an immense thin g, but it's actions like that that change outcomes.
What I needed was considerable clear and definite action - clear change - in my life.
You don't get that from thinking about stuff, it comes from taking action
D
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
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It appears you've pretty much nixed the AA suggestion, again. Maybe you'd want to attend an Al-Anon meeting and hear their stories. I bet you know this too, that Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics. Try sitting through one of those Al-Anon meetings and listen to the 60 and 70-year-old parents who have sold their homes to finance one more weekend binge for their son or daughter and ended up homeless themselves after having worked all their lives and were so proud that they were able to accumulate enough for a down payment on that home. Or listen to the the husband and/or wife who spent $200,000, $300,000 for treatment centers for their husband and/or wife, and the drunk got out of treatment and went right back to drinking. Or you might want to try an Al-Ateen meeting and listen to the stories of the teenagers who grew up with a drunk mom and/or dad, and how they're spending their precious teenage years going to therapists and psychiatrists to deal with their emotional problems.
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I consider some of the comments to be a bit harsh considering you came hear looking for support. My ex-husband ended up with my kids mainly because of my mental illness. He paid $100000 to get them. After that I drank myself stupid and he moved them to a secret location. It's the worst thing for a mother to deal with. I will never fully recover. For the sake of your kids do this for them even if you can't do it for yourself. Your husband's reaction is just a side issue. I know someone who has a grandchild she has never seen. It can be hard to make a meeting with children but look into their eyes and ask yourself do you want to lose them.
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