Steely

PS: I only took 2mg of Valium and I had been going well there, and was somewhat proud. Also buying nicotine replacement therapy today as really do not want to smoke, it makes me feel sick.

Sleep tight kenton, and I put the sledge hammer down. Thanks.

kevlarsjal

Thank you Steel and Kenton, you both made me cry with your posts. I know I'm not a bad person. And I know life can be good. What I sometimes don't know is how to survive that incredible pain. I also know that it's not 'real' it's only in my head but it's almost destroying me sometimes. I will respond in more detail to your posts but now I am exhausted and it's bed time, so I just wanted to let you know that I am okay-ish. My boyfriend calmed down and apologised to me for overreacting, saying he didn't mean to really break up with me. I am confused. Let's see how this looks tomorrow.

Thanks to you too, Dee! At the moment, being okay and somewhat stable is my goal, happiness will take a while, I think.
My therapist is away for the next 3 weeks, so no one to talk to really.

Good night nobenders, so grateful to have you in my life. I don't know what I'd do without you and I love every single one of you!

Steely

Good night kev and we'll talk about the removal of all that pain tomorrow, your time. I've got a few ideas and need to enact them myself, armchair philosopher that I am

Being sober, somewhat stable and OK'ish is a damn good start.

Steely

I think my above post must be one of the most ridiculous posts I've sent kev.....see you tomorrow and glad you are feeling better.

kenton

Nothing ridiculous about any of your posts Steely. Believe me. Your words always make me think/laugh/learn. I'm so sorry for all you're going through. Good luck with the nicotine replacement therapy and you know what? Being sober, somewhat stable and ok'ish is better than good. It's a fantastic start. Kev, hope today is a better day. Sending love and support to everyone xx

Steely

Thanks kenton. Just felt that after my last fall from grace it sounded a bit presumptive.

Just so long as our mate kev is OK, then all is well. So long as we are ALL sober and moving forward then presumptive posts can be excused.

Me, just made a firm decision about a friendship that was bringing me down and feel so much the better. Suddenly it all became crystal clear, and I took my stand.

We're movin' forward kev, and happiness isn't the big goal for me. Contentment and acceptance of self is what will bring me joy and peace. Onwards, little sister.

Hope you are doing well kenton, your contributions have been wonderful.

Dee74

I saw no ridiculousness either?

D

badgerden

oooooooh dogggies! time got plum away from me!! Happy Mayday Nobenders! I have been crazy involved with the new health / fitness program, balancing calories, logging stuff in. I spend more time on the computor I think than exercising!! 160 some days of blissfull alcohol freeness, some days were much easier than others,, just one or 2 also crossed my mind a few times, after all, who would know?? Me thats who,,,,

Steely, Kev, poppy and all, i hope you are doing well and am ready for the summer.

Rainy- how is the house?

Dee- thank you for keeping us together!

Badge

kevlarsjal

Steely my dear friend. I don't know what to say, I'm bad with words and expressing my emotions. So I just say 'thank you' and it's not out of politeness but really and truly comes from my heart.
Like so often, I can relate to so much of what you said. Not really wanting to die but for the pain to go away.

I'm so sorry to hear how your son treats you, that must be tough Finding and loving ourselves, that's the solution. If I only knew how to do that? I hope I won't offend anyone by saying this but I was always one of those complete atheists that don't think much of religion. But now I'm so desperate to get out of my hole, that I started to pray regularly. I don't know who or what I'm praying to, I just hope that something will help. Everything is good enough for me, I no longer think I don't need AA or I don't need a HP, god or what you wanna call it. I need all help I can get, that's what I realised now.

What I also realised is, that no boyfriend and no one else can give me enough love to fill that massive 'hole' in my soul. It's only me who can do that. And I have to do that, I think this is my long term goal. To love and respect myself, to be my own best friend. We are strong, we made it this far and we will get there!

What you said really touched me and I do too feel very close to you. You give me so much and your friendship means a lot to me. It's so good to have you back here! We have to do this, but we don't have to do this alone!

I can't wait to hear what ideas you came up with, please share them with us and don't worry, nothing you ever said here sounded ridiculous. Relapse is part of our disease, addiction, struggle and it doesn't make devalue any of your ideas.

I like to see ourselves as toddlers, learning to walk for the first time. So there's nothing to be ashamed of if we fall or not walk as gracefully or steadily as a grown up. It's painful but part of the learning process.

And i hope the nicotine replacement therapy helps, one step closer to an (active) addiction free life

Kenton, you've said so many lovely things. What you've said, is all so true. Living my life in denial is no longer what I want, i don't think I'd call it living, I was just surviving, somehow. Last night it all became so much, that for a moment I couldn't remember why I am doing this. The pain made everything else invisible. Thank you for reminding be, helping me and being there for me.

I'm so glad you've joined our class! You are lovely, caring, compassionate, strong, intelligent and just wonderful, a true nobender

Steely and Kenton, my amazing friends. You both have such a big heart. Thank you for your meaningful posts and beautiful words, your support and understanding. I'm more than greateful to have found and joined this class and to have people like you in my life. Coming here really saved me last night, you gave me new hope. Much love to you!




Today is a better day, I just feel empty and exhausted but glad to be alive and sober. And I'm so confused.

I don't know if it's me who's horrible or what the problem was. The thing is, I'm still getting to know myself and trying to figure out how to deal with emotions. That makes it so hard for me to judge what's going on.

He spend the day outside sketching and after 4 hours I texted him, saying I was sad because I thought we'd spend time together and that I felt lonely. I told him it was just because I have been so isolated lately and we hadn't seen all week long. Also he came over a whole day later than we had said earlier, so our time together was already shortened.

If I hadn't been ill this wouldn't have been a problem at all, I could've joined him and done some drawing myself or gone for a run (how I miss running!!). Also when I still drank, situations like this were easy to handle cause I'd watch some telly with a bottle of baileys and the bad thoughts and feelings would've been washed off. So I know I first have to learn is how to handle this sober.

What he understood, somehow, was that I don't want him to spend time drawing outside in general. He didn't understand that it was just because I'm ill and lonely and I didn't see him Friday /Saturday. He got so angry with me just because I said I was unhappy about him leaving me alone for so long that he broke up with me, saying horrible things like he's done with me, he can't stand me and that I made myself seem much nicer than I really am. I just don't understand why he gets so angry when I'm sad something he did.

Today he said, he did never wanted our relationship to end, he was just looking for a solution. And that he thinks he overreacted because of what most of his exgirlfriends said. Apparently they said it wasn't okay for him to draw and they tried to control what he's doing. Then he asked me if I still loved him (which I don't even know why he'd question that) and said it hurts and upsets him, when I don't see how important I am to him and how he spends much more time with me than he did with anyone else.

We never used to fight but now it's once a week and I don't know if I'm the problem or not.

I know it's my insecurity and feeling so lonely that I have to learn to deal with. And I know it's because I am home alone, stuying by myself during the week and him being in the office all week so he wants to have alone time on the weekend and I want company. I know this will change when I start working next year but why does he get so frustrated when I feel lonely? I don't understand it, should I keep it to myself?

I don't want our relationship to end but he feels like he's walking on eggshells trying not to upset me and I feel like I can't be honest about how I feel (if it has to do with him) without him getting angry.

Sorry this turned into the longest post I ever wrote (?). Wishing all you nobenders a good start into the new week and new month! The support of this group is overwhelming. I seriously don't think I'd made it this far without you amazing people and I don't dare thinking of where I'd be this day if I hadn't found our class. I love every single one of you.

And I can only second what badge said, thank you Dee for keeping this group together!

Steely

My post will be brief (can I hear cheering? ) as have to have x-rays done today as a result of my fall. Apparently it will take 4 1/2 hours which is a drag, but trying to read it as another step in the right direction. Self care.

Usually I just tough stuff out and forego doctors. It needs doing though, as my back is really hurting. Sick of self destruction.

I think you've got it nailed kev in understanding that it is only ourselves that can fill that hole, and get to know and love ourselves.

Usually this is achieved out of good parenting, and having people in our lives that encourage our growth, not put us down. Sadly, this was not the case for me, and many of us here, I would hazard to guess.

We become our own good parent and friend, and nothing worse than a drunken, emotionally absent parent or friend. The job is with us now. Sober is the beginning.

You express yourself emotionally, and with words really well kev. Just another case of self criticism I think, and just as others pointed out to me, that what I saw as a "ridiculous post", was not ridiculous at all. I am so self critical.

I think this self criticism comes from always being criticised and ridiculed as a child and then, in adulthood, the criticism was realised and borne true, when I picked up alcohol. Self fulfilled prophecy.

You would know these things kev as you are smart. Let's start changing these negative self perceptions and fill that hole with positive self love and nurture. So for me, just getting to the doctor is a step in that very direction. Taking care of myself. Hope the x-rays don't show a fair dinkum hole in my heart.

So happy for you badge. You are powering!

Was listening to some jazz the other night and suddenly found myself drawn into the romanticism of the Speakeasy, sipping gin out of a cool glass with an olive or something.

I turned it around to the reality, which saw me floating face down in the bathtub gin, no olive! You handled your fleeting thoughts so well. Well done badge.

Well, this brief post has lost its brevity and I must exit stage left, and prepare for radiologist.

Hi to all, and as you can see Poppy I am posting daily. Thanks Queensland.

kenton

I'm so glad today is a better day Kev. Keep doing what you're doing; working towards your long term goal, to love and respect yourself. That's a great goal. Think I'll make that my long term goal too.

What Steely said made me think. About being criticised and ridiculed as a child. My dad was alcoholic and my mum had major brain surgery when I was a child. I remember praying that she would survive the brain tumour and she did. But when she eventually came back from the hospital, she was a completely different person. The surgery had changed her personality. She hated me and wanted nothing more to do with me. I tried so hard to make her like me again but it was like the loving part of her had been removed. Life from that point became pretty miserable and what made it worse was all the guilt. It wasn't her fault she'd had the surgery after all. It wasn't her fault she'd changed. She pretended to the outside world that everything was ok but in reality she was as cold as ice and could hardly bring herself to look at me. I felt like it was all somehow my fault and the alcohol I started stealing from my dad at about age 13 quickly became my best, secret friend.

I guess like Steely said, I never learnt at a young age to love and understand myself. However, I love my children unconditionally so I know I'm capable of feeling and showing unconditional love. Maybe I need to throw a little of that love my way too once in a while. Maybe I need to stop the self critical dialogue inside my own head.

Thanks once again Steely and Kev for making me stop and think. I used to think I was just someone with a drink problem. Turns out I'm way more complex! Every minute I spend soberly thinking about stuff like this; stuff that will help me heal, is a minute I spend learning to love and understand myself.

Hope all goes well with the X ray Steely and they can do something to help make your back less painful.

I'm off to bed now with my head spinning from all the stuff I've learnt from this amazing place. Thank you everyone xxx

Steely

Oh kenton, have only been back from the radiologist's for a little while and am so tired could not do your post justice.

I took in every word and am so sad about your Mum's change towards you following surgery. My son was involved in an car accident at 18 months and in coma for a week. He has been left with residual problems to this day.

I know the neuro ward well and am so sorry kenton. Seems like a lot of us have that damnable internal dialogue going on which tells us that it 'is all our fault', and punish ourselves, or wipe ourselves out with the grog. I reckon these are the things we have to work on, together somehow.

The best I can do right this minute is is to say I understand, and that your posts have helped me immensely. To share these deeper things is so important because they lay at the crux of our malady, I reckon. With that insight we may well be able to really "let it go", and grow good

No excuses, just understanding so that we might lay all that grief and trauma aside as sober grown ups. And be lovin' it

Thanks kenton, I am so glad you joined our class.

Got to catch up with everyone soon, and as Solly says, "keep the faith".

Ananda

Just screwed up an lost my post!

I'm reading and relating ... but a bit uncertain about what to say right now.

I'll check back in later. I'm up at daft o'clock in the morning and thought I would visit with those of you who are in the future and enjoying the latter part of today

I appreciate all of you allowing me to listen in.

Dee74

I'm really sorry Kenton. I can't imagine how a child deals with that...or maybe I can seeing as we all picked the same maladaptive way to cope at some point in our lives.

I'm glad we all the the opportunity now for a fresh start and a second chance

D

Steely

Listen in or rave on ananda, so long as we are engaging that's all that matters.

For a tiny second (how can you have a tiny second ) there, when I saw your I thought that you may have picked up and was preparing for a recuperative post on my part but no, it was the rotten 'lost post' which was a relief to see.

I wanted to put a sledgehammer through my computer last week for same reason. Hard enough stringing words together as it is (for me, ie), but to lose them makes for hard metal.

Great to see you there eating your popcorn at daft hour, please keep posting and hope you are doing well. We all have something to say ananda, give it a shot.

kenton

Hi Ananda, I read your post and thought, "oohh, I hope I'm one of the people in the future!" Sadly I'm not as in the future as Steely and Dee and Poppy. Those guys are so in the future, it's crazy.... anyway I'm digressing from what I wanted to say which is I joined this group WAY after everyone else and everyone has been really welcoming and lovely. Sometimes I worry that I post too much but I figure people don't have to read all my posts and if posting makes me feel calmer and not drink, then post is what I shall do. Whatever you want to write, I will read and try to help if I can.

Thank you Steely and Dee for your lovely words. There is a black cab driver in London right now who thinks I am bonkers because I was sitting in the back of his cab on my way to a work meeting and reading your posts and your kind words made me cry. And not just little, blink them away tears but big, fat rolling down the face tears. And then this seemed to trigger some kind of emotional meltdown because before I knew it I was sitting in the back of the cab doing that whole hyperventilating thing that sometimes happens when crying seems to override the ability to breathe. The cab driver took all this in his stride (god knows what he sees in the back of that cab), gave me a tissue and told me "everything will be ok". And the amazing thing is, I think he's right. I think I'm feeling emotions now that have been buried away and drowned out by booze for years and years and years. They're all coming to the surface now and it feels sometimes overwhelming and often scary but I'm facing them. And I'm not drinking. I think I can do this. I think with you guys in my corner I can really do this. Can't express how grateful I am xxxx

Steely

I need the sledgehammer

Just lost a long post in response kenton. Big fat tears rolling here in the future too, and not because I lost my post, but because of all that you said kenton.

Have to prepare to visit my Mum in her nursing home so no time to rewrite.

My love to all.

Dee74

I wasn't always 'here' - I spent a very long time 'there'.

Nothing particularly special about me -If I can do it..

sorry about the posting problems. If I could fix it, would

D

kevlarsjal

Steely, I love your long posts! They're always insightful, heartfelt and often very entertaining (as in funny) to read. So keep them coming
Well done for taking care of you. How did it go at the radiologist? I hope nothing bad was diagnosed and no hole in your heart was found!!? I still have to go this week but I'm scared of the radiation. I was exposed to so much of it last year when I had a couple of CT scans done because of my kidney surgery and I worry about it effecting my fertility.

I think what you said about it normally being our parents teaching us that self love is true. Mine were way too focused on themselves and making each other's life like hell. And my brother hated me from the moment he heard about my mums pregnancy. There was generally just much more hate in my family than love.
Seeing myself as a parent/friend is a good idea, it really makes it clear why I can't help myself or love myself when I'm drunk.

What you said about being so self critical sparked off a whole internal conversation in me, that made me write down 5 pages in my journal how knowing about my alcoholism effects my self esteem. The odd thing was, that I noticed how I felt so bad about being an alcoholic, to me that makes me a much worse human and I doubt it'd be a good idea for me to have kids in the future, when I'm the ticking bomb I am as an alcoholic. That's odd because I don't think that way about my BF or other alcoholics. I don't think that alcoholism makes him or any of you less of a good human. But when it comes to myself it gives me reason enough to hate myself for that. Then I thought about it some more, why it's such a big problem. And I came up with a theory. The key message being that I feel like the old image I had of myself got totally shattered because I found out I had been living a huge lie, lying to myself about my drinking to no end and actually believing it, which is scary. Now I am very sceptical about everything I thought I knew about myself, leading to not having much of an idea of who I really am, therefore not having much of a sense of self and therefore not having any self esteem.

I bought the book 'under the influence' and started reading it today. I hope that by understanding how alcoholism works on a biochemical level I will be able to accept that it's not my fault and maybe help me to forgive myself that flaw. And accept it.
Also reading that book made me feel better about not going to a meeting today. I'm still ill and didn't feel like going but this way I still could do something for my recovery.


Kenton, I read your post about your mum last night and I really wanted to say something to you, letting you know that I think of you and that you have my love and support but something broke, the tears came, I couldn't stop them and I got way too emotional.
It must've been so hard to deal with that, I can't imagine. For me, it was only my brother hating me. My parents never hated me but each other and I often became the target of their stress and anger. They were both often cold and didn't show me much love but at even in the worst times, from time to time there was proof of their love for me.
My dad is an alcohol too and has a very strong personality. He's been through a lot himself and is filled with pain. I always tried, and still try to please him and I just want him so much to be happy. Accepting that I can't please him and make him happy by living the life he has planned out for me (cause it'd make me unhappy and destroy me over time) is something I have to learn.
'and the alcohol I started stealing from my dad at about age 13 quickly became my best, secret friend.' That really hit home, it was the exact same for myself. I'm still fascinated by the amount of similarities in our lives, thoughts and emotions in this class.

Before I stopped drinking and started therapy (both the same day)half a year ago I thought I only suffered from PTSD from the rape and robbery. I never thought the drinking itself or my dysfunctional family were a problem. I knew my drinking in the morning and noon was problematic but I thought the shakes and anxiety I'd get if I didn't drink were just there because I was a stressed and nervous person. I never even thought it could be caused BY the drinking. How stupid can one be?!

By the way I do worry too, that I post too much, that no one wants to read my posts, that they're too boring, too depressing and mostly too long! ( this one's no exception!) but I guess we all have to ignore these thoughts. And like you said, no one's forced to read them!

Oh you live in London? I hope I don't say anything wrong, but I love-hate that city! I bet that cab driver's seen much worse and by the way who says being emotional is a bad thing? My therapist just taught me that they are good and healthy and that I should appreciate them because there's people out there who suffer from complete absence of emotions, which is very unhealthy and difficult for them. Dealing with them sober for the first time is tough **** though but you're right, it might be scary and overwhelming but we're facing them and we can do this!

Ananda, please don't be shy, feel free to post anything that's on your mind. And please don't let our longer, deeper posts scare you off. You don't have to answer to others' posts, and your post can be as long / short as you wish. Maybe just let us know how you feel or how your day was?


The other night I had a very literal dream that I feel like sharing with you guys because I think it describes a situation many of us are in.
I dreamt that I owned this house, (don't know if I bought it or where it came from, but it was mine) it was small, old, the paint was coming off and the upper floor and roof where crooked, almost collapsed on one side. I had to decide whether I want to keep it and fix it or just wanna let it rot. I went inside and it looked like it'd be a ton of work but I decided that I wanted to fix it. As I was walking around inside the house I found a box of old photos hidden somewhere under the roof, where the house looked the worst. I looked through them and they all showed sad or traumatic moments of my past and other stuff I haven't dealt with yet. Many where of my beloved cat I grew up with, of other relatives that passed away, one of my mum hitting me and others showed more disturbing things that I just don't feel like typing out now.
The dream left me feeling horrible after being confronted with all these memories and emotions but when I was thinking about it again later that day, I liked that dream. I understood it as the house is myself, maybe my soul? And I have been abandoning it for ages, not taking care of it, therefore the horrible condition. Then I came to a point where it (or I) was about to collapse if not been taking care of. And instead of letting it / me collapse, I decided to confront it, and work on it. And opening that memory box of old photos speaks pretty much for itself I think.

Maybe I've just been watching too much 'fixer upper though'

kevlarsjal

Shorter post this time, I promise!

Today was okay. One of these days where I'm just sad, anxious, feel lonely and wish I could hide in bed all day, not talking to anyone. I feel oversensitive, emotional and extremely vulnerable. Like strangers outside could harm me by just looking at me.
But it think I delt with it okay. I accepted that it's 'one of those days' but I didn't let it keep me from going outside and getting some errands done. It wasn't the most extreme of these days but I feel like I get better at dealing with them. And I didn't feel like drinking, woohoo!

In other news I tried cooking with alcohol free wine for the first time today. When I opened the bottle I gave it a sniff, it smelled like normal (cheap and slightly sweet) white wine so I didn't want to drink any of it. The weird thing was, it didn't even smell tempting to me. Until now I always thought wine smelled extremely good when someone in the same room as me drank it (I have a very powerful nose, haha). Maybe it was different because there was no alcohol in this wine? So it didn't smell tempting to my addict brain?

Anyway, the food turned out really nicely and I like that I can cook all my pasta and fish dishes that need white wine in them again, without adding alcohol to them.

Have a wonderful day everyone, thinking of you all xx