listae

WL: I empathize with your situation. I see a lot of myself in your posts. I've also recently discovered that my very serious negative thinking (something I think is hereditary) is the cause of my unhappiness and drinking. I drink to quiet the negative voices. As a child, I was always called "the bad one." My relatives put me down to prop themselves up in a family that constantly played power games. So, I drank. I partied. I did drugs because I was "the bad one" in their eyes even before I took a drink. The negative things they said to me constantly as a child are imprinted in my head. The voices get quiet for a while when I'm drunk but they are even worse when I'm hungover: that miserable state when everything they said about me as "the bad one" and "the crazy one" is confirmed, right? Because look at me: I'm a women pushing fifty who is a miserable alcoholic. I've wasted all my savings on alcohol. I lost my job because of alcohol. I'm obese because of alcohol.

venuscat

(((listae))) ❤️

You are not the bad anything. xx

listae

Thanks to everyone who replied earlier today: it is 5:30 PM. I ate when I was hungry and I haven't taken a drink. I just need 7 more hours to get through (this is the slippery time) and I can actually say it is "Day 2" for the first time in a long time. I may have to post like crazy but it beats taking a drink. What is the point of going out to the only place that serves alcohol during this time (where no one wears a mask and there are huge crowds because everyone needs to get their fix for booze). I don't want to be part of that crowd.

venuscat

Post all you want..... so much love. With you every step. ❤️

Coz

Wastinglife - I am so sorry for you and also really worried about you. It sounds like you are in an awful place right now and struggling to see a better future. I think a few of us have experienced that before (I sure have). I don't have a perfect response with all the answers for you, but I do suggest that you would benefit from having a chat with your doctor about your situation. It might be that some anti-depressants might be in order. Some counselling would probably be a good option too.

I am thinking that while you are in a very dark place, it is is hard to see any light. If you can summon up a little bit of energy, make a call to your doc for an appointment. Getting the rubbish out of one room might help you feel like you are in a better place?

You are doing so well in your sobriety journey. As others have mentioned, a brighter future is awaiting you. You are obviously talented, clever and a really nice and thoughtful sober person, but just in a bit of a hole at the moment. My favourite thread when I wonder about what a sober future might offer me is https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ts-better.html (It Gets Better) - it inspires me maybe take a look?

My thoughts are with you - you are not alone.

Coz

Hi all

Just a quick post on day 19 for me.

Something really strange started happening for me yesterday - I suddenly became really clumsy and felt almost like I was drunk. I kept dropping things I was holding, broke my sun glasses and a plate, bit my tongue a few times while munching on lollies, put cuts in decking boards nowhere near where they were suppose to be, ......

I do remember having brain fog throughout my last two-month sobriety, and am definitely struggling with it again, but I don't remember being so clumsy. Anyone else experience 'clumsiness'? Maybe I'm just getting old?

venuscat

No love.....are you on your phone or computer? s

ReadyAtLast

That's great news So glad to hear you are taking positive steps and like your new therapist. Happy gardening. I must do the lawn tomorrow and start painting again after a few lazy days off.

Wastinglife

I've done in-patient rehab, 2 years therapy, AA, many antidepressants and medications. These things won't change my life circumstances. Still won't get a decent job, a wife, a house. I'm going to be 44 in a couple months and celebrate it alone, just like every Christmas. I'm just not very excited for the future. I consider myself ruined. I'm bankrupt. Lost my driver's license so have a criminal record. Last 5 jobs were menial entry level jobs that I quit or got fired from. So mo job references I can use. Last decade I've just been drinking. I am hopeless. It's true. Tried everything

I have had two periods of sobriety in my lost decade. I felt great, but still bored, lonely, feeling like a failure. ADHD is a disability and my late life diagnosis came just too late.

Wastinglife

Now with the pandemic, I will probably be more isolated than I've ever been. Another Christmas alone eating a sandwich. What I usually do anyway. Don't know how I can possibly stay sober. Actually, last Christmas, I was sober. Went to the movies alone.


I actually have many friends spread out. All married with kids in the Suburbs. They would be shocked to see my life now!

ReadyAtLast

Some very moving posts tonight. At least if we stay sober there is hope for the future. It does get better and life starts and grows but only when we stay sober. WL-Mr RAL was nearly 60 when he married me so plenty of time for you to have a future with someone.

Coz-I'm really clumsy this week, keep dropping things and struggling with jigsaw pieces-like an elderly person think it's quite normal at this stage.

Wastinglife

I am being more fatalistic than usual today, but because of this pandemic, I fear more isolation and misery

Coz

WL

I am not a psychologist and a little nervous about saying the wrong thing, and I know that the times I have been in that very dark place, no words from others helped much.

Some things that I'm sure you already know:
- early withdrawal stages are mentally debilitating and we don't think particularly well
- drinking more won't change the situation
- recovery is an option for trying to get to a better place, although it is hard to recover when feeling so down and wondering if it is worth giving it a go
- the past is the past and it can't be changed, but you can make the future different

You still have half your life to live and you deserve to enjoy and find happiness. I'm guessing that you want:
- a meaningful job
- a life partner
- friendships
- a house that you can call home
- love and happiness
- to like yourself again

All these things are awaiting you. While you currently think they are out of reach, they aren't - you just need to work towards achieving them. Step one has to be just putting focus on sobriety as the priority. Your addiction got you to where you are now, so you need to get through some of the tough recovery to be ready to start your next 40 years on a better foundation.

You might not be able to start in your perfect job straight away - might even need to start with volunteering in an area that you would like to be in. That way, you can get some good references and some experience to boot. Volunteering will help with some of the boredom you are experiencing, you'll meet new people in a sober environment and it will probably help your self-esteem no end.

It might take a while before you get your dream home, so maybe in the interim, make your current accommodation like home - get it cleaned up and comfortable. I'm sure it will make you feel better to be in a clean and comfortable place.

Relationships with others will only be meaningful when you can be you. I got married on my 50th birthday (second marriage) - you'll find the right person when you are you again.

You have a birthday coming up. Are you a Cancer star sign? We can organise a SR party! Just know you are never alone - we are here in our various stages of our emotional journey.

And on a side note, it is so great that you are posting your thoughts and feelings here. I know it helps me to share the burden of life with others.

It really might be good for you to have a chat with a counsellor - I know that you have had therapy before, but many on SR go back for more when life situations need educated assistance.

Again, thoughts and positive wishes are with you.

venuscat

I thought you were maybe a psychologist dear Coz, because you are amazing.
Just the most wonderful post.

Your thoughtfulness and ability to help is outstanding. ❤️

Wastinglife

I am going squirrely. Haven't slept since Sunday pretty much. That's why I am in a depressed mood. That and I feel like I'm being hypnotized/mind controlled through my wifi Haha.

Coz

Yep - sleep deprivation is a perfect form of torture.
I have no idea what the time is in Toronto, but maybe you should wear yourself out before bedtime. A brisk walk, a bit of cleaning, 50 star jumps??? Follow up with a shower/bath and a warm drink. And if you still need your "WiFi mind control", check out https://www.youtube.com/results?sear...=mindful+peace. Hopefully it might help you get a good night sleep!

Fallow

WL do you have a friend you could call and talk with? I find that helps me when I am in a dark place. The sad thing is some of our unfulfilled desires and regrets in life are much more pronounced when we put the bottle down. I have quite a few myself. I keep reminding myself that they won't go away by drinking.

Sober369

I hope you get some sleep tonight, WL. Coz had some great thoughts for you to think on and act on, too. Good for all of us, really.
Sending hugs.
I would be concerned about the sudden clumsiness, Coz. Did it get better?
Listae, Congrats on day 2!
What happened to Jewel I wonder? I hope she's okay.

Dee74

I don't agree with you here either.
The answer is not to throw up your hands and say I have this condition or that one or I have this history, and drink...

The answer is to stay sober, despite everything, and work at building a sober life you life.

I was older than you when I quit, I have a long lost of other conditions physical and mental and I drank for 20 years and smoked weed for 30.

Still got all those medical issues and some are even worse....but I have the best life I have ever lived now.

Don't let yourself be convinced there's nothing you can do,. There's a lot you can do.

It probably won't be easy, but I reckon it'll be easier than a drinking life.

D

Dee74

congrats to everyone on their milestones.
John I'm still pretty much stuck in lockdown - my PM inbox is always open

D