I'm not accepted anywhere
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 51
Greetings, C. Just wanted to extend a hello to you. I am a 29 year old woman and struggle as you do, so I understand where you are coming from. I chose sobriety after a night of black out drinking that turned me into a monster. I am still cringing at that and some of my past behaviors. The truth is that alcohol has the ability to make us into people we are not. Please do not let your alcohol driven actions define you. I understand that you struggle with distinguishing the real you from your drunk alter ego, but there is a difference. Most of us are here because we have had horrible things happen, mostly by our own hands and initiated by too much drink.
You may tell your story or you may just express your feelings. Regardless, we are here for you.
God Bless.
You may tell your story or you may just express your feelings. Regardless, we are here for you.
God Bless.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
Welcome Calypso. I'm an old gal and still believe in the more traditional ways. When I first came to AA I was told by the old-timers to keep deeply personal info or info I wouldn't put in the newspaper away from the tables. That that type of info was best shared with a sponsor or close, trusted, AA friend. I agree with it even more so in a public forum on the internet.. not meaning the literal meaning of public as from a search engine but, to say, you just don't know the hundreds here and, thus, who is reading. Find someone whose posts appeal to you and either share with them in PM or email or ask them who they might recommend. This is also advice we give in those hearing a 5th Step... one trusted individual. You may think, right now, that you want to unload what feels shameful to you but once its been posted, its there forever unless you get a mod to delete it later. At best, slow down and think it through. Congratulations on coming here. You're in the right place. 
PS: Please don't take people's reactions personally. Its not good for you. When people "squirm in their seats" so to speak it doesn't necessarily mean they're judging you. It just means they're human and certain things make everyone uncomfortable. That's a good thing in its humanity. Also, I didn't mean to imply that you need to be suspiscious of people here. It just makes good sense to keep things close to your vest until you get to know the ropes better.
PS: Please don't take people's reactions personally. Its not good for you. When people "squirm in their seats" so to speak it doesn't necessarily mean they're judging you. It just means they're human and certain things make everyone uncomfortable. That's a good thing in its humanity. Also, I didn't mean to imply that you need to be suspiscious of people here. It just makes good sense to keep things close to your vest until you get to know the ropes better.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by calypso17 
Thank you for your warm and open welcomes.
I came here because I do want to tell my story, but it's very painful, humiliating, horrible and repulsive for me that I feel that no one else can understand.
I shared at AA a few times. I was honored by looks of disgust, hate and anger, and then further lectured on how my actions will give me irreversible consequences.
Then I felt so low I relapsed even more.
I came here because I do want to tell my story, but it's very painful, humiliating, horrible and repulsive for me that I feel that no one else can understand.
I shared at AA a few times. I was honored by looks of disgust, hate and anger, and then further lectured on how my actions will give me irreversible consequences.
Then I felt so low I relapsed even more.
In any of the AA meetings I go to I have found them to be the most nonjudgmental group of people I have ever met. We all have been there done that. I can believe people talked to you about how your actions will have irreversible consequences because that is the truth even if it is a truth that hurts.
Tell your story and I can promise you there will not be judgment only understanding.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome!
Calypso, today is a new day. So you have made mistakes in your past. One thing I guarantee is that there are people here at SR who have done less, and done much much more. If it is freeing to you to share, that's fine. There will be NO judgement. That is not what SR is about. We are here to support each other, not judge each other. If you just want to jump aboard and get support from this day forward, that is totally ok too.
The thing you need to hear right now, is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We will walk this with you. While my issues are not with drinking, I still have issues. Who doesn't! SR has been am amazing place of great support that has gotten me through some of my darkest days.
Please don't feel scared to come here, we support you!!!!
Welcome to SR!!!!
Calypso, today is a new day. So you have made mistakes in your past. One thing I guarantee is that there are people here at SR who have done less, and done much much more. If it is freeing to you to share, that's fine. There will be NO judgement. That is not what SR is about. We are here to support each other, not judge each other. If you just want to jump aboard and get support from this day forward, that is totally ok too.
The thing you need to hear right now, is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We will walk this with you. While my issues are not with drinking, I still have issues. Who doesn't! SR has been am amazing place of great support that has gotten me through some of my darkest days.
Please don't feel scared to come here, we support you!!!!
Welcome to SR!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
I won't judge you for what you did 5 seconds ago, let alone 5 days, 5 months, 5 years--that's the case with most people here. I'm not sure anyone can top what I did--but it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter at all who did what. You started off this life as a child....something happened inside you or outside of you at some point--and you dealt with it, well, the way you dealt with it. You wouldn't be feeling the remorse you are feeling right now if you weren't a good soul, regardless of what you did.
One more thing.... what I did brought on the Scarlett Letter for me-for 8 years. I have "recovered" from that...and it was BAD. ( from judgment alone I ended up going into a shell, total isolation, so not to face people--developed agoraphobia it was so bad) So it took me 1.5 years....and I am 100% back. I assure you, if I "recovered", so can you. Monica Lewinsky does a fantastic TED talk on shame.....no matter what category your story falls in, it's worth a look.
Hugs to you. Start RIGHT NOW. Your future is spotless.
One more thing.... what I did brought on the Scarlett Letter for me-for 8 years. I have "recovered" from that...and it was BAD. ( from judgment alone I ended up going into a shell, total isolation, so not to face people--developed agoraphobia it was so bad) So it took me 1.5 years....and I am 100% back. I assure you, if I "recovered", so can you. Monica Lewinsky does a fantastic TED talk on shame.....no matter what category your story falls in, it's worth a look.
Hugs to you. Start RIGHT NOW. Your future is spotless.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 390
I had those same thoughts.
I don't fit in at A.A.
I don't feel welcome at church
My counselor doesn't understand me.
In the end, I started looking around at the bar and realized, 9 times out of 10, I was sitting alone because I didn't fit in there either. Actually, if I was honest with myself, I fit in less at the bar than anywhere else.
I did fit in with the friends I made at AA. I was just reluctant to embrace sobriety so I shunned them.
I did fit in at church but I was reluctant to embrace faith so I shunned them.
I did fit in with my counselor but I was reluctant to embrace healing so I shunned them.
I did embrace drinking and everyone there shunned me.
When you are drinking, it depresses you. That is the nature of alcohol. It also causes what I like to call "soul ache". It leads to such intense feelings of failure, loneliness, fear. Those seep into our life and bind us.
You are accepted here. There is so much love, wisdom, and support here.
Welcome.
I don't fit in at A.A.
I don't feel welcome at church
My counselor doesn't understand me.
In the end, I started looking around at the bar and realized, 9 times out of 10, I was sitting alone because I didn't fit in there either. Actually, if I was honest with myself, I fit in less at the bar than anywhere else.
I did fit in with the friends I made at AA. I was just reluctant to embrace sobriety so I shunned them.
I did fit in at church but I was reluctant to embrace faith so I shunned them.
I did fit in with my counselor but I was reluctant to embrace healing so I shunned them.
I did embrace drinking and everyone there shunned me.
When you are drinking, it depresses you. That is the nature of alcohol. It also causes what I like to call "soul ache". It leads to such intense feelings of failure, loneliness, fear. Those seep into our life and bind us.
You are accepted here. There is so much love, wisdom, and support here.
Welcome.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by TennantSmith
I had those same thoughts.
I don't fit in at A.A.
I don't feel welcome at church
My counselor doesn't understand me.
In the end, I started looking around at the bar and realized, 9 times out of 10, I was sitting alone because I didn't fit in there either. Actually, if I was honest with myself, I fit in less at the bar than anywhere else.
I did fit in with the friends I made at AA. I was just reluctant to embrace sobriety so I shunned them.
I did fit in at church but I was reluctant to embrace faith so I shunned them.
I did fit in with my counselor but I was reluctant to embrace healing so I shunned them.
I did embrace drinking and everyone there shunned me.
When you are drinking, it depresses you. That is the nature of alcohol. It also causes what I like to call "soul ache". It leads to such intense feelings of failure, loneliness, fear. Those seep into our life and bind us.
You are accepted here. There is so much love, wisdom, and support here.
Welcome.
I don't fit in at A.A.
I don't feel welcome at church
My counselor doesn't understand me.
In the end, I started looking around at the bar and realized, 9 times out of 10, I was sitting alone because I didn't fit in there either. Actually, if I was honest with myself, I fit in less at the bar than anywhere else.
I did fit in with the friends I made at AA. I was just reluctant to embrace sobriety so I shunned them.
I did fit in at church but I was reluctant to embrace faith so I shunned them.
I did fit in with my counselor but I was reluctant to embrace healing so I shunned them.
I did embrace drinking and everyone there shunned me.
When you are drinking, it depresses you. That is the nature of alcohol. It also causes what I like to call "soul ache". It leads to such intense feelings of failure, loneliness, fear. Those seep into our life and bind us.
You are accepted here. There is so much love, wisdom, and support here.
Welcome.
Run to live... live to run
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
Posts: 1,091
Welcome Calypso!
I am also a 27 year old female.. Been sober for almost 3 years. I did some stuff, I shudder just thinking about let alone saying them out loud.
Your story doesn't matter to us. Your recovery does.
If you feel the need to tell it, I assure you won't be judged. We just want to help.
I am also a 27 year old female.. Been sober for almost 3 years. I did some stuff, I shudder just thinking about let alone saying them out loud.
Your story doesn't matter to us. Your recovery does.
If you feel the need to tell it, I assure you won't be judged. We just want to help.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Calypso, Welcome!
I can feel the pain in your posts, and I hope by now you see that we are a welcoming, non-judgemental community. You may share your story if you like, or not. Either way, you will find that we do understand how really difficult this is.
I'm glad that you have continued seeking support for yourself and that you found us. Please know that you can PM me anytime - I'm always around.
I can feel the pain in your posts, and I hope by now you see that we are a welcoming, non-judgemental community. You may share your story if you like, or not. Either way, you will find that we do understand how really difficult this is.
I'm glad that you have continued seeking support for yourself and that you found us. Please know that you can PM me anytime - I'm always around.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Hi Calypso: You are accepted here. And no one is going to lecture you or judge you. This is because many or even most of us have been right where you are. Alcoholism remains widely misunderstood. And that makes it harder to become sober. But there is a way out or maybe several ways out. There are several possible paths. Stick with your friends on this website to start with. Tell your story if you feel like it. Listen to the stories others have. And as things better find other recovering alcoholics, whether through AA or some other program. People tend to get better faster if they help each other. At least that's been my experience and I haven't had a drink for nearly 27 years. Every good wish to you. 
W.
W.
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