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Don't know if I want to recover

Old 01-04-2010, 06:40 AM
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Worn out by booze
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Don't know if I want to recover

I have been a member here now since 2008 and I originally joined with the hope of ditching my binge episodes.

Well, I started to get ahold of things in 2009......and then my world collapsed. My FiancÚ left me (for reasons other than drinking I should point out), I lost my job (again, for reasons unrelated to drinking) and I am now, at 32, having to live with my parents as I can't afford to return to my apartment without a job (I have tenants there).

In short my life has not been wrth living and I am so down and depressed. I have lost everything that mattered to me, especially my partner. She was the best thing that had ever happened to me and now that she is not around and I no longer have the life that we had I am utterly destroyed.

Course, what was my solution to the start of all this? Yup, it was time for the bottle. After I returned to my parents' house I started smuggling beers and bottle of wine so that I could drink in solitude in my old childhood bedroom. There was nothing for me to live for so why not just do what made me forget everything.

For two months, pretty much daily, I have been binge drinking. I have a high tolerence and do not get hangovers. I just get withdrawals if I carry on for too many days. I can drink anything from a few beers to two to three bottles of wine, or from time to time, a good few glasses of whiskey.

I have not drunk like this in a long time.

Here's the problem I have, if I don't get out of this and don't stgop trying to ignore the problems in my life I will be stuck in this cycle for ages. Trouble is that I don't know where to start. I promised myself that I would start by avoid the drink for at least 3 months this year while I got in shape and generally improved my mood.

Well, today is day one and I am depressed as hell. Without the drink there is nothing to enjoy each day as I have no future. I also feel mentally exhausted and m not sure I have the energy to do with. At least during previous binges I knew I had to stop afetr a few days as otherwise things would be in jeopardy. With those things now gone I am struggling to see what the point of it all is.
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Old 01-04-2010, 07:07 AM
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Originally Posted by ElChupacabra View Post
Trouble is that I don't know where to start. .
I can only imagine how many AA meetings there must be in London. If you really mean it, let your feet do the talking?
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Old 01-04-2010, 07:19 AM
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If I were you I would be asking, "Does drinking make the problems better?" "Did it make your partner come back?" "Did it get your job back?"

The problem when we stop drinking is that life doesn't stop happening. The longer you are sober and active in recovery the more you grow and learn to handle the outcomes of life. The more you stay in your active addiction the more you stayed in a stalled state of affairs.

Drinking doesn't solve the problems, but I can promise you it will make the problems worse. Depression and anxiety are heightened with drinking. Become sober and learn to control your thoughts and through controlling your thoughts life improves or at least that's been my experience.
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Old 01-04-2010, 07:36 AM
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Things are not going to get better if you do nothing but continue to hurt yourself. You are going through a very difficult time right now, and there are many people who can help you out since they have been through or are going through the same thing. You need to learn to deal with these things in a healthy manner. Please remember that no one is given anything he/she cannot handle through a Higher Power, and that thinking long-term and short-term are two very different things. You are very worth it and are never alone!
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Old 01-04-2010, 07:56 AM
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ElChupacabra in regards to being depressed, alcohol is a depressant, the crazy thing is when we quit drinking we become even more depressed, I feel that the main reason is drinking for me was the solution for life, when I quit drinking I had no solution for anything, as a result I became extremely depressed.

As far as sobriety goes I have found doing nothing, aka "Just not drinking" made my life a living hell, I needed solutions for things and the only solution I knew was drinking, so there I sat, wanting a drink so bad, doing NOTHING except not drinking.

I did find a solution for life and people to help support me and guide me in AA. I can tell you that the first 10-15 AA meetings I went to I got very little out of except some relief from the insanity while I was in a meeting or talking to an AA person on the phone.

The solution I found in the 12 steps AA which are the program of AA which my sponsor took me through, I found Experience, Strength, & Hope in the fellowship of AA in applying those 12 steps to my every day life. I also found friends & people who were there for me no matter what! These people accepted me for who I was no matter what.

Have you tried AA or any other recovery program?

What ever program you may have chosen did you WORK it daily every day for 90 days?

Sobriety is an ACTION deal, not an inaction of simply not drinking, you see those who have found recovery have taken a great deal of actions to recover, they did not simply not drink, we have found that drinking is but a symptom of our problems, not our sole or even main problem.
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Old 01-04-2010, 08:03 AM
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You should be depressed. I was too when I was hiding in my room and drinking....which I did. Your story is not unlike a lot of ours.

It's up to you to quit, you already know that. No one is going to talk you into it. There is help if you want it. IF you want it.

I wish you peace.
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Old 01-04-2010, 03:23 PM
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Welcome back ElChupacabra,

I'm sorry for the trouble in your life - but if you're depressed, see a counsellor.
Drinking will not only keep you there, it will make it worse...

You need change El C...and all drinking does is commits you, over and over, to the status quo.

D
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Old 01-04-2010, 03:34 PM
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That sucks that your fiance left and you lost your job, drinking won't change anything though and will more than likely prevent you from finding another job and/or another partner, and as you are witnessing it's depressing as all get out. Your very fortunate that you have parents that allow you to live there and just get drunk in your room all the time, if you were my son I'd probably kick you out the door. If you can't get your act together on your own then you need to drag yourself or be dragged to a rehab or AA meeting or something. I'd be willing to bet if you'd at least make a call to AA somebody would be out to get you to a meeting pronto. Don't punish your parents they likely don't deserve that.
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Old 01-04-2010, 03:43 PM
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Originally Posted by ElChupacabra View Post
In short my life has not been wrth living and I am so down and depressed. I have lost everything that mattered to me, especially my partner. She was the best thing that had ever happened to me and now that she is not around and I no longer have the life that we had I am utterly destroyed.
Lotta good stuff shared here already, I can't add much. I love a line that Taz shared....Sobriety is an ACTION deal, not an inaction of simply not drinking. Totally sums up the recovery process for me, it's constant action.

The day my ex announced she was done with me was the day I committed myself to sobriety, I knew that if I kept on drinking my dysfunctional relationships would be an endless cycle. Even in recovery I'm capable of being an a**hole in a relationship, I just do it without the alcohol. Bottom line for me though....drinking will improve nothing. I use my program of recovery in AA and also my church to work on myself and my behavior.

The Big Book of AA has some awesome wisdom for every alcoholic, of course the only way I gain from it is to pick it up and read it. The first 164 pages are great, it's all good, but being a divorcee and parent I especially appreciate the chapters "To Wives" and "The Family Afterward". I'd like to share a couple paragraphs from page 98.....

Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.
Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.


(Big Book quote from the 1st edition of Alcoholics Anonymous)
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Old 01-04-2010, 03:56 PM
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Originally Posted by ElChupacabra View Post
Here's the problem I have, if I don't get out of this and don't stgop trying to ignore the problems in my life I will be stuck in this cycle for ages.
Translation:

"Here's my problem, if I keep drinking and keep trying to ignore the problems in my life I will keep drinking indefinately."

Sorry if this is too technical or deals a bit too much with symantics. It's just that sometimes we miss that which is in our face and staring us down. There's a reason for why the phrase "vicious cycle" was coined. Breaking the cycle involves confronting problems and reaching solutions. I know it's hard. You're in a really tough spot right now and it seems like there's no way out. But there is. Within you lies the power and ability to overcome your situation and turn things around. Face your problems beginning with the alcoholism. Once you stop that you will find that the other problems will be easier to deal with. Stopping drinking isn't just a "one shot" deal. It's ongoing. If you have a history of trying to stop, as I do, then there is a problem. Sometimes I look back on my "career" and I just shake my head and say to myself, "It's enough, Ken."

So start with stopping drinking. Make that your number 1 goal. Don't let all the other stuff compound the problem. Just focus on not drinking for now. In time, hopefully, you'll move out of your parent's house and get a place of your own. Perhaps you'll find another person to love as well. But just focus on stopping the drinking. That has to be the most important thing in your life for now. I know it is for me, every day.

God be with you.
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Old 01-04-2010, 04:04 PM
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Elchupacabra,

I am so sorry for your sadness. I used to drink alone, in hiding to numbout from my sadness too. I feel your pain, even though I have almost a month sober, it feels like I was just there.

I have been seeing a therapist and it is working wonders for me. Perhaps it could for you too.

One of the first things she had me think about was the difference between 'pain and suffering'. We all feel pain, you are there now. But we don't have to suffer in it. Drinking in my pain added pain and added suffering. I stopped drinking and I do feel better most of the time.

I wish only the best for you, kindred spirit.

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Old 01-04-2010, 04:24 PM
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Tazman wrote:
Sobriety is an ACTION deal, not an inaction of simply not drinking, you see those who have found recovery have taken a great deal of actions to recover, they did not simply not drink, we have found that drinking is but a symptom of our problems, not our sole or even main problem.
Can't say it better!
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Old 01-04-2010, 04:39 PM
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El C, The title of your post seems to indicate that you think you might want to stay this way and that recovery might not be for you. Do you really feel that way?
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Old 01-04-2010, 04:43 PM
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Hey man. It sounds like you are gonna need to get to an AA meeting because that may make you see that there is a way out by meeting fellow recovering alcoholics who were in similar situations and some who were undoubtably in much worse situations (there is ALWAYS someone worse off although of course it never seems like it when your in that despair yourself.)

You sound like you are struggling to see a way out at the minute and only have the activity of getting smashed to block out your depression in your days. Seeing that there is a way out in person and then taking down recovering alclholics numbers may help give you some hope.

What I found is that I have had to move the goalposts for what I can expect to get out of life at the moment. You have to 'live in the solution and not in the problem' ie- try to realise that that former life has now gone for good and that you can either wallow about it or accept the facts and try to put a strategy together to try to rebuild your life back up piece by piece remembering that your goalposts have changed so just keeping sober each day is your most important goal in life untill you can get out of the haze of the binging cycle and try to rebuild your life/career etc.

First and foremost though if you are to get anywhere you have to gain total acceptance of your condition ie- alcoholism, before you will be able to move onwards and upwards otherwise you will just be stuck in the same vicious cycle forever.

Get to an AA meeting to at least make a step ina forwards movement and if you think it's b*llocks then at least you tried. SR is also great but I think untill you manage to see that there is a way out with your own eyes then it might not be enough IMO.

All the best.
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Old 01-04-2010, 04:57 PM
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Your title is your addiction talking to you. You probaly do want to recover but you cant stand the thought of not having your booze buzz and your best mate in your life.

I still have the odd wobble (LOL) where I start to get nostalgic about my old friend but I can not act upon any passing thoughts and most of it is actually not related to drinking per se, though the alcoholic mind is a crafty git so it ultimately is.

I remember as soon as that first beer was down I used to say to myself 'how can I ever give you up?' I love you!! I genuinely did love booze but I also hated what it was making me become and how addicted and like a slave I was to it. My alclholism also makes me consume drugs also once I take a drink so I was powerless over those and I used to think the same about my 'highs' when' it was just blissfull utter utopian oblivion. Didn't last though and it soon turned very dark and seedy. Just a total slave to reaching oblivion and it was just wrecking me.

I made the decision on 8.7.09 that enough was enough and I was not gonna take a drink again ODAAT. I braced myself for the tough times and did what i needed to do to make sure I don't take that first drink, because that the one that gets ya. Without that first drink, booze and drinking don't bother me too much as long as I keep doing my 'recovery' but if I was to take that first one then it would be all I ever thought about again and I would be back in the game and so getting hammered every weekend again.

I had enough of that hopelessness that you describe and lethargy and only by admitting defeat and living in the solution and not dwelling in the past am I able to move forwards positively. It ain't easy and can be incredibly frustrating and difficult at times but the rewards of not feeling how you describe and feeling hope for the future make it all worth it.
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Old 01-04-2010, 06:13 PM
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i wondered how you were doing..

reading through that reminded me of the slow downward spiral of my drinking history.

losing loved ones.......ending up at parents.....and then the street.
london....southampton....weymouth.......wandering around drinking and dying.

my problems seemed impossible to solve...i gotta get a place.....i gotta get a job.......i gotta eat right.....on and on and on.
at times i even thought i gotta get this drinking under control....lol.

alcohol distorted my perception to such an extent that i really thought it was a minor detail compared to the sh..t i was in.

id stop drinking if only i could get a break......i had lots of breaks but continued to drink.
there was no control........id lost the ability to see the truth.

the elephant i couldnt see was ALCOHOL.........every situation or scrape i was in was because of alcohol......
i managed to stop a few times but always returned to it......the awful history became a distant memory and i drank.
i was powerless........being led by the nose by booze..

no matter what i decided........booze always had the final word.
until i walk into aa nine years ago with an honest desire to quit.....for good.
id pis..ed around with aa for a while..........and always return to drinking.

meeting a guy whom talked alot about a program??.....
the program is the meetings right?.......wrong.
he introduced me to the program of recovery laid out in the form of twelve steps..
he told me i could recover.......and not drink again.......if i was prepared to take certain action.....

that was the start of a long journey with him.........working through the big book and spending time together discussing the next step and the action involved.....sometimes it was uncomfortable.....recently it been uncomfortable...but not like the suicidal thoughts i had in the last months of my drinking.

life got better pretty quick for me.......the fog lifted.
i had the imformation about alcoholism i needed and was working on the solutions..

i re-married in recovery......re-trained....got a decent job.
made amends to all those people id harmed..........and lots are still my friends.
regained contact with my daughter...
life began to mean something again.......

today i try to carry that message of recovery..action and the steps to drunks that wanna listen........like lots of others here do.
i hope you find the solution.......i found the 12 steps as a means to recover from my hopeless condition.......alcoholism.

if i can be of any help to you please feel free to pm me.
im not that far from london......in fact i was born in london.
god be with you.
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Old 01-06-2010, 11:46 PM
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Originally Posted by trucker View Post
i wondered how you were doing..

reading through that reminded me of the slow downward spiral of my drinking history.

losing loved ones.......ending up at parents.....and then the street.
london....southampton....weymouth.......wandering around drinking and dying.

my problems seemed impossible to solve...i gotta get a place.....i gotta get a job.......i gotta eat right.....on and on and on.
at times i even thought i gotta get this drinking under control....lol.

alcohol distorted my perception to such an extent that i really thought it was a minor detail compared to the sh..t i was in.

id stop drinking if only i could get a break......i had lots of breaks but continued to drink.
there was no control........id lost the ability to see the truth.

the elephant i couldnt see was ALCOHOL.........every situation or scrape i was in was because of alcohol......
i managed to stop a few times but always returned to it......the awful history became a distant memory and i drank.
i was powerless........being led by the nose by booze..

no matter what i decided........booze always had the final word.
until i walk into aa nine years ago with an honest desire to quit.....for good.
id pis..ed around with aa for a while..........and always return to drinking.

meeting a guy whom talked alot about a program??.....
the program is the meetings right?.......wrong.
he introduced me to the program of recovery laid out in the form of twelve steps..
he told me i could recover.......and not drink again.......if i was prepared to take certain action.....

that was the start of a long journey with him.........working through the big book and spending time together discussing the next step and the action involved.....sometimes it was uncomfortable.....recently it been uncomfortable...but not like the suicidal thoughts i had in the last months of my drinking.

life got better pretty quick for me.......the fog lifted.
i had the imformation about alcoholism i needed and was working on the solutions..

i re-married in recovery......re-trained....got a decent job.
made amends to all those people id harmed..........and lots are still my friends.
regained contact with my daughter...
life began to mean something again.......

today i try to carry that message of recovery..action and the steps to drunks that wanna listen........like lots of others here do.
i hope you find the solution.......i found the 12 steps as a means to recover from my hopeless condition.......alcoholism.

if i can be of any help to you please feel free to pm me.
im not that far from london......in fact i was born in london.
god be with you.
Thanks. I really appreciate what you have said.

I've decided to have another go at quitting this weekend. I am snowed in so can't go anywhere so I have a few days to go through feeling rough.

I went without the booze on Monday, but by Tuesday I failed again. However, I am feeling a little more motivated today than on Tuesday.

Once the booze is gone from my system I'll try and hit the gym.
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Old 01-06-2010, 11:54 PM
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Originally Posted by sunset2000 View Post
El C, The title of your post seems to indicate that you think you might want to stay this way and that recovery might not be for you. Do you really feel that way?
At times, yes. I just feel so low that I am not drinking for a buzz, I am using it to numb the pain and forget about my worries.

My drinking isn't a chemical dependancy issue. I do get withdrawals after sustained drinking (i.e days on end), but if I have not been drinking for a while and I have a night on the sauce I don't get any, so it's not like I hve been drinking every day for god know's when. Based on my own observations about myself I drink far more when I have a lot of stress. When I have been through periods of happiness I have not drunk, and indeed have not felt like drinking. It all comes when times are tough and then I get into a downward spiral where the booze makes the depression worse, so the following day I take a drink again to mask it out.....and this tends to go on until the daily drinking makes me feel bad, at which point I go through withdrawals and try and get on with my life again.

It's a cycle that repeats itself.

In the past three years I have had one stress after another and now I find myself in a difficult position. I suppose what in effect I am saying is that I am emotionally and physically exhausted and and having great difficulty in finding the motivtion to put down the bottle and pick up life again.
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Old 01-07-2010, 12:20 AM
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i'm 57 and 'depression' has been a part of my genetics..

..so i fully understand....even thou others who blame depression
as something we've created ourselfs..have not experienced it...
..i would not wish it upon,anyone..

..but..i know and you already know that,Alcohol does not help,maybe
sometimes..a little..alot..nothing...

..please stay on this site,,because it sure as 'hell',is helping me..ozy
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Old 01-07-2010, 03:02 AM
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It's called self medication El C.
I did it too - eventually I needed my 'medicine' 24/7.

There are better ways to deal with stress and tough times.
D
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