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Making Amends after getting Sober?

Old 06-10-2014, 12:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Serper2014 View Post
Yeah this is all about me. I get that. She may be glad to hear this. She may not. Most likely she won't care. I think I will feel better though. That is the point.
If this message didn't have a time stamp on it you could easily mistake your statement above for something you wrote the other night. Not sure what else can be said if you don't see a problem with this.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
You do always have the option of calling her and telling her why you want to meet with her first.

What's VERY important to remember at this time is that you are basically just guessing at what she might say or what she might think. You have no control over either, and it could end up really backfiring on you.

You already know the relationship is over, and you know that there are circumstances beyond your control ( and her control for that matter ) that won't allow the relationship to continue regardless of what happens tomorrow.

You have to make the decision on what you are going to do - none of us can do that for you. But really, really think it through. Take everything into account too - you say you don't remember writing some of those things you wrote in the last week, but they are there inside you somewhere - and it wouldn't take much to drag it all back out if you get into an argument or the conversation goes awry.

Just think it through - that's all anyone is saying.

You are right. I should definitely call her and tell her why I want to meet. To see if she is willing to have that discussion, instead of blindsiding her with "trust me this is important we NEED to meet." If she thinks that maybe it's not a good idea to meet, then I will call it off. She may be willing to meet and discuss the problem with me. I don't know, but you are right I should definitely get her opinion first.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
If this message didn't have a time stamp on it you could easily mistake your statement above for something you wrote the other night. Not sure what else can be said if you don't see a problem with this.

You are right. I can't be like this anymore. I will call her and get her permission to meet.
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Old 06-10-2014, 02:30 PM
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Update:


I spoke with her and told her I was an alcoholic.
She was shocked.
I told her that it is completely up to her if she wanted to meet.
She told me that this changes nothing and that we will still be meeting tomorrow.
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Old 06-10-2014, 04:09 PM
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Thanks for all the advice and support. I know I was pretty set in my ways, but ultimately I followed your advice and this I believe will make for a much better outcome
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Old 06-10-2014, 06:13 PM
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Glad to hear it Serper...hope everything goes well tomorrow.
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Old 06-10-2014, 07:06 PM
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A willingness to listen to others' input & make an informed decision is a great way to start your recovery. Good luck with your meetup!
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Old 06-11-2014, 03:04 AM
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glad to hear Serper! I hope this goes well for you today!
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Old 06-11-2014, 04:00 AM
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OOPs sorry wrong post : )
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Old 06-11-2014, 04:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Serper2014 View Post
I think you are right. I'm getting a lot of information, but it's based upon the word "amends." Which is apparently a step in AA. I'm not doing the steps. I'm not doing AA. So does anyone's opinion change if I call it...?


"Advice on telling a friend that you are an alcoholic"
"Advice on telling a lover you are an alcoholic"
"How to tell people you are an alcoholic"


That's really what I made this thread for. I want people to give me advice on HOW to tell her tomorrow. One thing that I've seen you guys say is I have to make sure that she's not getting hurt in the process. I am capable of doing that.

the reason people on here have brought up amends Is because the word is in the title of the thread( I think that's why anyways).
amends- compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.
recompense-make restitution for damages or injuries.

it reads like yer goin in this just to let the cat out of the bag- to say basically,"hey I was drunk all the time and lied like crazy and im sorry."
if that's the case, I wish you the best of luck.
if you understood why you did those things and what you have done to change, then met up or sent a letter, IMO that would be better for ya.


but now you've changed it to how to tell her your an alcoholic.why does she need to know?
I am thinkin ya may have a motive you aren't aware yet.
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Old 06-11-2014, 04:32 AM
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You are getting great advice here..

Every action gets a reaction...I don't know her, I don't know how she will react or feel. She could feel like she was made a complete fool of, or wonder "Who are you??"

You did steal from her, you stole her right to the truth.

I would keep that in mind now you have told her you are an alcoholic.

Why do you want to tell her, for you, your conscience or for her and her right to the truth.

I also wish you the best and hope it goes well.
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Old 06-11-2014, 04:33 AM
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seems to me that part of your motivation is to 'come clean' - which I agree can be very helpful in supporting your sobriety by releasing the burden of shame and self-loathing caused by lying to people we care about.

Still - in your words I hear a longing and a regret regarding the loss of the relationship and I wonder if there's something here about you hoping this admission will cause her to somehow want to come back to you....

If you can keep to the first purpose in this meeting - I'd say perhaps there is real value in it.

"Hey, I'm feeling really down on myself about having deceived you. I know that it's selfish of me to ask for you to meet with me, then drop a bomb on you that informs you of the false self I showed you during our time together. I appreciate your willingness and hope you'll forgive me for this, but even if you can't forgive me - it's an important step for me simply to admit it as I try to do all I can to support my sobriety. Thank you for meeting with me and hearing me.

It strikes me that it might be really hard - especially so early on - for you to stick to that agenda and not find yourself trying to advance another aspect that is more related to your wanting the relationship back.... but it seems you're going to do this because something in you is strongly driven to.

Whatever the case, maybe you can spend some very honest time with yourself getting really clear on your motivation, expectations and how you'll keep to the core point; your own wellness.
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Old 06-11-2014, 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
the reason people on here have brought up amends Is because the word is in the title of the thread( I think that's why anyways).
amends- compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.
recompense-make restitution for damages or injuries.

it reads like yer goin in this just to let the cat out of the bag- to say basically,"hey I was drunk all the time and lied like crazy and im sorry."
if that's the case, I wish you the best of luck.
if you understood why you did those things and what you have done to change, then met up or sent a letter, IMO that would be better for ya.



but now you've changed it to how to tell her your an alcoholic.why does she need to know?
I am thinkin ya may have a motive you aren't aware yet.

I think that with my 96 hour mark coming up today, and all that I've been thinking about and talking to friends....she MAY find out in the future anyway... it's not likely but if she did, that wouldn't be good. I purely only lied to her about my drinking... I did that because I'm an alcoholic. I am going to reveal some things that I lied about, but not everything because I don't want her to feel cheated. The focus of the meet up is, hey it's nice to see you... I wish I told you that I had a problem before, but it's ok now I'm in recovery.


Originally Posted by Notimetoloose View Post
You are getting great advice here..

Every action gets a reaction...I don't know her, I don't know how she will react or feel. She could feel like she was made a complete fool of, or wonder "Who are you??"

You did steal from her, you stole her right to the truth.

I would keep that in mind now you have told her you are an alcoholic.

Why do you want to tell her, for you, your conscience or for her and her right to the truth.

I also wish you the best and hope it goes well.
It's mostly for my conscience, but I'm going to do it tactfully so that she isn't hurt.

Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
seems to me that part of your motivation is to 'come clean' - which I agree can be very helpful in supporting your sobriety by releasing the burden of shame and self-loathing caused by lying to people we care about.

Still - in your words I hear a longing and a regret regarding the loss of the relationship and I wonder if there's something here about you hoping this admission will cause her to somehow want to come back to you....

If you can keep to the first purpose in this meeting - I'd say perhaps there is real value in it.

"Hey, I'm feeling really down on myself about having deceived you. I know that it's selfish of me to ask for you to meet with me, then drop a bomb on you that informs you of the false self I showed you during our time together. I appreciate your willingness and hope you'll forgive me for this, but even if you can't forgive me - it's an important step for me simply to admit it as I try to do all I can to support my sobriety. Thank you for meeting with me and hearing me.

It strikes me that it might be really hard - especially so early on - for you to stick to that agenda and not find yourself trying to advance another aspect that is more related to your wanting the relationship back.... but it seems you're going to do this because something in you is strongly driven to.

Whatever the case, maybe you can spend some very honest time with yourself getting really clear on your motivation, expectations and how you'll keep to the core point; your own wellness.

This is one of the best posts I've read so far. Thankyou. I do miss her. If the breakup had been sour maybe I wouldn't so much. I've spent the last 24 hours literally doing nothing but reading about sobriety and practicing what I'm going to say to her and how I'm going to say it. One thing that I'm not going to do a the end of the dinner is say "so when are we hanging out again?" or "I'll text you or chat you on facebook" I'm not going to leave any indication that we will be talking again. She may check up on me in a week or a month. She may not. I don't know. I'm not going to focus on it.... as far as I'm concerned this will be my last communication with her for a long time, which is fine because I have to work on staying sober. It's gonna be bittersweet. I might shed tears, but hopefully they are tears of joy....
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Old 06-11-2014, 10:21 AM
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So, Serper, how did it go? How do you feel now? How, do you think, she feels about your confession?

I've also read some of your previous threads. The preference for a physical type (in your case "Indian girls") is one thing many people have. It may push you into repetitions, wanting to get it right eventually - look at this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4704597

I've certainly had a few versions of this "compulsion" in my life regarding relationships and other things. What I'm currently struggling with a little (not always just a little): that a few years ago when I entered my current relationship, I pretty much broke that "repetition compulsion" thing. It felt ideal for me for a while... until I had some sober time, to be honest. I'm dealing with this, once again, after >4 months of sobriety, because it was never truly resolved.

Like others said, I also hope it goes well. Please be aware that people, even if they have moved on from past experiences, are normally not insensitive to past-present connections. I hope you will respect your ex-gf enough, and that you will be able to be honest with yourself enough.
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Old 06-11-2014, 10:57 AM
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Originally Posted by haennie View Post
So, Serper, how did it go? How do you feel now? How, do you think, she feels about your confession?

I've also read some of your previous threads. The preference for a physical type (in your case "Indian girls") is one thing many people have. It may push you into repetitions, wanting to get it right eventually - look at this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4704597

I've certainly had a few versions of this "compulsion" in my life regarding relationships and other things. What I'm currently struggling with a little (not always just a little): that a few years ago when I entered my current relationship, I pretty much broke that "repetition compulsion" thing. It felt ideal for me for a while... until I had some sober time, to be honest. I'm dealing with this, once again, after >4 months of sobriety, because it was never truly resolved.

Like others said, I also hope it goes well. Please be aware that people, even if they have moved on from past experiences, are normally not insensitive to past-present connections. I hope you will respect your ex-gf enough, and that you will be able to be honest with yourself enough.
T-6 hours. I'm glad I saw this post before I went. I think I agree with you. I have a certain type that I like and that's who I am. I will stick with the type even if I get hurt because I think you are right. If I go for a different type I may not be happy in the long run.

On your second point. I don't know how "over" me she is. She is obviously concerned enough to meet with me. I'm going to try and keep a good composure throughout the meeting. I certainly hope I don't reopen the wound. However, the wound healed while I was drinking...and so I never really dealt with the emotion of the break up properly. So if it hurts to see her and the wound is opened. This time I can heal the proper way.
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Old 06-11-2014, 11:11 AM
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Yes. Just please keep in mind the balance thing: you want you to heal, but NOT in the expense of her (or anyone else).
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Old 06-11-2014, 12:52 PM
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Any other advice before I go?
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Old 06-11-2014, 02:35 PM
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Let us know how it goes, Serper!
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Old 06-15-2014, 11:45 AM
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I was going to send a message warning against doing what you planned to do, but it looks like I might be too late...
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