So...lately...Ive been feeling quite tense...anxiety...and even some ole fashioned depression thrown into the mix. I really have felt quite nuts the past week or two. Tried it all to fix it ......no sugar...exercise....etc etc. Finally had a counseling appointment (2 weeks without) today. At first it was a general explanation of my feelings...tense but sad.....negative self talk....not hopeless but not full of it either. Then we started talking about my mom...again......geesh... Seriously I was in counseling at 17 to deal with my mom issues...I was in counseling for like a year. So honestly whenever a counselor has brought any of it up I would simply tell them yeah I have already sorted through all that. Well guess what...apparently you're never done! I now have homework from my counselor to allow myself to feel sad for a scheduled hour each day. The more we talked about it the harder it was to fight it off and the more I cried. I thought geesh here we go again. I KNOW everything I need to know about my mom and her addiction and how it affected her and how she actually did love me but couldn't show it because she drank like a fish...etc etc I logically KNOW all of that...however ....apparently I am not OVER it. I left the office and on the way home found myself screaming for my mommy as I drove down our country road... balling....I should have pulled over... I really hadn't cried like that in a long time...I felt like I was 5. I cant believe I have to go through this again. It is different now I know...the last time I dealt with it like I said above I was 17....Im 31 now...its a bit different...plus she is no longer with us...so the tiny hope I had, even as I got older, that we would someday have a normal mother/daughter relationship, is gone. I cant tell you how heavy my chest heaves when I am in the thick of it and the hoarse cries that escape my throat.
I did just remember something....I think it was about a year after my mom passed...I had this amazing dream.... My mom was there...she looked so healthy and happy...I dont know that I had actually EVER seen her that way in real life....and she came and sat beside me on this bench...it was cold out and there was snow everywhere...she looked so pretty...and we were bundled up...we were talking and laughing while planning to go Christmas shopping together...I was so incredibly happy in the dream....and even after I woke up and realized that though this never technically happened the AMAZING thing is that I get to keep this memory (real or not) of me and my mom sharing a moment. I hold this dream close to my heart.
My job now is....to let go...to let down the walls that I have built up around this pain...and let myself really feel it. I have not had a sober period since my moms passing till now...so I am guessing there is quite alot in there....sigh....I sometimes try to stuff it though...which I think is whats leading to my anxiety...and my panic attacks recently....
Sigh...Ive done my homework for the day......