Midton

Well I've reset my quitter app but unusually for me I'm not particularly interested about counting days this time. I've restarted taking sleeping tablets for the past 2 nights and whilst having a great sleep it's something I'm going to nip in the bud hopefully tonight.

Mentally I had a decent day yesterday and am on a much more even keel. I noticed st the gym yesterday morning that I was a mess. My eyes had massive bags and I felt bloated. I even had a red tinge I felt. I believe the previous 4 months have left me in good stead to continue being sober pretty much where I left off. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise to have one last disaster out drinking session. I think I'm even more committed now.

Juno, I didn't really realise it at the time but I lost a lot of belly fat by just simply not drinking. I was impatient but I certainly became more trim. After my Saturday night I gorged on pizza , chocolate and other comfort foods on Sunday. No wonder the weight piles on peopl who drink and eat like me.

Juno11

I'm looking forward to that - for some reason I haven't lost a single pound even with all this sobriety. If anything I've gained a pound or two or three over the winter with all the hibernation and comfort food. Time to put a stop to that. I'm going to stop counting, too - it feels like a ticking time bomb about to go off. Maybe it's just better to make good decisions every day and not worry about dates and numbers and all that. I think I get myself in trouble when I overthink things.

Winslow

Hi C23,congratulations on 100 days😊 I use a melatonin product called"Midnite" it has a small dose of melatonin like 1.5 and chamomile, lavender, lemon balm,its more gentle than regular melatonin I can't tolerate the doses it comes in,Juno,just get a day counter on your phone but don't open it,that's what I have,I also haven't lost a pound,despite exercising everyday and trying to watch what I eat,I think because I never ate while drinking my body is not sure what to do with actual food

sydneyman

Hello. Its me again after a few weeks absence. I am not really up to what has been happening with you all but I will get some time over the weekend to go and read all the pages here.
I am keeping it short today. I have been doing okish with alcohol, been drinking but also have had several sober days in between. Which is new for me.
My trip home was such a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. It may well have been the last time that I will see my mother alive after making the decisions we had to make with my sister. Of course not a reason to reach for the bottle. However, it was upsetting and a sad time. There was no joy except to see my mum look me in the eyes. This time I did not drink while spending time with her.
I really want to come back and be part of my SR family, where I belong. I have missed you all.
I will return when I am mentally ready for Day 1, which is VERY SOON...
Life can be so unfair and tough.
Miss you all

Dee74

It's good to hear from you sydneyman.
I really hope you make a day one, sooner than later

D

Midton

Syd,

Great to have you back in our little group.

grizzlybearblue

Sydneyman!!! We have missed you like crazy!!! It's great to hear from you : )
Congrats on 100 days C23!! That is wonderful!!
I caught up just now on the posts I missed from yesterday. Great posts! Yesterday was very hectic and busy, and I crashed after making dinner. Didn't do the dinner dishes, scoop the litter box, or charge the car battery, I just needed to sleep. Off and running again this morning. I hope everyone has a great sober day!

Juno11

Syndeyman - so happy you came back! We missed you!!!

I drank wine last night. I don't have a good excuse but this bathroom renovation was too much for me. Trying to do everything I normally have to do is hard enough, but having an extra big job and stress on top of it was too much. I couldn't stand another day of "living with this guy" who is doing the bathroom. It's like living with someone. He's constantly going up and down the stairs, in and out of the house to smoke a cigarette, and then using my kitchen sink with his buckets and tools. The kitchen is *my* sacred place and I don't like anyone else there in my space (except my kids and my Mom). I was never good with roommates and need my own personal space. Yesterday he bought a sandwich and sat at my dining room table and ate the sandwich like he lives there. God, please help me.

I may have to give up on sobriety. Or just start again today.

grizzlybearblue

Don't give up on sobriety, Juno!! I hope you decided to start again today. Hopefully the renovation will be over soon. Then you'll have a nice new bathroom to admire and enjoy : )
I saw a house yesterday that I really liked. I was ready to write a contract on it this evening. I checked on it mid-afternoon, and it was already under contract. Three days on the market! I was not willing to pay what I think they are going to pay though. It was the highest in price and smallest in square footage that I've looked at, so apparently it's not meant to be. The search continues...
I went for a physical and blood work yesterday. I am loving this doctor and clinic that I found. I paid doctor's costs for all the blood work so it was only $44.80. One of the tests was comprehensive and checked liver, kidneys, and a bunch of other stuff I can't remember. Everything came back great! I am so relieved!! I am a dentist appointment away from my full tune up. I have noticed in sobriety when I say I am going to do something, I actually do it. That's nice.

Winslow

Hey all,Grizzly,I'm like that too in sobriety, I get stuff done😊 I used to be such a terrible procrastinator,Sydneyman,good to see you,I really hope you're back soon,I understand not being ready to quit,all of last year I kept thinking that I was ready but kept relapsing and that really hurt my self esteem and motivation, plus breaking the promises to myself made me even more unsure if I could stick with a sober life,in the end I had to quit making excuses and stick with it,I hear people say"well I wasn't that bad" obviously if you're on a website like this,under a docs care for alcoholism,you have a problem! (Not talkin about anyone,just generalizing) but in the end we hafta wake up and smell the java and muscle through,Midton,how are you hon? I'm trying to eat low carb,dinner is my downfall though😈 Ihave some blood sugar issues that I'm trying to remedy,I'm not diabetic or anything, just get fluctuations during the day that drive me bananas,ooh a banana sounds good haha,anyways hope everyone enjoys their day😊

Winslow

Grizz,I forgot to say ya-hoo on the good blood work,doesn't that give you peace? Im due for mine too

Midton

I'm doing fine thanks Windslow.

I'm still under a lot of work stress but I've recovered from my binge and just want to get my first sober weekend under my belt then I'll be confident again about sobriety.


Juno, hope you're back soon. You got over 20 and that's still a decent amount of healthy time especially considering the alternative.

Dee74

I hope you decide to start again today too Juno.

If stress is a problem for you maybe you need to not take on so much?

Maybe it's time to revisit a recovery plan again?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Juno11

Thanks for the support, as always, Midton! Grizzly, thanks, too.

I'm not abandoning sobriety -- I love sobriety, I hate drinking. I'm just a little discouraged and ashamed that I'm not able to really do this. I did contact my friend at SMART Recovery and told him what happened. I felt a bit ashamed. I plan to get back to meetings next week. I need the support that is there, and yet I have only gone to a meeting once in the new year. I never thought this bathroom renovation would take this long and interfere with my life so much (meetings, support and yoga) but it has. It took a lot out of me and I simply cracked. I've got to put more effort into me and staying sober and taking care of myself. So here goes.

My bathroom will be finished tomorrow, mostly. There are still a few loose ends, but thankfully, it will be considered done tomorrow as soon as my contractor comes over and gets his many tools and things and trash. And a couple of small loose ends. It will be worth it, but I will really think twice about doing anything like this again. Any project that extends beyond a week is taxing and draining and it got to me. It was 3 weeks yesterday that I started this project so it will be 3+ weeks total. Next time if I do this, I will hire someone that can do it quickly - over a weekend or something and simply move out with my dog to a pet friendly hotel. Lesson learned.

Well guys, I am here. Not giving up. I didn't drink a lot on Monday, but it was about 1/2 bottle of wine. Powered through a crappy sleep and felt abysmal in the morning, but still went about my business and went to work. Felt like crying most of the day, I just felt low.

I'm doing better now. End of Day 2. No going back, only forward.

Hi Winslow and Syndeyman and Dee and Key of C and SisterBobby and everyone else!

Juno11

Thanks, Dee - our posts crossed but we're on the same wave length. Time to strengthen the plan. I'll take a look at your link

grizzlybearblue

Great, Juno!! You can do this, I know you can!! I'm glad to hear you are feeling better today. You did sound down after your post yesterday, and I was worrying about you. I do not want to see you give up. No matter how many tries it takes, keep trying! There are good things in store for you in sobriety : )
Midton, glad to hear you've recovered. Almost five months is a long time without drinking, and certainly all that you learned is not lost because you drank once. I've already said this a few times, but again, great job at getting right back at it!!
Oh yeah, Winslow, my good report from the doctor is an amazing feeling!! It really is such a relief. When she asked me if I had any concerns, I hedged a little and said I drank a lot until about four and a half months ago. She was like a glass of wine a night? I was like no way, atleast a bottle a night! Why would I drink just one glass?! We both laughed, but she noted "heavy drinker" on my file.

Midton

Griz,

This is the first time in all my years here that I've came back immediately after drinking, it normally takes months.

Echoing what Juno has wrote I think, recently, well gradually over the last few years when I drink I feel a terrible amount of guilt. Sometimes it is even when I'm drinking. Combining this with a regular hangover really makes for a hellish next day. I also feel embarrassed when I am drinking around people who are not. I feel that they can sense how alcohol touches me in a different way. Rationally I know they can't but these things, the guilt and the embarrassment, have drained even the last morsel of drinking.

As I know and am aware of this affect of drinking I just wish the thought of the escape it brings would stop fleeting into my head.

How did I ever get here?

Juno11

Checking in before I go into the office. I'm okay today - doing much better than on Day 1. Alcohol has a way of draining the life out of me. What an awful substance.

I read the link that Dee sent and am going to try to set up a binder with a more formal "plan" for doing this sobriety thing. I need to put as much effort into this as I do in any other project I take on, right?

Weekend around the corner - happy about that. Have a great Thursday.

Winslow

Hey all,jeez,yesterday afternoon was the closest I've come to drinking in this whole time! I think the diet changes I've been trying to make were just too drastic for this early in recovery, regardless of what RR says,in reality we are STILL recovering, the body and mind have taken a beating and now its healing but cripes its sloooow going,some days I feel physically I'll,other days Ifeel mentally unstable and other days I feel great,on top of the world, yesterday was a yuck day,body and mind wanted alcohol, I hate that! I gorged on Philly cheese steak,curly fries and gelato,craving squashed,thank goodness for junk food,everyone sounds good,have an easy day my peeps😊

Juno11

Nice job, Winslow - getting through the tough craving. That food sounds really good

I need to do a little venting. I'm not in danger of drinking - no cravings today and I just had dinner, so I'm close to calling it a day.

I'm discouraged because even though I want to be sober, my life doesn't really get much better when I'm completely sober. It is maybe marginally better, but not too much because most of my biggest problems in life have little to do with alcohol. I can see why now I haven't been able to get completely sober. It's all making sense. The benefits are only marginal because the biggest issues in my life are there regardless of drinking or not. I wish everything was more clear cut - it is not in my case.

However, I do want to stay sober because alcohol is a negative in my life, is nothing but negative and I know I can better deal with things without hangovers and making messes for myself. I am committed to being sober, but I now understand why I'm having such a tough time at this.

I read on these boards things like, "Oh, it's soooo much better" and "Life is so much better" and "Almost all your problems go away" if you stop drinking. This is sadly not the case for me, has never been the case for me and even if I'm stone cold sober for a month, most of my problems are still there and have little to do with me getting drunk on Facebook or throwing up in my bathroom toilet.

Sorry for the vent - but things are beginning to make more sense. This sobriety thing is not "one size fits all." By that I mean, we don't all get the relief from problems that we seek.

And yet still, the alternative is worse so I will carry on.