firemama

I hate dial up, I guess that’s the country life.
I’m writing in reference to my last post on another thread. Unfortunately I had somewhat promised that I would not drink today. It is 2 o'clock now and honestly, I’m downright just pist off. What will one drink do to me? Remember I said I'd keep my kids awake.. Well now they are overtired, screaming, fighting and not sleeping. My dog ran away, I was outside cleaning the horse stall and the freakin moron backed up and I fell and that idiot continued to stand on my leg. Which is swollen and bruised now. My mother sends me an email saying she's praying for me. For what the hell for? I hate that woman with all I am, I need her to leave me alone, Prayer, she doesn't even know how, The Lord tells her its okay to drink, do drugs, have affairs because you know.. She has needs to. I fight with her all the time and we obviously dont know the same "God", mine gives me guilt and a conscience to what I believe is to make me better, whole other topic, but I have my own family, Im an adult. Just leave me alone.
My husband comes home, Im crying, and the ******* pours me a drink. Lets just say I ripped his head off and now I have a drink to pick up from the carpet, walls and windows. This isn't how this whole quitting thing was suppose to go. It was suppose to be easy, I have read so many threads and everyone must be stronger than I am because I don’t think I can do this. Maybe I'll just have wine, I hate it, because it doesn't give me that feeling fast enough. I’m so angry I want to just get on my knees, ask the Lord why me and do nothing but cry until I pass out.
I want this to stop, My stomach is in knots because I had stupidly written that I wouldn't drink today... I need it now more than ever.

Is this what you all did? The day after your stomach hurts so bad you want it so much, your angry, sad, Why the hell is this happening. Its been a damn hour, its not even tonight yet. I want to quit now, this is sad. But maybe I can quit tomorrow? Just one more night???
Ugh,
whew, keep it between the lines.... gotta breathe.

vegibean

Easy? Us, stronger than you? firemama, if I could tell you how many of my days went like that.............. you are not alone.

BTW, I have been sober for two years now, however I do remember what it was like and I can tell you that you're not alone.

I don't believe I've read any of your other posts but I'm going to "suggest" what I do to all else.

Sponsor and working the 12 Steps. It does take work to get sober, and you'll get there. Keep reading and posting, we're here for ya. Be good to yourself.

smacked

Maybe it's time to get some help.

If recovery were easy for any of us, none of us would be 'here'. Getting and staying sober has been the HARDEST yet most WONDERFUL thing I have ever done in my life, for my life and for my family.

I "just one more"-d my way for many years.. practically to my death. You can decide to do the same, or you can decide to get some help.

A lot of us have personal and life demons to quell.. A lot of us here have had horrendous pasts, crazy home lifes, bad relationships with loved ones.. not every person with a ****** life decides to drink themselves to death.

I hope you decide at some point that you are worth more than losing yourself in alcohol, anger, resentment and hopelessness.

When I reached that point, I knew I needed to do something else.

pennylane2009

Don't drink, and keep coming here. And maybe go to the doctor and tell them what's going on? For the first few days after I quit, I felt like one giant nerve ending that was constantly being agitated. I was calm and peaceful WHEN EVERYONE LEFT ME THE HELL ALONE. Otherwise, watch out.

Don't drink today. You have to get through the hardest part to get to the good parts. If you drink today, you're going to have to do this hard part again tomorrow or two days from now or whenever. Promise yourself you'll stay sober for a week, and see how you feel at the end of the week.

Good luck. (P.S. -- I hate it when my mother says she's praying for me, too. WTF?)

firemama

vegibean, thank you for your post. I just did what I said I wouldn't do. I am having a drink and I feel better now. I just screwed myself to myself and to you all. Im so sorry. I broke down, Im so very sorry. I guess I do need help.
Im so sorry to all of you, I just broke. I think I've been trying to find excuses all day long, it wouldn't have mattered if my hair wouldn't brush, I think I would be right where I am. I feel horrible, I should have never written I'll not have one today. I feel horrible and sick right now.

firemama

I just had one shot, then read your other posts, Then I threw it up,

joedris

Whoa! I wanna meet the people who said that this was supposed to be easy. Introduce me to those folks who said that your experiences aren't the way recovery is supposed to go. So you've read a bunch of threads and it seemed like the rest of us were taking a leisurely walk in the park while the obsession just faded away while we were eating cotton candy? ********! Mama, this ain't easy! You allowed yourself to get into a situation where you're pissed at the world because you're having a hard time. It it's your Mama's fault for praying for you, although I may question your husband's giving you a drink. But perhaps that's all he knows how to do when you go bouncing off walls. Let me explain something here-you're angry and upset because you let yourself become that way. How you feel is your fault, no one elses.

You want to get on your knees and ask the Lord "Why me?" How about getting on your knees and asking the Lord "Please Help Me". Stop the pity party. You're not experiencing anything the rest of haven't gone through. (Well, ok, maybe the horse standing on your leg is sorta unique).

"Maybe I can quit tomorrow? Just one more night???" Suure! Go right ahead. Tomorrow you'll still be pissed. Your leg's gonna hurt. You're husband is now going to be totally confused, and you're going to have a hangover. Boy, that sounds so much better than what you're going through today.

You have to stop this foolishness of trying to get sober on your own. You need help. I would recommend AA as a starter, and if that doesnt work then find another program. There's a bunch out there. But try AA first, as it's been the most successful recovery program around for the past 74 years. And if you go to a meeting and don't like the crowd, go to a different meeting! But dammit, do something other that feeling sorry for yourself. Read my lips. "Recovery from addiction is hard! You have to work at it! Your Fairy Godmother isn't going to come by tonight and wave her magic wand!" Ask help from your higher power. Ask help from folks who've been there. Go to meetings, meet people like yourself and listen to them. Yeah, it's hard to get sober, but not impossible.

firemama

Abrupt but true! Thanks

joedris

Mama, You reached out for help and you got some. That's what this is all about. Drunks helping other drinks. Don't ever apologize for asking for help. I'll come in all shapes and forms, but you'll get the help you need. Start taking this this one day at a time, or even one hour at a time. Don't plan into the future, worry about now. And how about telling us that you didn't drink yesterday rather that you're not going to drink today? And even better, how about telling us about the AA meeting you went to?

firemama

ahhh, I actually liked you before, when you were telling me to basically kiss my own ass, lol.
But its much appreciated, After I wrote that post, I've been online trying to find an actual meeting somewhat close to the boondocks of where I live.
So far so good, But I gotta keep looking... Looks like the closest one is 45 miles from here... But Im willing to try it. Why not? What do I have to lose? I did not drink yesterday, obviously, but I got sick from the one shot I had today. It didn't taste right today, plus I was upset. It wasn't what I wanted.
My husband, haha. He knows it settles me down, he has no idea I have a problem. Yet that is... I gotta come clean and will when he gets home. The kind of man he is, He will pour everything down the drain and work with me. I just hate admitting defeat, lol. Guess kind of a woman thing.
I wasn't trying the whole pity party stuff, but I see how it came across that way... Huh, I should reread things a lot more.
That horse, ha. Stupid moron, I cut him on his alfalfa hay and grain because he's getting too fat, He needs to lose about 200 lbs and he's been pist for a couple days now, Apparently he didn't think I should be cleaning his stall. Thats what you get when you have show horses. Especially the stuck up quarter horse kind, lol...
Gotta get back to it,... I really like it when Im being yelled at, I got my butt in gear thats for sure. Thank you!
This mama I guess is gonna need all the help she can get! Oh yea, and its gonna be hell.

tigers13

Welcome firemama...it is NOT easy. I found the detox the hardest part on the beginning of my journey to recovery. I found that going thru a detox in a professional setting to be the easiest way out of the hell whole. Of course it took me 4 detoxes and 3 treatment centers to finally figure it out...like I said, it's not easy. If you're not able to check yourself into a place to help you detox, I suggest you speak with your doctor openly and honestly, he may be able to give you something to help.

Keep in mind that it IS possible. I'm really close now to 6 years clean...this is a miracle to me and I know I never could have done it on my own, and trust me, I tried so many times. Everytime you say "I'll do it tomorrow", then there will be another tomorrow that follows it.

I'm so glad you found this site, and if you do a lot of reading and posting, you will find people with stories not to far from your own.

Good luck hun, and keep coming back.

Boleo

I have not seen many threads that said "it was supposed to be easy" I have read hundreds of threads that described it as "the hardest thing I ever did".

In my case: I had to loose my job, my wife, my health, my savings, and end up on the streets homeless. I would not describe it as "easy" but it was exactly what I needed, to learn the meaning of "surrender".

It had nothing to do with being "stronger". It had everything to do with being defeated.

Dee74

It is hard - words cannot explain how hard....

*years* after a drink last made me feel 'better', it still screamed that lie into my ear...it was the hardest thing I ever did to ignore that and to do things differently - but it was also the best.

It's not about strength or willpower IMO - it's about acceptance - drinking does me harm.

It will kill me, and destroy my life and my spirit before it does.

Once you accept that - really accept that... the lies tend to lose their power.

It's gonna be tough - but you're not alone

Tell your husband, try a meeting....no more shots...
and keep posting

D

firemama

I think I might need to explain a little further, I meant that you all (or some) have already been through this and your happy now. You can see it by the way you all post, The ones that got through the hard times and the detox. You can see the happiness, and I want that. I want to be able to tell the next mommy, its okay, I've been there. I want to compare to someone else like you have already in my I think two days of being here, compared to me. This whole writing thing has made me feel so much better. To actually open up and realize that Im not the only one that has ever had it bad, Everyone here has. Some more than others, but when it comes down to it, Every single human being on the face of the earth has had problems. Its just a matter of dealing with it. I chose to deal with it in a very wrong way. I chose to numb myself from all my troubles because I dont want to face it, I dont want to see the light for what it truely is. I bury it down like many other people. The posts that I am refering to about its easy, Is the members here that are happy, and have been through it and it was successful for you. That makes me jealous, I dont understand and I feel like a failore, for now that is. Due to me being on this site, I have a craving now to be like many of you. I want it more than I want a drink. I want to be happy, I want to be right. I dont want to hide.
I didn't mean that I've seen posts where someone said this was a breeze, I can see the hurt and I cry over it, I feel so bad, I want to help. But I dont dare say a word because I need to help myself more than I help anyone else. I have always had this thing about helping others first, worry about me later. Well I think I might need to help myself first this go round. Then worry about the rest later.
Im sorry if it came across that everyone else has had it easy, because I know some have far worse than me, I've read so and it breaks my heart and think all I say is meaningless, You should be worrying about other people than writing on my stupid little thread. I see what came out of it, is what Im saying. I see the responses to the threads that make me cry and I want to be that person. But I have to work on me first. Then I hope to help.
By the way, I haven't had a drink at all, or thought about it tonight. I've been too busy reading and trying to find help. With my family there is no way I can be hospitalized, My doctor, lets just say, he doesn't know at all. This will come as a big shock. He thought I was the perfect little stuck up baptist church girl. I might need to make an appointment for something he thinks will help. I would rather not do this by means of pills, I think I need to open up about a lot of things, get out of the dark then it will make sense and I wont have to hide anymore and numb myself.
My husband came home, and lets just say, I brought tears to his eyes, I broke down and we hugged for what seemed like over an hour, He said he was so sorry but he didn't know I had a problem or felt like this. He is doing everything he can to give me what I need. He is out splitting wood at the moment, lol. I got so lucky, I love him so much. Yes, he poured everything down the drain and basically pounded his chest, said his peace and went outside to work, haha.... He said he's been here and he'll always be here for me. Right by my side through it all.
To tell the truth, thats all he needed to say. I feel good, I feel like Im actually somewhere.
Yay...

tallcactus

Good 4 U.
Now get 2 a meeting soon.
U R not alone. You will find many at the meeting in yourself. Focus on the similaries.
Stay strong, fight this madness. U do not want 2 hit a nasty bottom!
Appreaciate what U have now.

firestorm090

Welcome to SR firemama,

Each alcoholic has followed their own path to this group, and all have endured struggles in life that were compounded or created by their consumption of alcohol. You belong here, and you help others by sharing your story, your struggle and your resolve to change your life. Your story is just as important as the most successful among us, and your story helps the newcomer see the anguish and despair common among us after the first drink. It's always the first drink that gets us.

Welcome again to SR. The truth is we all need a boot in the rear sometimes to keep us going, but I can assure the hugs here are plentiful and healing as well. There is no right way to recover, it is a journey that entails all the joys and pain life has to offer, all of which help mold and shape us into a a better person. The struggle to overcome addiction in any form is the most difficult struggle most of us here will ever face. I wish it were easy, but the truth is I fight it every day and have now since February of this year, and still keep falling on my ass. I appreciate your honesty, for it helps me know I'm not alone and that you are not alone as well. That's the beauty of recovery, we do not have to do this alone, and drunks like me have no choice but to reach out to others and ask for help. You are on the right path, so stick around and help another drunk, because by doing so, you are helping yourself.

Anna

Stopping drinking was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

And, I didn't find happiness right away. It took time and patience and hard work.

Know that you can do this. We have all struggled as you are.

Getting rid of the alcohol in your house is a good idea.

You will find lots of support here, so keep reading and posting. I always find inspiration here.

vegibean

Remember that when going to an AA meeting the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. So don't let YOU stop you from going. Good Luck!!!