Numblady

Good morning and happy Thanksgiving friends!

Chase, I really try to block the sleepless years out of my mind, consciously or unconsciously. I feel like it has taken me until around now (youngest almost 8) to feel at least a little more like the ground isn’t spinning while I try to walk on it. Metaphorically of course and I’m not even talking about sobriety v. Non. Just about trying to navigate daily life with someone always yelling or crying or doing something related to a bodily fluid that ultimately ends up needing parental attention. Idk. I think you are wise to notice your weakness and get on here. If you are open to suggestion and not already doing it, I highly recommend browsing posts in Newcomers and Alcoholism forums on your phone. You can do it with less hands-on time required, literally, and many a time it has brought me back to where I need to be, either through reading about someone trying to start, someone who relapsed after a longer period of time, or people discussing the woes alcohol is bringing them.

Let’s see I pretty much just worked most of yesterday, which sucked. We’ve talked about resentments springing from expectation and I guess that’s what happened to me because I really believed it would slow down for day before holiday but I was woefully incorrect. I need to just move on but I know how difficult next week is going to be with a ll the things that are rolling forward to then so I’m in a mental state I need to get out of. Anxious about next week, feeling like I should work to get ahead, feeling like I should also take a break so I’m ready to work, feeling like I don’t want to work. All at the same time of course.

Also, last night my MIL was making fish and used white wine to cook the fish in. I went ahead and ate a little bit as it seemed very likely that the alcohol burned off and I didn’t want to be weird. But I guess in some circles that would be a major misstep. I honestly don’t know. I definitely don’t eat desserts that I know have booze in them, and wouldn’t have ordered this off a menu, but I don’t really know. I’m definitely not starting my day counter over for that! Also it does seem like my FIL is totally sober. He and I didn’t get much time to talk about it. He sort of just said it wasn’t really a conscious decision and he doesn’t really miss it. But then in a moment of more honesty he said that yes sometimes he did in fact miss it. According to my MIL she thinks the doc put the fear of God into him, telling him that if he had another drink he would die. According to her not only did he go through the DTs, he has fatty liver and it would just really ruin his health. After the stroke he seems very tired but doing remarkably well considering a little under a year ago he couldn’t even speak. It’s definitely less like a Tennessee Williams play which is kind of what I felt like I was walking into before coming down here.

It is nice to have some quiet time to post! I went to sleep around 8:15-8:30 and so even getting up around 5 a.m. I had a great night of sleep. Definitely thankful for that! And sorry Chase to even talk about it. I promise you I know after years of not sleeping that I am very lucky!!

I’ll probably be back later.

PalmerSage

Hi all! Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate. I went to bed late and woke up early, just like everyone else I'm sure. I was pretty productive last night, so this morning I will need to do a bit more cooking and then assemble all the appetizers and stuff for transport. I have a lot of happy memories of my family members cooking during the Macys parade, and when we were little my dad and uncle used to take us to the parade so we were not underfoot. Very COLD, but joyful too. I'm super thankful that my kids will have some of the same memories, although this year it will be with a completely sober mom.

Speaking of sober, my AV is whispering a bit now that the holidays are here. Nothing I can't shut down, but just thinking about the perceived void and feeling like I'm missing something somehow. I remind myself that the romanticized version of that glass of wine ends with despair and misery, with me shut back into the small, dark prison of my own making. Instead, I'll choose gratitude, which will be easy today.

Chase, I'm so glad you came in and posted! As difficult as it can be, I do think that trying to post something every morning (before the day gets away from you) can be extremely helpful, setting your intentions and making an intentional connection with other sober people. I associate my morning coffee with SR, so if I'm drinking it and not posting, I know something is off.

Numblady, I completely understand where you're coming from with the work emails. I used to be exactly the same way, whether it was a holiday, maternity leave, beach vacation, I was always connected and available no matter what. But honestly, do you know where it got me? Burned out, martyred, resentful, and in the end...no one cared. People who talked a good game but never actually produced were promoted, I was offered promotions I declined because I was afraid I would lose control over my schedule...but I never really had control, because I was so driven to be the one who responded immediately and prove that even though I wasn't always in the office, I was willing to work all hours at any cost. I know you're driven by your internal work ethic and quality standards, so it may seem unthinkable to detach, but it is probably really necessary for your longer-term well-being. OK, I'm stepping off my soapbox to say that I really hope you're able to tune out the noise just for today, and enjoy the things you never would have appreciated while drinking.

NC, that is an excellent point about my MIL...she may actually enjoy not cooking for once! Although I'm sure my BIL will stress her out, because he's a good cook but tends to take on too much and will make a huge mess in her spotless kitchen. She is one of those people who is always super nice and accomodating, but it can be hard to tell what she's really thinking. My FIL is a total stress case, so we'll know when he's annoyed, which is good and bad.

That's it for me right now, I hope everyone has a good day wherever you are!

Sunflower79

NewChapterJan18

Hi Class and Happy Thanksgiving!

I am afraid to say that I empathise with you, NL, whole heartedly on the work front. After months of toil and drama and stress, I left work yesterday evening feeling like I was finally beginning to turn things around, getting processes in order despite the other noise. I was actually excited to come in today, thinking it would be the first quiet day ever. It's comical how wrong I was. Arrived in to an absolute **** storm and it looks like everything I've been working on is f**ked. I just don't have the strength anymore. I left the financial services industry because I was tired and burned out with the pressure and the constant stress, politics and scape goating. I was initially going to do some work for my husband to support the company a little in the spare time I had while building my own business and client base. Due to a year of hell, this turned into a full time job of stress, deadlines and contention and I basically have ended up right back in financial services, except with added stress and a whole host of other jobs and tasks in addition to that role, and because it's my husbands company and naturally he is working 24/7, that means that we are working 24/7 and it feels like all the lines between relationship and work have become blurred. I have no idea what to do and I feel so stuck and frustrated and stressed and I literally can't see any way out. I need to talk to my husband but I don't want to abandon him in his time of need, and I don't even know what I would want to do instead at this point. I love him so much and he is so amazing, and don't get me wrong, working for myself/my husband has offered great flexibility etc. but I just don't think it's healthy any more to work together in this way. I feel so anxious and stressed all the time - I dream about accounts and clients and wake up with a feeling of dread every morning. Every conversation revolves around work.

Sigh.

I'm sorry to post such a slew of negativity, today of all days! It is incredible how much I value and appreciate you all here. I hope you are all having a wonderful day.


Sorry for the self centred tantrum post - I'll be back later when my head clears to respond properly to all of your posts!

Chase01

Hi all.

Newchapter, I am so sorry you are having such a tough time with work. I wish I could offer more than sympathy, but I don't know what to say. Mixing work with your home life, by working side by side with your husband, must add a lot of stress. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

Numblady, I hope you get to unplug from work, at least for a bit today. It is nice to hear that your FIL is doing better and sober. It would be nice if you could commiserate with him about sobriety.

Palmer, I hope you are enjoying not hosting. Take full advantage of that.

Sunflower, thanks for saying hi. You were having a bit of a rough time recently. Are you doing any better, now?

It is bitterly cold here, but I am in a nice warm house with my daughters, wife, and my parents. It is so nice having my parents here, they are so helpful. My older daughter has so much fun with my mom. It is a true gift to get to watch them interact and play. I hate to sound like a hallmark commercial, but I have to take a moment to recognize how amazingly blessed I am. When I look at how good everything can be it breaks my heart to think that I tried to mess it all up by drinking. Sober today, and that is all that matters.

Numblady

More later but really quickly want to say

NC, I just wanted to send you a big hug. It does sound like you need to find a way to talk to your husband about this. I can’t imagine how difficult it is well I mean i kind of guess i can since my parents are in business together but I feel like it ruined their relationship. Not to be too somber about it but just that you may be of more help to him long term if you’re not both in the same enterprise.

Palmer and Chase loved your descriptions of being sober and grateful today.

Hi to Sunflower

And more tomorrow...

Dee74

I hope you will get to talk to your husband BC - I don't think it's disloyal or unsupportive to do that

NL I dunno if it helps but the more sober time I have the more I tend to stand up for myself.

I don't think you should restart your time either but I would never eat something cooked in wine - no alcohol at all is my personal preference.

I've refused a family meal before like that - with all the attendant drama I'm afraid - but hey it never happened again ...

the difference is I guess I don't know how 'out' you are regards your quitting drinking?
D

PalmerSage

Hi all, checking in quickly after a long but mostly fun evening. NL, so sorry, we posted at the same time so I missed yours. I would absolutely not think of resetting my sober counter either after eating that meal, but it did make me pause to think about your MIL making that choice after what she told you about your FIL's brush with death? It would be nice to commisserate with him about sobriety, but it does sound like your reasons for quitting are so different. My mom is sober for similar reasons to your FIL, but given the opportunity, I definitely think she would start drinking again (not that your FIL would, it's just that there are not the same "joys of sobriety," it's more just a health-imposed deprivation in a way).

NC, your post really helped me to better understand the stress you're facing...which is daunting, to say the least. More later, but suffice it to say that you have my complete support.

Chase, it sounds like you're having a great holiday with all of your girls and your dad. It's awesome that your mom has such a special relationship with your older daughter, that must help when it sometimes seems like babies get all the attention.

Happy Thanksgiving Sunflower, and hey Dee! More tomorrow.

Numblady

Happy Friday! I guess it’s Black Friday but I’m kind of over the glorified consumerism and the sad side of humanity that I’ve seen comes out. I mean, not that I judge you if you are out getting a good deal. But maybe I would judge you if you get into a violent fist fight with a stranger over a Play Station.

Dee, thanks. Standing up for myself has not really been one of my strong suits. I’m pretty okay at standing up for others but as many of us in this group have discussed, feel selfish when I really try to be too adamant about what i need. I will say that although I haven’t gotten super far yet on that front I have noticed a very pleasant side effect of being able to tell when I just don’t want to do something. I always had these nagging thoughts that the reason I didn’t take the kids on this or that outing, that I never orchestrated a good family photo, that I didn’t want to do crafts, etc. was because I drank too much. Now I have the clarity to see that, yeah, I just don’t feel like doing that.

As for the wine in cooking it caught me really by surprise. I still feel okay about it. Kind of like I felt okay about buying NA beer but I know for some that is just a terrible idea. Idk. I only drank part of one and poured the other 5 out because I just didn’t want them, so I like to think it didn’t send me on some spiral. But at the end of the day I could have just skipped the fish and stood up for what I felt better about it. I am not going to beat myself up about it because I know why I didn’t do that but it is something to think about.

NC, I completely agree with Palmer that your post really helped to understand the stress you are dealing. Like I said I can’t exactly imagine the stress of it being your spouse but I have definitely experienced the stress of being in business as a family,. Even though it was just a year it has stuck with me. The family business for us is restaurants. First it was my dad. Then my mom and sister joined in helping him. And then me. It was like you could really never get away and not going in for shifts or doing whatever needed wasn’t just that, it had a much deeper dimension. And I was just working in the front-facing part of the store for the most part, not dealing with the budgets or staff and, like you are, the clients. I agree with others it’s not abandonment to talk to your husband about this. It’s awesome you all are in it together but maybe it’s time you diversified a little. Maybe this doesn’t have to be the decision but just the beginning of the change, to talk about it, to begin to think about what you DO want instead. I think your situation is like mine in that the job is not likely to change. Either we change our attitudes and embrace what they are, or we find different ones. Well, that sounds kind of somber too. Maybe it’s not quite that stark but that’s where I am right now so could be projecting on to you.

Palmer, yeah I didn’t even think about the weirdness of wine cooking vis-a-vis FIL. It certainly makes me think what she was doing was not deliberate. Maybe just kind hearted ignorance. I also don’t know to what extent they have discussed whether he coudl drink stuff cooked in booze or not. I don’t know how much they’ve discussed it period. I have been really open about quitting drinking. People don’t seem all that curious about it but if they are I tell them basically I just loved it too much and had to stop. But no one has asked here.

I’m still thinking about what you said about work. On the one hand I think a lot of the problem is not really that i want to get the gold star but that I feel very responsible for the people affected if I don’t do something. And the culture of the top leadership is not that healthy. So when we were on a call, our agency head and top two beneath him as well as a substantial portion of the executive team were there too. Then there was an issue where someone who does work for us was being sued personally over something that he absolutely shouldn’t have been but we don’t have permission from leadership to fight it — and I’m the one who needs to talk them into it...it’s stuff like that that is harder to turn off. However, if I’m being honest, I do notice that there are other of my peers who make substantially more money than I do but have far more of a balance and take less of a hands-on approach. Of course, I think some of the work coming out of their shops isn’t always the best but I guess the same could be said of my shop and I’m self-murdering over it so it’s clearly not worth it. And I’ve also noticed there have been times where I’ve taken personal responsibility for something and killed myself and it really hasn’t made a difference to the end result. Sometimes it does; sometimes it doesn’t. I’m sort of going back and forth in my mind between just trying to shift my expectations because the next 7 or so months are just going to be brutal and I need to just forget about cooking or other interests, and between trying to figure out a way to have a less hands-on attitude about some of the stuff, and also trying to structure the role of my deputy so we’re not doubling up and she is just the lead on some of it. Again, being honest, I’m not going to change jobs going into a legislative session so I need to figure out the best way to get through it. And a lot of it does come down to my attitude. If I don’t make it a big deal, it’s not a big deal. I’m not fleeing a war-torn country with starving children. I’m not fighting in Afghanistan. I’m not working three jobs and barely sleeping to try and make ends meet. I have a white collar, well paying job that has made my brain grow in ways I didn’t think possible and, while I probably do need to develop a firmer exit strategy, I dont’ have to do it today.

Hi again to Chase and Sunflower and anyone else lurking or posting!

PalmerSage

Hi all! Well, I was up SUPER early to do Black Friday with my SIL and niece. I love both of them, so it was fun despite the fact that we were exhausted, or maybe because of it, because we were just so silly. They are champion shoppers who were really looking for deals, whereas I'm relentlessly practical and tend to overthink my purchases. I was looking for specific things that I didn't necessarily find, but luckily I didn't get in any fights over PlayStations. Plus, these shops are very close to my house so I can really go there anytime, even if it costs me an extra 20%. I took a nap, and my family has gone to the sporting event I was dreading without me. NL, as you said, I just really didn't want to so I sort of stood my ground.

I feel pretty groggy from that nap, so I'm planning to go out and get some fresh air walking my dogs. I'm super thankful that I have an empty house for a few hours to decompress from the holiday and fold my laundry in peace. Hope all is well with everyone!

Numblady

Palmer I am impressed and I also feel kind of like an a&&hat for saying anything about Black Friday because it’s actually really sweet for people to get out and buy things for others—especially at the crack of dawn after a busy day! I’m still glad you didn’t get in any fist fights over a PS tho. . Your day just sounds really sweet all around. With the nap while skipping something that wasn’t a good choice for you, then plans of physical activity and housework. Just sounds like a very deserved quiet spell.

We leave super early tomorrow morning. I’ll be sad to go but it’s time. Maybe not to face reality but to get back to our own space. I’m writing this from a mattress on the floor that was meant for my daughter. And I have never met anyone with more dishes and glassware ever. But it stresses them (or at least FIL) out to use the dishwasher so we mostly use soggy paper ones. And a lot of focus is put on well just anything that is happening, again especially by FIL. I’m ready to go home and do laundry with abandon like the extravagant people we are

Hope to be back tomorrow. Should get home around mid-day and then will go work. Which is also what I’ll do Sunday afternoon. I’m mentally prepared for that at least. And the couple of days to do no work and puts around on things like backing up photos to the cloud and starting to get a better understanding of the middle school application process in addition to relaxing on the beautiful front porch and just talking or just sitting, has put me in a much better frame of mind. At least for now.

Have a great night! Or what’s left of it anyway...

PalmerSage

Hi all! Wow, I feel so much better today than I did yesterday, after a good night's sleep and waking up to my husband telling me he cleaned the kitchen and I should rest. Not sure what's gotten into him, but I'll take it! I'm enjoying my coffee before I start my day of helping my parents, trying to get my house in some kind of shape, and making a bunch of decisions for our house renovation (not as much fun as it sounds, sadly). I also need to walk and wash my dogs. I'm pretty relieved because I feel like the Thanksgiving hump is over and now I have 2 days off to start getting ready for the main event...Christmas...hellllpppp...

NL, I 100% did not take offense to your Black Friday comment, haha! It's really just a chance to bond with my SIL and niece by waking up super early, downing some coffee, and buying a bunch of stuff for ourselves without really thinking of gifts yet. The stores are super crowded, but it's fun too (Lululemon had a DJ). I'm glad you had some time to enjoy the porch at your ILs, but I'm sure it will be really nice to get home to your luxurious life of laundry!

Well, I'm off to start this day...hope everyone has a good one!

Numblady

Made it home safely! Going to try and sneak in a nap, then some chores and some work. Travel was fairly uneventful but I didn’t sleep great last night. I basically ended up knocking this tea set around and startling myself (my MIL has a lot of Knick knacks). Couldn’t stop thinking about all the stuff with the “friend” at work. Ugh.

Well I’m boring myself here. Can’t imagine how you all are feeling.

PS glad you got some rest. Hope today goes like you hope It will!

Bye for now!

Chase01

Hi friends.

All the outside family has gone home. We're all a bit sad, but we need to start figuring out our daily routine. I am definitely feeling a bit stressed and overwhelmed now that it is just the four of us. Once we do get settled into a routine i know i will feel better. We can handle it, we just have to get organized. The exhaustion doesn't help, but there is not much to do about that except persevere.

Palmer, your black friday expedition didn't sound too bad. I hope you enjoyed it. Did you have a nice walk? I bet the dogs enjoyed it.

Numblady, it sounds like you need to figure out a way to distance yourself from work, even if for just 30 minutes a day. Any thoughts on how you could do that? I hate to sound like a broken record, but it is that whole balance thing Dee is always telling us about. I am as bad as anyone at trying to practice that right now, but i try to think about it. I guess that is a start.

I had more to say, but started this post an hour ago and got interrupted. Now i can't remember anything else I was going to say. Oh well.

Dee74

nothing boring there NL

D

Numblady

Oh my gosh I had the worst dream. I dreamed that I just sort of absentmindedly accepted a glass of sparkling wine being pushed by my friend’s mother (coincidentally someone who I think has never drunk alcohol) and ended up with a buzz and a headache. I was so depressed thinking about starting my counter over and not making the one year mark but also more importantly how I’d let myself be so careless. Not wanting to come tell you all. I briefly considered hiding it. Having to figure out a better plan. Regretting everything.

The feeling of sweet relief and joy I had when I woke up in the middle of the night (with a bad headache but not from sparkling wine!) ... I wish I could bottle it and get it out if I’m ever tempted. And share it with any of you who want it. I was so sad. I was ready to pick back up and start again and come get advice, along with rooting on everyone else, especially Palmer as she nears the one year mark. But I was still so sad.

So thankful that’s not reality.

Chase, I do try to have a tiny sliver of me time at least every night. Checking here and then passing out to some reading, usually about sobriety. It’s anywhere from 10-40 minutes and does not involve work. But to your point I think if I’m just noticing that it is a mental break that may help. Even just having two days without working has made me feel a lot better so if I am really present in those moments that aren’t work then maybe I can get more out of them. Don’t know though. Sure it’s the same for others as it is for me in that anything I AM doing is 1000 things I’m NOT doing so I have some real work to do in reframing this all in my mind. Thanks for coming by to post amid the interruptions!

And thanks Dee! You are very kind.

Off, like usual, to try and motivate myself to work out!

PalmerSage

Morning all! The sun is out today, which is way better than yesterday's cold, pouring rain. I can get out to walk the dogs and we'll all be happier. Yesterday was kind of a bummer overall, it seemed like it was going to go well, and then bad moods (mine included) prevailed in the end. On the upside, we did get some important things done (including helping my parents) so it wasn't a total loss. The house remains a wreck, so that's my main project for today.

NL, I can only imagine the horror of that drinking nightmare! I've had similar dreams, and it's always the same...kind of a casual situation or a mix-up, and just the one drink or sip, but the relief that comes when I realize it's not real is incredible.

Chase, I'm thinking the best possible thoughts for your sweet little family!!!

More later, I'm being summoned again...

Chase01

Hey all.

Quick checkin to say hi. I am pecking this out one handed while holding a squirming bundle. I will try to post more later.

NewChapterJan18

PalmerSage

Hi all! Ugh, Mondays (although I'm kind of looking forward to getting back to our work/school routine). I was able to get a lot of exercise yesterday, because the weather was just absolutely perfect, and it had such a positive impact on my mood. The decision-making process for the house renovation has been kind of stressful and frustrating, mostly because my husband and I struggle to communicate at times and we are both just OVER this whole fire experience.

I regained 3 pounds over the holiday (no surprise there), so I'll have my work cut out for me today. I'm very careful about not feeling deprived, so my weight loss has slowed to mere ounces per week as I get closer to my goal. Much like sobriety, I need to think ahead and plan for life once the initial challenge is completed. It won't be easy, but for the first time in my adult life, things are seeming way more manageable and within my control. Lately, I keep thinking of the idea that alcohol seemed like the solution to my problems for a long time, until it became the main problem.

Ugh, I can hear the pouring rain already, but it will be a good day to hole up in my office and (hopefully) get myself organized. Chase and NC, I'm so glad you guys drove by and hopefully you'll have time to pop back in again soon. Have a great day, all!