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Starting over again.....

Old 04-16-2010, 11:59 AM
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Starting over again.....

I had 3 months down and was feeling quite good. The panic attacks and massive anxiety blah blah went away when I quit cold turkey in January. Well in the recent weeks I started back on the rum again. Nowheres near what I was consuming prior but nonetheless got back on it. I had taken a nasty fall a few weeks back and have been housebound and on crutches. Sitting in and being dependent on my hubby for everything is tough. He is active duty military and we are stationed overseas. I guess I needed help to get things done and I didn't really want to ask for it you know. I have other spouses who have it much worse then me (deployments, etc.) and well they offered help and I say great at the time then get off the phone and feel sorry for myself.

I just came off a 2 day binge because my hubby went on a short term mission. I couldn't really walk the dog and just feel so damn alone over here. I started drinking after I dropped him off at the terminal and the first day it wasn't too bad but I had noticed the panic attacks were kicking in again. When I drink they come in full force. Damn disease I swear. So I took a pill that I just was prescribed to help with the anxiety and itching thing I have. Not sure what the heck happened but I freaked out and don't remember too much. The panic attacks were nonstop and I couldn't get out of it seemed. I ticked off several people who I didn't make plans with and then had my friend tell me how concerned she was for me. You know the kinda call that doesn't sink in because you are so wasted.

Well I got up this morning resenting my drinking and dumped out the bottle and on my way again. I spent 8 hours of violent puking and am too nauseaus to eat. This is the part of drinking I hate the most....The drying out part. I was over the withdrawal in about 3 days last time so I hope I do ok this time.

My hubby is stuck in England and this european air travel lockdown is killing me. I haven't heard from him at all and the last message was that he was trying to get home this morning. Obviously not going to happen and I have no real way to contact him.

I know my drinking kicked in the 1st day because my dog ran off and felt completely helpless. Every negative thought came to mind and my hubby's squadron just sucks plain and simple. You would think they would take care of the families but no they don't. I also reached out for help through the military on the drinking and they weren't seeing dependents.

I know this is so long winded but i deleted my facebook and haven't heard from a soul since my breakdown yesterday. Now that I am sober i can think clearly but I do ask all of you to pray for me. I dumped out those pills to since I want be completely clean and will discuss what happened with my doctor.

I found support here from people who can relate and it is so hard here since people are totally in denial about the addictions and rampant depression with the military spouses.

Its funny but on one hand I feel like a failure but on the other is the fact I am willing to accept responsibility for my actions and do something about this problem.

My dr. told me that alcoholics just can't have one or stop on their own. It is a disease and I can not control it. I just can't drink period.

I so need strength and my hubby is my rock but he is gone. Sorry for this being so longwinded. I had to let it out.

Here is to a sober day!!

Kim
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Old 04-16-2010, 12:15 PM
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Hi Kim,

I think that alcoholism makes us feel so lost and alone. But, there is lots of support here. You can stay sober and do it for yourself. You are worth it!
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Old 04-16-2010, 12:36 PM
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Hi Kim. I do agree that this can make you feel so lonely and so desperate. The good side is that you don't have to trudge through it anymore. Did the doctor help you with the anxiety in any way? I know my anxiety went away after I stopped drinking. I will tell you that our problems are much bigger when we drink, but you know that. Its not easy for sure, but it can be done. You can do it. Turn to SR for support and not the bottle.

My husband used to travel and I would drink a lot more while he was gone. It didn't help the loneliness because I drank by myself in our house. This is before my son was born. The loneliness was 10xs worse when I would drink because I would isolate even more. Didn't want people to know. Nothing improves with that bottle although it will tell you differently.

Again, turn to us. There's always someone around here.
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Old 04-16-2010, 01:25 PM
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Good for you for starting over. Never give up. YOu can do this and please know you have our support. Come here and post if you feel tempted. Stay sober one minute, one hour, one day at a time. You CAN do this. :ghug3
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Old 04-16-2010, 01:40 PM
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Welcome back kmber - like others have said, there's always someone here at SR

A recovery group for that face to face support - like AA, but there are others too - could be another option perhaps?

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Old 04-16-2010, 01:47 PM
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Glad you posted here and you are trying again!! I was ust wondering about the pills you took, what were they, if they were perscribed by the doctor to help with anxiety you could probably still take them. Though if it's a benzo then that's addictive and not good. Probably the reason you had panic attacks after you took them is meds don't work well with alcohol , it can make them not effective. If your anxiety stops when stopping drinking that is good, but if not I would go to the doc for some help.
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Old 04-16-2010, 05:22 PM
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I took hydroxyzine for the itching and the anxiety. I swear I had never felt that bad before every. I mean I can do serious damage with a 5 liter box of wine and hadn't even drank that much but at the end of day 2 I was out of it like a zombie. I couldn't talk because my tongue had become so swollen and was so dry. I was confused, disoriented and have no clue what I was saying to people. Just awful and then when I woke up, I must have spent 8 hours violenting shaking and puking my brains out. I couldn't hold anything down and even now still am nauseas but its getting better. All I know is that I made a huge mistake drinking and of course starting a new med.

I just hope I get some word from hubby so I can get relief but no worries as I am not touching the bottle and tossed those pills. My hubby is allergic to lexapro and many years back after his divorce he was prescribed the pill to handle the anxiety and had a seizure and literally stopped breathing. He knows first hand how we can turn to drinking to get through rough patches but he got over it and moved on. This is why I feel so safe with him because he understands what it is like. He rarely drinks now anyways but he is so non judgmental and doesn't sit up on his throne like some people will do if they find out you have a dependency issues.

It is funny and i wonder if anyone else felt this way......when I quit drinking in January, nobody really noticed or knew. When I told my Dad he was rather blase about it. He was one who harped on me for the longest time to quit and then he was ho hum. When he found out I relapsed he was all over me in such a way it was mocking and critical. I felt awful and seriously don't think I have support from him. I guess I remember those who are supportive when the chips are down and I was so angered by him. Its like tell me something I don't already know.

Ok guys....again I am rambling here but it helps me and having SR is how I quit before so this is the best support for me. Posting on my journey is key for me.

Thanks all!!! Kim
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Old 04-16-2010, 06:56 PM
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Hi Kim,

I can relate to not feeling like I had support from my family when I stopped drinking but I know now it was because there was no real belief that I was going to stay stopped. The only time staying stopped worked for me is when I stopped drinking for myself, not for my family or anyone else. Not saying that this is your experience, just relating my own.

As if alcohol in and of itself isn't enough of a depressant, drinking on top of already feeling depressed, as you know, is not the answer to loneliness.

Pls do see your dr. Not sure what meds you were on, but stopping some meds abruptly could have seizure consequences. And mixing most meds with alcohol is like igniting a liquid timebomb, so pls do consult your dr.

I'd also agree that any kind of face-2-face support, especially with sober women who are in your situation, would be very, very helpful. In the meantime and anytime though, we're here for you. Pls take care of yourself.
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Old 04-16-2010, 07:34 PM
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Hey Kim! Welcome to SR. I hope you read around the site.....lots of good people here.
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Old 04-16-2010, 08:19 PM
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Thank you guys so much. I agree completely about the reasons for stopping and who we do it for. I did it for myself and was surprised that I didn't get the reaction I had expected from my Dad. When I injured my ankle....I became depressed and down on myself. I don't have a history of depression or anything but developed anxiety and panic attacks a few years back when I went through a divorce with my ex. It was brutal and well I spoke with a Dr. here who looked at my journey over the past several years and completely understood the anxiety. I divorced after 9 years and then remarried my wonderful husband and moved to Germany. After starting anew, I then moved here where I can't find a job and for about 7 months wasn't driving due to red tape on my status. My husband and I have been through so much in a short time and he knew that I had been drinking after my divorce. I came here and just felt so isolated and have had falling out with many family members, etc. because of it. I guess I was helping out family members financially after my divorce and by moving here I was cutting off the supply if you know what I mean.

It has just been a whirlwind over the past few years from leaving one life and coming to a completely new one. My hubby works extremely longs hours and once I got here...well I kicked up the drinking. Alone in the house all day not be able to find work and if you do the pay is atrocious. I have met some really crummy people here and that has been hard too and some that are good but they have their own issues they are handling. It seems over here almost every spouse is on some kind of pill or something. I have spent so many chats listening to their problems but when I have my own then they cut me off if you will.

I am 26 hours without a drink but I just had a panic attack hit me from out of the blue. I didn't do anything and I hate feeling like this. I don't need an anti-depressant but I would really like something effective for this attacks. You know the kind that hit you like a brick and you can't breath and feel like your drowning. My dr. thinks I am amazingly strong to have done all I have done over the past few years but the lonliness here is just killing me. I am not on any permanent medication just the hydroxyzine for the scratching as needed and some meds for my ankle. Stopped all pills after this week.

I am praying the attacks stop but I am thinking about what brought them on. I have had them straight for four days now and can only think of being housebound with my foot and starting to drink rum/coke again. I just started but maybe that is why they came back in combination with the being in the house. Since my divorce and moving here I have had massive control/identity issues you know. Wanting to do things myself because I know what can happen when someone wakes up one day and decides they don't want to be married to you. With my sweet hubby is more of that fact that he might not come home one day or something will happen to him due to the nature of his job. I feel guilty for feeling that way which just makes things worse. My dr. thinks these are completely normal things to feel and I have just left one life to start another in a foreign country as a new military spouse. I think i am normal but I meet with him this week and I will discuss what happened and hopefully work on the what brought the attacks back and how to handle them.

I won't drink again my friends. I know this to be true because I see how good things were sober and how my life was improving. I was working on my grad degree and waiting to get final paperwork approved to work on base. Then wham....I injure my ankle and I can't even get to the store. I gave in to feeling depressed which is where I was wrong. Wanting to escape the frustration and shame on me since I knew the effects drinking had on me.

I just wish hubby would call me and let me know some idea when he will be back. Also, hearing his voice and knowing he forgives me for my relapse will make me feel tons better. I just hate feeling alone and this is the crap that happens when they send him on a mission.

So sorry for this long post but it is the best I can do to let it out on this journey. Detoxing and having wicked panic attacks all alone is very hard to do and I just keep praying for the strength.

Thank you all so much and God Bless SR for being here.

Kim
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Old 04-16-2010, 08:41 PM
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Hey Kim! I just wanted to advise you a little bit about the hydroxyzine. I just got out of inpatient treatment 8 days ago. I went in after trying to "dry out" after my relapse binge, at home, alone. I made it about 18 hours before I was doing the same as you - not even able to keep sips of water down and shaking like a leaf. When I finally got admitted, I was already 24 hours sober. Between 1pm that day and 9am the next day, they gave me 4 doses of Valium and 200mg of Trazodone to help with sleep. The next afternoon, they started me on 100mg of Hydroxyzine. I don't know how much your dosage is/was, but my experience with the first 48-100 hours of withdrawal and being able to have the hydroxyzine as often as every four hours, the process was much more comfortable than my previous attempts. By that very next evening (so, getting close to 40 hours in), I was even able to keep a bit of solid food down (and milk! )

100mgs of Hydroxyzine might sound like a high dose, but two different doctors there assured me it was a safe dose, and since it was effective without making me pass out, they were thrilled for me.

Also, it has been my experience that the first 100 or so hours are the worst, give or take 5 hours. After that, you should start feeling slightly more like your old, sober self, and definitely more stable.

I hope this is helpful for you in one way or another. I wish you all the best and you'll be in my thoughts.
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Old 04-16-2010, 08:54 PM
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Thank you for sharing that with me. Something to take the edge off would be great and last time hubby was here to see me through the first few days of shakes, nausea and that stuff. I know it will get better but being alone is just so hard. Yeah I definitely dehydrated and more or less vomited my way through yesterday with some juice. i know my body not having proper nutrients (haven't eaten in about 4 days) and the tons of caffeine from the soda certainly made the attacks worse. Keep in mind we don't have anything here except the ER. Going in there like this while hubby is gone is not good and its not like they will just give me something to help me rest. Probably contact the commander since hubby is on a mission and then this becomes a problem for him and I don't want to do that. I have the hydroxyzine but am not sure if it by itself will be ok to take since my experience this week. I reached out for treatment back in January since I didn't know what to expect going clean but they wouldn't see me here since they are only seeing active duty. I do wish I had something to take the edge off and wish I had someone here with me.
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Old 04-16-2010, 08:55 PM
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Old 04-16-2010, 09:04 PM
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You have me Kim!
Do you have a multi-vitamin in the house? How about a b-complex one, you know, one that has B1, B2, B6, and B12? I know both are very beneficial after not being able to keep food down for days and getting dehydrated. Start lowering the lighting now too - you know, mood lighting, lol. If you're worried about the anxiety meds backfiring and actually causing you more anxiety, you could instead try a high dose of Benadryl. For allergy and whatnot relief, you're supposed to take 50mg. For some people, this dose is enough to also have a calming and drowsy effect. Since you're going through withdrawal, 75mg would be well within the safe zone and probably give you a good solid couple of hours of relief, and might help you fall asleep (and stay asleep too!).

For bed tonight, I recommend wearing socks - 'cause you'll likely either get hot flashes or chills, or both - and having covered feet helps the body normalize faster after experiencing such extremes. Have a heavy blanket you can pull up if you get the chills/shudders, and have a glass of ice melting away on your nightstand. As it melts, you'll get ice-cold water to drink if you're getting the hot flashes.

You're not alone Kim! SR is a great place to be, and probably one of the best for you right now

Hang in there, and I'll be thinking about you and checking in tonight and tomorrow!
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Old 04-16-2010, 09:19 PM
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Thanks again guys!!! I love SR because of the fantastic support. We are all different and have had different experiences but the constant is the fact that we are not judged. I have quit cold turkey before and will do it again. Considering how I was a closet every night drinker, I was amazed that my withdrawals were 100 times worse. I just know here that we don't have for spouses the treatments that we have back in the states. Also, we can have people question or be concerned but doing something that my directly affect hubby's job or status here with his commander (ie: my showing up at the ER for alcohol withdrawal and have taken pills) wouldn't go over well. I would rather people think I am a bitch or a bit out there then to have them know what happened as people are quick to tag it to the active duty's career. I won't do that to him.....

You make an excellent point on the vitamins and B12. I have those and I am going to take them. I was religious about taking them when I quit before and my Dr. said to keep up on those because of the thiamin deficiency.

I so love having you guys here. I can post whenever I need to and I know someone out there is reading. I think the most important part of staying sober is your personal commitment to staying sober and having support. Those that you can talk to and help you see it through.
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Old 04-16-2010, 09:57 PM
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I hear ya - peer addicts/alcoholics and the comradeship that can be found in groups, both online and in person, are a major cornerstone in my recovery.

I hope the best for you Kim, and I hope you have a restful night. If you get restless, get back to browsing SR. Go check out the arcade, lol.

Take care!
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Old 04-17-2010, 07:49 AM
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Today is definitely better that is for sure. Unexplained panic attacks keep happening and I guess not hearing again from hubby is stressing me out. No one calls me (like right now I so just need to talk and be busy) but I guess they are leaving me to deal with my issues or maybe they are trying to focus on their own as well. All of my military spouse friends here have various problems from depression, issues with their families, marriage, children, etc. Some are deployed, etc. so everyone has a bag I guess. The veteran spouses are smart and have social groups but I have shy'd from those since they end up being a gossip bitch fest. I kinda brought this to myself I suppose but I so miss my hubby now I can't tell you how much I stare at the clock and wonder how to make it through.

If there was good news I offically had my first real shower (since my ankle injury) and washed the dog, ran errands on base and cleaned. Did I feel better - YES. Being out and part of life felt nice. I have only been out of the house maybe 2x in the past 2 weeks and I am sure that is what is definitely driving the panic attacks. I haven't had the shakes after the 1st day but anxiety is off the wall. I still feel so alone.

Sent messages to my friends and apologized and explained what happened. I told them about the panic attacks and my relapse and told them I was back on the wagon. No word from them but the way I see it is that I have forgiven them as well many a time and i hope they do with me.

Since I had hubby with me last time I guess I right now have such a need to not be alone. You could tell me you had cleaning party and I would go. One friend is having her bday party tonight but I am not ready all that nor do I want to even look at alcohol as I will surely vomit.

Ok I am rambling again here sorry but today is an improvement. I grabbed gatorade for my dehydration and even had some tomatoes - 1st food in 5 days. I know the nutrients will help but being so stressed and worried just pours acid on the belly and I have no desire. I had to kinda force it down.

Thanks for being here guys and letting me post. It definitely helps to talk it out and with hubby gone and no word from him and no phone calls from ANYONE I feel so damn alone. I even am wacking out that hubby isn't calling me because he probably wants a divorce. I mean that is the stage of anxiety I am at and it is killing me. I just need that comfort and its ok to feel better but I feel in limbo with everybody and I am sure that is partially the withdrawal. Not sure on that one though.
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Old 04-17-2010, 08:00 AM
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Welcome back ...to SR and to sobriety....
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Old 05-15-2010, 11:24 PM
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I wanted to post my original thread so I can update everyone that I have held firm and tight and am now 30 days sober. Did I just type this? Seriously?

I have made night and day changes in my life and only through sobriety are my panic attacks gone, depression, etc. I am working!! Toying with restarting my grad classes and basically taking care of myself. Oh and I just volunteered yesterday. I am embracing my recovery and living my life to its fullest one day at a time.

Thank you SR for being here for me and as I continue my journey, I hope my experiences may help others as well.
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Old 05-15-2010, 11:36 PM
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Great Job Kmber2010!!! I relapsed on New Year's eve after being sober for 10 months. This disease is insanely cunning and baffling and is not easy. This time around, like you, I had to make night and day changes in my life. One of the harder things for me to understand was that maybe I needed to fall (relapse) in order to be where I am at this moment. I might not have the 10 months anymore but I am much wiser in my strategy in dealing with alcoholism. I'm glad to see that you decided to get back on the horse and that you recognize what didnt work and made changes.
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