Class of October 2014 Part 19
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6,831
Have a great time in Chicago phoebe! As hard as you work running your home, this is a well deserved treat.
Hoping everyone is well...I had a little whisper in my ear for a few days that this long stretch of sobriety has allowed me to shake off my old ways and that a few cold ones watching football is reasonable . I know I can't, (dammit) so just getting it out of my system to keep me accountable.
Hoping everyone is well...I had a little whisper in my ear for a few days that this long stretch of sobriety has allowed me to shake off my old ways and that a few cold ones watching football is reasonable . I know I can't, (dammit) so just getting it out of my system to keep me accountable.
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Yeah Mark, it would be great if drinking were an option for us, but it's not. We know where it leads. Besides, remember that story you told me about puking in your beer bag in the morning? You know that's what comes from our version of "a couple beers." Hell, I only had two drinks a day: the first half of a fifth of vodka, and then the second half. It just doesn't work for us.
It's stupid hot over here, over 100 every day. It does cool down at night, thank goodness. I'm so ready for fall and some rain! I've been watching a documentary series on global warming and all the drought issues everywhere. Kinda freaking me out. I'd like to move to Canada, cold and nerdy there, but the long term forecast looks better than here. California is supposed to fall into the sea at some point anyway.
Hey V I hope you are feeling better!
It's stupid hot over here, over 100 every day. It does cool down at night, thank goodness. I'm so ready for fall and some rain! I've been watching a documentary series on global warming and all the drought issues everywhere. Kinda freaking me out. I'd like to move to Canada, cold and nerdy there, but the long term forecast looks better than here. California is supposed to fall into the sea at some point anyway.
Hey V I hope you are feeling better!
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6,831
Oh gosh that was a terrible time in my life briar! I had forgotten I told y'all about that. No whispers today....I think work is wearing me down a bit, but I'm thankful for it so all good.
I'm ready for autumn too. It's my favorite season with warm swimming days and cool fire pit nights.
Wishing everyone the best day.
I'm ready for autumn too. It's my favorite season with warm swimming days and cool fire pit nights.
Wishing everyone the best day.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 5,554
Ugh, yeah, don't ever forget those bad hangovers.
It is going to be cool in Chicago. Nice cool, but rainy at least on Saturday. Only issue is I want to carry on my luggage, and thicker, warmer clothes are bigger! And I will need my rain jacket... First world problems.
It is going to be cool in Chicago. Nice cool, but rainy at least on Saturday. Only issue is I want to carry on my luggage, and thicker, warmer clothes are bigger! And I will need my rain jacket... First world problems.
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Phoebe - when I went to Manhattan I didn't want to check a bag so I took a backpack and wore a couple layers of clothes and my coat. When I got back everyone wanted to know what fancy clothes I bought from the boutiques. None! Haha!
Tomorrow I'm having lunch with my friend who helped me so much when I was struggling and in treatment. I feel a little weird with him now because I can't believe how crazy I was. I'm embarrassed by it. I feel really bad for what I put him through. He occasionally compliments and encourages me about my recovery, which is so kind of him, but I feel like I took advantage of his kindness because I knew he would be 100% on board to help me. I needed someone like that. Committed and decisive. He literally saved me, but I put him through hell. I kinda wish I could erase the past few months and start over.
Tomorrow I'm having lunch with my friend who helped me so much when I was struggling and in treatment. I feel a little weird with him now because I can't believe how crazy I was. I'm embarrassed by it. I feel really bad for what I put him through. He occasionally compliments and encourages me about my recovery, which is so kind of him, but I feel like I took advantage of his kindness because I knew he would be 100% on board to help me. I needed someone like that. Committed and decisive. He literally saved me, but I put him through hell. I kinda wish I could erase the past few months and start over.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6,831
I'd love to blot out many many episodes of my drunken past too, but since that's not possible I find that I can often use the dark memories as a catalyst to recovery. The most recent example you provided yourself with the whole throwing up in my beer bag thing. The more distance we put between us and our drunken alter egos I think that we can get better at using all that old stuff as a nudge in the right direction. I try not to think about all my mistakes too long though for fear that I'll get in a despondent/what-the-heck state of mind and drink over it.
As for wanting to start over.....you have. And you've done so at an age that allows you to pile a lifetime of good memories on the old and to be fully engaged in your daughter's growing up years.....that'll be the 'norm' in her mind.
I think it's great that you're having lunch with your friend. How rewarding for him to look across at his lovely sharp-minded lunch companion as confirmation that all his efforts were worth it. Certainly seeing you confident and smiling about the future (not wringing hands over the past) will be the best gift you could give to show your gratitude.
I hope everyone's weeks are wrapping up nicely. This last quarter of the year will be one of my most challenging yet potentially rewarding as far as my work goes. I'm trying to cope well with the pressure I'm feeling. Being self employed means that I've got to get this right if I'm to take good care of my family. This I know, last year at this time I could not have managed all of this. Not being able to meet my responsibilities would be too much for me to take and I was beginning to faulter in my commitment. I get the bulk of my self worth out of taking care of things so that my family never knows the effort behind the scenes (not always a good thing I know). Anyway, rather than be overwhelmed I'm trying to enjoy the journey and be grateful for my opportunities.
Wishing everyone the best day.
As for wanting to start over.....you have. And you've done so at an age that allows you to pile a lifetime of good memories on the old and to be fully engaged in your daughter's growing up years.....that'll be the 'norm' in her mind.
I think it's great that you're having lunch with your friend. How rewarding for him to look across at his lovely sharp-minded lunch companion as confirmation that all his efforts were worth it. Certainly seeing you confident and smiling about the future (not wringing hands over the past) will be the best gift you could give to show your gratitude.
I hope everyone's weeks are wrapping up nicely. This last quarter of the year will be one of my most challenging yet potentially rewarding as far as my work goes. I'm trying to cope well with the pressure I'm feeling. Being self employed means that I've got to get this right if I'm to take good care of my family. This I know, last year at this time I could not have managed all of this. Not being able to meet my responsibilities would be too much for me to take and I was beginning to faulter in my commitment. I get the bulk of my self worth out of taking care of things so that my family never knows the effort behind the scenes (not always a good thing I know). Anyway, rather than be overwhelmed I'm trying to enjoy the journey and be grateful for my opportunities.
Wishing everyone the best day.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 673
9/11 is a very rough day around here. Everyone knows someone who suffered greatly and the world will never be same. It's a little hard to believe how naive the US was actually. That day will be frozen in time for many of us. Sorry to be so somber on a Friday.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6,831
Good morning gang and happy Saturday!
A cool front managed to push through bringing a little much needed rain. Second time to rain since around July 4. Highs only in the 80s today....and maybe 79 tomorrow. Maybe some Cornish hens on the smoker this weekend. Goes good with SEC football.
Hope you're enjoying Chicago phoebe!
Have a nice lunch today Briar!
Wishing all the gang the best day........gym time.
A cool front managed to push through bringing a little much needed rain. Second time to rain since around July 4. Highs only in the 80s today....and maybe 79 tomorrow. Maybe some Cornish hens on the smoker this weekend. Goes good with SEC football.
Hope you're enjoying Chicago phoebe!
Have a nice lunch today Briar!
Wishing all the gang the best day........gym time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 3,805
Cornish hens sound awesome Mark! Haven't cooked those is quite sometime. And the smoker idea sounds great.
Life has gotten crazy busy in the last month. Haven't been involved with this forum much. You all are true inspirations! Have a great weekend everyone.
Life has gotten crazy busy in the last month. Haven't been involved with this forum much. You all are true inspirations! Have a great weekend everyone.
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Stick around, Arbor and everybody! We have definitely been missing some folks. I hope everybody's ok.
Lunch yesterday went well but was kinda difficult. He wanted to talk about my sobriety, and he was very happy to hear how good I'm feeling about it right now. He also wanted to talk about what it was like that fateful week when I broke down and asked for help. He told me some new crazy stuff I was doing that I don't remember, and he analyzed it a bit, venturing that my meltdown was a very deliberate way of showing I needed help. I guess it was, but I didn't like the word deliberate. I mean, yes I reached out for help deliberately but it was because I couldn't stop what was happening. I didn't deliberately have a breakdown. I'm probably reading too much into it, I'm just sensitive because I feel so terrible and guilty and embarrassed about it anyway. I can't believe I did all that. He said that sometime during that week I told him there were two Briars, and they were very different. He agreed and asked to speak to the other one. I was hammered at the time, so she wasn't available. I never want to be that person again. I'm sure the shame is a good motivator. I can never forget where drinking got me, and apparently he's not going to let me.
Anyway, last night another friend brought her kids over and we set three kids under five loose in my house while we hung out and talked. It was nice (despite the advanced level of destruction of my home. I'm pretty sure we qualified for federal aid. This is exactly why I own nothing of value). This friend is in the middle of a contentious divorce, made more complicated for me because I am still also good friends with her wife. It's becoming clear that this will be too complicated, so while I hate taking sides in situations like this, I think I'll have to. We've all been close for so long, I'm still getting my brain around the idea that they are separate now and all the things that entails. I didn't expect to feel my own sense of loss over it, but I definitely am grieving. It's very sad.
Well, time for a walk. Later it's a swim lesson for my daughter, then lunch with work friends to send off a colleague who is moving on to another job. She will be a dispatcher for the sheriff's department. Brave girl!
Lunch yesterday went well but was kinda difficult. He wanted to talk about my sobriety, and he was very happy to hear how good I'm feeling about it right now. He also wanted to talk about what it was like that fateful week when I broke down and asked for help. He told me some new crazy stuff I was doing that I don't remember, and he analyzed it a bit, venturing that my meltdown was a very deliberate way of showing I needed help. I guess it was, but I didn't like the word deliberate. I mean, yes I reached out for help deliberately but it was because I couldn't stop what was happening. I didn't deliberately have a breakdown. I'm probably reading too much into it, I'm just sensitive because I feel so terrible and guilty and embarrassed about it anyway. I can't believe I did all that. He said that sometime during that week I told him there were two Briars, and they were very different. He agreed and asked to speak to the other one. I was hammered at the time, so she wasn't available. I never want to be that person again. I'm sure the shame is a good motivator. I can never forget where drinking got me, and apparently he's not going to let me.
Anyway, last night another friend brought her kids over and we set three kids under five loose in my house while we hung out and talked. It was nice (despite the advanced level of destruction of my home. I'm pretty sure we qualified for federal aid. This is exactly why I own nothing of value). This friend is in the middle of a contentious divorce, made more complicated for me because I am still also good friends with her wife. It's becoming clear that this will be too complicated, so while I hate taking sides in situations like this, I think I'll have to. We've all been close for so long, I'm still getting my brain around the idea that they are separate now and all the things that entails. I didn't expect to feel my own sense of loss over it, but I definitely am grieving. It's very sad.
Well, time for a walk. Later it's a swim lesson for my daughter, then lunch with work friends to send off a colleague who is moving on to another job. She will be a dispatcher for the sheriff's department. Brave girl!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 673
As for the break-up, people tell me that's the hardest part-all the friends that you had as a couple disappear. I hope you don't have to choose Briar.
Off to a housewarming party this afternoon for one of my oldest friends-since grammar school; looking forward to it. I made her a basket of all my goodies-that's one of the perks of always having all this hand crafted stuff around-instant gifts.
Off to a housewarming party this afternoon for one of my oldest friends-since grammar school; looking forward to it. I made her a basket of all my goodies-that's one of the perks of always having all this hand crafted stuff around-instant gifts.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 3,805
Thinking....I don't know if I will ever get over drinking. I just don't.
I've been hesitant to say something.
I've been drinking again. It's so stupid. But I've put myself in this spot. Its hard to switch my mindset now. These kids...love them so.
I don't know why I keep beating myself up. Alcoholism. I'm just not there still. I dont know why. I'm confused.
Also, my entire family drinks. I'll never be free of it. It will always be around. I kinda gave up. But I still love all of you.
AA is calling my name...........
I've been hesitant to say something.
I've been drinking again. It's so stupid. But I've put myself in this spot. Its hard to switch my mindset now. These kids...love them so.
I don't know why I keep beating myself up. Alcoholism. I'm just not there still. I dont know why. I'm confused.
Also, my entire family drinks. I'll never be free of it. It will always be around. I kinda gave up. But I still love all of you.
AA is calling my name...........
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 673
It's true that there will always be drinking all around you. It's also pretty clear that a lot of people drink too much. I guess you really need to sort it out for yourself Arbor. I tend to think we all ended up here for a reason.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi Arbor
I didn't think I would ever be able to give it up either. My family drank, my friends drank, I drank for fun, for fear, for stress and to forget.
I ended up drinking all day long.
I was genuinely resigned to dying that way.
Then I nearly did.
I had a series of mini strokes that still affect me to this day.
I decided then and there I was going to climb that mountain of sobriety and keep climbing it with whatever time I had left.
From that day I have not taken a drink. Some days were easy and some were hard, but I got through them all. I stopped my hand from raising alcohol to my lips.
I changed my life...that was very frightening....but the life I have now is a million times better than the one I gave up.
I'm proud of who I am and what I do.
I can look in the mirror again and not be disgusted and have to look away at the drunk looking back.
I can be there again, fully, for those I love and who depend on me.
That climb up the mountain starts with a single decision Arbor.
Putting down the bottle - and then committing to whatever it takes not to pick it up again
It's not easy - but it is simple to follow.
You absolutely can do this. I did.
D
I didn't think I would ever be able to give it up either. My family drank, my friends drank, I drank for fun, for fear, for stress and to forget.
I ended up drinking all day long.
I was genuinely resigned to dying that way.
Then I nearly did.
I had a series of mini strokes that still affect me to this day.
I decided then and there I was going to climb that mountain of sobriety and keep climbing it with whatever time I had left.
From that day I have not taken a drink. Some days were easy and some were hard, but I got through them all. I stopped my hand from raising alcohol to my lips.
I changed my life...that was very frightening....but the life I have now is a million times better than the one I gave up.
I'm proud of who I am and what I do.
I can look in the mirror again and not be disgusted and have to look away at the drunk looking back.
I can be there again, fully, for those I love and who depend on me.
That climb up the mountain starts with a single decision Arbor.
Putting down the bottle - and then committing to whatever it takes not to pick it up again
It's not easy - but it is simple to follow.
You absolutely can do this. I did.
D
Originally Posted by Arbor 
Thinking....I don't know if I will ever get over drinking. I just don't.
I've been hesitant to say something.
I've been drinking again. It's so stupid. But I've put myself in this spot. Its hard to switch my mindset now. These kids...love them so.
I don't know why I keep beating myself up. Alcoholism. I'm just not there still. I dont know why. I'm confused.
Also, my entire family drinks. I'll never be free of it. It will always be around. I kinda gave up. But I still love all of you.
AA is calling my name...........
I've been hesitant to say something.
I've been drinking again. It's so stupid. But I've put myself in this spot. Its hard to switch my mindset now. These kids...love them so.
I don't know why I keep beating myself up. Alcoholism. I'm just not there still. I dont know why. I'm confused.
Also, my entire family drinks. I'll never be free of it. It will always be around. I kinda gave up. But I still love all of you.
AA is calling my name...........
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6,831
I've been concerned a bit for you and some of the gang, but I also know folks are very busy so I tell myself that everyone is going about their lives and just don't need to be here as much.
I can see your dilemma Arbor and recognize that it's a difficult situation with seemingly no clear path to where part of you wants to be. It seems as though you have a happy home, but I know when you look at your boys it must tear at you a bit wondering how it will all play out.
I give you my support Arbor and wish only blessings for you and yours.
I can see your dilemma Arbor and recognize that it's a difficult situation with seemingly no clear path to where part of you wants to be. It seems as though you have a happy home, but I know when you look at your boys it must tear at you a bit wondering how it will all play out.
I give you my support Arbor and wish only blessings for you and yours.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 3,805
Things are happy here Mark. Thats the thing. It's really just me. I struggle. People really don't know. I cannot make a choice. I'm always conflicted. So I dont ever really know where I stand. It's not fun for me either way.
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