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Old 08-11-2017, 11:08 AM
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norfolkgal
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 6
It's gotten very, very serious

Hi, all.
I have been drinking all day, every day for almost twenty years. I never had an issue with drinking but my dad was an alcoholic. Fast forward to 1999 when, after marrying a man who was a health nut and a public servant, I discovered he was a recovering alcoholic.

Suffice it to say he did not want to be tied down by a family and proceeded to return to alcohol because of losing his freedom and autonomy to me and our daughter. I was a successful writer and local celebrity, three degrees, perfect credit, good job. His alcoholism quickly tore our life apart, from the bills he never paid to the mortgage not being met, to his not coming home and even following me around the house, breaking down doors and screaming at our daughter and me. After he went out for Motrin for our daughter's high fever and didn't come back til 4am, I filed for divorce but ended up reconciling when he went to rehab.

An endless cycle of relapse, recovery, couples therapy, family recovery programs, affairs by both of us, another child arriving... A total nightmare. Five years after we were married, we had lost our house and he had lost his job, but it wasn't over. He went on to commit arson during a relapse and went to prison, forcing my daughters and I to move out of town and stay with a man I had started seeing. And the cycle continued. When he got out of jail I took him back and, a year later, took our daughters out through the bedroom window where he had barricaded us and went back home.

Years of horrible, abusive relationships ensued, and he also followed us back home, where he continued to harrass me. I started drinking when I found out he was an alcoholic. Ironic isn't it? The reality that I had ended up marrying my drunken father was too much to face. I remember the day I took out the bottle of whiskey we kept in the cabinet for his uncle, got out a glass, and started in. That was in 2001. I stopped for one year about five years ago, after getting to the point where I was drinking a fifth of hard liquor and some wine every day, trying to run my small business alone at home and raise two girls by myself. I started again after I unwisely began dating another abusive man.

I am almost fifty years old, my daughters are now teenagers, and it is *I* who they see as the alcoholic. The irony and frustration and sadness and anger I feel knowing that I spent so many years trying to protect them from their dad.... that they don't even remember his drunken rages and abuse.... and that they see ME as the problem, ME as the drunk, ME as the problem parent,,,, it's unbearable.

Each day I sit down at my desk and begin to work, but it is impossible to do what I need to do. I am suffering from PTSD from a particularly abusive relationship after my divorce. I can't concentrate, I owe everyone. I am always behind on taxes. My now ex husband was diagnosed with ADD and can't work, does nothing to support our kids or help run the business. I can't meet my professional or family obligations. By 1pm I go out to "lunch' and end up drinking and then getting more to take home because of course I have to be able to face the rest of the day and all of the things I haven't done.

I am always exhausted. I've gained sixty pounds in the past five years. I had a full checkup in December and found that all of my "insides" are still ok, but I know I am running out of time. I feel things changing in my organs, I feel that my body is tapped out and can no longer handle the abuse. I am facing the reality that I may very well die in a few years and not be here for my children. And yet I cannot stop drinking. I simply cannot handle "reality," but then I drink to escape it and it makes everything worse as I neglect my work and duties, disappoint and scare my children, and feel more shame and fear, which makes me drink again. I have to stop drinking. I absolutely have to stop this insanity. Thanks for listening to my story.
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