Class of April 2014 Part 31
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Tough tonight even after a long walk & taking pictures of the All leaves. Incredibly vibrant this year & grateful to live in such beautiful place. Each time I think it couldn’t be tougher & here I am. I am going to get a few weeks sobriety & see again if I can find a good therapist. Just feeling so down on myself right now for being back here again despite all I have to lose. Anyway, I’m going to try &!take it easy on myself here & get some rest. Also extremely tired
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,804
Mariah, you're absolutely right, that it's SO important to stop beating yourself up - all that does is raise your anxiety levels and makes you reach for the drink again. I know it feels hard to just totally accept where you are right now, it feels like admitting defeat, but at the point of true acceptance, warts and all, you'll set yourself free.
No map will help you if you don't know for sure where you are.
I'm sure that self acceptance was the key that opened the door to recovery for me. Until then, I'd always just played with the idea that I "might" have a problem. The moment I accepted that I had, not just a problem but a life threatening illness, my mind shifted and focused completely on its recovery.
I don't want to be melodramatic, but addiction is life threatening, physically, emotionally and socially.
I hope this helps you, Mariah, if not then please ignore my outburst
Much love to all on this journey.
No map will help you if you don't know for sure where you are.
I'm sure that self acceptance was the key that opened the door to recovery for me. Until then, I'd always just played with the idea that I "might" have a problem. The moment I accepted that I had, not just a problem but a life threatening illness, my mind shifted and focused completely on its recovery.
I don't want to be melodramatic, but addiction is life threatening, physically, emotionally and socially.
I hope this helps you, Mariah, if not then please ignore my outburst
Much love to all on this journey.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Thank you Free.......I am reminding myself how dangerous this fire is for me. I pulled some info on binge drinking up & saved to my favorites a few days ago to remind me what exactly I do to my brain & organs when I drink & it’s not pretty.
2am & I’ve been awake for a little bit & going to try & get some more sleep.
Have a good day/night All!!
2am & I’ve been awake for a little bit & going to try & get some more sleep.
Have a good day/night All!!
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Thank You Up....I’m trying not to
I came home from work today & changed my clothes & went to town for awhile to find a gift for a family member, lastnight I walked as I’ve just been coming home & drinking most of the past two months, what an absolute waste of time & treating my body that way when I have health issues going on. Anyway I won’t be posting till late evenings when I’m settling in for the night. Feeling a bit more hopeful today. Tired.....goodnight all
I came home from work today & changed my clothes & went to town for awhile to find a gift for a family member, lastnight I walked as I’ve just been coming home & drinking most of the past two months, what an absolute waste of time & treating my body that way when I have health issues going on. Anyway I won’t be posting till late evenings when I’m settling in for the night. Feeling a bit more hopeful today. Tired.....goodnight all
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
Things have been tough here lately. Without paying attention I've been letting my subconscious / AV beat me down and tell me that I don't deserve a good life or even to be loved. Maybe it's right, that doesn't mean I have to stop trying to prove it wrong.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,804
Sounds like you have a plan Mariah, it'll be great to have you post in the evenings, it's a good way to round off the day. Things will ease up soon (as you know!), just keep up the good work and stay focused. :scoreboard
UP, is it possible for you to spend time with people who are more positive and less critical than those around you at the moment? We are all worthy of a satisfying life. What is a "good life" anyway? It's so different for everyone. Sometimes it's helpful to focus energy on what we want rather than on what we don't want. By doing that our minds and bodies have something to work towards, something positive to focus on. It's hard to turn things around when you're in such a difficult situation. Have you found any therapist to help you with this?
You do deserve a good life UP, and there's no reason to think otherwise.
UP, is it possible for you to spend time with people who are more positive and less critical than those around you at the moment? We are all worthy of a satisfying life. What is a "good life" anyway? It's so different for everyone. Sometimes it's helpful to focus energy on what we want rather than on what we don't want. By doing that our minds and bodies have something to work towards, something positive to focus on. It's hard to turn things around when you're in such a difficult situation. Have you found any therapist to help you with this?
You do deserve a good life UP, and there's no reason to think otherwise.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,315
Yes beating yourself up does no good at all.
Lied to my anger management therapist this morning.....
Didn't want to go....
It's an old Obo method. Lying to get out of something.
Another behaviour trait that needs desperate correction.
Sober though, 2 weeks now.
Lied to my anger management therapist this morning.....
Didn't want to go....
It's an old Obo method. Lying to get out of something.
Another behaviour trait that needs desperate correction.
Sober though, 2 weeks now.
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
Congrats obo
By a good life, I mean having a job that pays enough to let me live, not high on the hog but enough to get by. Also a job that I don't mind going to, not saying that I have to love it, just not HATE it.
By a good life, I mean having a job that pays enough to let me live, not high on the hog but enough to get by. Also a job that I don't mind going to, not saying that I have to love it, just not HATE it.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
I hope you find that Up.....as Free said you do deserve a content, happy life.
Your doing great Obo.....we can’t change it all overnight. Remember as long as we stay sober today, we’re on our way
We have a big event this afternoon at work so I am going on a bit later this am. I downloaded audible to my phone last night & some recovery books....mindful recovery. Staying in the moment.....
Your doing great Obo.....we can’t change it all overnight. Remember as long as we stay sober today, we’re on our way
We have a big event this afternoon at work so I am going on a bit later this am. I downloaded audible to my phone last night & some recovery books....mindful recovery. Staying in the moment.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,804
"Not high on the hog", I've not heard that saying before!
I'm with you on the job front, UP. getting this new job has made such a difference, even though I've not yet started it, and even though it will payer a lower hog level than what I'm doing at the moment. hope you'll get something good soon.
Hope your event goes well Mariah.
Great work on 2 weeks Obo.
I'm with you on the job front, UP. getting this new job has made such a difference, even though I've not yet started it, and even though it will payer a lower hog level than what I'm doing at the moment. hope you'll get something good soon.
Hope your event goes well Mariah.
Great work on 2 weeks Obo.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
I get a feeling most of us here weren’t raised up in the city
Good day, some fabulous entertainment at the community today.....Zydeco music by the best.....Alligator the Entertainer! He was fabulous & brightened the day
I have my 3 Grandsons for most of the day Saturday & really looking forward to it, I will spend tomorrow evening cleaning & child proofing a bit around here. I went over for youngest Grandsons Bday Party Sunday & when I got out of my car I heard “It is Grandma”!! I want to be around for these little guys, they love me so much. Glad to be sober tonight
Good day, some fabulous entertainment at the community today.....Zydeco music by the best.....Alligator the Entertainer! He was fabulous & brightened the day
I have my 3 Grandsons for most of the day Saturday & really looking forward to it, I will spend tomorrow evening cleaning & child proofing a bit around here. I went over for youngest Grandsons Bday Party Sunday & when I got out of my car I heard “It is Grandma”!! I want to be around for these little guys, they love me so much. Glad to be sober tonight
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,804
Have fun with the grand kiddies Mariah.....sounds a bit exhausting to me, make sure you plan a good rest day Sunday
Another week ticked off, only 6 weeks before I start my new job. Trying to tie up a few loose ends at work now. I think I must be annoyingly cheery from my colleagues point of view, but I just can't help it. I've needed a change for so long.
I've never lived in a big city, I wouldn't mind giving it a go for a while though. There's definitely a buz, with all the people rushing around. Where are they all rushing to? Surely not everyone can be late. It's a mystery.
Friday morning here, I'm in for the Bargain!
Another week ticked off, only 6 weeks before I start my new job. Trying to tie up a few loose ends at work now. I think I must be annoyingly cheery from my colleagues point of view, but I just can't help it. I've needed a change for so long.
I've never lived in a big city, I wouldn't mind giving it a go for a while though. There's definitely a buz, with all the people rushing around. Where are they all rushing to? Surely not everyone can be late. It's a mystery.
Friday morning here, I'm in for the Bargain!
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
I mostly grew up in LSD, Lower Slower Delaware. I wouldn't want to ever live in the big city.
Hope you have a great day with the little ones, Mariah.
In for the bargain.
Hope you have a great day with the little ones, Mariah.
In for the bargain.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Planning on it Up......the oldest, 7, loves doing experiments so Grandma spent the evening gathering, string, plastic cups, rubber bands. Baking soda, corn starch, vinegar....white & apple cider, some cool large clear plastic bulbs, jars, serious containers, mentos & corks.
Hope you have a good weekend Up
Hope you have a good weekend Up
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,804
Mariah, you reminded me of the little tanks we used to make when I was a child, we made them out of a wooden cotton reel, a slice of a wax candle, a match stick, and a rubber band. We used to build a castle with playing cards and then try to knock it down with our tanks. Ah...those were the days.
We'll be eating the last of our carrot crop for lunch today. I'm thinking of collecting some seaweed from the beach to use as manure over the winter. I've not tried it before, but down here, seaweed is both plentiful and free!
Hope everyone has a great start to their weekend.
We'll be eating the last of our carrot crop for lunch today. I'm thinking of collecting some seaweed from the beach to use as manure over the winter. I've not tried it before, but down here, seaweed is both plentiful and free!
Hope everyone has a great start to their weekend.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 801
I grew up in the city... don't miss it though .
back to day 3. husb walked into convenience store and watched me grab my goodies. He was so heartbroken. He couldn't believe I had gotten as bad as I have. When I told him how much I'd been drinking, he said, "well, you're a good drunk ... I never knew ..."
don't know if that's good or .... ????
Anyway, he's hiding keys and asking about why I'm coming home late when I'm working ...
I deserve it, I know. and the irony is- I wasn't going to aa bc then I would've had to admit that I still have a problem so I kept trying to deal on my own ... unsuccessfully, obviously.
I'm going back tonite. the only reason I stopped the last time was bc of my fall ... then I got out of the habit .... then one thing led to another.
No excuses, really. I have none. I feel so shameful. crying all the time.
no way to go but up, eh?
hope you're having fun with your grandbabies, Mariah- sounds like you're a fun grandma
.back to day 3. husb walked into convenience store and watched me grab my goodies. He was so heartbroken. He couldn't believe I had gotten as bad as I have. When I told him how much I'd been drinking, he said, "well, you're a good drunk ... I never knew ..."
don't know if that's good or .... ????
Anyway, he's hiding keys and asking about why I'm coming home late when I'm working ...
I deserve it, I know. and the irony is- I wasn't going to aa bc then I would've had to admit that I still have a problem so I kept trying to deal on my own ... unsuccessfully, obviously.
I'm going back tonite. the only reason I stopped the last time was bc of my fall ... then I got out of the habit .... then one thing led to another.
No excuses, really. I have none. I feel so shameful. crying all the time.
no way to go but up, eh?
hope you're having fun with your grandbabies, Mariah- sounds like you're a fun grandma
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