Wow, these poems are beautiful....I love poetry. I write it myself. Well, I used to write more in the past.
I drank last night. And now I have a better idea about things. About myself. And some things that were holding me back. And things like "it's just not fair that other people can drink and I can't" (I mean, the "normal" people who have one or two and then stop). I guess I still had a lot of jealousy and anger towards them.... and I am upset that I can't have a glass or two of wine and watch netflix. There is a moment where it does feel nice - I can relax, drink one or two glasses and feel comfy and warm and relaxed. BUT, I cannot have that brief moment without it turning monstrous. I definitely know that now. It always ends in disaster.
I don't WANT to drink. I know the hell it causes. I guess before I was still in a bit of denial. And I was in denial about being in denial....I know that it will still be almost unbearable to go through future cravings. And I also have those scared thoughts, like, well sometime in the future, even in 20 years, maybe (like someone else said) my addiction will find the right combination of things, where enough of my defenses are down, and it will HIT, and then BAM a relapse!!! That's what I'm really, really afraid of.... I don't WANT to have to live my entire life on guard, from some scary monster.
But, the alternative is to give in to it, and have a a miserable life. Life is not perfect - there is good and bad for everyone. And I guess one of my "bad's" is the having to manage this addiction. But there are much worse things out there. And yes, I have to manage other mental illness too. But I am NOT the only one to have to manage all of these things!!
I guess I've been feeling like it's just not fair. Like, because I feel it's not fair, I feel rebellious, I feel like DAMMIT, I'm gonna drink just a little to prove you wrong!! I'm going to MAKE it possible to drink normally!! And I guess I have some rage about it being so not fair... and having to deal with other life stuff.
But I have to suck it up and deal with it. This is my life. This is what I have to deal with. And I think I will find that if I don't drink, there is plenty to be happy about. Does it suck that I'll always have to deal with addiction? Yes. But other people have things that they have to deal with - things that are very, very unfair. So I'm not the only one. I just have to grow up.
I'm sure that there are other feelings/thought patterns that I will uncover, too. I want to uncover them. Because I think they are playing a part in sabotaging me. I'm going to have to explain to my therapist how bad my drinking has gotten lately (I hadn't been honest about this latest relapse - playing out as just a few nights a week, or one binge one week....because I didn't want our therapy to be all about drinking...but I guess I have to tell her this so that if we do EMDR ....I don't know....a lot more stuff is bound to come up, so... well I guess she will use her discretion on which path we should take next)
BLAH I'm done. I'm so sorry I'm a little self absorbed right now because I haven't really responded to other people here in the thread..... my mind is all over the place. And this morning I had to do damage control, and also see how much alcohol I drank from the cabinet. I'm not happy. I might have to survive the rest of this beloved month on like 8 dollars (I also ordered a pizza last night, which was 20 bucks omg wtf - just a tiny gluten free one - but this is including delivery and such)
ANYWAY. These are the consequences, huh?
And tomorrow is the anniversary of when I gave up wheat - and honestly that was HARD - it messes with the opioid receptors in my brain and was incredibly difficult to stop - harder than the last time I quit alcohol!! So anyway. I guess it's fitting that today is my first day. Just a day before. Also, it's a new moon. This is perfect timing.
Oh, and maybe I should treat giving up alcohol in the same way I treated giving up wheat; I have in my mind the date (and the exact time, actually!!) but that's it. Actually, I just had to do a calculation now to figure out it was 3 years. Aside from that, I didn't count days - that didn't make sense! I quit - what more was there to say about it?!?!?
So.......now I'm off to get ready for my family thing. Eeeeeh I feel so puffy and fat and unhealthy looking. I hope they don't really notice. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
