ScottFromWI

And I think the overwhelming response is that you shoudln't tell her tomorrow. Its' too early in your recovery. It has nothing to do with whether you want to call it an amend, an apology or a statement. It has nothing to do with AA either.

Serper2014

Thanks for your opinion. I respect that you are much older than I and have more experience. Can you explain what a pink cloud disaster is. Thanks

Jupiters

it's the early days of sobriety from my understanding.

resolute50

Here's the quickest reference I could find for "pink cloud syndrome".

Surviving the Pink Cloud in Recovery | Alcohol Rehab

ScottFromWI

The "pink cloud" is a theory that sometimes in early sobriety, one feels as if they are on a cloud and euphoric about their success and initial physical changes for the better. Just about everyone who is on this cloud comes back to earth at some point...when the reality of the situation sets in. Not everyone gets it and some have it in varying degrees, but it definitely happens.

resolute50

Keep in mind that I am giving you this information because we're all looking out for each other here.
After reading what you are thinking of doing,and being a friend from the outside looking in.I think that you need to wait a while.

As it took a process to become an alcoholic,it also takes a process to recover.
Give things time.

KissMyTiara

I'm confused on why you feel the need to tell her you are an alcoholic after being broken up two months? You say she broke up with you.....for reasons unrelated to drinking.

Sounds like you are trying to get back into her life via pity? Just saying that from one alcoholic to another, because that might be my tactic too.

Jupiters

we are a manipulative bunch aren't we?
looking back, there were times I thought my motives were sincere...but in hindsight, no...they weren't.

Anna

I'm not in AA and my suggestions to you do not change at all. Call it whatever you like, I think you're planning to do this so that 'you' feel better and that's not what it should be about.

Serper2014

I may never get another chance. Like I said, she's moving out of my city. We have a professional event next week that we will both be attending that will be the last for..most likely years. This was a good opportunity to contact her to meet up because we will be seeing eachother next week in a professional setting anyway. Trust me, I wish I had 60 clean days by tomorrow, but I don't. There is nothing I can do about that now. I don't think she will believe me if I tried to tell her over the phone. Like I mentioned, I'm an alone drinker. Most everyone that I've told I was an alcoholic...I had to convince them. I had to show them pictures of my room. They just couldn't believe it. They thought I was overreacting. I'm sure she would be the same way. I know people have been saying I shouldn't. The number of people saying the same thing is quite moving. There must be something to that, but what is the concrete reason? Besides the fact that I should "focus on myself."

ScottFromWI

There isn't a cut and dry answer to a lot of things involving addiction serper. And especially when we are still in it's throes, our judgment is clouded. You are a smart guy- your in med school and have a bright future.

Think of it this way for a minute - pretend you are doing a case study for one of your classes. Read through your posts from the last week and pretend that YOU are the patient that is being analzed as part of that case study. What would you recommend to the patient?

Serper2014

No no, that isn't my motivation at all. She broke up with me because of racial issues. There's no getting back with her. She can't do it. She won't do it. Her parent's wont let her do it. We broke up on really good terms. Of course it was disappointing that we had to end, but how could you ask someone to choose you over their family? I want to tell her because I dreamed of the day that I would be in recovery and get to tell her. I've looked forward to it for so long. And now it's here. I didn't expect us to not be together on this day, but that's ok. I still want to come clean with her. Lol there is no getting back together with her, and if there even was a chance, telling her that I'm an alcoholic would be the last thing I'd do! Lol.

I hope that my motivations are true in this case. I am sober, but maybe I'm having a pink cloud effect like some have mentioned.


Why not? why can't it be about me? This is hypothetical. I think that she will take some pleasure knowing how she indirectly influenced my life in such a positive way. But lets assume she doesn't care about that. Why can't I do something that will make me less likely to go back to drinking?

songthread

The concrete reason is because this will probably end up hurting her because of your behavior of which she was unaware. And it may confirm her decision that it's best to move on and go with the cultural traditional thinking of her parents in regards to this relationship, and it will hurt you and it will be a challenge to your sobriety.

This is only an opinion. Take care of yourself. I wish you the best.

resolute50

"but how could you ask someone to choose you over their family"

You have never met my wife's family.

Serper2014

Thanks for this. I wrote some pretty angry things on this forum the last time I was drunk. I can't believe I wrote that stuff. I don't remember writing it but I recognize writing it. If that makes sense. You know I'm not angry anymore and I feel that what I wrote was just me being drunk.. I wonder though.

I would recommend the patient wait to have the talk, to make sure he is completely over her and ready for the talk. The problem is her and I spoke on the phone this morning. If I back out now... she's going to be really confused and probably mad because she's already planned on taking some time to spend with me tomorrow. I can hear her now "well what did you want to talk about?" Well I don't want to talk about it now. "Well why are you doing this just flip flopping changing your mind on me." It's going to be a bad reaction that I think will be worse than any possible reaction she would have tomorrow to hear about my drinking. But I am now considering not meeting with her tomorrow.

KissMyTiara

I'm happy for you that you have 72 hours. But I wouldn't call that recovery. You haven't drank in 3 days. That's all. You say you have done this over and over. You just aren't drinking. To tell the ex you are in recovery is a little premature.

And bottom line I still don't know why she needs to know any of this. She wasn't aware before 2 months ago. I'm sorry, but this is all about you. Why will come out of this but to make you feel better about yourself? Telling her you lied to her all this time? Yes, that will make her feel really special about how you felt about her.

I'd call it off.

EndGameNYC

I have to agree with everyone else. But the overwhelming sentiments here seem to not influence your thinking or your insights on what it is that you're up to one bit. So I'll say it in a slightly different way. Your motivations are contaminated by your desires, by denial, and by what you seem to think is best for you, not for her. You're not making amends here; you're making her an instrument for your satisfaction, another object in your pursuit of personal pleasure with no regard for how your plan will affect her. That you don't seem to appreciate this is telling.

Another thing that's telling is that you had such a polite ending to the relationship. No fight on her side to stay with you, little or no trepidation to leave you behind in order to satisfy her parents' wishes, and then no contact from her after it was over. Perhaps this is truly what your "amends" is about?

This is a serious problem. It's bad enough that your side of the relationship was based on one, big lie but that you don't think your lies hurt her "because she never found out," betrays an extreme level of insensitivity. You were a daily drinker during your relationship, but you "never did anything bad to her (except lie lie lie lie lie)?" Misrepresenting yourself to another person as a way of life and as the foundation of your relationship, telling lies, keeping secrets, making excuses and then attempting to unburden yourself by telling her that the whole relationship was based on a lie...I don't know that there's anything more hurtful than this type of betrayal.

You came here seeking advice. How about taking her perspective? If I were on her side of this, I'd throttle you before you were half-way through your confession.

ScottFromWI

You do always have the option of calling her and telling her why you want to meet with her first.

What's VERY important to remember at this time is that you are basically just guessing at what she might say or what she might think. You have no control over either, and it could end up really backfiring on you.

You already know the relationship is over, and you know that there are circumstances beyond your control ( and her control for that matter ) that won't allow the relationship to continue regardless of what happens tomorrow.

You have to make the decision on what you are going to do - none of us can do that for you. But really, really think it through. Take everything into account too - you say you don't remember writing some of those things you wrote in the last week, but they are there inside you somewhere - and it wouldn't take much to drag it all back out if you get into an argument or the conversation goes awry.

Just think it through - that's all anyone is saying.

Serper2014

It's not about the 72 hours. It's about the mindset. Every time I stopped drinking before I knew I was going to drink again, I just hoped it wasn't that soon. A lot of people say "one day at a time" that doesn't work for me because eventually I wake up and be like yesterday I took it one day at a time and today I'm drinking! So my mindset has shifted to Serper2014 doesn't drink. Also, I haven't gone 72 hours without a cigarette... in years. So this really feels different this time. I wanted her to know two months ago, but I wasn't in recovery at that point. I wasn't ready for it at that point.

Yeah this is all about me. I get that. She may be glad to hear this. She may not. Most likely she won't care. I think I will feel better though. That is the point.

Jupiters

well, I hope it goes well.
this is a bit concerning.