My mom.....
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
It sucks feeling like that. But you gotta make yourself motivated.
Not a good idea to wallow in it.
Geez..Those 3 weeks for me. I know how you feel. And it isnt easy.
I had to make myself do things. And itr was so uncomfortable. And with all the support I got here. I snapped out of it.
You will feel better. Just be easy on yourself.
Not a good idea to wallow in it.
Geez..Those 3 weeks for me. I know how you feel. And it isnt easy.
I had to make myself do things. And itr was so uncomfortable. And with all the support I got here. I snapped out of it.
You will feel better. Just be easy on yourself.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
It was very hard to read through your post...only because I have similar feelings that arise from working trough my PTSD. Do you feel like your living the past all over when doing your trauma work? I've been told by my therapist that's the point of trauma treatment...well to feel the hurt without numbing it with drugs that is. What I get is hurt, depression and anger. Then I feel like its too much to overcome. It feels that way sometimes. Then I'm reminded of that old saying: got to feel it to heal it...still its tiring.
I was told that other feelings will come in place of the feelings that I experienced when the trauma was going on in my childhood. Like anxiety in place of the confusion I was feeling as a kid. Come to think of it anxiety is confusing don't you think?
I was told that other feelings will come in place of the feelings that I experienced when the trauma was going on in my childhood. Like anxiety in place of the confusion I was feeling as a kid. Come to think of it anxiety is confusing don't you think?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: MN
Posts: 528
Im so sorry for your loss.
I do have to say I know what your talking about with that "look".
My brother was hooked on Meth & other drugs for over 10 yrs. He was so angry most the time. I saw him do & say things to my parents that were mind blowing.
I do have to say I know what your talking about with that "look".
My brother was hooked on Meth & other drugs for over 10 yrs. He was so angry most the time. I saw him do & say things to my parents that were mind blowing.
lunarlovelunar
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
Hmmm the thing about it is that the pain isnt on the surface soooo technically I am not wallowing.....er..or am I kidding myself....All I know is that being home with my huzzy and not having to deal with any outside "stressors" makes me feel more safe. I know my anxiety is wrapped in fear of something....although I cant put my finger on what exactly. This is the part that makes me feel CRAZY is trying to figure out why I am feeling this way and trying to fix it. I can do that or I can simply sit and try to let it pass....but that pisses me off because I would really like to be living my life. AGHHHHHH! Later I will do as the counselor has prescribed and have some sad time today. Although at this point it feels pointless. SO how is this gonna make me feel better again?...I am a mess.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
Originally Posted by vividserenity 
The more we talked about it the harder it was to fight it off and the more I cried.
I logically KNOW all of that...however ....apparently I am not OVER it. I left the office and on the way home found myself screaming for my mommy ...I felt like I was 5.
...plus she is no longer with us...so the tiny hope I had, even as I got older, that we would someday have a normal mother/daughter relationship, is gone. I cant tell you how heavy my chest heaves when I am in the thick of it and the hoarse cries that escape my throat.
.... My mom was there...she looked so healthy and happy...I dont know that I had actually EVER seen her that way in real life....
...she looked so pretty...and we were bundled up...we were talking and laughing while planning to go Christmas shopping together.
..I was so incredibly happy in the dream....and even after I woke up and realized that though this never technically happened the AMAZING thing is that I get to keep this memory (real or not) of me and my mom sharing a moment. I hold this dream close to my heart.
My job now is....to let go...to let down the walls that I have built up around this pain...and let myself really feel it.
I logically KNOW all of that...however ....apparently I am not OVER it. I left the office and on the way home found myself screaming for my mommy ...I felt like I was 5.
...plus she is no longer with us...so the tiny hope I had, even as I got older, that we would someday have a normal mother/daughter relationship, is gone. I cant tell you how heavy my chest heaves when I am in the thick of it and the hoarse cries that escape my throat.
.... My mom was there...she looked so healthy and happy...I dont know that I had actually EVER seen her that way in real life....
...she looked so pretty...and we were bundled up...we were talking and laughing while planning to go Christmas shopping together.
..I was so incredibly happy in the dream....and even after I woke up and realized that though this never technically happened the AMAZING thing is that I get to keep this memory (real or not) of me and my mom sharing a moment. I hold this dream close to my heart.
My job now is....to let go...to let down the walls that I have built up around this pain...and let myself really feel it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 64
Hi VS,
I have really felt your pain in your posts. You dream sounds a bit freaky, but I am glad that you have something to give you some peace. Just remember thought that you are not alone now. There are so many people out there who are feeling for you and feeling with you. Strength.
I have really felt your pain in your posts. You dream sounds a bit freaky, but I am glad that you have something to give you some peace. Just remember thought that you are not alone now. There are so many people out there who are feeling for you and feeling with you. Strength.
lunarlovelunar
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
To even things up and make it honest....
When my mom wasn't active in her addictions...
My mom was a lovely person. She cared for others without any reservations.
She had a genuine heart and a loving spirit.
She was a great mom. She would play with us and make us laugh...my mom definitely had a sense of humor.
She always cared for us...we never went without.
She could make you feel special, just by being around her.
My mom was spiritual, she pulled beliefs from our native american ancestry to guide her.
My mom wasn't a quitter, she was stubborn as they come...even though this hindered her in ways, it also helped her survive a rough childhood.
I have never seen a more beautiful woman....dark brown hair deep brown eyes and the warmest prettiest smile.
....and she had the most engulfing....meaningful....loving hugs.
I miss her, especially her hugs.
When my mom wasn't active in her addictions...
My mom was a lovely person. She cared for others without any reservations.
She had a genuine heart and a loving spirit.
She was a great mom. She would play with us and make us laugh...my mom definitely had a sense of humor.
She always cared for us...we never went without.
She could make you feel special, just by being around her.
My mom was spiritual, she pulled beliefs from our native american ancestry to guide her.
My mom wasn't a quitter, she was stubborn as they come...even though this hindered her in ways, it also helped her survive a rough childhood.
I have never seen a more beautiful woman....dark brown hair deep brown eyes and the warmest prettiest smile.
....and she had the most engulfing....meaningful....loving hugs.
I miss her, especially her hugs.
lunarlovelunar
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 674
Well today is my moms birthday. Im going to plant a flower in memory of her. I just got up but so far it hasnt hit me really hard. I miss her....I cant even describe how much. Where ever she is I hope she is at peace now. I cant believe that i almost followed in her footsteps. So scary. I miss her.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
I think this is the most powerful thread I have ever read. What better reason to stay sober....than to keep 'that look' out of your eyes. My kids saw it enough, I'm sure. They will never see it from me, again.
Thank you for this thread.
Thank you for this thread.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
She would be so proud of you for being the person you've become, and wouldn't want you to be in pain over what happened due to her addiction. I feel sure you'll see her again, and everything will be made right. Someday we'll understand why we had to endure all the pain and suffering our addictions bring us.
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