Dear least - we've seen you try to keep a lid on your boiling pot of misery for a couple days now. You just couldn't make it this time - but there will be another time. Another time when you'll feel stronger and better about your life. Another time when you won't give in to the little voice telling you it'll feel better if you can just get numb. We all know by now, the voice lies. Still - any one of us at any given time could succumb to that voice. I never feel that I have it made.
That hopeless/worthless feeling gets you every time. It doesn't seem to me that your meds are helping with that. As I said before, I thought you sounded much better lately, joking about your kids instead of being devastated by their behavior. I wish someone could help you get to the root of this so it wouldn't blindside you.
I'm glad you came here & held off for as long as you did. You have to stop seeing yourself as a failure. Failures don't even try to get well - they just wallow in their own misery and despair. You are trying to dig your way out, S. We've seen you get some serious sober time under your belt - you will again. Please keep talking to us.
(I appreciate all the replies here & love you all for the compassion you never fail to show.)