lunarise

I guess I wanted to have a thread where I can just talk about and address issues about my mom. Its hard to talk to other people about her because alot of people just don't understand addiction, I think you all will get it.

I watched an episode of Intervention last night. The episode was about a meth addict whose sons were planning an intervention. It really shook me for a variety of reasons. I could not believe the similarity between this woman and my mom. It wasn't their physical attributes but the look. There was this look that my mom would get when she was high, it was frightening, an angry look, like I was the source of all this anger. This woman on the show looked at her loving sons the same way my mom looked at me. I guess its the crazy in the drug that makes the look similar from person to person. It made me so sad. I remember somehow knowing...behind that look, in her eyes was this deep loneliness and pain. It still breaks my heart..... that I don't believe my mom ever got free from this drug and the alcohol. She has been gone for 3 years now, she was only 53 when she passed.

Does anyone else know what Im talking about? the look?

I will post stuff here from time to time about my mom..... thoughts...stories....feelings......

Hope I posted this in the right section...

louis

Hi....
Thankyou for sharing that with us.
I am sorry i dont really have any answers for you. I am not sure this is the same thing but... A friend of mine told me once... that when i drink and especially when i was in a (i think its called) functioning blackout i changed.. not my body or my speech but my eyes.... she told me my eyes looked with pure hate... i could be carrying on what ever convo we were having... but she said my eyes scared her.
All i can think is that all the sadness and pain i felt inside... that i tried to numb with alcohol was chipping away and i had no control over it showing...
I can tell you it definately wasn't a conscious thing.. and almost definately not directed at the people who seemed to bear/bare the brunt of it...
I also think sometimes that maybe it was my subconscious allowing me to have that bit of release with someone i felt comfortable with and wouldn't walk away from me if it did spill over...

Im sorry... i dont know if any of that made any sense to you and i did well for not saying anything...
I hope i haven't said anything wrong.

Please be well and know you are cared about
louis

littlefish

Thank you for sharing. I am an alcoholic mom in my 50's and in recovery. YES, how right you are: when I drank I became angry and I felt sorry for myself. I gave my kids those kinds of looks for years .
I am so sorry your mom didn't make it. And, what a truly good person you are for understanding that behind those angry eyes there was probably a lot of pain and unhappiness.

Tazman53

My condolances on your mother first, thanks for sharing that. I had that look for the last 5 years of my drinking. my wife would walk in the door, look at me and say, "I see you are still drinking, I see it in your eyes.". I see that look in the eyes of every newcomer that walks into a meeting the first few weeks, sometimes longer if they keep relapsing.

The most awesome feeling I get is to see that same person start to get it, they suddenly have a twinkle in their eye and a smile on thier face.

BTW I was 52 when I got sober.

Mark75

Thanx for sharing vivid. I know what you are talking about. I have some mom issues as relates to drugs/alcohol also... She's still alive tho, and part of my recovery will be coming to terms with some of these mom issues.

Mark

Fubarcdn

Sorry about your loss VS.
I know what you are feeling.
My mother was an alcoholic and in her eyes I would see that look of pain and desperation.
I would see beyond the anger and just see that pain that my father had caused her and I would get mad at her for not doing anything about it but get drunk.
She finally did quit drinking and made a new life for herself with the help of some good friends. Regrettably, after being sober and happy for only four years she passed away from breast cancer in 1977.
Reliving these memories has been painful for me and my thoughts are with you.

Aysha

Wow. I know what episode you are talking about. Dawn. She has some wonderful sons too. Didnt she?
My gram use to get that look when she drank. But it was a look that just was always on her face when she was smashed. It looked like that glare that just drilled right through you. But at the same time it looked like she was dazed.
I am sorry you lost your mom like that.
Keep posting. I am sure it will help you alot.

lunarise

Thanks for all the support guys. It makes me feel a little better knowing that I wasn't the only one getting this look so therefor it must not have came from something I did or from what my mom actually thought about me, but other than that I am sorry that others have experienced this. My mom did get sober a few times for a few years but always went back, the last time I sort of knew that there wasn't a "coming back". I felt like she had resigned herself to the addiction, she didn't want to fight it anymore. Whats scary is I sort of understand. I am not there with my addiction but I can see how someone could get there. In some ways I understand because I have my own addiction but then there is the feeling like a little girl that just wants to be accepted and loved by her mother. Deep down I know obviously that because I was her child that she loved me but that is different than being shown. There were times when I felt it, periodically throughout my life but that's really not enough. Its hard being an adult and trying to sort through this stuff because when it comes to this stuff I don't FEEL like an adult I FEEL like I am 9 or 12 or younger. I guess the good thing is that for the most part I can tell when I am reacting to mom stuff in adult life situations. Sometimes I cant tell till later but at least I know part of why I do what I do.

Aysha

Your not alone. I am grateful my grams only drinks and gets drunk maybe twice a year now. And it is very stressful for me. There are some threads here when she has done it.
And its sad to say that. But its better than all day everyday like it was growing up.
I didnt have my father growing up because he was always locked up and drunk. My mom has been missing since I was 5. And so she is all I had.
My grandfather was an allday everyday drinker and a mean one too. He would do some horrible things. And I spent a great deal of my teens and 20's in a hateful relationship with him. Not until we found out he had 6 mos to live did we put our differences aside and act like a family. And i heard the words I never thought I would ever hear out of his mouth. "I wish there was something I could do to help you." Usually he called the cops on me and stuff like that and called me names. It took something like that to bring us together. Death can be very humbling. As bad as that sounds.
I dont want my grams seeing me like this til she dies. I cant let her think I never amounted to anything.
I am sorry I just rambled about my stuff. But you made me think about alot ofthis. And thats a good thing.
I feel like a child all the time.
But we work these things out. As long as we can stay clean and do the right things. I know anything is possible.
And it all has to start with forgiveness IMO. Forgiveness with ourselves and anyone else we need to forgive. We cant grow with those chains holding us hostage.

gneiss

Hi VS. Thank you so much for sharing. Neither of my parents do drugs at all. I guess I'm the screwed up one in my family! But I've seen the look in the eyes of two very close friends. Both running from demons, both unable to run far or fast enough. Anger, pain, and a certain relief in the vacant feeling of being high. I imagine I had the same look when high.

What was the name of the meth addict on that episode? I would like to make sure I see it when I get the chance and I missed it. (Yeah, meth was one of my DOCs. I like the show, but the episodes about meth always fascinate me a little more than the others).

lunarise

Chiy~ Thanks again for all the support and for sharing some of your story. Im sorry about your g-pa passing, but I am glad that you two were better off beforehand. :ghug3 My mom and I had quite the relationship also...yelling..name calling at times. I am thankful that before she passed I spent a decent amount of time with her. I knew she was still getting high but I just knew that she was getting older and that if I wanted to spend time with her I would just have to do it. I was able to say somethings that I needed to say which is good. Of course though I feel that she passed way before her time. Still to this day I wish I could call her up for something as simple as a recipe and be able to hear her voice.

One outcome from the dysfunction between my mom and I is that I am not very comfortable around most women. I have been this way since I was little (was raised by my dad). I look out at the entirety of women on the planet and I feel like they all belong to this secret club. I stand alone. Its like the feeling that they all know some secret that I dont. Obviously since I was raised by my dad I have never been a foofy girl. I dont like pink and actually I usually preferred to wear black when I was growing up. Quite the tomboy actually. I cant say that this is why I feel that difference though. I have known other tomboys and ... still... I felt like they were a part of that ever elusive club. I have just recently been able to articulate this so I still have plenty of soul searching and digging to do.

Aysha

Sry..But I am really sick of seeing that phrase...LOL

lunarise

hmm where else have you seen it? I had never heard it b 4?

Aysha

LOl..I have seen it quite a bit here lately. I never heard it til the other day.

Theres a whole thread dedicated to it.

lunarise

Ya know...I didn't realize that...I took it off there...I thought it was just something one person said I don't want to perpetuate something, especially when Im not sure what the original intention was now. Thanks for the heads up. :ghug3

lunarise

So...lately...Ive been feeling quite tense...anxiety...and even some ole fashioned depression thrown into the mix. I really have felt quite nuts the past week or two. Tried it all to fix it ......no sugar...exercise....etc etc. Finally had a counseling appointment (2 weeks without) today. At first it was a general explanation of my feelings...tense but sad.....negative self talk....not hopeless but not full of it either. Then we started talking about my mom...again......geesh... Seriously I was in counseling at 17 to deal with my mom issues...I was in counseling for like a year. So honestly whenever a counselor has brought any of it up I would simply tell them yeah I have already sorted through all that. Well guess what...apparently you're never done! I now have homework from my counselor to allow myself to feel sad for a scheduled hour each day. The more we talked about it the harder it was to fight it off and the more I cried. I thought geesh here we go again. I KNOW everything I need to know about my mom and her addiction and how it affected her and how she actually did love me but couldn't show it because she drank like a fish...etc etc I logically KNOW all of that...however ....apparently I am not OVER it. I left the office and on the way home found myself screaming for my mommy as I drove down our country road... balling....I should have pulled over... I really hadn't cried like that in a long time...I felt like I was 5. I cant believe I have to go through this again. It is different now I know...the last time I dealt with it like I said above I was 17....Im 31 now...its a bit different...plus she is no longer with us...so the tiny hope I had, even as I got older, that we would someday have a normal mother/daughter relationship, is gone. I cant tell you how heavy my chest heaves when I am in the thick of it and the hoarse cries that escape my throat.
I did just remember something....I think it was about a year after my mom passed...I had this amazing dream.... My mom was there...she looked so healthy and happy...I dont know that I had actually EVER seen her that way in real life....and she came and sat beside me on this bench...it was cold out and there was snow everywhere...she looked so pretty...and we were bundled up...we were talking and laughing while planning to go Christmas shopping together...I was so incredibly happy in the dream....and even after I woke up and realized that though this never technically happened the AMAZING thing is that I get to keep this memory (real or not) of me and my mom sharing a moment. I hold this dream close to my heart.
My job now is....to let go...to let down the walls that I have built up around this pain...and let myself really feel it. I have not had a sober period since my moms passing till now...so I am guessing there is quite alot in there....sigh....I sometimes try to stuff it though...which I think is whats leading to my anxiety...and my panic attacks recently....

Sigh...Ive done my homework for the day......

KenL

Hi VS. I am getting into this thing about your mom. I see parts of my mom in it although she was never an abuser of anything. I have one question for you at this time. Is there anger in your heart towards your mom?

Aysha

I am glad your willing to look inside and work on what may be a root in some hurtful emotions.
It is so hard to deal with things like that. Especially when we have supposedly come to terms with it.
I think it was you who posted in another thread last week about the OPer to go to therapy because we react differently over time.
Like them ..you have gotten older and may react differently now.
Time has passed. Your a little older. And maybe some of the thoughts and having that time to let it soak in a little over the years will help you heal.
I know I have some issues with my mom too. Even tho I say I dont. And I dont really. But it does mess with me sometimes wondering whatever happened to her. Will I ever see her. Why didnt she ever come back. You know?
I think too that just going with the sadness sometimes can be so satisfying. Just dont get stuck there.
Keep doing the right things. And it will all come together in time.

wanttolive

VS, While I can't relate to mom issues my dad died at 46 of alcoholism induced suicide and it is very hard sometimes when my kids hit a milestone and he was too selfish (in my mind) to be there for them. Then my childrens father ended up (not when we were first married) a meth addict and I don't know what to do to help them. They act like it's all fine that they don't see their dad because he is always 'missing' but after reading your counseling post maybe they should actually talk to someone besides me. I sure hope your therapy sessions help with some of the pain you are going through. And yes there is a look that unless you've seen it you can't describe when they are using.

lunarise

Thanks for all the support guys.....

KenL~ To answer your question about anger....Im not entirely sure...I did have some and I dealt with it when I was younger...not sure now...on the surface level I can say no.

Woke up today feeling anxious AGAIN! This is becoming quite the habit and in all honestly is really pissing me off! nauseous on top of that.

WHAT THE FREAK IS WRONG WITH ME?

I know that if I go to the doctor they will tell me nothing and I will have to pay for it. I just have never had this kind of anxiety before..where I wake up and it starts within 2 mintutes...I am not even FULLY awake! At this point I usually say freak it I am staying home and not doing a damn thing today. Ive been feeling quite reclusive lately. I just feel like giving up....there I said it.....

IM TIRED! TIRED OF DEALING WITH EVERYTHING!

...give up....I dont even know what the freak that means...except maybe becoming a hermit...yeah let the depression sink in..what a great idea......sigh....I hope the day gets better