Meraviglioso

Morning everyone, it is early here. I barely slept, and of course woke up feeling terrible about my decision to drink yesterday. I just sent a message to my psychiatrist and he called right away. I told him I was scared by my inability to quit for good and wanted to know about rehab programs. He said there is an inpatient about an hour away and an outpatient in a closer town. Unfortunately he still can't see me until Friday. I don't know how to hold on that long. I am just exhausted by this battle. Simply exhausted. I feel like giving up completely and just accepting that this is how my life will be. But something inside of me keeps trying to fight. But I'm tired. so so so so tired of this. So tired. I don't want to drink today. or ever. But I no longer believe in myself. Yesterday and every day before I would have declared "I will not drink today" but I no longer believe it. I don't trust myself anymore. I feel right now in this second that I don't want to drink with all of my heart. But I'm sure that will change within hours and I will. I cannot do this anymore.

Keets

I'm still here finishing off day 7 well according to,the time starring day 8'

Meraviglioso

Great news! My doctor called back, someone cancelled for today so he can see me today.

venuscat

Mera love,

I hear you....I felt the exact same way.

It is not the answer to keep drinking because we no longer believe in ourselves.
It is the time to make the change, whatever it takes. Your doctor sounds like a good guy. I know it is a while to wait to see him, but it sounds like he is caring and helpful. Follow his lead, and go to rehab. I wish I could have/would have done that.

This has been a hard road for me; it took me a long time to get sober.
Every bit of help that we can grab onto, we should.
Because it really can get better.

Love to all of you. ♥

Applekat

Mera that's great!! Deep breath! Take that and run with it!

Meraviglioso

I'm terrified

1stepup

Hi Venus! Great to see you here and great advice for Mera, I'm back on the sober ladder, having blown 7months sobriety after a break-up.

Mera- I'm glad your doctor is seeing you today and wish you all the best. I can feel your pain and can relate to it. It seems a never ending battle at times- especially in the early weeks, and my head this morning was telling me-' what's the use? I'm destined to have an alcoholic life and the best I can hope for are intervals of sobriety between binges' I know though, life can get better, in those seven months I really tried and I got the rewards for my footwork but I forgot how bad it can get and I almost got too well, too quick if that makes sense!? and I paid the cost.

I believe it is an illness and its a cunning one at that, when we're low and down in the early stages of sobriety it tells us we're useless and will never be happy and we almost have no alternative but to drink to take away the pain etc- but this is a lie.

After a few weeks, months it tells us we're ok, there's nothing wrong with us- we've overreacted, my head remembers what it did FOR me (warm glow, 2 drinks in type feeling) and forgets what it did TO me (consequences of binges, withdrawal, despair, anxiety etc etc). That's what we're up against.

You are not alone in this Mera and just take one day at a time or one hour at a time if need be, I'm talking to myself as well as you here, these cravings that come DO pass and the feelings we get pass too- good and bad, I've had to learn the hard way that by reacting to every feeling by wanting to change it (by drinking) has nearly destroyed my life, my health, my finances, my family, etc .

I have to ride the storm sometimes and just have faith that things will be ok if I do the right thing and don't drink, when I drink I don't grow emotionally- that's why I'm a 35year old man who feels emotionally like a teenager at times, because Ive drank through life and every emotion I can't handle and as a result I've never matured.

Alcohol was my saviour when I first drank as a 15 year old boy or so I thought- in reality it was my master and I became its slave, its robbed me of a normal life, but the way I see it, every hour I get away from that poison is a step closer to freedom and the more days we can put together- the control it has over us gets less and less.

I'm scared of what the future holds but I know if I don't drink today, tomorrow I'll be that much stronger and at least be able to face it sober.

Good luck friend- you're not alone- we CAN do this.

Meraviglioso

Thank you 1stepup, your message is so kind and just what I needed to hear. I wish I could say I'm in early recovery but I've been battling this way too long. It is time to give up, admit I can't do it and get some serious help. I cry thinking about my wonderful boys. What will I tell them? Where will I say I am going? They are young so I don't feel like I can explain the truth to them.

nmd

Checking in on day 8, barely awake, lol. My coffee just finished brewing.

Trying to not get ahead of myself and worry about stuff i need to do or days sober. So far, though, things are going well. In training at work yesterday today and tomorrow, so it's a little harder to get on and catch up during the day.

I have some homemade wine in the basement that I bought some mother of vinegar for to make it into wine vinegar. I made jelly out of some remaining berries I had in the freezer two weekends ago (same berries as I used to make the wine) That at least gives me a sense that it wasn't a complete waste- I'm a former homebrewer and the berries are ones i grew in my yard. I know i can't have the wine in the house, it would just be torture. I drank one or two bottles at a time when I did drink. Taking the final step of.doing something non alcohol related with thag stuff tied up some loose ends for me psychologically. It doesn't bother me like it has in the past.

The jelly turned out amazing, btw. I gave some.to my parents and sister and have been eating it for breakfast.

nmd

I'm very sorry you drank Meraviglioso. Relapses can take the wind out of your sails and make things seem hopeless, but that is just the addiction talking. I think you are doing the right thing taking the next steps and looking at rehabs.

((Mera)) You can do it!

Anna

nmd, good job on Day 8. I like that you're taking steps to use your homegrown berries in a healthy way. Good for you for getting alcohol out of the house. That's something that helped me.

Keets, good for you on Day 7/8.

Peaceful Rain, I love essential oils too.

5upersonic

Day 4. Hope everyone is ok.

Missy7

Good morning marchers. I'm off to work, it's the end of the term and I'm really busy so I don't get to read posts, but for me it is the morning of the ninth and I'm feeling very optimistic. I hope you are too.

Keets

Good morning everyone here for day 8. Ugh starting out with a headache hoping that goes away soon. Planning on going hiking today if the weather isn't freaky like it was yesterday( sunny while snowing and raining)

PeacefulRain

Good morning all. Day 3 here. I feel pretty good but I'm thieving today! I loved the idea of the sobriety jar so much that I'm stealing it!! So I'm going to run out and buy a bunch of stones and do a little grocery shopping. I'm going to make my husband a nice dinner tonight, I've been beating up on him pretty hard since my mom died. I hope you all have a great day and those nasty AVs stay away!!

Ladybug2

Hi everyone,

Day 3 and still feeling a little down and moody. This last binge really did a number on me, mentally. But, I guess the positive in it is my resolve is even stronger than ever to never take that first drink again.

It is a beautiful springlike day here. Going to take my girls to the park after my oldest gets home from school. 4-7pm is my hardest time so need to have a plan to stay busy. I did all of my drinking at home, in hiding, so getting out of the house in these early days really helps. Will check back later tonight.

Hope everyone is doing well and having a good, sober day.

Siesta

Hello class of March,
Here I am joining another class again. I tried last month but I only lasted about a week because I wasn't serious enough about it. I'm 2 days sober now after a night out with coworkers on Sunday. I blacked out the 2nd half of the night so I can't remember if I have any reason for embarrassment back at work. I'm too scared to ask them if I did anything crazy. I also drove myself home and got lost along the way. Horrible I know. I'm very ashamed. My hubby saw that I had been drinking and told me that I need to think about moving out. Unfortunately I was still drunk when he said it, and he says I happily agreed. I spent the next morning trying to convince him that it's not what I want and that I don't want to go back to a life of drinking. I've had a good amount of sober time in the last few years so I'm hoping I can get back on track. I don't go to AA because I'm a big time introvert and I won't speak up in front of anyone, so SR is my best hope. I look forward to getting to know you all while I try to convince myself that I'm worth getting sober again.

GardenGal

I've been honest with my 11 year old son. He knows I'm trying to quit. If I were to tell him that I'm going away to a place which will help me stop drinking, he would be more than glad.

I think it's the secrecy that probably scares our kids the most.

Best of luck to you in rehab -- you CAN do this!!

MovingForward1

After doing good for a few days in February then deciding drinking was on the table, I'm back for March. It wasn't even a matter of 'maybe just a few'. Went to the bar, then the store and at this point, hangovers don't happen, withdrawal starts kicking in within just a few hours. I HAD to drink so this went on, as usual for several days. I'm only at about 24 hours and still suffering. I can't believe I still have a job. I don't think I have another recovery in me, this one has to be it.

Thanks for having me in the March class!

Incontrol15

Hang in there Mera. As bad as you want to drink right now, the sensation WILL pass. That feeling can be measured in minutes, maybe hours. When that feeling subsides and you survived without drinking, you'll be happier than if you did drink.

You're fighting a short term issue. Just keep that in mind. There's YEARS ahead of you. The decision that you make the very minute will have a profound effect on the future. Either in a good way or a bad way.

If you mind is completely stuck on the desire to drink, then you can attack it in two different ways. If it's bad, do both.
- URGE SURFING / MINDFULNESS. This is where you sit somewhere, close your eyes, and focus on the urge. Feel it. Where does it hit you? You stomach, your chest, your head? Feel your heartbeat. Feel your breathing. Feel every part of your body from ties to hair. Notice how they feel.

When we pay attention. To the urges...REALLY give it out full focus, it goes way MUCH MUCH FASTER then when we fight the urge.

- meditation. Search YouTube for self guided meditation. There's plenty there. You can even search for ones that specifically address alcoholism. Put on ear buds, close your eyes, and do what the audio tells you to do. This will help end the broken record going on in your mind.

Bonus:
When done, find some things to do that will take your mind off it. I find calling people is a greasy way to do that.