Don't know if I want to recover
I have been a member here now since 2008 and I originally joined with the hope of ditching my binge episodes.
Well, I started to get ahold of things in 2009......and then my world collapsed. My Fiancé left me (for reasons other than drinking I should point out), I lost my job (again, for reasons unrelated to drinking) and I am now, at 32, having to live with my parents as I can't afford to return to my apartment without a job (I have tenants there).
In short my life has not been wrth living and I am so down and depressed. I have lost everything that mattered to me, especially my partner. She was the best thing that had ever happened to me and now that she is not around and I no longer have the life that we had I am utterly destroyed.
Course, what was my solution to the start of all this? Yup, it was time for the bottle. After I returned to my parents' house I started smuggling beers and bottle of wine so that I could drink in solitude in my old childhood bedroom. There was nothing for me to live for so why not just do what made me forget everything.
For two months, pretty much daily, I have been binge drinking. I have a high tolerence and do not get hangovers. I just get withdrawals if I carry on for too many days. I can drink anything from a few beers to two to three bottles of wine, or from time to time, a good few glasses of whiskey.
I have not drunk like this in a long time.
Here's the problem I have, if I don't get out of this and don't stgop trying to ignore the problems in my life I will be stuck in this cycle for ages. Trouble is that I don't know where to start. I promised myself that I would start by avoid the drink for at least 3 months this year while I got in shape and generally improved my mood.
Well, today is day one and I am depressed as hell. Without the drink there is nothing to enjoy each day as I have no future. I also feel mentally exhausted and m not sure I have the energy to do with. At least during previous binges I knew I had to stop afetr a few days as otherwise things would be in jeopardy. With those things now gone I am struggling to see what the point of it all is.