Time to accept some help.
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Originally Posted by Hevyn 
Noexcuse I'm glad you made it through. I wish I'd kept a diary of all that I felt during the first few days of withdrawal. I kept telling myself I'd always remember, but it tends to dim with time. Hoping you get some decent sleep tonight. 
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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Originally Posted by noexcuse
I stated reading through some of that link earlier today, Dee. I think it's going to be a great resource. So far, my plan is outpatient starting next week, I'm going to try a Celebrate Recovery group, I'm going to post here daily, I'm busting out a mindful meditations DVD that I just purchased, and I'm hitting an AA breakfast on Sunday. Right now, that's about as far into the future as I can think, although I did also get the number for a crises line that I can call 24 hours a day, and for a change, I'm not afraid to use it. ANYTHING to not drink, even if some people wouldn't call that a crises. It would be for me. I go to another support group on Wednesdays, and I bring my kids to their own group at the same time. They talked about me drinking this week during group and the counselor pulled me aside after the regular groups to talk to me about it, because she needed to determine if it warranted being reported. My dream could have literally come to fruition. I was hysterical. I couldn't talk to my kids, I felt like I was dying. She's not calling, thank God. But that was enough, if I didn't feel emphatically about it before. My worst nightmare was staring me in the face, all because of my actions.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
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Thank you, ZaB - that's exactly what I did, dodge a bullet. That does scare me a bit, because I know that some people have to get hit to get this, and I don't want to be one of those people. It could have really happened, and I didn't think that through. I have never felt fear like the fear I felt last night.
I went to court this morning on my husband's behalf to tell the judge that I am OK with him returning to our house. So he's coming home today for the first time in over a month. He has been sober since 3/23/15 - his drinking was indirectly involved with him being arrested. That was his last straw. We went out for coffee after court, and I told him, for the first time ever, that if he drinks again, I'm out. I know that seems hypocritical, considering I drank much more recently than that, but, as I said to him, this week scared the sh*t out of me and my sobriety is more important to me than he is to me. I know that there is no way I will stay sober if he is not, and with such a tenuous hold that I have on things right now, I can't risk it. We don't know whether or not we'll be able to stay together regardless if we're sober, but we certainly won't if we're not, and we'll definitely lose everything else in the process.
I went to court this morning on my husband's behalf to tell the judge that I am OK with him returning to our house. So he's coming home today for the first time in over a month. He has been sober since 3/23/15 - his drinking was indirectly involved with him being arrested. That was his last straw. We went out for coffee after court, and I told him, for the first time ever, that if he drinks again, I'm out. I know that seems hypocritical, considering I drank much more recently than that, but, as I said to him, this week scared the sh*t out of me and my sobriety is more important to me than he is to me. I know that there is no way I will stay sober if he is not, and with such a tenuous hold that I have on things right now, I can't risk it. We don't know whether or not we'll be able to stay together regardless if we're sober, but we certainly won't if we're not, and we'll definitely lose everything else in the process.
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I'm feeling pretty positive today! My husband is home, I got a decent night of sleep, I've cleaned out a ton of paperwork at home and at work (sooo liberating), I'm looking forward to sitting down to dinner with my family for the first time in over a month, I'm going to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight, and I have plans to visit my aunt while the kids are playing with their friends on Sunday afternoon - something I would never have scheduled before now because I would be hungover or too far gone to be able to drive on a Sunday afternoon!
I am a little overwhelmed by the amount of work that I really need to get done at my house. I've let things go for too long, and I feel like I don't know where to start. But I told my son I'm doing his room this weekend, so I guess THAT'S where I'll start. I'm going to go through things, get it organized, get rid of some stuff, and clean his carpets. And so on and so forth until the house is tip top. It's a bit overwhelming taking it in as the whole picture, but I bet it ends up being easier once I start.
I'm going to play in the dirt tomorrow for at least part of the day. I've never been too good with plants (read: I can't keep them alive) but I'm going to give it another shot. It's not like I've got that much to worry myself over, just some scattered pots throughout my patio. But I enjoy sitting back there among the flowers when it's all done.
I can't remember looking this forward to a weekend in a long time. Usually, by this time on a Friday, all of my feelings of excitement were directed towards the countdown to picking up a bottle. And I was excited. I did look forward to it. But I didn't look forward to the rest of the weekend because I knew I wouldn't be present. I would occasionally think of things to fill the day during Saturday so that I could attempt to not start drinking until the evening, but I resented it. I resented having to be responsible; I resented the kids and their activities; I resented my parents and their visits; I resented church for starting so early. Mostly I resented myself for not being able to think about anything besides getting off of work and going to the store.
I am a little overwhelmed by the amount of work that I really need to get done at my house. I've let things go for too long, and I feel like I don't know where to start. But I told my son I'm doing his room this weekend, so I guess THAT'S where I'll start. I'm going to go through things, get it organized, get rid of some stuff, and clean his carpets. And so on and so forth until the house is tip top. It's a bit overwhelming taking it in as the whole picture, but I bet it ends up being easier once I start.
I'm going to play in the dirt tomorrow for at least part of the day. I've never been too good with plants (read: I can't keep them alive) but I'm going to give it another shot. It's not like I've got that much to worry myself over, just some scattered pots throughout my patio. But I enjoy sitting back there among the flowers when it's all done.
I can't remember looking this forward to a weekend in a long time. Usually, by this time on a Friday, all of my feelings of excitement were directed towards the countdown to picking up a bottle. And I was excited. I did look forward to it. But I didn't look forward to the rest of the weekend because I knew I wouldn't be present. I would occasionally think of things to fill the day during Saturday so that I could attempt to not start drinking until the evening, but I resented it. I resented having to be responsible; I resented the kids and their activities; I resented my parents and their visits; I resented church for starting so early. Mostly I resented myself for not being able to think about anything besides getting off of work and going to the store.
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Originally Posted by noexcuse
Usually, by this time on a Friday, all of my feelings of excitement were directed towards the countdown to picking up a bottle. And I was excited. I did look forward to it. But I didn't look forward to the rest of the weekend because I knew I wouldn't be present. I would occasionally think of things to fill the day during Saturday so that I could attempt to not start drinking until the evening, but I resented it. I resented having to be responsible; I resented the kids and their activities; I resented my parents and their visits; I resented church for starting so early. Mostly I resented myself for not being able to think about anything besides getting off of work and going to the store.
Trying to fill time until I could drink. Resenting the fact that I had to take care of everything, resenting other people because they didn't have the problems I had, the responsibilities I had, the pain and sadness I had. I started hating being social and just wanted everyone, including my children, to just leave me alone.
I have been where you are, I know those feelings.
I am glad to see you are going to do some gardening. I could never make anything grow either but in sobriety I have come to love it. I plant vegetables in containers and I have plants all over my house. I enjoy them so much and I think you will too!
It also took me time to get the house together. It was like I didn't notice anything when I drank. I let a lot of stuff go but I am getting it together slowly and the nicer weather makes me feel better.
Just remember to rest. Feeling tired was one of my triggers. When I get tired I get sad or angry and that made me want to escape.
Remember HALT, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. One of these are not so bad but mix in two and or more and I wanted to escape from life again. Make sure you get rest. If you are tired then get some sleep or take a break for an hour. Even if you just watch TV or read it can help release the tension.
If you start to feel these feelings, HALT and take care of them, don't ignore them or keep pushing yourself.
Take it easy and take it one day at a time. Everything is going to be okay
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Going to bed tired and sober for the fifth time in a row. On a Saturday, no less. And almost all of those daunting projects? Turns out you can do most of them and still have time for a picnic at the park with the kids. I'm the last one awake. Everything is quiet (well, except my snoring dog.....I think she needs one of those apnea machines) and I am just reveling in the comfort of my bed with the windows open. If I could keep my eyes open for one second longer, I would, but it's time for this sober girl to call it a night. Thanks, all my SR friends.
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I have just read through your thread and I can relate to a lot of what you are going though. I am also a mother who is an alcoholic so I get it.
I am a few weeks away from my son entering counselling for issues..... I'd like to blame it all on his dad, who I am divorced from due to abuse and who drinks himself, but I'm sure my son will have some things to say about me too. It might be me to get pulled aside to talk about my drinking.
I don't have any advice to give just that I know where you're coming from.
I am a few weeks away from my son entering counselling for issues..... I'd like to blame it all on his dad, who I am divorced from due to abuse and who drinks himself, but I'm sure my son will have some things to say about me too. It might be me to get pulled aside to talk about my drinking.
I don't have any advice to give just that I know where you're coming from.
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I'm mad at myself for not posting on my own thread yesterday - I start reading through the threads that I've been associating with, and by the time I'm done catching up, I barely have time to post myself!
Yesterday, I woke up early, got the kids up, showered, and we all headed to an open AA breakfast meeting. It was spectacular. The speakers were amazing. One of them, who I have known for awhile, brought tears to my eyes. I never knew his story, and it was powerful. At the end, he mumbled something about having a hard time keeping it short, and I wanted to tell him I could have listened to him all morning.
The rest of the day was spent running the kids around. Usually, any time the kids want to play with their friends, they invite their friends to our house. That gets me off the hook from driving, freeing up my day for drinking. Needless to say, some of the friends have never come back to our house after reporting back to their parents. I'm happy to say that I was the one out and driving and getting everyone safely to where they needed to be. I even went shopping and cooked some Greek chicken for dinner before my husband got home. It was wonderful.....but after accomplishing so much, last night, I got my first bad craving. No worries, I looked at it for what it was, played the tape all the way through, and didn't act on anything. But it does show me that I have to find another 'reward' after working hard and being responsible other than turning to the bottle. Perhaps it's time to look into a new no-kids-allowed show on Netflix to get into. If only Orange is the New Black would start sooner...
So here I am on the other side of my first sober weekend. I feel good. I'm still having drinking dreams every night, but the beginning detox BS is behind me. I'm at work on a Monday with a clear head and plan to get a lot accomplished this morning. (If they knew how little I normally did on Mondays before, they probably would have told me not to bother to come in.)
In other news, we have officially scheduled a vacation to Florida for September! We were supposed to go over spring break, but that's when my husband and my drinking and fighting came to a head and the trip had to be cancelled. Disney World and all. I know it's too early to say we are on track, but we can only push it so far out before we lose our $. So September it is. We should both have some sober time under our belts by then and besides, this trip is really for our kids, not us. They deserve some happiness after the ugliness us parents have put them through.
Here's to another sober week, SR. Happy to be sharing this with you.
Yesterday, I woke up early, got the kids up, showered, and we all headed to an open AA breakfast meeting. It was spectacular. The speakers were amazing. One of them, who I have known for awhile, brought tears to my eyes. I never knew his story, and it was powerful. At the end, he mumbled something about having a hard time keeping it short, and I wanted to tell him I could have listened to him all morning.
The rest of the day was spent running the kids around. Usually, any time the kids want to play with their friends, they invite their friends to our house. That gets me off the hook from driving, freeing up my day for drinking. Needless to say, some of the friends have never come back to our house after reporting back to their parents. I'm happy to say that I was the one out and driving and getting everyone safely to where they needed to be. I even went shopping and cooked some Greek chicken for dinner before my husband got home. It was wonderful.....but after accomplishing so much, last night, I got my first bad craving. No worries, I looked at it for what it was, played the tape all the way through, and didn't act on anything. But it does show me that I have to find another 'reward' after working hard and being responsible other than turning to the bottle. Perhaps it's time to look into a new no-kids-allowed show on Netflix to get into. If only Orange is the New Black would start sooner...
So here I am on the other side of my first sober weekend. I feel good. I'm still having drinking dreams every night, but the beginning detox BS is behind me. I'm at work on a Monday with a clear head and plan to get a lot accomplished this morning. (If they knew how little I normally did on Mondays before, they probably would have told me not to bother to come in.)
In other news, we have officially scheduled a vacation to Florida for September! We were supposed to go over spring break, but that's when my husband and my drinking and fighting came to a head and the trip had to be cancelled. Disney World and all. I know it's too early to say we are on track, but we can only push it so far out before we lose our $. So September it is. We should both have some sober time under our belts by then and besides, this trip is really for our kids, not us. They deserve some happiness after the ugliness us parents have put them through.
Here's to another sober week, SR. Happy to be sharing this with you.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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Originally Posted by noexcuse
Disney World
Sorry, didn't mean to get all excited like that. But Disney World!! (or in my case Disneyland!)
Before I crawled completely into the bottle a couple of years ago, I'd go to Disneyland annually. Got there early, waiting to get in. And the Disneyland folks would announce, "No running!" But of course I ran, defying authority, and beating all the little kids to my first ride.
But . . . I should have realized I was on the highway to Rock Bottom when I started sneaking in vodka in water bottles. I needed booze at the "happiest place on Earth"? Sheesh!
But with the help of the SR community I hope soon to visit Disneyland again, sober. I look forward to once again acting like a kid in a candy store.
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Originally Posted by FrankLapidas
But . . . I should have realized I was on the highway to Rock Bottom when I started sneaking in vodka in water bottles. I needed booze at the "happiest place on Earth"?
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It's amazing to me how trips to the emergency room seem so normal after a while. I have a few under my belt. Anxiety attacks due to withdrawal. Cut myself while drunkenly cooking. I don't miss those days.
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Yeppo. Vodka in water bottles.
I took my boys to a water park once and put a red X on the lids with vodka in it. They knew what was in them :/.
For weeks afterwards when I would have my boys, one would ask..."does this have water in it?" Come to find out, he had drank from one of the vodka bottles at the park and didn't want to experience that taste again.
I took my boys to a water park once and put a red X on the lids with vodka in it. They knew what was in them :/.
For weeks afterwards when I would have my boys, one would ask..."does this have water in it?" Come to find out, he had drank from one of the vodka bottles at the park and didn't want to experience that taste again.
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