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Old 02-01-2009, 08:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
Looking For Myself...Sober
 
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Struggling


I have been struggling all week. Pocket of money. And I just keep thinking I want to get high.
I was fine the first couple days. But now its just wearing on me.
I dont want to go. But I do. I dont know. I know I DONT want to.
I dont know what the deal is.
And I feel by talking about it is just going to make me want to go more.
I get paid again tomorrow. I have $60 now. I have a good amount on my card and a pin now. Dumbasses. I asked for a new card because I damaged the old one and they sent me a pin. Something I didnt want.
I threw it away. But I am good with numbers and it is an easy one.

I am pretty sure I am not going. But I hate feeling liek I want to. Why would I want to? My body isnt wanting to go. My mind is. Its like I am trying to make myself to want to get high.
So stupid.

Work Is getting to me a little. I like that I am reliable. And the "go to girl" As my boss put it the other day. But dont take my kindness for weakness. I am a hard worker and will go above and beyond. But dont get it twisted and think your going to work me over like a chump.
I need this job. I like this job. But I dont want to be taken advantage of either. I did 3 peoples job today. Either because one called out..Another was off and another just didnt do her job. So I am picking up the slack for lazy ass bitches that have no consideration for nayone else.
Who do they think has to go behind them when they dont so their job? Do they think it just magically gets done. They dont care. Well I do care. I take pride in my work. And alot of the reasons I do half the things is because I wouldbt get any hours otherwise. Its not so much doing the work. Its that I dont like being played with. And its getting to where my ugly side is going to show.
I am quiet and keep to myself alot. Everyone at work thinks I am just some quiet yes woman. They have no friggin idea.
Yall already know I have no problems saying whats on my mind.

Its not like I am going anywhere in this job. The owner doesnt give raises. I have never heard an employer not ever giving raises. But its true. I have checked it out. And I am not going to get promoted to anything ever. So what am I working so hard for?
I know..For my own personal reasons. I dont do half steppin. But still.

Anyway..Ranting again.
I have been doing thast alot lately. Sry.
So..I am going to try and keep my mind out of hell and stay close and just get through this. Clenching my fists and teeth. But I am going to make it.

Just feels good to get it out.
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Old 02-01-2009, 08:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
I have been struggling all week. Pocket of money. And I just keep thinking I want to get high.
I was fine the first couple days. But now its just wearing on me.

Same here...I don't know how I'm holding on, but I am holding on. I'm doing my best not to think about it too much.



Quote:
Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
Work Is getting to me a little. I like that I am reliable. And the "go to girl" As my boss put it the other day. But dont take my kindness for weakness. I am a hard worker and will go above and beyond. But dont get it twisted and think your going to work me over like a chump.
I need this job. I like this job. But I dont want to be taken advantage of either. I did 3 peoples job today. Either because one called out..Another was off and another just didnt do her job. So I am picking up the slack for lazy ass bitches that have no consideration for nayone else.
Who do they think has to go behind them when they dont so their job? Do they think it just magically gets done. They dont care. Well I do care. I take pride in my work. And alot of the reasons I do half the things is because I wouldbt get any hours otherwise. Its not so much doing the work. Its that I dont like being played with. And its getting to where my ugly side is going to show.
I am quiet and keep to myself alot. Everyone at work thinks I am just some quiet yes woman. They have no friggin idea.
Yall already know I have no problems saying whats on my mind.

Its not like I am going anywhere in this job. The owner doesnt give raises. I have never heard an employer not ever giving raises. But its true. I have checked it out. And I am not going to get promoted to anything ever. So what am I working so hard for?
I know..For my own personal reasons. I dont do half steppin. But still.
Chiy, I don't have any advice for you on this one...I'm looking for a solution myself. I flip burgers for a living, but what you're saying sounds a lot like what I deal with.

It's hard, but I just try to go in there, do what I need to do, joke around if I can, and then leave that place behind as soon as I exit the door.


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Old 02-01-2009, 08:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hey Chiy,

I'm glad you're coming here and getting this stuff off your chest instead of just running out and getting high. Don't let that old addict voice start tricking you again now. You've been doing SO well.

Gripe about your job. Say whatever you need to say about the people who don't work as hard as you or care as much as you. Just don't fall back into your old routine. You know it won't do any good. Think of all the other good things you could do with that $60.

You deserve better than that crap, Chiy.
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Old 02-01-2009, 08:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
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i hear ya.. working hard for little pay is ******** IMHO i've been there and done that.. today my sobriety is #1 that means before ANYTHING else!
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Old 02-01-2009, 08:57 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Chiy (and Bamboozle!) maybe you could take your pocket of money and purchase some sort of treat for yourself? Then the temptation of money in your pocket would be gone and you will have something nice for yourself.

Thinking of you!!
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Old 02-01-2009, 09:11 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I need to pay bills. Another thing about my job that sucks. Some bills are bigger than my paycheck so I have tosave until the next one to get enough to pay one bill. I will be alright until I get my check tomorrow and get those bills mailed. Then I will have maybe $40 bucks left. Well make that 20 cause I will put 20 in the tank. I may just go by an MP3 player with my card tomorrow for work. Something I have been wanting. I bought my grams all kinds of **** at the store yesterday. And took her out to eat the other night. Felt good to be able to do that. I usually never have money to do that.
I am holding onto the idea that I havent touched anything in 2009 and I want to keep it tat way. Like if I get high in 2009 that the whole year will be tainted.
My AV is on point just waiting. I can feel it. Like last week. The night I got paid. OMG. I would wake up in the middle of the nioght and automatically look out the window to see if it started snowing yet. Thinking I could get over there and back before it started to snow. That snow storm probably helped me alot last week.
4 weeks and my family will be gone for 10 days to FL.
I already told a couple family members that I am a littl eworried about that. Actually I am really shocked I have made this far. I have never had a good amount of money and had the urge to get high and not gone. I had over $200 for most of the week.
I maybe would have fought the feeling for a day if that. And just gave in like F it. Especially when I am not pressed to pay a bill. Which I am a little. But not to where I am cutting myself short.
Still clenching. And still fighting.
I hate being an addict.
Plus have you guys ever had one of those days where just the stupidest things mess with you all day long. Like everything has to be a complication.
I dont mean one or two things. mean everything. Little things. Like running into stuff...dropping stuff...hurting yourself. Trying to do something and it gets stuck or wont go smooth. Like jsut little stuff that turns into a whole friggin complicate dtask. Well my whole week has been like that. GRRRR..Aggravating!
And the kids got on my nerves tonight so bad., Trying to watch the game and they wouldnt sit down and shut up.
By the way...Yall see that 100 yd return for a touchdown by the Steelers in the 2nd quarter? That was awesome!
Well I am goin to finish watchin\g Tool Academy.
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Old 02-01-2009, 09:19 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Chiynita,

Sounds hair-pulling frustrating!!! I can relate to what you're talking about and can sympathize!

Thank God you like your job, etc., cuz if you didn't... just think how much crappier the whole scenario would be!

You are doing sooo good in your recovery! No one and nothing is worth jeopardizing it and I know you know that! It's hard having that taste in your mouth and a wad of cash hanging out, but as someone posted... maybe go get yourself something that would be a "treat" for yourself -- Lord knows you deserve it!

Hang in there and am so glad you posted and aired all this to us! Hugs! Nicki

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Old 02-01-2009, 09:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hang in there & be grateful you have a job. Many of us don't!
I hope you can find strength! Just keep coming here & sharing how you feel!
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Old 02-01-2009, 09:56 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Chiy, I can't help but wonder how much of this has to do with your Family going OOT in 4 weeks. I remember how you were last year before they left and they weren't gone very long when . . .

I'm really concerned about you. There, I said it.

I know you're not a meeting kinda person but please, please, please, get some kind of face to face support in place. I truly think if you had some people in Recovery with a good amt of time in to call and also be calling you that you'd be in a better place. Plus, it would give you healthy people to go do healthy things with.

About the first year I was in Recovery and money was a trigger for me, I'd get money orders for those bigger bills that I had to pay with money from more than one check. I'd give my Landlord two, sometimes three money orders that added up what my rent was. This way I had that sense of doing a good job keeping the bills paid and it was a guaratee that once I bought those money orders and wrote them out, they'd get paid on time.

I'm a believer in karma, and what comes around goes around. No, you may not get a raise or a promotion or even a kudos from the boss for your hard work. But you will, sooner or later get your "rewards." I know when I put in a good day, working at a paying job or here at home, I have a sense of pride in myself. Also, as a few have pointed out, be grateful for the job.

I'm proud of you for sharing your feelings in a positive way. Keep venting, ranting, raving, whatever it takes to let go of them. . . just don't pick up!!!!!

This Too Shall Pass.

Hugs,
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Old 02-01-2009, 10:15 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I am very grateful for a job. Believe me. And one I like on top of it.
I am not saying I am the only one who works either.
But sometimes when you know how to do more and people know you will always do soemthing. They start to take advantage of it.
I am all about Karma. Anyone here knows that. So I do believe whatever I do right will always ensure my blessings. And not a quick reward. It will keep coming and have long lasting rewards. I knwo this.
I get a little impatient sometimes. And then I feel stupid for sayion anything becasue either I usually come here with this strugglin thing and end up going anyway. Or I come here and I know I am not struggling enough to where I will go.
I dont know. The urges are hitting me pretty good foe a couple minutes then they are gone. But they keep coming and going. But at least they are going.
Yea..Last year I was planning that relapse for weeks before they left. I wanted to get high so bad. They couldnt leave fast enough. I was sick all the way there. And I ended up ruining 3 mos clean and losing my job and spent over $500 in 2 days. It sucked!
If I dont have money I am fine.
Isnt that sick? Soemthing I need and theres no way to not have it.
I will be ok for now. I am not going to give in. I have come too far now to turn back.
Plus I keep thinkin how much of a pain in the ass it is to go through going there. Smoking it and then running out and wanting more. It sucks. I hate the come down so much. So thats what I am working with,
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Trish....I'm not posting much here anymore....I'm not doing great-but I care about you very much and I just had to post to you.

Please don't go back out.I so understand the temptation.But I know you can do this.I'm hanging by my fingernails.But that aside-I just want you to know there's someone-on the other side of the world fer petes sake-who really does give a damn about you and wants to see you succeed.I know you can.You are a strong woman with so much against you sometimes.But you keep going.And so will I too.I KNOW how hard this is.

Sending love to you,for what it's worth,

Julesxox
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Old 02-01-2009, 11:26 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Trish I dunno what to tell you - it's ok to *feel* like you want to fk up - I dunno what exactly's making you feel that way - you feel underappreciated, you feel scared, pissed off, whatever. Only you can isolate that and deal with it.

Feelings are ok in themselves - but, if you want any chance of the life you deserve, you gotta do anything and everything not to follow through on that feeling.

Post here, run around the block, scream into your pillow - whatever.

I actually think SQ has a good point with meetings and face to face support and phone numbers - I know...you work, you don't do meetings..cool - just sayin'.

But you have to do anything but use Trish - you know, and I know it.

You've come an extrordinarily long way since you were Home Alone last year - I have faith you'll do it

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Old 02-02-2009, 12:13 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I knew as soon as I talked about it that it would hit harder. I dont know why it always does that.
I am all figity now and just feel like ****.
I feel like someone is standing on my chest. My heart is jumping. I am shaking a little.
I keep looking at the clock.
I am not wanting to get high because of work. Thats just somethin I threw out there to get off my chest.
I have money..Thats all it is.
I guess I am needing some excitement. I dont know.
If I can make it til I go get my check. I will be ok. I dont want to go blowing what money I have now and then end up blowin the check.
If I get my check.I know I will go starit to the bank and pay the bills.
I keep thinkin. I can afford a little. Its not like I am going to lose my job. I am off tomorrow. I can do just a little and just be done for awhile again.
Friggin AV is really hyper right now.
If I clench my teeth anymore I am going to chip a tooth.
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Old 02-02-2009, 12:18 AM   #14 (permalink)
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If money is just burning a hole in your pocket, I have 2 friends in Montana who are dead BROKE and would love that $60. :P Go buy a lottery ticket - at least that way you might win something.

This ain't the kind of excitement you need, hon.

Thinking about it led to talking about it. Talking about it is making it more real so your AV is gettin' its hopes up and kicking into high gear. Tell it to STFU. You're in control now, not it.

Don't wait for your next check - go put your money in the bank first thing tomorrow morning. If that's all it takes to keep you from thinking about spending it, that's easy to take care of.

What else is on your mind? No one here is going to tell you it's a good idea to go get high, so give us whatever you got.
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Old 02-02-2009, 12:27 AM   #15 (permalink)
everything is already ok
 
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((((Trish))))

I know we have spoken about this before and others have mentioned it here but the only things that keep me clean sane and learning about me and how to live life are:

Talking to other addicts (daily)
Going to meetings (one a day for the 1st year or so)
Reading NA Literature
Talking to my sponsor for guidance about our program
Being of service to other addicts, I go to detox's and prisons to carry the message as well as have a place on the State committee but there are loads of things you can do like make tea greet people (I love this one)
And taliking and listening to a power greater than me (thats not God in my case)

I repeat, its the above that keeps me clean sane and learning to live life as it is. I tried talking drugs non stop for 12 years, didn't work to well, therapy (helped me understand), not using and working 18 hours a day didn't work either, drinking only didnt work it killed me spiritually, but going to NA and practising teh program works, day by day I learn and heal.

I want this for you too Trish

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Old 02-02-2009, 01:25 AM   #16 (permalink)
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You know I don't find meetings hip or cool. I went to at least one meeting a day for the first year of my recovery.

Day after Day I sat in communit halls, library meeting rooms and and dusty draft church halls with people I woudl never have met or had anything to say to in other circumstances, but they saved my life, no they gave me a life, there love, honesty and wisdom, they held me for mnay months whiel I found my feet. I still go back to those early meetings just to see those faces taht i now realise I have so much in common and I count many of them as friends.

These days I don't go to a meeting every day but I love meetings, I go to listen, I go to meet friends, I go to hold my hand out and I go to share my experience strength and hope if I am aksed to.

One of the biggest buzzes I have had is to welcome someone when they first arrive, they won't look me in the eye and only mutter. I see them a week later and they glance up have a spring in there step and they smile. Three months later I see them sharing in a meeting and there is a new light in their eyes, they are so alive. I love that.
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Old 02-02-2009, 01:52 AM   #17 (permalink)
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(((Trish)))

you know damned well, if you go out and get some crack, as soon as it's gone, you're gonna want more...IMMEDIATELY, and then you'll spend check from tomorrow, and then you're gonna be totally mad at yourself because you don't have the money to pay bills.

Think it all the way through, sweetie. It's just not worth it. We can't do just "a little"...we do it until whatever money we can get our hands on is gone, and it's usually more than $60.

Do whatever you've got to do and tell the AV's to shut the f up...that's from me...been there, done that too many times.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-02-2009, 01:53 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Talking about the possibilty of doing it is like debating with yourself whether to or not...and we know the longer the debate goes on the more chance you will lose that debate. I have said this before Trish. Just stop the debate!
You aren't gonna use. Go and get the best damn mp3 player you can afford, spend your money on something that won't destroy your life
The cycle has to end, Trish. You are a good person, give yourself a chance at being happy.
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Old 02-02-2009, 01:56 AM   #19 (permalink)
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It's a pisser but sometimes talking about it puts it out there and makes us that much more hyper, scared, pissed off whatever, Trish - it's the way the Voice works - it'll ride of the back of anything that it thinks might work.

But TSH is right. You're in charge.

It's you that makes the decision, pays the money, buys the stuff
....or not.

There's no excitement back there Trish - nothing real, nothing lasting, nothing good. If you think anything else, you're BSing yourself.

You can do this. I know you can.
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Old 02-02-2009, 02:18 AM   #20 (permalink)
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I am going to make it. I am too tired to go through it. Tired I mean tired of the BS that goes with it. As much as I may go back and forth. I know I dont want to use more than I want to. I am just so over the cycle of crap. I will sit here playing mind games with myself. but I am not going to act on it. I know this.
Because when I do think about actually going. I just get this disgusted feeling. Like doing something I dont want to do. Liek going to work when your tired as hell. You know what I mean? Its feels more like a task than a want right now.
So I am good. I will e good tomorrow when I know I have 2 more bills paid.
I am actually pretty dam proud of myself for making it like I ahve all week. I have never lasted this long with urges.
I am really trying this time guys. I mean for real trying. It is so uncomfortable soemtimes. But its much better than how uncomfortable it feels after the let down. That is pure hell. And I am constantly thinking about the aftermath. I am reliving that come down. And thats really whats keeping me clean. I am so tired of that craziness. What the hell do I want to pay another MFer a bunch of money to make myself miserable for?
Not anymore. Not this time.
Thx all..I dont know what I would do without you guys.
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