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Making Amends after getting Sober?

Old 06-10-2014, 08:53 AM
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Making Amends after getting Sober?

In my early days of drinking, nobody knew how bad it was. Very slowly my parents found out, then my brothers, then my closest friends, then friends that weren't quite as close. When I was at my worst as far as drinking was concerned I met a really nice girl. She has her doctorate she's a very well educated and proper girl. Her family is rich, she's had a perfect life...everything has been handed to her. Two months into our new relationship. I broke the cycle. I had drank for 446 nights in a row. She didn't know this, but I did it for her. I knew that if she ever found out about my drinking the relationship would be over. I continued spending the next 6 months of our relationship trying not drink. I would drink every few days, and she is completely unaware that I'm an alcoholic. She broke up with me due to racial issues with her family (She's originally from the eastern part of the globe.) This whole time I was trying to not drink for her, and when she left. My drinking came back HARD. I missed 17 days of work. It was in this period that I realized that she was the beautiful motivation that got me to reduce my drinking (hey I wasn't drinking every night anymore!) Ultimately, I needed to quit for myself.

I like to say this.
I've discontinued drinking many times.
I quit drinking only once.


I'm sober now, and I'm doing excellent. I'm making amends with all of the people I hurt. Does anyone have experience in this? I most of all want to make amends with my ex. Mostly because she is the one person in my life that I've never told. I don't know if I should call it making amends.. I never did anything bad to her, except lie lie lie lie lie. Which didn't hurt her, because she never found out. I haven't seen her or talked to her in over two months. We're meeting in about 24 hours. She was very skeptical about meeting with me because I didn't disclose any details about why I wanted to meet. I just said that it was very important. Do I still have feelings for her? I don't know. I might be feeling a bit stronger for her right now because I'm newly sober. I feel like I love everyone right now, even YOU! So thanks for reading this! I think it's going to be a huge relief off of my chest to tell her tomorrow that I'm an alcoholic and I'm recovering. It's also probably going to hurt a lot. She's a very very beautiful girl--Definitely out of my league haha. I suspect she is going to say "I'm glad you are recovering, but I think we should not meet up agian/I can't be your friend/ I won't be there for you while you are recovering." She has that type of personality--why do you think I never told her in the first place?

Any tips or suggestions? I'd really appreciate. Thank you for any suggestions.
I love you all. Stay tuned because I'm going to keep posting updates as my "making amends week" unfolds.

-Serper2014
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:00 AM
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I would say take your time on this one. Getting sober is one thing, worrying about relationships is a whole different level of things you may not want to even consider at this point. Making amends is a formal part of 12 step programs, but it can be part of any sobriety plan if you choose. Again, you need to give things time - you are literally less than 72 hours out from getting so drunk that you posted that you wanted to strangle this same person you are meeting tomorrow. I understand you didn't mean that literally, but put everything in perspective - you need to work on your own sobriety first and foremost. And that takes time.
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:29 AM
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Seeped, if you don't hear what you think you want to hear, will this trigger you to want to drink? Like Scott said make sure to put you first.
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:30 AM
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I agree with Scott - 72 hours is not the time to start making amends. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Early sobriety is super emotional.
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
I would say take your time on this one. Getting sober is one thing, worrying about relationships is a whole different level of things you may not want to even consider at this point. Making amends is a formal part of 12 step programs, but it can be part of any sobriety plan if you choose. Again, you need to give things time - you are literally less than 72 hours out from getting so drunk that you posted that you wanted to strangle this same person you are meeting tomorrow. I understand you didn't mean that literally, but put everything in perspective - you need to work on your own sobriety first and foremost. And that takes time.

Thanks for your response. This is my first time getting sober, and it will be my only time getting sober. Like I said I've discontinued in the past, but this time. I quit. There's no point in waiting around and not doing things differently this time. I forgot all about that previous post. I'm quitting smoking as well. So I'm 72 hours without a cigarette. I'm having really no withdrawal issues from drinking, but I'm like in a car going 80 miles per hour with the no smoking. So yes, I've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. You said focus on your own sobriety first and foremost. That is what I'm doing. I feel like If I come clean with her I'll have peace. She doesn't have the slightest clue that I had a drinking problem. I just feel like if I come clean with her, then I've come clean with everybody. It's not so much the act of her knowing, it's the act of me getting to say it to someone close to me, who has no idea. She's the last person left to do this with. I appreciate your advice, but I can't take my time.
I have to hit this with everything I've got. Anything I can do to keep myself sober. If I sit around and not try to reconcile relationships then I'm going to be sitting at home, alone, drinking. I'm an alone drinker.
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Erikj View Post
Seeped, if you don't hear what you think you want to hear, will this trigger you to want to drink? Like Scott said make sure to put you first.

I've thought about this, and I'm going to really focus on what I'm saying, and not so much on what she says. I plan on making it very clear with my body language and tone that the meetup is about me admitting this stuff to her, not so much what she thinks about it.
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:39 AM
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Originally Posted by change[CENTER
iscoming;4708005]I agree with Scott - 72 hours is not the time to start making amends. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Early sobriety is super emotional.
Well then what am I supposed to do at 72 hours? I've got 1000 lies of guilt hanging over my head with this girl. I am taking care of myself. I think you know what would make me feel really good about being sober? Getting all the lies off my conscious. I want to start feeling like a good person again. I don't want to hate myself anymore. Why wait? Let's get this sober train rolling at full speed!
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Serper2014 View Post
Let's get this sober train rolling at full speed!
I think people are just cautioning you, don't be a runaway train.

Amends, in the 12-step tradition, are number 9. There is a reason they aren't in the early steps, so that you can truly work on yourself, understand what the amend process is supposed to do, and recognize when an amend does more harm than good.

If I was wanting to make amends with a ex-girlfriend, and I'm talking about me, I'd be looking close at motivation.

That's me. You do what you feel you must do. Good luck.
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Serper2014 View Post
I've thought about this, and I'm going to really focus on what I'm saying, and not so much on what she says.
Re-read this very carefully. It says a lot about your motivation for this meeting tomorrow.

Nothing you can say to anyone is going to fix what you've done in the past, no matter how you say it.
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Old 06-10-2014, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl View Post
I think people are just cautioning you, don't be a runaway train.

Amends, in the 12-step tradition, are number 9. There is a reason they aren't in the early steps, so that you can truly work on yourself, understand what the amend process is supposed to do, and recognize when an amend does more harm than good.

If I was wanting to make amends with a ex-girlfriend, and I'm talking about me, I'd be looking close at motivation.

That's me. You do what you feel you must do. Good luck.
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
Re-read this very carefully. It says a lot about your motivation for this meeting tomorrow.


Nothing you can say to anyone is going to fix what you've done in the past, no matter how you say it.



I guess my motivation is this. We were getting closer and closer in our relationship and I was ready to take it to the next level (say the L word haha) and really have a serious talk about us as a couple. I was getting ready to admit to her that I had a drinking problem and within that same week she broke up with me for a completely unrelated reason! I never got the chance to say it. Now that I'm clean, I wanna say it to her. (That I had a drinking problem, not use the " L word" haha). I mean I don't know how this is going to go down, but the plan is to have the talk and then we're gonna get dinner. I'm going to call it a celebration dinner. With someone I care about-- or at least I used to. She may react badly, or not care at all. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. But I do know that come Thursday morning. I will have said it to her face that I have a drinking problem. Maybe she will be nice and say "keep in touch let me know how you are doing" maybe she will say "I don't know why you are meeting with ME I'm your EX." Most likely she will be inbetween those two extremes. But however she reacts, come thursday morning. I'll have admitted it to her. She may feel happy that she was in my life to help.
I don't really know about the 12 steps. I've read them in the past and they are very spiritual and I'm a scientist. I'm not really into that type of stuff.
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Old 06-10-2014, 10:16 AM
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Is being informed about your drinking something she needs to know or is it something that you need to tell her. I think you should be clear about your motives here; you should not burden someone else with your baggage. And, what will you do if her response is not what you hope it to be? In my opinion, there are many possible outcomes from this meeting, few of them good. Can you postpone until you have a few months of sobriety under your belt?
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Old 06-10-2014, 10:21 AM
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i would advise talking about each amend you wish to make over with your sponsor before going off to make amends as it can be really differclut at times

for example
a man cheats on his wife the wife doesnt know about it and nor does the other persons partner who he cheated with know anything about it
to make an amend would cause 2 innocent people much pain so for things of this nature a sponcor or a much older wiser memeber of aa should be found for advice
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Old 06-10-2014, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Cascabel View Post
Is being informed about your drinking something she needs to know or is it something that you need to tell her. I think you should be clear about your motives here; you should not burden someone else with your baggage. And, what will you do if her response is not what you hope it to be? In my opinion, there are many possible outcomes from this meeting, few of them good. Can you postpone until you have a few months of sobriety under your belt?
I haven't spoken with her in a few months. I don't know how she feels about me, or our breakup. There are many little things that happened in our relationship that may not have made sense to her. Like when I didn't show up to a thanksgiving dinner because I was in the hospital for "food poisoning" (Drank too much). I don't know how much she cares about this stuff. There's no way to know until tomorrow. I do think that I will feel better if I get it off my chest. We have a work related event next week, so I will be seeing her in a professional setting which was going to be awkward, but we decided that it would be ok to meet up before hand so we can act professional. I thought this would be a good opportunity to let the skeletons out of my closet. I don't think I can postpone a few months. She is likely to have moved out of my city by that point anyway. So it would be near impossible to meet. What would be the benefit of postponing it? I'm an extremely talented speaker. I'm not going to be going off on her on a big emotional rant and upsetting her. I know exactly what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it. I'm grateful that she is even willing to meet up, so I wont say anything hurtful to her.
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Old 06-10-2014, 10:31 AM
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Originally Posted by desypete View Post
i would advise talking about each amend you wish to make over with your sponsor before going off to make amends as it can be really differclut at times

for example
a man cheats on his wife the wife doesnt know about it and nor does the other persons partner who he cheated with know anything about it
to make an amend would cause 2 innocent people much pain so for things of this nature a sponcor or a much older wiser memeber of aa should be found for advice
Yeah good example, I understand. I'm not doing AA. I don't have a sponsor. I don't want to do AA. That's why I'm here asking for advice instead of a sponsor in AA.
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Old 06-10-2014, 10:33 AM
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I so hope that you really listen to all the advice you're getting here.

I think it's too soon to focus on amends.

And, more importantly, what is your intention? Making amends is not to make you feel good. Have you considered that what you say to her might hurt her? Think about that. Do you want your amends to cause her pain and sadness? That's not what amends is about.
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Old 06-10-2014, 10:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Serper2014 View Post
That's why I'm here asking for advice instead of a sponsor in AA.
And you are getting a lot of it - rational advice from many different people. It seems that you are hell-bent on meeting this woman tomorrow regardless of what we think, and your motivations are questionable at best. I'd recommend you read through everything you've written in the past week here and see what your true intentions are.
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Old 06-10-2014, 10:44 AM
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Wow, I really admire your dedication. However, you in a very early stage to making amends with her. Just concentrate on your sobriety for especially being 3 days in. Your mind may change or you may be moody from withdrawal. Your main focus needs to be having dinner without a drink.
If you contacted her out of the blue to tell her this she may be confused or think maybe you are seeking sympathy to get back with her. Ultimately the decision is yours. I wish you the best with your sobriety and dinner with her. Just remember Rome wasn't but in a day and your in a volatile stage.
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Old 06-10-2014, 10:48 AM
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The parts that concern me are when you keep emphasizing what YOU will get out of it.

"I" is being said a lot.
What about her though? How do you know that what you are saying won't have a negative impact on her? That's a huge assumption.
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Old 06-10-2014, 11:09 AM
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Can I ask how old you are?
I can tell you with over 50 years experience on this planet.
This has "pink cloud" disaster written all over it.

Sorry if it's not exactly what you want to hear.
Just saying....
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Old 06-10-2014, 11:11 AM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
And you are getting a lot of it - rational advice from many different people. It seems that you are hell-bent on meeting this woman tomorrow regardless of what we think, and your motivations are questionable at best. I'd recommend you read through everything you've written in the past week here and see what your true intentions are.
I think you are right. I'm getting a lot of information, but it's based upon the word "amends." Which is apparently a step in AA. I'm not doing the steps. I'm not doing AA. So does anyone's opinion change if I call it...?


"Advice on telling a friend that you are an alcoholic"
"Advice on telling a lover you are an alcoholic"
"How to tell people you are an alcoholic"


That's really what I made this thread for. I want people to give me advice on HOW to tell her tomorrow. One thing that I've seen you guys say is I have to make sure that she's not getting hurt in the process. I am capable of doing that.
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