Impurrfect

((((Least)))) you know people here don't judge you. You are your own worst critic.

I'm sorry you've been struggling and I'm sorry it's gotten to this point, but I agree with Dee...alcohol isn't the only answer but you have to be willing to try the other options.

And to answer your question? Yeah, I'm still gonna love you - drinking or not.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Lenina

Least,

Could it be the vicodin you were taking for your back pain that triggered the depression? Most of those type of drugs make me very depressed. As has been said, no one here judges you. Most of us have been through it ourselves.

I hope you can get some competent help from a professional. You'll be in my thoughts tonight extra.

Try to get some sleep. Please don't take drugs that aren't prescribed to you and don't order those drugs from the internet. You don't know what you may be getting.

Love,

Lenina

Hevyn

Dear least - we've seen you try to keep a lid on your boiling pot of misery for a couple days now. You just couldn't make it this time - but there will be another time. Another time when you'll feel stronger and better about your life. Another time when you won't give in to the little voice telling you it'll feel better if you can just get numb. We all know by now, the voice lies. Still - any one of us at any given time could succumb to that voice. I never feel that I have it made.

That hopeless/worthless feeling gets you every time. It doesn't seem to me that your meds are helping with that. As I said before, I thought you sounded much better lately, joking about your kids instead of being devastated by their behavior. I wish someone could help you get to the root of this so it wouldn't blindside you.

I'm glad you came here & held off for as long as you did. You have to stop seeing yourself as a failure. Failures don't even try to get well - they just wallow in their own misery and despair. You are trying to dig your way out, S. We've seen you get some serious sober time under your belt - you will again. Please keep talking to us.

(I appreciate all the replies here & love you all for the compassion you never fail to show.)

polkadot

I feel the same way today.. i feel like going to where i can get pills and just take so many that i feel NOTHING... i am sick of this icky feeling...i want to be numb and i miss it dang it....i do...but do i want to start over again and have my wonderful husband leave me...lose my home all i have for those damn pills to get numb....thisi too i pray shall passs i have been like this ALLLL day as well

polkadot

no reason to ask for forgiveness. u are loved and always accepted here. I love dogs and cats too and sometime well most the times better than people. We are human. flawed.. all striving together for one goal.... to stay sober. we are all a drink or a pill away for day one again honey. dont be hard on your self......

Lionne

Hello least, don't write a lot on your posts but I have been reading some of them-
Please believe those of us who say that you are loved and needed over here and that no one will judge you-ou are worthy of happiness ansd inner peace. Please allow yourself to forgive yourself, we are all human and sometimes we lose battles, even if we fight very hard. But here again, prooof that you are not a failure: You are not willing to give up. You can overcome this.
Please be good to yourself, and detox safely, if it's necessary even go to the ER. We all care about you, hugs,
S.

least

I am starting over with day one. I have to make it this time. I can't keep on failing. I don't want to live and die as a drunk. I want a better life than this. Thank you all for your love and concern. It means a lot to me.

(((hugs)))

c49

Sorry to see the pain you are in. You are not alone to cave into anxiety. I dont think I ever drank to get high, I drank to shut my anxiety down.

You cannot live with alcohol or ativan to get you through the day. Have you checked out the "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook"? Lots of tools in there.

I dont think anyone here is disappointed in you. Many of us know what you are feeling like. Your post have helped and inspired me!!

least

I'm paying for my mistake now with the awful withdrawal anxiety. I asked my shrink if he could help me get thru the first two days but he hasn't replied yet. It's my own damn fault. I deserve to feel this badly. I must be pretty stupid to have drank, knowing what would happen to me.

If anyone out there is thinking about drinking, don't do it. It's not worth it and going thru withdrawal is hell on earth. I should know, I've done it enough.

sphalerite

Thank you for these words least. I am so sorry for your pain, but would like you to know (without getting into a bunch of details) that you have really helped me to stay sober today.

KenL

Aww, ((((leasty)))). Ya know, helping others to stop drinking can be a really good thing. It acually has a dual effect in that by doing it you also keep yourself from drinking. Hearing other people's stories becomes a part of our story and then we don't feel so alone and despairing. There really is strength in numbers, especially for us who want to escape the grasp alcohol has on us. Hearing others' stories is particularly effective when it's 3D. By that I mean face to face. Friendships develop and their is a sense of support that can't be obtained by any other means.

The struggling you've experienced the past few days has helped me to abstain drinking for another day. Reading your experience has helped me stay sober for one more day.

So, thanks! I thought you should know.

bananagrrrl

Least, don't beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself.

You drank and now it is over with.

Bamboozle

Self-hate doesn't help, least. It might sound strange but all of that talk is self-abuse. I did the same for the longest time. One of the hardest things for me to do is to give myself a break. I still catch myself beating me up every now and again...but I've gotten much better at catching myself doing it....and then I cut myself some slack. I give myself a mental hug and I'm doing better for it.


Please give yourself a chance. We like you. We like you a lot.


Like D said there are good doctors and therapists out there. Be an advocate for your health and get the best care. Tell them what you need...over and again and if they won't listen dump them. There are good health care professionals out there.

least

I've dug myself into a hole with my drinking. THe withdrawal anxiety is kicking my @ss. I'm begging my shrink for a few ativan to get me thru the withdrawal. I can't go to detox cause there's no one here to take care of the dogs. I can't go to the ER cause I owe them a lot of money. I've dug myself into a hole and I'm trying to get out. I'm waiting to hear back from my shrink's office if he will help me. I am SO SORRY I caved in to the urge to drink. I know better but did it anyway. I must be the dumbest person on earth. I don't like myself at all right now. I'm ashamed and feel horrible, mentally and physically. I hope anyone reading this will stay sober today. Drinking is NOT worth it. I should have known better but guess I'm just stupid.

keithj

Least,

This is a lie that your brain is telling you. If I understand correctly, you've been sober for a number of months, and just recently drank? Most likely, you are not experiencing physical withdrawl symptoms. You don't need to detox from a few day relapse.

You most definitely are experiencing a physical craving for alcohol, coupled with all the anxiety and panic of a mental obsession.

There is a solution for all of this.

least

Well then, if it isn't withdrawal, it's the worst anxiety attack I've ever had.

Mariposa18

Least, all I can say is we are all here for you. Please be kind to yourself~ Take a warm bath, drink some tea or hot chocolate, maybe that will soothe the anxiety a bit.

keithj

That may well be true, my friend. Every time I succumbed, yet again, to picking up a drink after some time away from it, I was almost immediately driven by an overwhelming panic and anxiety to keep drinking.

I thought it was just a one time, one day thing, and I'd get back on track with sobriety the next day. It never worked like that for me. Instead, the next day was filled with panic. And I mean real, can't leave the house, can't answer the phone, feel like my head will explode, panic.

I believe this is what the BB is talking about in the Dr.'s Opinion where it mentions succumbing to the urge, starting up the physical craving again, and repeating this behavior over and over and over.

That book recommends, as the only solution to keep from this repetition, a spiritual awakening as the result of taking the Steps.

What happened to your Step work, least? You were cruising along for a while there.

least

I'm still working on making amends, tho it would be best for me if I went back to step one and admitted, again, how powerless I am over alcohol. I know how bad drinking is for me, so why I did it again is more than i can understand. I must really hate myself to put myself thru this hell again, especially when I know better. Time to go back to step one. I am completely powerless over alcohol and my life is a complete mess.

ANEWAUGUST

Least....

That obsession can kick in when we pick up that first drink. I know it all too well,
and need the face to face support I get in the rooms of AA.

Do you have a sponsor you could call?

((Hugs)) to you Least...hoping the anxiety passes soon...