PhoenixJ

DEE- you accept guru but not Saint???

Drinking dreams suck. That is all they are tho- not a punishment, just the brain doing reruns.

Jillwink

Just checking in with my Nobenders....
I'm not on here as much as before in my early sobriety, when I spent hours daily here, reading and learning. I feel quite strong in my sobriety, and through the use of books, SR, and AVRT, I am confident in my never drinking alcohol again!
When I do check in with the SR forums, I gravitate more to the AVRT threads, as I find the daily support ones somewhat depressing.

I am 5 months sober! Yeah me!!

Sending love, hugs and support to all my friends here - those who need strength, and those you need a "hip hip Horray"!!

kevlarsjal

Hi nobenders, Dee and Phoenix!

Huge congrats on 5 months Jillwink! That's so great

You're right Kenton, I've never seen a situation where Dee didn't have something wise and helpful to say! Dee, are you one of the people who write all the wise quotes for motivational calendars and stuff? ;-)

Solly, well done on 23 weeks, amazing! have a nice, sober holiday! Sparkling water with lime is extremely refreshing, too! Or do you like tonic water? If it's hot outside I sometimes crave that bitter taste and it's a bit like beer in that way.

I'm still struggling with my cold. I have it for 2 weeks now already... I'm getting a bit frustrated cause I don't feel very happy when I'm ill. Yesterday my therapist said though, that it's normal and that it would be weird if I were happy when I'm ill cause it would suggest I like being ill. I've never seen it that way. I told her how hard it is for me to accept ups and downs or just changes in my mood or changes in general. She said it's good and healthy to experience ups and downs. Knowing that took away some of the stress and frustration I felt over not being happy. I really have to learn how to live.

The good news are, that I feel a definite improvement in my energy levels lately. I struggled with fatigue and low energy for so long and it just didn't seem to get better in sobriety, at least the first weeks were actually worse than in my drinking days.
But yesterday I got (for my standards) loads done. I got up at 7, went to my therapy session, did the groceries, went home, called my health insurance and made a doctors appointment at an asthma specialist, found a doctor that could see me for my ankle that day, went there which took 4 hours all in all, went home, ate lunch, went to an AA meeting and then went home, tidied up, did the laundry and cooked a healthy dinner.
All of that after only 6h of sleep, with a cold and a really painful ankle. That made me feel much better about sobriety and myself again.

The meeting was good again, it's a medium sized group and I like that it's not overly spiritual. Which isn't bad or anything but right now, I can't identity much with the spiritual part. What can be a bit weird is that I am much younger than all the others. I still can identify with a lot of what they say but it's harder to develop friendships or do things together when most of them could be my (grand)parents.

Then tonight my boyfriend was supposed to come over but I wasn't overly in the mood for company. So I asked whether he wanted to come over tomorrow at noon instead cause he mentioned how tired he was anyway. He agreed that this would be better for him too and now I somehow feel sad about this. How stupid. It was my idea from begin with. I am great at confusing myself. I'm getting better at not worrying or feeling rejected in situations like this though.

Have an amazing weekend everyone and a good and sober mayday! (Dunno where in the world it's a thing really but here the whole city will drown in beer that day, so I won't leave the house)

Poppy79

Morning lovely classmates.
First up, OH MY GOD Kenton, I had my first drinking dream the other night and it freaked me out! I woke up with this really odd feeling like I got hammered the night before. Then I remembered my dream so vividly. I downed a bottle of vino and was not happy about it (in my dream) but I still was searching for more.
Suffice to say I was not in a great mood most of that morning. It just put a spot light on the fact I can't drink ever again and it kinda peeved me off.
New day today so I am hoping the memories of that dream will fade into the recesses of my mind.
I just checked nomo and I am sitting pretty on 170 days, sooooo close to the half year mark, I can nearly taste it lol.
I've had a bit of brain fog lately, making tiny and silly mistakes at work, with days etc. It's annoying me. I'm hoping this passes soon.
Anyhoo, I hope everyone is plugging along nicely.
I wanted to give a shout out to rainy and say props to you for hopping back on the horse so quickly after your stressful move

Poppy79

Whereabouts in the world are you Kev? We have mayday (labour day) here in Oz on Monday. I thought it was just an Aussie thing.
I have a feeling you aren't in Australia, but somewhere like Sweden or the U.K.? Must be your name on here as to why I think that or you have said previously and my brain fog is being a douche again this morning haha.

kevlarsjal

Hi Poppy

Drinking dreams can be hard stuff to wake up from, they definitely give me (emotional) hangovers! Haven't had them for a while though. I still can't handle the thought of never drinking again, it freaks me out! So I still go with one day at a time and it works just fine. Less overwhelming and it saves me from feeling sorry for myself about never drinking again. Plus it keeps me from worrying too much in general, focusing on the moment.

Congrats on 170 days, you really are close to 6 months! I got my 6 months chip this Monday and it felt really good. Lots of hard work we're putting in this!

I am in Germany, but sometimes Sweden or the UK too. So you weren't that wrong and I think you remember correctly that I might have mentioned it before (a bit brainfoggy myself today) ;-) my nickname is Swedish (and so is my first name) and my boyfriend is English.

Dee74

Great to hear from you Jillwink - 5 months is great
Hope you feel better soon Kev

I think May Day is pretty universal Poppy - at least in countries with Trade Unions. Congrats on your nearly 6 months

LOL I think of myself as neither PJ. I keep my feets on the ground

hey PNW
D

Steely

My dear Nobenders, I F'd up monumentally last Wednesday drank following intense session with my therapist. Memories of abuse went into a zombified state and robotically walked into a pub. The rest is history.

Fell flat on my face, have black eye, ribs hurt, spine hurts everything hurts mental health notwithstanding. So deeply depressed with intense suicidal ideation. I won't act on the thoughts but they are unrelenting. I will not let this thing kill me by my own hand, I won't. Feel like I've let the team down too. Feel ashamed to come back but know that I can't do this alone so forgive my arrogance in thinking that I could. I have been to the doctor and have to have further more sophisticated X-rays on Tuesday. So, haven't had a drink since last Wednesday and expect for things to remain pretty much screwed until maybe 3 weeks time when my mental state has recovered a bit. It really does get worse with each idiotic dive into the deep end. I'm not counting days, just want to be sober each and every day henceforth. Some kind stranger gave me water as he/she (?) scraped me off the footpath. I am so ashamed and want to join hands again. OK?

There is an anger in me that I don't know what to do with and I'm a loving person, I know I am. Why do I self sabotage and hate myself so much? It's an imponderable at the moment with solution lying only in the not imbibing of alcohol. It went from one drink to madness in a split second.

Much time has elapsed and have not read anyone's posts but will read through today as don't feel quite up to the Boston Marathon or, here in Australia, the City to Surf. Insert weak smile.

Gee, the Korean stuff is scary hey? Stay safe world, I love you, and you are so fragile.

Don't want to go to any other Class just want to stay with the Nobenders.

Can't proof read, too exhausted, so hope this is not an hodgepodge of grammatical thought disordered incomprehension. Rock on Nobenders. Press 'send' NOW!

Steely

I need to thank Soberwolf who randomly PM'd to say hi and without which I would not have have had the courage to reach out. And that goes for Dee too. What good people they are. Thank you both. There is no emoticon that does justice.

kevlarsjal

Thanks Dee!

My dear Steely I am so sorry for what happened and what the addiction did to you. I almost send you a message today cause I was thinking about you, wondering how you are but then I wasn't sure if that would be annoying and I didn't want to be too much, so I didn't. Maybe next time I should? I'm glad Dee and Soberwolf did that though and encouraged you to post.

Nobenders aren't complete without you, wasn't it you who came up with that name anyway?

I would like to say much more but it's already past bed time for me. So I just say welcome back on board and please be kind to yourself and take good care of your body and soul, I know it's not easy. Self-hate and destruction can be unlearned though. That's what we have to do.

I hope you're not in too much pain physically and good luck with the X-rays, I'll get my hips, knee and ankle X-rayed next week.

I'm feeling with you Steely, sending you love and hope!

Dee74

I'm really glad you're back Steely. I've been in a similar position before - I've fallen down stairs through glass topped coffee tables and off balconies.

They say God protects drunks and fools - maybe I got double protection?

I wish I'd known about SR back then. This is the best place for you to be IMO.

D

Jillwink

Oh, Steely, I am so sorry for what you're going through. I remember falling down stairs (drunk, of course) and breaking three ribs on our first night of family vacation at the beach. I know you're in pain - mentally and physically. I am glad you're back here. Sending you a big hug

Steely

Thank you all so much. It feels good to be back, isolation is no good for the human spirit.

Steely

I WANT and am GOING to change. The time has come.

Poppy79

Awww Steely, so sorry to hear about your recent slip. It's a wake up call and massive reminder that staying sober requires a lot of fight on our parts. And sometimes we just don't have the fight within us. Bloody glad to see you back though and reaching out for support on here, cause you got it in spades hun.
I don't know how to PM on here yet but I'm glad Phoenix and Dee do and reached out to you. Two troopers who deserve tons of gold stars for their kind words and support.
Stay close Steely, I want to see you post at least daily
And chin up, you KNOW you can beat this horrid addiction, you had 6 months and those 6 months are not lost by any means
xoxoxoxo

kenton

Hi Steely, I know it's only words but please please don't feel ashamed. I've broken wrists and my ankle by falling over drunk and given myself black eyes and countless mysterious bruises. I also broke my collar bone after trying to escape out the window of a room I had drunkenly locked myself into. On the third floor. I hardly ever let my mind go back to that time and place but the point is, all those injuries healed and yours will too. You will recover from this, physically and emotionally and you have nothing to feel ashamed about. I sometimes feel I post on here far too much but right now I can't imagine my life without SR. I think I would definitely be drinking again if I didn't check in here every day. Maybe that will change in time but right now it's what I need and you already know that you need it too.

And your line, 'it went from one drink to madness in a split second' how powerful is that? Such an amazing reminder of the realities of drink for us. That line cuts through all the advertising and glamorisation of alcohol and says it like it is. I've written that line at the front of my gratitude journal and underlined it many times. That line will be in my thoughts every time I feel tempted to drink. So no more shame. You should feel proud that you're helping others so much. Thank you

Steely

Poppy and kenton

To feel understood is so important, and you both understood. Thank you so.

Steely

In keeping with Poppy's instructions (luv ya Poppy )I am posting here everyday even if only a line.

My mission today is to go back and read everyone's posts that followed my downfall. Up ya get Steely.

Body hurts all over but my black eye is looking better but really, really depressed. I'll give it a bit more time and if not improved will seriously consider anti-depressants though loathe to do so as took me a long time to come off them last time, over two years ago.

The flat looks like a tip and will tackle the kitchen too. Baby steps only. I'm a toddler, but not a drunken toddler

Love to all, and now to read back on your posts.

Steely

Hi Kenton. Thank you for being so honest about injuries and stuff. Thought I was the only drip who did stuff like that. Had a really scary image of you as one of the Beagle Boys as you tried to escape out of that 3rd floor window. This is death stuff, in real terms.

Fair dinkum I fell off a ferry once between the boat and the wharf, why I wasn't crushed defies the laws of physics. Sorta defied gravity, as I resurrected myself to the wharf. Other passengers looked on agog as I just rose from the water. Maybe Dee is right in saying that God looks after fools and drunks. And you know what? Instead of recognising how close to death I had been, lamented the fact that my box of wine had gone to Davey Jones' Locker. Is that mad or what!

Ladyshipwreck

Sorry I've been absent. My brain has been a jumbled mess lately but I'm still sober.