I think I might need to explain a little further, I meant that you all (or some) have already been through this and your happy now. You can see it by the way you all post, The ones that got through the hard times and the detox. You can see the happiness, and I want that. I want to be able to tell the next mommy, its okay, I've been there. I want to compare to someone else like you have already in my I think two days of being here, compared to me. This whole writing thing has made me feel so much better. To actually open up and realize that Im not the only one that has ever had it bad, Everyone here has. Some more than others, but when it comes down to it, Every single human being on the face of the earth has had problems. Its just a matter of dealing with it. I chose to deal with it in a very wrong way. I chose to numb myself from all my troubles because I dont want to face it, I dont want to see the light for what it truely is. I bury it down like many other people. The posts that I am refering to about its easy, Is the members here that are happy, and have been through it and it was successful for you. That makes me jealous, I dont understand and I feel like a failore, for now that is. Due to me being on this site, I have a craving now to be like many of you. I want it more than I want a drink. I want to be happy, I want to be right. I dont want to hide.
I didn't mean that I've seen posts where someone said this was a breeze, I can see the hurt and I cry over it, I feel so bad, I want to help. But I dont dare say a word because I need to help myself more than I help anyone else. I have always had this thing about helping others first, worry about me later. Well I think I might need to help myself first this go round. Then worry about the rest later.
Im sorry if it came across that everyone else has had it easy, because I know some have far worse than me, I've read so and it breaks my heart and think all I say is meaningless, You should be worrying about other people than writing on my stupid little thread. I see what came out of it, is what Im saying. I see the responses to the threads that make me cry and I want to be that person. But I have to work on me first. Then I hope to help.
By the way, I haven't had a drink at all, or thought about it tonight. I've been too busy reading and trying to find help. With my family there is no way I can be hospitalized, My doctor, lets just say, he doesn't know at all. This will come as a big shock. He thought I was the perfect little stuck up baptist church girl. I might need to make an appointment for something he thinks will help. I would rather not do this by means of pills, I think I need to open up about a lot of things, get out of the dark then it will make sense and I wont have to hide anymore and numb myself.
My husband came home, and lets just say, I brought tears to his eyes, I broke down and we hugged for what seemed like over an hour, He said he was so sorry but he didn't know I had a problem or felt like this. He is doing everything he can to give me what I need. He is out splitting wood at the moment, lol. I got so lucky, I love him so much. Yes, he poured everything down the drain and basically pounded his chest, said his peace and went outside to work, haha.... He said he's been here and he'll always be here for me. Right by my side through it all.
To tell the truth, thats all he needed to say. I feel good, I feel like Im actually somewhere.
Yay...