Morning everyone, it is early here. I barely slept, and of course woke up feeling terrible about my decision to drink yesterday. I just sent a message to my psychiatrist and he called right away. I told him I was scared by my inability to quit for good and wanted to know about rehab programs. He said there is an inpatient about an hour away and an outpatient in a closer town. Unfortunately he still can't see me until Friday. I don't know how to hold on that long. I am just exhausted by this battle. Simply exhausted. I feel like giving up completely and just accepting that this is how my life will be. But something inside of me keeps trying to fight. But I'm tired. so so so so tired of this. So tired. I don't want to drink today. or ever. But I no longer believe in myself. Yesterday and every day before I would have declared "I will not drink today" but I no longer believe it. I don't trust myself anymore. I feel right now in this second that I don't want to drink with all of my heart. But I'm sure that will change within hours and I will. I cannot do this anymore.