WL
I am not a psychologist and a little nervous about saying the wrong thing, and I know that the times I have been in that very dark place, no words from others helped much.
Some things that I'm sure you already know:
- early withdrawal stages are mentally debilitating and we don't think particularly well
- drinking more won't change the situation
- recovery is an option for trying to get to a better place, although it is hard to recover when feeling so down and wondering if it is worth giving it a go
- the past is the past and it can't be changed, but you can make the future different
You still have half your life to live and you deserve to enjoy and find happiness. I'm guessing that you want:
- a meaningful job
- a life partner
- friendships
- a house that you can call home
- love and happiness
- to like yourself again
All these things are awaiting you. While you currently think they are out of reach, they aren't - you just need to work towards achieving them. Step one has to be just putting focus on sobriety as the priority. Your addiction got you to where you are now, so you need to get through some of the tough recovery to be ready to start your next 40 years on a better foundation.
You might not be able to start in your perfect job straight away - might even need to start with volunteering in an area that you would like to be in. That way, you can get some good references and some experience to boot. Volunteering will help with some of the boredom you are experiencing, you'll meet new people in a sober environment and it will probably help your self-esteem no end.
It might take a while before you get your dream home, so maybe in the interim, make your current accommodation like home - get it cleaned up and comfortable. I'm sure it will make you feel better to be in a clean and comfortable place.
Relationships with others will only be meaningful when you can be you. I got married on my 50th birthday (second marriage) - you'll find the right person when you are you again.
You have a birthday coming up. Are you a Cancer star sign? We can organise a SR party! Just know you are never alone - we are here in our various stages of our emotional journey.
And on a side note, it is so great that you are posting your thoughts and feelings here. I know it helps me to share the burden of life with others.
It really might be good for you to have a chat with a counsellor - I know that you have had therapy before, but many on SR go back for more when life situations need educated assistance.
Again, thoughts and positive wishes are with you.