Thank you guys so much. I agree completely about the reasons for stopping and who we do it for. I did it for myself and was surprised that I didn't get the reaction I had expected from my Dad. When I injured my ankle....I became depressed and down on myself. I don't have a history of depression or anything but developed anxiety and panic attacks a few years back when I went through a divorce with my ex. It was brutal and well I spoke with a Dr. here who looked at my journey over the past several years and completely understood the anxiety. I divorced after 9 years and then remarried my wonderful husband and moved to Germany. After starting anew, I then moved here where I can't find a job and for about 7 months wasn't driving due to red tape on my status. My husband and I have been through so much in a short time and he knew that I had been drinking after my divorce. I came here and just felt so isolated and have had falling out with many family members, etc. because of it. I guess I was helping out family members financially after my divorce and by moving here I was cutting off the supply if you know what I mean.
It has just been a whirlwind over the past few years from leaving one life and coming to a completely new one. My hubby works extremely longs hours and once I got here...well I kicked up the drinking. Alone in the house all day not be able to find work and if you do the pay is atrocious. I have met some really crummy people here and that has been hard too and some that are good but they have their own issues they are handling. It seems over here almost every spouse is on some kind of pill or something. I have spent so many chats listening to their problems but when I have my own then they cut me off if you will.
I am 26 hours without a drink but I just had a panic attack hit me from out of the blue. I didn't do anything and I hate feeling like this. I don't need an anti-depressant but I would really like something effective for this attacks. You know the kind that hit you like a brick and you can't breath and feel like your drowning. My dr. thinks I am amazingly strong to have done all I have done over the past few years but the lonliness here is just killing me. I am not on any permanent medication just the hydroxyzine for the scratching as needed and some meds for my ankle. Stopped all pills after this week.
I am praying the attacks stop but I am thinking about what brought them on. I have had them straight for four days now and can only think of being housebound with my foot and starting to drink rum/coke again. I just started but maybe that is why they came back in combination with the being in the house. Since my divorce and moving here I have had massive control/identity issues you know. Wanting to do things myself because I know what can happen when someone wakes up one day and decides they don't want to be married to you. With my sweet hubby is more of that fact that he might not come home one day or something will happen to him due to the nature of his job. I feel guilty for feeling that way which just makes things worse. My dr. thinks these are completely normal things to feel and I have just left one life to start another in a foreign country as a new military spouse. I think i am normal but I meet with him this week and I will discuss what happened and hopefully work on the what brought the attacks back and how to handle them.
I won't drink again my friends. I know this to be true because I see how good things were sober and how my life was improving. I was working on my grad degree and waiting to get final paperwork approved to work on base. Then wham....I injure my ankle and I can't even get to the store. I gave in to feeling depressed which is where I was wrong. Wanting to escape the frustration and shame on me since I knew the effects drinking had on me.
I just wish hubby would call me and let me know some idea when he will be back. Also, hearing his voice and knowing he forgives me for my relapse will make me feel tons better. I just hate feeling alone and this is the crap that happens when they send him on a mission.
So sorry for this long post but it is the best I can do to let it out on this journey. Detoxing and having wicked panic attacks all alone is very hard to do and I just keep praying for the strength.
Thank you all so much and God Bless SR for being here.
Kim