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Old 05-04-2015, 06:59 PM
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Omg, incontrol, my kids learned to smell my drinks before they would drink them! Or they would flat-out ask me if it was something they could have. Sadly, most of the time, the answer was no. I think it's ironic that you used a red x to mark yours-that's about as close as I can picture to a skull and crossbones, which is pretty much what I think of vodka right about now.
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Old 05-04-2015, 07:25 PM
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Sorry.
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Old 05-04-2015, 07:43 PM
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Hang in there noexcuse. It sounds like you are doing really well! Keep it up!
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Old 05-05-2015, 10:22 AM
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I had a meeting at work today first thing in the morning. I can honestly say that I felt like a rock star. The only person who knew what was going on better than me was the consultant that was specifically hired to address the issue. I stepped up, stepped in, walked out of the meeting and followed up.... I can't remember the last time that I felt this indispensable at my job. Not a chance I would have been able to do that this time last week.

Speaking of which....I have a week!

I completed my paperwork for outpatient yesterday and I start tonight. I. Can't. Wait. I have never looked forward to treatment before, so this is a totally new feeling for me. I would have started last night if my daughter didn't have her last cheer practice, to be honest. Some of it may be purely selfish (2 whole hours to myself!) but the bigger part is definitely because I want to take as much as I can out of this and fly!!!! I ordered the Rational Recovery book yesterday, too, so that should be here tomorrow. I will take any and every tool that I can to be successful in this journey.

It rained a couple of nights ago. When I went into my daughter's room to wake her up, she was already awake, snuggled in a big blanket and staring out the window. She gets up early to watch the rain, her window slightly open so she can smell the fresh, damp air. She lives in every moment. I hope when I grow up I am just like her.
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Old 05-05-2015, 12:43 PM
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Noexcuse, what an awesome post and your description of your daughter almost put tears in my eyes. How sweet.

Well done on one week! Good luck at outpatient tonight, I think you'll find being with other like minded people to be helpful. Yay for you!
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Old 05-05-2015, 03:26 PM
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One week - wonderful news, ne. Be proud.
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Old 05-06-2015, 07:08 AM
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Well, outpatient was as I remembered. Lots of people that seemed to not want to be there, or at least didn't think they needed to be there. Some justifying and blaming other people...it gave me some good insight as to how my thinking was messed up in the past. I think I am finally at the point where I am taking responsibility for my actions. I've been hurting/scaring/depending on others through 17 years of alcoholic drinking. No wonder everyone is wary. It's going to take a long time to repair all of this. I'm just happy that I'm finally moving in the right direction.
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Old 05-06-2015, 07:21 AM
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Originally Posted by noexcuse View Post
Well, outpatient was as I remembered. Lots of people that seemed to not want to be there, or at least didn't think they needed to be there. Some justifying and blaming other people...it gave me some good insight as to how my thinking was messed up in the past. I think I am finally at the point where I am taking responsibility for my actions. I've been hurting/scaring/depending on others through 17 years of alcoholic drinking. No wonder everyone is wary. It's going to take a long time to repair all of this. I'm just happy that I'm finally moving in the right direction.
Sounds like you made some very positive steps. Alcoholism really blinds us to how self-centered and isolated we become, and sometimes it takes being around others who are the same way to see it.
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Old 05-06-2015, 10:45 AM
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I'm going to tackle my other addiction, too....food. Just signed up for Weight Watchers. I had huge success on this program years ago, so I know I'm fully capable of doing it again. I've often found that feeling self-conscious about my weight has led me astray in recovery efforts because I drink to fit in. Since it's a huge trigger (no pun intended), I know this will only benefit my sobriety, not to mention my health.
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Old 05-07-2015, 07:18 AM
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Yesterday was rough after work. I have case workers in and out of my house because of Children Services, confirming that I am, in fact, caring for my kids. The original case worker that I had got another job, so her supervisor was the one that came last night along with another girl that is in training. During our discussion, the supervisor also indicated that she might hand our case over to yet another person if she decides not to take it on herself. So I had to repeat the whole story/situation/problems all over again, and once again, I felt like they are putting all the blame on me. (Back in March, my husband and I were both drinking, and, after the kids were in bed, the two of us got into an argument and he hit me a few times. I called the police; the police called Children Services. My husband was arrested, and, since then, I have had weekly visits from Children Services. I was also ordered to court supervision, I was ordered into a substance abuse program, and I was ordered to go to victims' counseling. My husband was also ordered to court supervision and substance abuse counseling, but he has not gotten any visits from Children Services and they didn't order him to go into domestic violence counseling until last week. I'm not saying I want him to have to do more or that I should do less, but with every visit, I feel more and more like I am being attacked because I was stupid enough to call the police for being hit. After this experience, it's not a mistake I will EVER make again.)

So although nothing changed yesterday from the day before, I felt small and hopeless and cornered once again, and spent the majority of the evening near or in tears. I had my victims' counseling group last night, and if anyone said anything with even the slightest bit of emotion in their voice, BOOM, waterworks. I couldn't talk to my husband or kids last night and just wanted to be alone.

One thing I can honestly say is I didn't want to drink. I actually stepped back, mentally, and thought, "Am I craving right now?" because I genuinely wanted to really think about how I was feeling, AV-wise. I wasn't. No craving. The way I felt last night would have been enough to send me on a binge, and all I wanted to do was get in a good cry and go to bed. And because of that, I can also honestly say that I think that's what I needed and I feel much better today. I will probably still get 'beat up' and admonished by these people for a bit longer. They will continue to show up at the house and I will continue to feel like a crappy mom when they start to dig in. BUT....I'm not a crappy mom and the only way that those feelings would be justified would be if I let these outside factors drive me to drink again. And right now, I'm OK. It's not going to happen.
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Old 05-07-2015, 07:25 AM
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Stay strong Noexcuse. I know it's tough! Keep using this as a motivating factor to stay sober. Don't go back to the past, all you can do from here is move forward. Make your decisions for today, not based on yesterday's actions.

Every day you stay sober, you are becoming a better person, a better mom. Everyone else will benefit from your effort in this, especially you and your kids.

Good for you, lean on us as much as possible. We are here for you.
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Old 05-07-2015, 07:39 AM
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Thanks, Cam. If there are any people out there that understand the magnitude of the progress I've made, it's people here on SR. These outsider's may judge me on my past, but I know that I am so much better than I was.
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Old 05-07-2015, 08:26 AM
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Just wanted to say sorry to hear about your current situation. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job handling it. Awesome. What you are doing and your attitude will change this current situation into a part of the past, you are doing that, awesome.
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Old 05-07-2015, 02:59 PM
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I don't think it was stupid to call the police after you were hit at all.

I'm sorry it's rough right now but try and remember CS is there looking after the welfare of your kids. That's a good thing.

Stay sober, work on your recovery, and soon enough CS will see the real you and eventually, they'll hand back full control to you.

D
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Old 05-07-2015, 03:35 PM
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Well good job for getting through all that sober! Sounds like an awful lot to handle to me.

Even if in you're heart you know you're better, and so do all of us, it's still hard when you're judged by someone on the outside. Especially when you're trying to hard to keep it all together, that's the last thing you need!

I know it doesn't seem that way at the moment but it's definitely a good thing you called the cops. They may be looking closely at you right now, and it may never come up again, but a paper trail can be an incredible thing in these situations..

Like Dee said, they'll be gone soon enough and you'll have one less thing to worry about!
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Old 05-08-2015, 07:30 AM
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I'm soooooo tired today. My son is off of school and my daughter only has a half-day, and it would have been so easy to just stay home with them instead of coming in to work. But I had made arrangements with my dad to come over and he's installing a backsplash in my kitchen, so it's going to be a good trade-off when I go home to what will look like a totally different house. I AM SO EXCITED!!! I was getting everything ready for him last night, clearing the counters and wiping down the walls, and the only thing I left out was the coffee maker. Well, I went to add water to it this morning, and as I was putting the reservoir back on, I realized there was an empty pint bottle hidden behind the coffee maker. It was my husband's from his last drunk back in March (obviously I need to clean the counters more often). I'm glad I found it instead of my dad, but it repulsed me that we may have these bottles laying around and not even know where they are. I, for one, hid bottles in cabinets, drawers, under sinks, in pockets, in the couch, in my car, in the garage, and probably other places that I don't even recall. I'm sure I'm bound to come across a lost one sooner or later. I just pray that when that happens, it's already empty or I'm able to run and dump quickly. I haven't had any cravings, really, but I don't know how I would react if it was right there in my hand. Hopefully I won't have to find out.

Day 11.
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Old 05-08-2015, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by noexcuse View Post
... I feel more and more like I am being attacked because I was stupid enough to call the police for being hit.....
NoExcuse, I am so proud of you. You are not a victim, you are are a victor! Don't ever forget it. By calling the police, you got the ball rolling in the right direction, don't beat yourself up for it, it was not a stupid thing to do.

Make a list of Positive Affirmations:
I am a competent, intelligent, woman. The past is gone forever. No longer will I be victimized by the past, I am a new person.
I read these and others on a post somewhere her in SR, the best place to be!
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Old 05-08-2015, 02:56 PM
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have a good sober weekend Noexcuse

D
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Old 05-08-2015, 06:20 PM
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Originally Posted by noexcuse View Post
Yesterday was rough after work. I have case workers in and out of my house because of Children Services, confirming that I am, in fact, caring for my kids. The original case worker that I had got another job, so her supervisor was the one that came last night along with another girl that is in training. During our discussion, the supervisor also indicated that she might hand our case over to yet another person if she decides not to take it on herself. So I had to repeat the whole story/situation/problems all over again, and once again, I felt like they are putting all the blame on me. (Back in March, my husband and I were both drinking, and, after the kids were in bed, the two of us got into an argument and he hit me a few times. I called the police; the police called Children Services. My husband was arrested, and, since then, I have had weekly visits from Children Services. I was also ordered to court supervision, I was ordered into a substance abuse program, and I was ordered to go to victims' counseling. My husband was also ordered to court supervision and substance abuse counseling, but he has not gotten any visits from Children Services and they didn't order him to go into domestic violence counseling until last week. I'm not saying I want him to have to do more or that I should do less, but with every visit, I feel more and more like I am being attacked because I was stupid enough to call the police for being hit. After this experience, it's not a mistake I will EVER make again.)

So although nothing changed yesterday from the day before, I felt small and hopeless and cornered once again, and spent the majority of the evening near or in tears. I had my victims' counseling group last night, and if anyone said anything with even the slightest bit of emotion in their voice, BOOM, waterworks. I couldn't talk to my husband or kids last night and just wanted to be alone.

One thing I can honestly say is I didn't want to drink. I actually stepped back, mentally, and thought, "Am I craving right now?" because I genuinely wanted to really think about how I was feeling, AV-wise. I wasn't. No craving. The way I felt last night would have been enough to send me on a binge, and all I wanted to do was get in a good cry and go to bed. And because of that, I can also honestly say that I think that's what I needed and I feel much better today. I will probably still get 'beat up' and admonished by these people for a bit longer. They will continue to show up at the house and I will continue to feel like a crappy mom when they start to dig in. BUT....I'm not a crappy mom and the only way that those feelings would be justified would be if I let these outside factors drive me to drink again. And right now, I'm OK. It's not going to happen.
Hey I'm sorry that you have Children's Aid on your back..... I had them on my back too years ago over a similar situation but I got my husband out the door over him hitting me.

Alcohol is not an excuse. He has no right to hit you! If Children's Aid is in your home it is because of his actions. Not yours. Full Stop.
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Old 05-08-2015, 06:28 PM
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I felt the same way .... like I was getting persecuted for and analyzed for calling the authorities. I got them out by telling them they weren't welcome. I only spoke to them in my backyard and told them they couldn't talk to my children at all. They talked to my boys briefly with my present in the end and they inspected my home. I simply told them no. If they had pushed it I was prepared to get a lawyer.... you have rights. They can't just push their way in.
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