Kmber2010

I had 3 months down and was feeling quite good. The panic attacks and massive anxiety blah blah went away when I quit cold turkey in January. Well in the recent weeks I started back on the rum again. Nowheres near what I was consuming prior but nonetheless got back on it. I had taken a nasty fall a few weeks back and have been housebound and on crutches. Sitting in and being dependent on my hubby for everything is tough. He is active duty military and we are stationed overseas. I guess I needed help to get things done and I didn't really want to ask for it you know. I have other spouses who have it much worse then me (deployments, etc.) and well they offered help and I say great at the time then get off the phone and feel sorry for myself.

I just came off a 2 day binge because my hubby went on a short term mission. I couldn't really walk the dog and just feel so damn alone over here. I started drinking after I dropped him off at the terminal and the first day it wasn't too bad but I had noticed the panic attacks were kicking in again. When I drink they come in full force. Damn disease I swear. So I took a pill that I just was prescribed to help with the anxiety and itching thing I have. Not sure what the heck happened but I freaked out and don't remember too much. The panic attacks were nonstop and I couldn't get out of it seemed. I ticked off several people who I didn't make plans with and then had my friend tell me how concerned she was for me. You know the kinda call that doesn't sink in because you are so wasted.

Well I got up this morning resenting my drinking and dumped out the bottle and on my way again. I spent 8 hours of violent puking and am too nauseaus to eat. This is the part of drinking I hate the most....The drying out part. I was over the withdrawal in about 3 days last time so I hope I do ok this time.

My hubby is stuck in England and this european air travel lockdown is killing me. I haven't heard from him at all and the last message was that he was trying to get home this morning. Obviously not going to happen and I have no real way to contact him.

I know my drinking kicked in the 1st day because my dog ran off and felt completely helpless. Every negative thought came to mind and my hubby's squadron just sucks plain and simple. You would think they would take care of the families but no they don't. I also reached out for help through the military on the drinking and they weren't seeing dependents.

I know this is so long winded but i deleted my facebook and haven't heard from a soul since my breakdown yesterday. Now that I am sober i can think clearly but I do ask all of you to pray for me. I dumped out those pills to since I want be completely clean and will discuss what happened with my doctor.

I found support here from people who can relate and it is so hard here since people are totally in denial about the addictions and rampant depression with the military spouses.

Its funny but on one hand I feel like a failure but on the other is the fact I am willing to accept responsibility for my actions and do something about this problem.

My dr. told me that alcoholics just can't have one or stop on their own. It is a disease and I can not control it. I just can't drink period.

I so need strength and my hubby is my rock but he is gone. Sorry for this being so longwinded. I had to let it out.

Here is to a sober day!!

Kim