Sorry to see the pain you are in. You are not alone to cave into anxiety. I dont think I ever drank to get high, I drank to shut my anxiety down.
You cannot live with alcohol or ativan to get you through the day. Have you checked out the "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook"? Lots of tools in there.
I dont think anyone here is disappointed in you. Many of us know what you are feeling like. Your post have helped and inspired me!!