My dear Nobenders, I F'd up monumentally last Wednesday drank following intense session with my therapist. Memories of abuse went into a zombified state and robotically walked into a pub. The rest is history.
Fell flat on my face, have black eye, ribs hurt, spine hurts everything hurts mental health notwithstanding. So deeply depressed with intense suicidal ideation. I won't act on the thoughts but they are unrelenting. I will not let this thing kill me by my own hand, I won't. Feel like I've let the team down too. Feel ashamed to come back but know that I can't do this alone so forgive my arrogance in thinking that I could. I have been to the doctor and have to have further more sophisticated X-rays on Tuesday. So, haven't had a drink since last Wednesday and expect for things to remain pretty much screwed until maybe 3 weeks time when my mental state has recovered a bit. It really does get worse with each idiotic dive into the deep end. I'm not counting days, just want to be sober each and every day henceforth. Some kind stranger gave me water as he/she (?) scraped me off the footpath. I am so ashamed and want to join hands again. OK?
There is an anger in me that I don't know what to do with and I'm a loving person, I know I am. Why do I self sabotage and hate myself so much? It's an imponderable at the moment with solution lying only in the not imbibing of alcohol. It went from one drink to madness in a split second.
Much time has elapsed and have not read anyone's posts but will read through today as don't feel quite up to the Boston Marathon or, here in Australia, the City to Surf. Insert weak smile.
Gee, the Korean stuff is scary hey? Stay safe world, I love you, and you are so fragile.
Don't want to go to any other Class just want to stay with the Nobenders.
Can't proof read, too exhausted, so hope this is not an hodgepodge of grammatical thought disordered incomprehension. Rock on Nobenders. Press 'send' NOW!