GhostFace

Vona, don't beat yourself up.

Forget about the past as their is nothing you can do about it and focus on NOW. It's all you have and all that is real. The future is a mystery, the past is history, today is a gift that's why it's called "the present."

Vona71

Thank you, NT. That is exactly right. I feel the same. Someone very close to me keeps doing that. I shared with him my issues and depression over my drinking, and he keeps coming back that I must have been doing much worse things. WORSE THINGS?! Isn't being a raging f***ing alcoholic pretty much the worst? He doesn't get it. He's not an alcoholic. He just thinks that because I've quit drinking and feel such remorse for my past, that I must have been doing something "really bad."

I can't handle that; not right now anyways. I just want to avoid any conversations with him about my feelings. And that's not healthy either. I've never been one the share my feelings. I am 44 years old, and I remember my first bf back when I was 16 telling me that I never talk about myself, about my feelings. If I can say something positive here, it's that I am glad I am sharing with you all.

You brought tears to my eyes reading your post NT. Nail on the head. Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot. Truly.

I really hope that it gets better. I know I drank to suppress those feelings of self-loathing. I do not want to ever do that again. But this sadness is overwhelming. It's almost like if I am not going to drink the sadness away, then I'm gonna run away. Like either of those options will help whatsoever.

Wheatgrass

I am new to this sobriety thing. I wish I had some solid advice for you. I can tell you that withdrawls sucked bad for me but I wouldn't go back and do it differently. It helps me to remember how bad they were. I have also read the dangers of cold turkey on this site. For me weaning myself off would never work. Because that first drink lead to more and by the end of the day I was a wreck. Only to try again the next day and fail again.

ZeldaFan

Tapering was not an option for me. One drink and the train is already rolling and the only thing that will stop it is passing out. After my second relapse when my withdrawals were particularly bad, I spoke to my doctor and he took care of me. Can't share medical information on here but what he did helped make cold turkey safe.

Neverthought

Well, on a lighter note, I'm glad I got it right!

When I was a young adult (I'm 45 now), I used to think like your male friend. I think it's a natural male possessiveness (not in a psychotic way) to think something else or someone else is influencing your negative feelings or behavior. I don't know your relationship, but I'm pretty sure he cares about you. But, no, unfortunately he doesn't get it. Furthermore, there is probably some frustration on his behalf that he cannot fix what needs repairing.

In order to do that, a man needs to separate his emotions between who and what. We're not good at that! So, that sounds like only part of your concerns.

My suggestion would be to find some therapy either on SR, counseling or both.

Next, is to try and figure out if you have some hard to reach emotions. However, you've hinted about your past a few times, so I'm guessing it's on the surface. Also, determine how much of that is being enhanced or manipulated by drinking.

I think when we reach this age (timeframe), we find ourselves caught up in the past. Try to move forward, if there's something holding you back, it's very likely in needs to be addressed.

Timing is everything......I'm sincerely glad I was able to connect with you.

Stay in touch....

Dee74

Hi Virginia

I'm not a fan of tapering at all, but Drs in the UK still seem to see it as a viable option, so I'll button my lip

if your Dr/therapist recommended it and you think you'll try it, make sure you have clear targets - the object of tapering is to get to zero units and stay there.

'Have another if you need it' sounds to me like advice from someone with no hands on concept of tapering...(oops there goes my lip again)

If you think this advice is feeding your AV, or you find you can't make your targets downwards you'll have to go back and discuss other options - or even better get a second opinion from other Dr/counsellor?.

D

forabetterlife

Virginia, I think a second opinion might be a good idea too. I know for me, there is a huge difference between being totally sober and even one drink, if I ever manage to keep it at that. There's something to be said for complete sobriety.

Vona, I am 45 as well and I am finally learning that other people don't know me, how I feel or what goes on inside my head as well as I do. I used to listen to what everyone had to say, like somehow they knew me better than I knew myself. When I was younger, maybe they were right. But not now. Another thing I would suggest is the power of giving things time. I have found that with time, the bad feelings/bad thoughts pass, but we have to push through. And definitely not drink, of course

I have had an exhausting day at work. My appetite is through the roof, which is typical for my first few days. I am looking forward to my two week vacation coming up but also worried about the combination of extra time on my hands as well as the holidays. Just need to keep myself busy, focus on the big picture, and remember that yes...drinking "just for one night" send me backwards.

Dee74

something I saw in another thread:



D

leasha24

Went skiing today with a good friend . Normally I would have had a beer at lunch with my friend and I even thought about getting just one since we were gonna go back out skiing and I couldn't have more than one . My friend got himself a beer and I got myself a pop and enjoyed it very much and had an awesome day of skiing up at Mt.Baker!!!

16 days sober and counting .

julesonya

Checking in- I am almost 24 hours sober. This is the time of night when I drink. When I think, oh hey I'll just grab a bottle of wine. Trying to stay strong. I did my workout, I ran to some stores (something I never used to. I hate crowds & I would always rush home to drink) & my dinner is in the oven. I am planning on some tea & a bath later, as my trainer killed my legs today! If I dont get a salt bath in I wont be able to walk. I feel strong, but I know this has happened before.

MissPerfumado

Hi Vona, I hope you continue sharing with us because it's better than not saying these things at all. It's hard to start looking at the reasons we drink and I think to start trying to understand them and talk about them is very healthy and crucial to getting better. I am starting counselling tomorrow and have started thinking about the tangled reasons - boy, they are going to be difficult to unwind.

As for telling people and their reactions. I find people who drink understand better innately but get defensive as if you are trying to shine a mirror on their own drinking. I say "I am stopping because I'm concerned I have a real problem with it" and their responses are of the "you don't drink that much" and "you're being too hard on yourself" type. My AV loves that - I have to remind myself that they don't know about the extra drinks I have at home alone AFTER the night out with them and how sick I make myself feel.

Those who don't drink can be like your friend. I would be wary of telling them more than you have. I think you're speaking a language to them they don't understand and probably have very little first hand or second hand (e.g. family) experience of.

Elseware

Vona71, I know the awful soul shriveling pain of shame and self hatred. I am an addict and an alcoholic. I can hardly move sometimes for the weight of it. But. I am seeing a therapist. And it is helping. A lot. I urge you to seek some help because I doubt you deserve what you're giving yourself. Intellectually, I know I don't either but that hasn't stopped me from running myself into the ground. I'm learning to stop doing that.

Just keep working on your sobriety. You can do this. And you can learn to not be mean to yourself. <3 <3

ZeldaFan

Well done! For me it's all about keeping busy. Sounds like you have a solid night planned ahead of you. Tea and a bath sounds wonderful. For now, tea and my heat blanket will have to do for me. Keep at it!

Angie247

Hi everyone! I would like to join this group if it's okay. I had been sober for a few months then had a relapse in late November. It was very bad. I continued to drink until 7 days ago. Still dealing with the guilt over my relapse but that has gotten better. Just focused on staying sober now.

ZeldaFan

Hi Angie! I just joined into the December group myself after a few months of sobriety that I lost to a relapse earlier this month. Welcome and let's do this!

Vona71

Hi, Angie. . Happy you are joining this thread!

Wheatgrass

Welcome to the class Angie. I read most of your story a couple weeks ago when I first found this site. Glad you joined us!

ubntubnt

I doubt the composition of your brain doesn't know what day it is and everyday is a drinking day as far as your AV is concerned. Honestly, just keep grinding it out. There is a danger that you subconsciously allow your AV to defeat you somewhere in that range because that supposedly you weak period and "dammit, there it goes again". Or you feel so happy to push through 80 and 90 days that you celebrate with a beer on day 100. Leave no door open for your AV!

ubntubnt

.....spot on. I wish I realised this a year ago. Stopping the drinking is not really the solution. Stopping drinking and using your sobriety to develop a non drinking life is the solution.

Stubbs16

Well, Im still here. Checking in on my class.

I havent been my best again, this month. But Im really trying. Its all I can do. If I dont have the desire, and the hope, there is nothing else left.

I keep focusing on my positives in my life. I have so much to be grateful for. But the old fears, doubts always seem to get the best of my rational thinking, most times.

This kicking this monster is really, really hard. Ive been reading all, and I know the AV always trys to find the weak spot, or the ok, I think I can overcome this.

It always is the same, when we chose to drink again. We know the drill, it is always the same, or will probably be worse next binge.

I use to think my alcoholism was because I just wasnt normal, or I had flaws. Thats probably true. I can blame it on genetics, or lack of will. Or just a bad habit, that got out of control. Thru the years. This all helped it along. Or just the disease. Thats another topic.

I need to find the inner strength to just walk away, and say no more, no matter. I dont want to allow time for a relapse, or a setback. Precious time is ticking away, and we only get so many do overs. If we are lucky enough.

Ive seen it, and I know its true. Still, I struggle on. I admit I havent been sober this whole month, and I am pissed about it. I have All kinds of issues going on, my life is always like this. Not enuff money, anger, resentments. I know until I let go of ALL that, I cant hope to be ok in my mental. My mental state is the key. Im not a big fan of AA, but the twelve steps have to be appreciated, as well as as a few good pple I have met in the program.

Drinking for me isnt so physical yet, but its heading that way. If I dont stop the mental, the physical will surely follow. And Ive read enough here, to know and appreciate that. I really dont want to go down that path.

So, just saying hello, Maximus is still alive and kicking. And I havent thrown in the towel just yet. I just need to find my way out of this, and be the person I use to be. Before I allowed alkie to control my life. I once was normal, happy, and free from addiction. It just got me down the line. Its a sneaky bitch.

Its not the way to live. You all inspire me, and thats the reason I keep coming back.
Thanks.