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Old 04-25-2013, 11:33 PM
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Thankyou

To those who have provided support in my difficult situation. Some of the comments here are just destroying my already fragile self esteem.

I'm really trying. The original post was irrational and incomprehensible yes, but today all I had had was 2mg val and the same of codeine. I believe I was capable of rational conversation.

I get angry when I see myself in others so I can see where people are coming from but with days until I have to leave my family for 2 weeks to detox and I'm fragile and terrified. I am scared once the drugs are gone my eating disorder will kill me. I have so much work to do and she'd so many tears over some of the posts here today. And over my kids. I'm terrified of being suicidal agajn without the Valium. That was the darkest time in my life.

I've said numerous times, my husband is now home until I go to detox and has holidays the whole time I am there. No one listened.

I've said numerous times I will not do a 5 hours round trip to go to an Na meeting. I cannot. No one listened.

People even had the gall to say my husband and pastor are no good. They are both instrumental in me still being alive and keeping my head above water and I can't thank them enough. I tear up to think that anyone thinks anything of them but my greatest supports.

I'm done. I actually thought I could just come here and be honest because people have done as bad and worse things than me. I had 13 years clean. I did that for my kids. And I will do it again. But I shall seek support elsewhere from now on. I can't handle the extra years at the moment.

Thanks to those who have understood and stuck by me but I really can't do this anymore. I thought people understood.
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Old 04-25-2013, 11:40 PM
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I wish you would stay MLC. Many of us have attempted to help. Sometimes via tough love to be sure, but overwhelmingly it's been to hopefully get you in the road to recovery. It is your choice to leave as well as your choice to use or quit. I truly hope it's the latter and you find support after your rehab to stay sober. Best of luck.
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Old 04-25-2013, 11:42 PM
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Like I said before, people care.

Some of us are scared for you, and that shows...others can be pretty... eccentric in making their point, I guess...but we all do care.

people wouldn't bother to post otherwise.


I hope you'll change your mind, MLC...but best wishes whatever you decide

D
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Old 04-25-2013, 11:43 PM
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Please don't go MLC, there are many people here who genuinely care for you. I came on-line this morning to give you a virtual hug and let you know I'm thinking of you. I was a bit panicked to see your thread closed.

No need to leave us. People might say or post things that are not helpful but that happens to all of us sometimes. I truly believe that there is so much love and support for you on this forum that it could be just what you need in the next few weeks.

Stay.

Xxx
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Old 04-26-2013, 12:27 AM
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Thank you to the three who replied. I have appreciated your support. I am at breaking point and can't do it anymore though. Best wishes x
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Old 04-26-2013, 01:23 AM
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MLC - I wish I could make you see how skewed your thinking is, and I am an addict with an ED myself.

The thinking I am talking about is not your decision to leave, but when you post about your addiction and everyday life.

Can I give you one example?

In your last thread (I think) you talked about being confined to your bed all day on a public holiday because you did not have enough drugs due to your reduced prescription. You were in agony. I have no doubt you were not in agony.

But to me, and maybe I am wrong, you seemed to be angry not with yourself but with the fact you did not have enough drugs and what might have led to that - your doctor, the situation, I don't know. Almost like how dare you be put in this situation?

To be honest, if that were me, I would have been utterly ashamed that I had wasted a day in bed, in agony, due to my own actions. I doubt I would have been able to look at myself in the mirror. The fact my child had suffered because of me would have caused me great pain and self hate. Even if my partner had been there and entertained my child, that would not have eased my hatred of myself. I would of failed.

You never seem to accept your role in it all. Its always someone else's or something else's fault.
And you always seem to have it so much harder than everyone else.

I remember how you had a thread about rapid detox from benzo's and I replied that you should not question the medics and go with it with an open mind. Do you remember?

You told me that you were not the type to blindly follow medical advice without asking questions.
That got my back up if I am honest.
Because my immediate thought was well you obviously do not blindly follow medical advice otherwise you would have not abused valium in this way. Medical opinion was not important to you then yet it is top priority when you are coming off them?

Thats double standards.

I never posted that because I did not want to upset you, I just walked away.

I am trying to get you to see, not to upset you, but because I care.
And I do see similarities between my thinking and your thinking.
I want you to get better.

Children are very emotive subjects to us all, especially where addiction is concerned.
There are some members here that are desperate to share their very, very painful experiences about how their addiction has impacted on their kids.
This is to spare you the misery they have experienced.
You have to understand that any posts involving children, will illict strong emotions.

We can't all write posts saying 'there, there, its okay, it does not matter'.
That would make us all enablers.
It would make SR a fraud, no point existing.
And I don't really think thats what you want.

You are in a world of pain at the moment MLC.
Don't make any decisions now about leaving.
Get detox done, then decide.
You just need to put all your thoughts into that. That is top priority.

Above all else remember this has been written out of care, concern and with the hope you will become the person you want to be.

I hope you read this the way I want you to read this, not with hate or indignation.

My very best to you
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Old 04-26-2013, 01:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Midlifecrisis View Post
my already fragile self esteem.
My sponsor told me my self-esteem would come back when I started doing esteemable things for a while.

You can have recovery if you want it MLC, good luck, God bless.
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Old 04-26-2013, 01:52 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
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MLC, I follow all of your posts. I am so glad you are getting help.

Please don't let fear stop you from moving forward. In my experience, I do the best things when I am facing an abyss, filled with fear, and do something in spite of it.

Anything has to be better than the current hell you are experiencing. Once your body is detoxed, your brain may offer up some different ideas about how you want to go forward.

I am sending you a big hug, and know that you are bigger and stronger than you addiction. Do the best you can to ready yourself for detox, and please understand that filling yourself with drugs and booze beforehand will only make it harder.

There is no need for one last hurrah. (So glad you are skipping the concert!) Try not to think about the ED right now. Just put one foot in front of the other as you walk towards your detox, and realize you can be the mum you want to be on the other side of this.

And there is another side. You will get there.
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Old 04-26-2013, 02:15 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
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Midlifecrisis, I have followed your journey and understood your feelings. I know all to well how hard it is and you have been an inspiration to me, have helped me to stay sober for 1016 days and now you're telling me your gonna leave because of a few people that haven't been less than supportive. You have friends here who care and there's gonna be those kinds of people where ever you go. Better to stay right here with us.
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Old 04-26-2013, 08:35 AM
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I hope you don't really leave, MLC. I want to see you on the other side of detox. I want to see you get through one horrific battle at a time. And they are all horrific and terrifying to you. I see that, because I am that.

A couple months ago, in a drunken fight, I stabbed my husband in the back. He is OK, thank God, and has forgiven me, thank God. But I was arrested and my kids were removed from my home for 10 days. I was also not allowed to have any contact with my husband or go to my house until the court case was over. It lasted 90 days.

In the meantime, Children Services has been a constant part of my life, and will continue to be, until at least September. They dictate what counseling I have to do, what counseling my husband has to do, what counseling my kids have to do. They drop in unannounced to make sure that my kids are not being cared for by someone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, legal or illegal.

Yet the cycle continued. I crashed my car while driving drunk. Somehow I managed to get home and not get arrested. But while it was being worked on and I was driving the rental car a week later, I got pulled over and got a DUI.

Last week, I officially lost my license. But the cycle continues. I've also had some access to Vicodin, and have been happily abusing that as well. I am in complete denial, just as I feel you are.

I have also suffered from ED.

My first court case has been dismissed. My driving priviledges will be back in three weeks. Children Services will be out of my life in a few months. My DUI case will be over sometime after that. One. Foot. In. Front. Of. The. Other. There is nothing else that I can do. I am afraid of all of this legal stuff, and I'm afraid of the drugs and the alcohol.

I need you. I need to see you get better. I was so happy to hear that you were going to detox. I see some hope in your future. And when I see hope in your future, I feel like there might be hope in my future. Please don't go.
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Old 04-26-2013, 09:02 AM
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MLC you receive at least 2 dozen replies for every one of your posts. Several struggling newcomers and insightful veterans posting questions don't get a fraction of the attention and support that you do here. Lashing out at SR, which is probably your last lifeline of support and sympathy at this point, just shows how sick you really are. And the reality is that many of us have been that sick ourselves.

I'm happy to hear you are going to treatment. Good luck.
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Old 04-26-2013, 09:04 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
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MLC, I also follow all of your posts. Like many others here, I've been rooting for you in my heart and still am. You have a great deal of love, care and support here, from so many people who have never met you, but so dearly want health and happiness for you and your family. Please understand that the truth is also just as vitally important to hear as much as the support. Many of us here have lost everything, family, home, jobs...absolutely everything, in the struggles through addiction. Our intent in honest responses is really all about hoping that you'll see the reality of the extent of the destruction that addiction can cause that you may not see on your own. I know it's difficult right now, and the meds wreak havoc on your thinking, but please know that everyone's intent is to support you on the road to getting better. We're not going anywhere, we're always here to support you and give you a great big *honest* cyber-hug no matter what.
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Old 04-26-2013, 09:36 AM
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MLC, I hope that you can let yesterday be in the past. We all need to move forward. That thread is now gone, Thanks to the Moderator. I know that people are scared for you and your children. I didnt read the whole thing and I didnt want to involve myself to much. I want you to know that you are doing the right thing. Going to Detox will be a life saver. Lets worry about your eating disorder later. Lets tackle it after detox. You are doing well.Its only a little time now and you will be in good hands.
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Old 04-26-2013, 09:52 AM
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MLC - there are many people here who, with real experience, understand your exact situation. They have been there. They know what it feels like. They have been through it. All I can do is hope for your well being. I can't offer any real advice to help you except this. Don't overlook how lucky you are to have so many people here who have been through some of the things you are going through. They are an invaluable wealth of advice, information and support that I do not think you could find anywhere else. Do not throw that away.
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Old 04-26-2013, 02:52 PM
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MLC, you're throwing a bit of a tantrum IMO. You should get sober for a while before making decisions or judgments. It's clear you're going through a lot right now and the chemicals are keeping you from thinking clearly. Get sober, and then take the time to work on your other issues such as your eating disorder. Yes, you have a long road, but I believe you are certainly capable of walking that road. But the first step is obviously getting sober. Without that you will not be able to sort out your other issues.

Everyone here wants to see you get better and be happy; no one hates you. Get well and sober and you will see that that everyone here is concerned and worried about you and your family.

Most of all, know that you can have a happy, sober life. It may seem far away, but it's not as far away as you may think.
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Old 04-26-2013, 03:08 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
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MLC - I see you've been logging on and presumably reading threads throughout the day. There is absolutely no shame in coming back and joining in the conversation. You are always welcome, regardless of what you or anyone else here has said in the past. You said your husband is home now until you check in to Detox, so now you can focus 100% on getting ready for that, and what will come afterwards. Even if you choose to never post again, we still wish you well and if you are reading this good luck to you and your family.
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Old 04-26-2013, 06:02 PM
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I am rooting for you girl. I understand that getting to a meeting after detox might be tough. You might want to check out the AA "loner international" newsletter. Also if you google "In the rooms" they have tons of video meetings.
I hope you will reconsider your decision and stay with us. You truly helped me on the January thread and I wish you health, prosperity and more importantly tranquility.

Hugs
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Old 04-26-2013, 06:57 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
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I hope you feel better MLC. Please stick with the detox plan, going inpatient is the best the best thing you can do for yourself and your family. When you're physically stronger, the ED will be easier to fight too. You're worth it!
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Old 04-26-2013, 08:13 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Sasha4 View Post
MLC - I wish I could make you see how skewed your thinking is, and I am an addict with an ED myself.

The thinking I am talking about is not your decision to leave, but when you post about your addiction and everyday life.

Can I give you one example?

In your last thread (I think) you talked about being confined to your bed all day on a public holiday because you did not have enough drugs due to your reduced prescription. You were in agony. I have no doubt you were not in agony.

But to me, and maybe I am wrong, you seemed to be angry not with yourself but with the fact you did not have enough drugs and what might have led to that - your doctor, the situation, I don't know. Almost like how dare you be put in this situation?

To be honest, if that were me, I would have been utterly ashamed that I had wasted a day in bed, in agony, due to my own actions. I doubt I would have been able to look at myself in the mirror. The fact my child had suffered because of me would have caused me great pain and self hate. Even if my partner had been there and entertained my child, that would not have eased my hatred of myself. I would of failed.

You never seem to accept your role in it all. Its always someone else's or something else's fault.
And you always seem to have it so much harder than everyone else.

I remember how you had a thread about rapid detox from benzo's and I replied that you should not question the medics and go with it with an open mind. Do you remember?

You told me that you were not the type to blindly follow medical advice without asking questions.
That got my back up if I am honest.
Because my immediate thought was well you obviously do not blindly follow medical advice otherwise you would have not abused valium in this way. Medical opinion was not important to you then yet it is top priority when you are coming off them?

Thats double standards.

I never posted that because I did not want to upset you, I just walked away.

I am trying to get you to see, not to upset you, but because I care.
And I do see similarities between my thinking and your thinking.
I want you to get better.

Children are very emotive subjects to us all, especially where addiction is concerned.
There are some members here that are desperate to share their very, very painful experiences about how their addiction has impacted on their kids.
This is to spare you the misery they have experienced.
You have to understand that any posts involving children, will illict strong emotions.

We can't all write posts saying 'there, there, its okay, it does not matter'.
That would make us all enablers.
It would make SR a fraud, no point existing.
And I don't really think thats what you want.

You are in a world of pain at the moment MLC.
Don't make any decisions now about leaving.
Get detox done, then decide.
You just need to put all your thoughts into that. That is top priority.

Above all else remember this has been written out of care, concern and with the hope you will become the person you want to be.

I hope you read this the way I want you to read this, not with hate or indignation.

My very best to you
I honestly don't know how you have gotten its always someone's else's fault!? I have done this to myself. I spent that day in bed because I was stupid enough to drink a bottle of wine on top of all my pills. I think I even said how much I regretted missing a whole public holiday with my family. I was angry at myself. Nobody has put me in this position but me. I don't even hold any unforgivenss towards those who sexually abused me at 7 and then again at 15. Truly. But I'm damaged. And I've done a heck of a good job of adding to that damage.

All I said was I always ask questions of doctors. I think that is smart. I don't know what you're picturing I'm like but I'm a small blonde skinny thing with a quiet voice not someone who would stand over a doctor or anyone for that matter. I just believe in knowing the details of medical treatment. For me and my family. I have always been like that.
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Old 04-26-2013, 08:19 PM
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You know what? The thing that made me so upset yesterday was the fact that a couple of people said awful things about my husband and pastor. The two people in my life woo have helped me keep my head just above water. Why the meanness?

Anyway my husband hates me now too. Friend sleeping over had an asthma attack and hubby woke before I did and helped he (he is asthmatic so knows what to do...). Then he started yelling at me calling me a drug ****** idiot who does nothing. I spent all day helping out with reading at school, supporting the kids on cross country, entertaining 13 kids and keeping them safe while they rode bikes on our street, made beautiful dinner but I fell asleep too early.

Honesty how can I be such a **** up?
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