Chiy, I can't help but wonder how much of this has to do with your Family going OOT in 4 weeks. I remember how you were last year before they left and they weren't gone very long when . . .
I'm really concerned about you. There, I said it.
I know you're not a meeting kinda person but please, please, please, get some kind of face to face support in place. I truly think if you had some people in Recovery with a good amt of time in to call and also be calling you that you'd be in a better place. Plus, it would give you healthy people to go do healthy things with.
About the first year I was in Recovery and money was a trigger for me, I'd get money orders for those bigger bills that I had to pay with money from more than one check. I'd give my Landlord two, sometimes three money orders that added up what my rent was. This way I had that sense of doing a good job keeping the bills paid and it was a guaratee that once I bought those money orders and wrote them out, they'd get paid on time.
I'm a believer in karma, and what comes around goes around. No, you may not get a raise or a promotion or even a kudos from the boss for your hard work. But you will, sooner or later get your "rewards." I know when I put in a good day, working at a paying job or here at home, I have a sense of pride in myself. Also, as a few have pointed out, be grateful for the job.
I'm proud of you for sharing your feelings in a positive way. Keep venting, ranting, raving, whatever it takes to let go of them. . . just don't pick up!!!!!
This Too Shall Pass.
Hugs,
Judy