Originally Posted by
noexcuse 
Usually, by this time on a Friday, all of my feelings of excitement were directed towards the countdown to picking up a bottle. And I was excited. I did look forward to it. But I didn't look forward to the rest of the weekend because I knew I wouldn't be present. I would occasionally think of things to fill the day during Saturday so that I could attempt to not start drinking until the evening, but I resented it. I resented having to be responsible; I resented the kids and their activities; I resented my parents and their visits; I resented church for starting so early. Mostly I resented myself for not being able to think about anything besides getting off of work and going to the store.
This reminds me of me. This was exactly how I used to feel.
Trying to fill time until I could drink. Resenting the fact that I had to take care of everything, resenting other people because they didn't have the problems I had, the responsibilities I had, the pain and sadness I had. I started hating being social and just wanted everyone, including my children, to just leave me alone.
I have been where you are, I know those feelings.
I am glad to see you are going to do some gardening. I could never make anything grow either but in sobriety I have come to love it. I plant vegetables in containers and I have plants all over my house. I enjoy them so much and I think you will too!
It also took me time to get the house together. It was like I didn't notice anything when I drank. I let a lot of stuff go but I am getting it together slowly and the nicer weather makes me feel better.
Just remember to rest. Feeling tired was one of my triggers. When I get tired I get sad or angry and that made me want to escape.
Remember HALT,
Hungry,
Angry,
Lonely,
Tired. One of these are not so bad but mix in two and or more and I wanted to escape from life again. Make sure you get rest. If you are tired then get some sleep or take a break for an hour. Even if you just watch TV or read it can help release the tension.
If you start to feel these feelings, HALT and take care of them, don't ignore them or keep pushing yourself.
Take it easy and take it one day at a time. Everything is going to be okay
