Chickenlady06

Day 3!
Back to work after a long weekend due to the hurricane. Luckily we don't have any damage in my area, but I'm keeping those hardest hit in my thoughts. This was my first hurricane experience and happy it was uneventful. I woke up without an alarm at 430, but didn't roll out of bed till 5. Decided I wanted to get some cardio in so spent a little time on the bike.
Now, I just have to get through work...blerg. Work has been a huge thing I'm hiding from. I'm not happy in my job, but can't really leave yet, but I'm updating my resume and keeping an eye out. I work for a huge corporation and I just hate it. So my goal this week is to stop saying I hate it and fake it till I make it. I make a paycheck and I'm happy for it and lucky. After work, I'm off to the gym and home again to spend some time with the family and go to bed. Easy.

sadsadgirl

Hey ChickenLady, loving this thread! Also I'm exactly in the same position as you with work too. I'm not going to say I hate it, I hate the insecurity around it, redundancy looming etc. But I'm using this time to get my head together and get into a good work life balance. Where life means no drink and actually living my life! It'll help me in the long run to achieve what I believe I'm capable of work wise.

I wonder if a lot of hating our jobs is because we're unhappy with the drinking. Everything is more manageable when drink isn't involved.

Chickenlady06

Thank you ssg, I keep reminding myself that things may change as my brain changes, and I've been tryingto keep a lock on the negative thoughts today...that is super hard.
Everytime something bad creeps in, I shut my eyes and say to myself, "I'm happy and I'm grateful." Just a few times over and take a deep breath each time and end by sticking a huge smile on my face. Sounds a bit "woo woo" but it's actually been working today. I'm taking a break from my desk and my reports to just breathe. And now back to the grind.
🌻🌻I'm happy and I'm grateful. 🌻🌻

Chickenlady06

Got to work and the stress hits kept coming till the end of the day. My to do list was even longer than when I began this morning. BUT...I'm happy and I'm grateful. I'm digging that little mantra, I can use it for so much. I'm happy I'm working on changing myself and I'm grateful that I have a well paying job.

Okay, now for a little segment I like to call things that bring me joy...
I busted out of work ready for the gym in the "Florida fall" air, hopped in the car and hit mostly all green lights. All of my windows down and I unapologetically pretended I was a pop singer belting out the top 40. I love to sing so much...I'm just not that great at it and always off key. A guy next to me at a light rolled up his window, but I didn't mind at all, just kept on going. I always want to feel the way I do when I'm driving and singing, just totally joyful.

I had a brief moment of just whatever, give up, it doesn't matter today...but then I remembered that I'm happy and I'm grateful. Drinking doesn't need to be a part of my life, and I just need to keep fighting and remembering that when I'm drinking I don't feel happy or grateful. I don't feel at all. Time for a change. I'm all sorts of optimistic today. 🤗😙😴

Off to down my tea and go to bed.

sadsadgirl

ChickenLady-you rock! That last post was great-I'm inspired by your attitude to work. It's rubbing off on me! And you keep belting those songs out if the mood takes you-enjoy the good moments!

Chickenlady06

I tell you, it was not easy with work yesterday, the tone around the office is very negative, over worked understaffed and everyone is just plain stressed. So, I'm definitely trying it again today, and maybe just annoy the office with my winning smile. 😉 I'm going to try to talk the girls into go to our favorite taco place that is about to close shop, so that should help boost some spirits. Tacos cure all.

Chickenlady06

Oh, the nightmares have set in, last night was a tough night of sleep. So I laid in bed a bit longer than I wanted trying to shake the feelings of anxiety and sadness. Decided to have a huge salad for breakfast, starting the day off with fresh veg just seems right today. Plus the aforementioned tacos in previous post for lunch.
Onward to day 4!

Chickenlady06

Hi my name is chickenlady and on day 4, I ATE EVERYTHING.
Seriously, I haven't even felt full at all either. It's better than booze though, so it's still a win. Oh and cub scouts got cancelled, so my tuesday night drinking trigger was easily avoided. Now, the boy actually made the choice to read in his room, the baby went to bed early because she's teething, and the man is out at the hoa meeting. So I get solo TV time. A rough Tuesday actually turned out to be pretty great and ending on a relaxing note.

Now, I am definitely going to need to get a handle on this appetite thing. My plan tomorrow is to leave cash at home and prep food and only eat every few hours instead of every hour on the hour. I totally eat my feelings when I don't have booze to do the job. I just still have to actually feel my feelings.
Last round I was here I shared about my binge eating, and I still think the two share a lot of the same attributes. I do remember that last round after the first week or so both feelings of needing to binge eat or drink began to cease. I'm about to go look over those posts and remind myself what worked and what didn't.

Chickenlady06

I reread my posts last night, and I'm just not feeling that excitement and positivity right now. I'm exhausted and working extra hard to be positive, doing everything I can, mantras and meditation to talk me off the ledge. I want to be that chickenlady though, excited to feel good and feeling great about my decision.
The thing is, this time I don't want to go day by day, I just want to be like, "I don't drink"- and then hurrah! I'm recovered!!😂
So I'm telling myself everyday that, I don't drink. Then I'm left with all the feelings normal people feel, and I'm not struggling because I'm an alcoholic and my problems are special...I'm actually just a person. Somehow that is scary to me. It's me and how I'm dealing with everyday life and stress and then I'm the problem, and booze has nothing to do with it. I have to be my own solution to my issues, and that is ridiculously scary. 😱
Welp, it is Halloween season after all, so let me face all these big scary feelings head on. 🐲

entropy1964

Congrats on 5 days. Its very normal to be quite up and down this early on. I'm only 56 days so I relate....we're just newborns! Give your self a break. It helps me to stay present in the moment, not future trip or obsess on results. When I don't feel 'right' or start getting ahead of myself I try to really be grateful for this moment sober, pray for someone in need and try to be grateful for what I have. Do you have any kind of F2F support?

Chickenlady06

Thank you frika, I've had a lot of stop and breathe moments today, livingin the moment and working hard to be positive is a tough job! I'm still working my happy and grateful mantra. Things could be worse, so I'm happy in my decisions and grateful for all that I have. Many of my friends are disorderd drinkers, so I think I need to make a few new buddies. Lol. That's just how it works.

Ironhorse1

It's so good to see you back Chickenlady. I joined about the same time as you started your thread, and I read it daily along with a couple other threads started around that time.

Unfortunately I never really got any real sober time under my belt during your initial days posting, and my drinking actually got a lot worse over the past 2 months.

Seeing your return to SR has given me refreshed hope that I can make the necessary changes to get back on track.

So thank you for posting!

Chickenlady06

Ironhorse! You can always come back from it and put in the hard work. I know the feeling, my one beer at the beach turned into months of binging 2-3 times a week. I was numb again, then last week after a rough binge, I woke up. Drinking just isn't right for me and I'm not the person I know I am while drinking. Booze does not define us, we can always make the change. Give a shout if you need anything, I'm working day 5, and I plan to be here for the long haul. 😃

Chickenlady06

Day 5 was a major success. I started the morning and my day all negative nancy and tried to keep breathing through it and saying my mantra. Aaaaannnnd...then I snapped like a twig, I very nearly just got up and left. I daydreamed about driving far far away and never coming back, all while crying on the toilet in the bathroom. Then I gathered myself and got back to work, and totally killed the rest of my day. Like a boss. I'm definitely not the boss though. 😑
Then I was also a bad ass at the gym, i worked 12 reps of clean and jerk at 110# then smashed the workout. I'm feeling really good about myself.
Now for tea time and bed time. 🍵😴

Chickenlady06

Good morning all! Trying to rise and shine over here. The girl was up super late last night cutting two teeth way in the back, coupled with tummy issues. All she wanted was me to lay next to her, so we cuddled up on the twin bed for the night. My entire body hurts and I have a stiff neck, but it was all so worth it. I'm hating to say this, but I've had moments where I'd just turn off the monitor and go back to sleep. Drinking made me miss all the good parts of being mommy, I'd be rushing to get kids to bed so I could have drinking time to myself. Now, I'm trying to enjoy every moment, and that includes the not to enjoyable ones like last night. Everyone is happy and ready to go for the day. Let's have another successful day. I'm working, heading to the gym and then coming home to start prep work on the girl's bday party. I have 4 dozen cupcakes to make!

Ooona

Good morning! I read through your entire thread this morning. What a beautiful family life you have been blessed with! So many reasons to be sober. I love hearing about your little boy and baby girl, takes me back to my days of early motherhood. Now many years later, I sometimes wish I could go back to those days. I wasnt drinking or using drugs back then but having 3 boys under the age of 5 leaves most of that time a blur. It was all rush rush rush to meet all of their needs.....just wish I could sloooooow it all down so I could have enjoyed it more. I lost my oldest son almost 2 years ago, he passed away. My two other sons now have their own lives with wifes and jobs and other activities.
Yes cherish these times my friend....its true that time sure does fly.

Now I want to give you a bit of feedback. You most definitely seem to have the motivation to be sober, the desire and willingness for recovery but seems your working plan may need a bit of tweaking. You brought up at one point concerns about your husbands drinking. Has their been a resolution around that or some communication with him about your concerns? Any boundaries set to help keep you save? That might be something to do this time around?
I know you love the gym and working out but that in and of itself isnt going to keep us sober. Neither will the kiddos or the job.
They say recovery is an inside job. We must be doing that internal " work" if we hope to stay off the poison. I think you mentioned a need to work on feelings or how you cope with them. I can relate. I used alcohol to check out/numb/relax etc, I get it. Be fore alcohol I used cigarettes, relationships, food, sex, my codependency. I had patterns of using anything and everything to cope with un pleasurable feelings. Could this be true of you as well?
Maybe you need to be building some sort of sober support in real life....maybe via AA or church or Smart Recovery or ___________________ ( fill in the blank).

Anyway, just some feedback to hopefully help you with becoming and remaining sober......joyous, happy and free!

I read the thread below this morning too. Tons of excellent advice for us!
Best wishes and be blessed!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...king-plan.html

Chickenlady06

Thank you oona, it does go by so quickly, and rushing faster each day. I will definitely read the thread. I'm finishing day 5 and I hope I need some tweaking! If I got it right the first time, I wouldn't be here. Lol. I am definitely working on the in real life contact, I have a couple of friends whohave worked NA for years and would be a great help. I think I'm working so hard on the lifestyle stuuf, because I want to create a life I don't want to feel numb to.

I was raised by addicts, they were always running from their lives, instead of making valuable changes that would make a difference. Part of changing is taking stock in my triggers and changing those things. So my gym, my habits, is so vital to my sobriety.

Chickenlady06

Okay, so I took the advice and went looking for plan ideas and I am writing a list of triggers and how to avert them.
About my husband's habits, I will never ask him to do something he clearly does not want to. He is mindful, only buys enough for himself and never asks me to grab him anything. His drinking has never been the reason I have ever picked back up. I'm taking responsibility for all of my own actions. He's successful, a great father, and we are happy, his drinking has not gotten in the way of all that, but mone certainly have.
I'm brainstorming about irl people to talk to, but I don't have tons of friends so I have like two people on my list.
There's so much to consider and the plan will change as time goes on.
Today, I've been successful, hubs did bring booze in the house and I had an iced la croix and now heating up my tea. I had a killer workout and ate really well today, all in all I'm a happy camper. 🌻🤗😎❤

Ooona

I like what you said, "the plan will change as time goes on". This is very true as I have been sober I find my needs are changing. I think in some ways our drinking sort of stunts our emotional growth and makes it hard to even get a handle on what we need in terms of having a happy, satisfied life. As we get sober and start to grow we figure out what our needs are and learn how to ask for those things.

I dont think our circle of support has to be huge or even big. Even if we have a couple people that have what we want and are willing to help us get there, thats perfect! I have a small tribe of women that have taken me under their wing. Im gravitating towards women because I feel they will understand me best and also call me on my ******** when I need it. Im enjoying that since I havent had close female friendships/mentoring opportunities in my life.

I cant wait to see you grow! We are miracles, each and every one of us.

Chickenlady06

Thank you again oona. I'm learning new things every day and working to change as my knowledge grows.
Friday is a rough day for many, and I'm no different. I have big plans for tonight that drinking would just ruin. I have to bake 4 dozen cupcakes for my daughter's first birthday, prep a veggie platter and get up early to decorate tomorrow. Plus laundry, dishes and I was hoping to squeeze in a movie with the kid if anything good is out to rent.
My hubs is having his buddies over to play their dorky warhammer game, so they'll be in the garage. Sounds good to me.
But first, as always, the gym. Fridays are always a tough workout, we call them F-U-Fridays, so I'll be drenched in sweat as I roll through the grocery store. Lol. I'll check in later. Today has been a total whirlwind of crazy busy and won't be stopping anytime soon.