It's gotten very, very serious

Old 08-11-2017, 11:08 AM
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It's gotten very, very serious

Hi, all.
I have been drinking all day, every day for almost twenty years. I never had an issue with drinking but my dad was an alcoholic. Fast forward to 1999 when, after marrying a man who was a health nut and a public servant, I discovered he was a recovering alcoholic.

Suffice it to say he did not want to be tied down by a family and proceeded to return to alcohol because of losing his freedom and autonomy to me and our daughter. I was a successful writer and local celebrity, three degrees, perfect credit, good job. His alcoholism quickly tore our life apart, from the bills he never paid to the mortgage not being met, to his not coming home and even following me around the house, breaking down doors and screaming at our daughter and me. After he went out for Motrin for our daughter's high fever and didn't come back til 4am, I filed for divorce but ended up reconciling when he went to rehab.

An endless cycle of relapse, recovery, couples therapy, family recovery programs, affairs by both of us, another child arriving... A total nightmare. Five years after we were married, we had lost our house and he had lost his job, but it wasn't over. He went on to commit arson during a relapse and went to prison, forcing my daughters and I to move out of town and stay with a man I had started seeing. And the cycle continued. When he got out of jail I took him back and, a year later, took our daughters out through the bedroom window where he had barricaded us and went back home.

Years of horrible, abusive relationships ensued, and he also followed us back home, where he continued to harrass me. I started drinking when I found out he was an alcoholic. Ironic isn't it? The reality that I had ended up marrying my drunken father was too much to face. I remember the day I took out the bottle of whiskey we kept in the cabinet for his uncle, got out a glass, and started in. That was in 2001. I stopped for one year about five years ago, after getting to the point where I was drinking a fifth of hard liquor and some wine every day, trying to run my small business alone at home and raise two girls by myself. I started again after I unwisely began dating another abusive man.

I am almost fifty years old, my daughters are now teenagers, and it is *I* who they see as the alcoholic. The irony and frustration and sadness and anger I feel knowing that I spent so many years trying to protect them from their dad.... that they don't even remember his drunken rages and abuse.... and that they see ME as the problem, ME as the drunk, ME as the problem parent,,,, it's unbearable.

Each day I sit down at my desk and begin to work, but it is impossible to do what I need to do. I am suffering from PTSD from a particularly abusive relationship after my divorce. I can't concentrate, I owe everyone. I am always behind on taxes. My now ex husband was diagnosed with ADD and can't work, does nothing to support our kids or help run the business. I can't meet my professional or family obligations. By 1pm I go out to "lunch' and end up drinking and then getting more to take home because of course I have to be able to face the rest of the day and all of the things I haven't done.

I am always exhausted. I've gained sixty pounds in the past five years. I had a full checkup in December and found that all of my "insides" are still ok, but I know I am running out of time. I feel things changing in my organs, I feel that my body is tapped out and can no longer handle the abuse. I am facing the reality that I may very well die in a few years and not be here for my children. And yet I cannot stop drinking. I simply cannot handle "reality," but then I drink to escape it and it makes everything worse as I neglect my work and duties, disappoint and scare my children, and feel more shame and fear, which makes me drink again. I have to stop drinking. I absolutely have to stop this insanity. Thanks for listening to my story.
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Old 08-11-2017, 11:17 AM
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Hi, welcome, have you thought of going to see your doctor first, as stopping on your own could be dangerous, there are lots of great people on here who have felt the same way good luck
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Old 08-11-2017, 11:25 AM
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Hi N

So glad you are here. This is a great place for support if you are ready to reclaim your life.

I am also a mom with older teen kids, who didn't start heavy drinking till later in life. I've now been alcohol free for all of this summer and I'm starting to reemerge and rediscover myself, my strength, my health, my self respect. You can too. Your daughters deserve it and so do you.

You have the power to stop and change your life.

We are here to help.

Here's my introductory post if you'd like to read it. Many of us have similar stories. Alcohol damages all of us in such predictable ways.

Best wishes. This can be your corner turned. There's a lot of life left ahead.
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Old 08-11-2017, 11:28 AM
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Giving up is NOT an option.
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Wow - what a painful story to read. I feel your pain coming through the computer screen. You have been through an awful lot in your life.

You're caught in a horrible cycle right now - and I understand it very well. Reality sucks, so you drink to escape it, but that makes reality even worse, so more drinking is in order, or so your addiction would tell you. You can break that cycle. You're going to need help - are you willing to get that help and do whatever it takes? For me, that help was treatment and AA. When I was ready, really ready, to be done drinking, I took action. Can you do a treatment program? Even outpatient? Can you find AA meetings and start going to them? Do you have any sober friends to reach out to (they don't have to be sober I guess, just someone to talk to who won't be judgemental)?

It is insanity. It really is. Before I quit drinking my life was spiraling out of control, but I kept at it anyway. Truly crazy. But I did it. I quit. You can, too. Stick around here. Read about others and their stories of how they did it. Think about other steps you can take. Oh - and when you quit, do it in supervised detox. I didn't, and I was lucky - it can be really dangerous to go cold turkey.
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Old 08-11-2017, 11:30 AM
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I hope you make the decision to stop drinking. It would be good for you to sit down and come up with a plan for recovery that would work for you. Once you are in recovery, you will be able to deal with the rest of the issues in your life. We do understand how hard this is, so keep reading and posting.
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Old 08-11-2017, 11:39 AM
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I stopped for about two weeks for my daughter's high school graduation in June, so I know that I can do it without being hospitalized. I was prescribed an anti anxiety medication by my doctor in December, which does help me throughout the day (Gabapentin), WHEN I don't also drink, which is only until the afternoon most days. I know I need a plan. When I quit for a year a few years back I remember that I spent a LOT of energy filling up the time and my mind. I started baking bread, I made crafts, I came up with big projects that I worked on for hours and hours a day. I feel so uninterested in life this time. The thought of doing any of those things just makes me feel exhausted . I know that this time I need to actually write a plan, a daily plan that I must put all of my energy and will into sticking to. One of the hardest things for me is that I know I need to go out and walk, go see people, make plans, be involved in life, but I am afraid to leave the house. Part of it is the PTSD I have which includes horrible agoraphobia and social anxeity. Part of it is that I know if I leave the house I will come back with alcohol. There are days when I actually park my car in front of my house without getting alcohol and then sit there and end up driving to the liquor store because I can't bear the thought of being home without it. I need to break this habit and obssession with coming home with alcohol. I need to plan how that is going to happen.
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Old 08-11-2017, 11:40 AM
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I am sorry to hear what you have been through. There is hope, and SR is a great place to start the process of change. I am almost 50 too and have been drinking dangerously for at least 10 years.
I stopped ultimately because my body couldn't take it any longer. Like you the damage was not showing YET on the tests but I could feel that I was slowly dying; physically and mentally.
I was terrified of stopping because I had no idea how I could face all my problems without wine. I can tell you it is possible. You are obviously bright and talented....great attributes to build a new life.

It is deeply painful to see oneself through the eyes of ones children but if you can get through the first few weeks this can gradually be managed- by making amends and eventually forgiving yourself.

Sadly history does repeat itself - but if you can learn from your experiences, you can change your future. Being sober is the only way this can be done. It isn't easy. I continue to struggle at 56 days sober. But I believe it is possible.
Take care
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Old 08-11-2017, 11:48 AM
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Do you see a therapist for the PTSD?
Have you considered or tried EMDR?
What about a woman's rehab? It may behoove you to try to go it at home even with meds from your doctor bc you have other healing to do. You've gone through a lot. You deserve to sort it all out.
Take care,
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Old 08-11-2017, 12:22 PM
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Hello and welcome to you. I too feel such pain reading your story, I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I would give anything to be closer to you and just sit down with you and hug you and listen. You sound miserable and just completely spent. It is so hard to believe right now, I know it all to well, but there is hope, you CAN stop the madness.
I would highly, highly suggest inpatient rehab. I know that taking time away from your daughters and life and work obligations seems impossible, but when there is a will there is a way.
Rehab first and foremost will keep you away from alcohol for at least 30 days. You will have 30 days sober as a starting point. You will learn coping techniques for cravings, how to deal with stress, etc. You will also meet individually with a psychologist and be able to begin working on yourself, removing not just from your alcoholism but from years of abuse. You will be fed a healthy diet and learn to eat right again. You will also just be able to "check out" of your life for a while. Just a time for you to concentrate on you and only you and not worry about the house, bills, work, etc.
Going to rehab saved my life, it was what finally pulled me out of the death spiral. I have had a few relapses since leaving rehab, but I have been able to quickly put a stop to them and get back to working hard on my sobriety. I honestly think I would be dead by now had I not gone to rehab. I was drinking from morning to night, 3 or more bottles of wine a day, if there was no wine I would chug hard liquor, anything. Life was a complete and total mess and I was killing myself while my children watched. I am so thankful to be out. You can get out too.
Please stick around here, please let us help.
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Old 08-11-2017, 01:53 PM
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There is literally no way I could possibly go into rehab for thirty days. Not only do I have no money, but I run our business absolutely single handedly. If I am gone for even half a day it's a disaster. I have tried to hire others to help but I then can't afford to pay them because business is not good the past two years. My daughter is also being homeschooled by me because of her own anxiety and depression, so my being here is not an option in any way. I know that I would be much more "here" for her if I was able to go into inpatient rehab, but that just isn't an option so I will have to do it otherwise. I have wanted to try EMDR (I think that is what it is called). I have not been in therapy since i left the abusive relationship that led to the PTSD--against because I cannot afford therapy and the state keeps rejecting my Medicaid applications for various reasons. I am hoping that if I can get well I will be able to make a bit more income and purchase health insurance again to help with therapy fees. Thank you all so much! Thank you everyone!
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Old 08-11-2017, 02:15 PM
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Maybe a doctor could help you with a detox at home....if you had someone to stay with you for the first few days in case you needed medical help? I think trying to do this without medical help might be risky and also make it very hard not to relapse in the first week. Perhaps others here on SR have more experience than me and can advise you. I did get some withdrawal symptoms that were very scary and I was mostly a binge drinker (though that was turning into daily drinking more frequently in the last year). I don't want to frighten you at all....just want you to be safe. Your life can be so much better.
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Old 08-11-2017, 03:27 PM
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Norfolkgal I'm in the same habit as you afternoon drinking been doing it for 15 yrs i'm 53 I to have gained 50 extra pounds and I feel sick like my life is slipping away as well so I must quit i've been reading posts here alot lately and these people are an inspiration to me it's not going to be easy 'but we can do it.Plus my heart depends on it.
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Old 08-11-2017, 04:36 PM
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Welcome again norfolkgal

if rehab is out of the question, maybe you can swing by your Drs for their advice. I know you've detoxed before without apparent ill effect but its better to be safe than sorry.

I'm really sorry for all thats happened to you in the past but it's the present thats mnost important right now - you can beat this and you can start a new life without addiction.

There's tons of support here - you're not alone

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Old 08-11-2017, 07:21 PM
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I did drink today., but not in the house and not much. I worked until 4 o'clock and when I wanted to go out for alcohol I prayed, paced the house, came on here, paced some more, I went out to dinner and drank 2 glasses of wine then forced myself to drive home and go in my house without getting alcohol. I have been sitting here gritting my teeth and,watching tv. my daughter is babysitting and I'm at least able to pick her up for once because I'm sober. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow but I'm hanging on right now. I hope you are all ok. Thank you for helping me today.
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Old 08-11-2017, 08:24 PM
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Welcome Ursula

good to have you join us - feel free to start your own thread as well - you'll get more response that way

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Old 08-11-2017, 08:33 PM
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Hey Ursula. I can feel your pain. Children have quick forgetters and only see the obvious. I have been in abusive relationships myself and know the heartache pain and fear they cause. Well done at least for you trying to cut down. Maybe see your doctor about something to reduce your anxiety. I hope things get better. Don't go out and buy more alcohol. You can do this. If you need to talk pmessage me.
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Old 08-11-2017, 10:32 PM
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I am sorry to hear you can't get away. I run my own business too so I understand all the stress and complications.

Are there free counselling services where you are? Is that something you can look into?
Believe me, I know what I am about to say is gratingly annoying and sounds patronising, it is not meant to be- but- if you stop spending money on alcohol you will have more money for something like therapy. I know, I know, easier said than done and it is the therapy that may be the thing that helps you stop drinking so you need to get in there first..... It is so tough, I get that.

You really sound like you would benefit from professional help though. Another option is AA meetings, which are free and if you are in a big city available almost any time of the day. Could you look into that?

Sending you hope and a hug.
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Old 08-11-2017, 10:46 PM
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ALCOHOLISM SUCKS. As does a lot o your history. Your kids- it seems unfair they are angry and labelling you, but who else can they blame? I have 2 adult sons who do not talk to me. I should have died from very severe burns from a blackout-cuiggie-f/glass splint- booze). My family abandoned me in hospital- leaving me homeless, with no possessions or money. I eventually found help and imporve every day. After hospital I gave up for 6 weeks- and the shock, pain and the supermarket of prescribed drugs I was on took their toll and drank 5 litres of wine a day- in a hell boarding house full of druggies. In hosipital they thought I had alcohol dementia.
Alcohol will make EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING WORSE. Get professional help- support. A women's health support place- AA meetings, the local church, a counsellor. It is hard work but you need to fix yourself. You cannot change what your kids feel or think.
Empathy, compassion and support to you.
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Old 08-12-2017, 04:57 AM
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I'm glad you're here, thank you for sharing your story.

You're only nearing fifty..... you have teenagers.... what a GIFT!!!!

This tremendous opportunity you have:

To begin living life with depth and joy and presence.
To transcend your pain and trauma by facing into it and working on it.
To be and honor your true self.
To show your daughters another path and help THEM avoid this addictive fate.
To turn your life into the light of beauty that it is and leave this awfulness stage behind.

TO EMBRACE SOBRIETY and act in honor of that every day.....

To watch your life become lighter and more joyful and more cherished every day and to free yourself from the weight of the despair and darkness you carry.

Awesome, isn't it?

And make no mistake - YOU CAN.

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Old 01-06-2018, 12:25 PM
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Hey thnx for sharing your story that took major guts. All i can say is please keep coming back here, we are all here for you to listen. Obviously we r not permitted to give medical advice, but we CAN be your friends. I dont know if you're interested in AA or not, but being able to talk to others is critical. I wish you the best please stay strong. Hugs.
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