Class of October 2013 - Part 14
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 353
Back from the canoe trip, it went great.. When the drinking got flowing on Friday and Saturday night around the camp fire,I just made my way back into the camper with the dogs for the night.. Most ppl know that I can't deal with the drinking and are great about not saying anything to me...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Good job, HD! BTW, my grandmother who travelled fairly extensively always said that Alaska was her absolute favorite place to visit.
I am back from our family vacation. We went to a fishing area in our state that once was known for its charm but is now (as often seen quoted) "a drinking town, with a fishing problem." We didn't stay "in town" so we were away from a lot of that hoopla, but it so reminded me of what drinking does not only to individuals but sometimes whole areas. What once was charming and lovely, has now gotten run down and seedy. I had no desire to drink which is a welcome thing as vacation is a big trigger for my cravings typically. The trip was fun overall, with some good family memories made, but I am happy to be home and ready to get back to a normal schedule.
I am back from our family vacation. We went to a fishing area in our state that once was known for its charm but is now (as often seen quoted) "a drinking town, with a fishing problem." We didn't stay "in town" so we were away from a lot of that hoopla, but it so reminded me of what drinking does not only to individuals but sometimes whole areas. What once was charming and lovely, has now gotten run down and seedy. I had no desire to drink which is a welcome thing as vacation is a big trigger for my cravings typically. The trip was fun overall, with some good family memories made, but I am happy to be home and ready to get back to a normal schedule.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
Hi All,
I tried to post yesterday, but nothing took. Hopefully today is better!
All is well on this end of the cord. Both my kids are in HS this year. Yikes. How did that happen?!
My son is playing fall baseball and my daughter is running cross country. Between sports and school, we're pretty busy.
I hope all is well with everyone else.
Carry on.
I tried to post yesterday, but nothing took. Hopefully today is better!
All is well on this end of the cord. Both my kids are in HS this year. Yikes. How did that happen?!
My son is playing fall baseball and my daughter is running cross country. Between sports and school, we're pretty busy.
I hope all is well with everyone else.
Carry on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Had a really crappy fight with my husband over the weekend. He was away all last week, one of our kids sprained their foot and my husband was at a business dinner in another city and all buzzed up, leaving me to deal with it solo. I realize how much anger and resentment has been building up in me for a long time and a lot of it came tumbling out. I felt really jealous of my husband, for his time away, for being "wined and dined", for being able to drink like a normal person. I am so sick of being responsible, serious, caretaking, but I don't know how not to be this way. I really don't know how to have fun without alcohol. It is sad to be approaching two years of sobriety and still feel like I am f#cking floundering.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 353
DD I am right here with you, I feel like I am a failure at life because I drank so much and let my kids down at the point in their lives I need to be normal.. I feel like I should drink and just be miserable but with alcohol.. Yet I remember why I quit in the first place. Beating ourselves up doesn't help us at all.. YOU can have fun without alcohol, I like going out and watch ppl get drunk and just laugh at them.. Than put yourself in their shoes, remember what they will feel like tomorrow...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,547
I wasted two decades or so of my life - but I've done more in the last 8 years than I did in those 20.
It's never a complete redress, but I feel ok with things at this point - I feel things had to get that bad for me to wake up.
I know, I'm not a parent - but I hope you guys can get to a place of peace too.
D
It's never a complete redress, but I feel ok with things at this point - I feel things had to get that bad for me to wake up.
I know, I'm not a parent - but I hope you guys can get to a place of peace too.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 358
I missed you guys and I am sorry I have been MIA.
You know what I love about this little group of ours? I get busy and wrapped up in my head...don't come around for a bit and start feeling squirrelly. I check in here and see that you guys are right there with me. I certainly don't want you to feel the way I do when it's not a good feeling but it is so comforting knowing I am not alone...we are not unique. This is the up and down! Guess what? These new highs and lows are way more manageable than they were when I was drinking. I don't want to go back to that. My lows were almost unbearable there at the end. I couldn't stand myself – I couldn't stand being in my own head and something had to change.
**DD - I remember that resentment when I was married. My ex had the same type of job. Wine, dine, travel...the whole bit and he always claimed to hate it. That almost made it worse for me - like, at least appreciate it! Sheesh. Do you have something that is just you? Just yours? I love to play sports so I joined some rec type teams and it is all mine. I have made my own friends. I won't share it either. I am dating AA guy still and I hold on tight to my thing. I know you are busy with the kids and stuff but you deserve something for just you too. As women, moms, daughters, etc. - we are always taking care of others. I have found that when I am taking good care of Cindy I am even better at taking care of everyone else. Just some food for thought (((hugs))) sister.
**Rosebud - I can enjoy watching people in drinking situations too and it is a good reminder of what happens when too much is consumed. Plus most of the people I know never take it to the level I took it so I know for me, it probably looked ten times worse. LOL
**WhoDey – two kids in HS! I don’t envy you. I am sure you will be super busy with all their activities. How fun! My oldest still isn’t talking to me and the thought of missing all her senior year excitement makes me so sad.
I have been working intensely with my sponsor these last few months. I think I told you guys I have a really good one now. We talk about everything and she has helped me so much. Emotional sobriety is next level sh*t for us. How am I gonna be happy? What makes me happy? What do I enjoy? Who am I now that I don't drink? Take away the labels (mom, daughter, wife, employee, etc) and the past experiences (all of it - the drinking, the bad, the good) and WHO the f#ck am I? Number one on my list has to be: sober. Next is grateful. Kind, thoughtful, loving, spiritual...all of those follow in some order but I have to remember #1 and 2 are the foundation of everything else. When things are tough and life is coming at me I don't want to just react. That’s not me – that’s a reflection of whatever is happening magnified by my current level of emotion. It’s variable. How do I get there quickly? I write a gratitude list when I am feeling used or unappreciated or pi$$ed at my current situation. My problems today are a luxury. By that I mean I GET to have them. If I hadn't gotten sober who knows where I'd be now - I drank and drove regularly – maybe I die in a car crash, maybe I would have added other substances to reach the same place, maybe I overdose, maybe I am in jail...you get the point. Another thing I do is find someone else to help. I will usually call my granny first but it can be as small as carrying someone's groceries to their car. Last night I picked up my neighbors trash cans that an animal had gotten into. They'll never know but it helped me get out of my own head and feel useful. These are things I am working on and just ideas I am sharing with you all. Maybe you will hear something helpful, maybe not. Either way, thank you for letting me organize my thoughts! It helps me to put them into action.
As they say in AA - progress not perfection.
Love you all! XOXO
You know what I love about this little group of ours? I get busy and wrapped up in my head...don't come around for a bit and start feeling squirrelly. I check in here and see that you guys are right there with me. I certainly don't want you to feel the way I do when it's not a good feeling but it is so comforting knowing I am not alone...we are not unique. This is the up and down! Guess what? These new highs and lows are way more manageable than they were when I was drinking. I don't want to go back to that. My lows were almost unbearable there at the end. I couldn't stand myself – I couldn't stand being in my own head and something had to change.
**DD - I remember that resentment when I was married. My ex had the same type of job. Wine, dine, travel...the whole bit and he always claimed to hate it. That almost made it worse for me - like, at least appreciate it! Sheesh. Do you have something that is just you? Just yours? I love to play sports so I joined some rec type teams and it is all mine. I have made my own friends. I won't share it either. I am dating AA guy still and I hold on tight to my thing. I know you are busy with the kids and stuff but you deserve something for just you too. As women, moms, daughters, etc. - we are always taking care of others. I have found that when I am taking good care of Cindy I am even better at taking care of everyone else. Just some food for thought (((hugs))) sister.
**Rosebud - I can enjoy watching people in drinking situations too and it is a good reminder of what happens when too much is consumed. Plus most of the people I know never take it to the level I took it so I know for me, it probably looked ten times worse. LOL
**WhoDey – two kids in HS! I don’t envy you. I am sure you will be super busy with all their activities. How fun! My oldest still isn’t talking to me and the thought of missing all her senior year excitement makes me so sad.
I have been working intensely with my sponsor these last few months. I think I told you guys I have a really good one now. We talk about everything and she has helped me so much. Emotional sobriety is next level sh*t for us. How am I gonna be happy? What makes me happy? What do I enjoy? Who am I now that I don't drink? Take away the labels (mom, daughter, wife, employee, etc) and the past experiences (all of it - the drinking, the bad, the good) and WHO the f#ck am I? Number one on my list has to be: sober. Next is grateful. Kind, thoughtful, loving, spiritual...all of those follow in some order but I have to remember #1 and 2 are the foundation of everything else. When things are tough and life is coming at me I don't want to just react. That’s not me – that’s a reflection of whatever is happening magnified by my current level of emotion. It’s variable. How do I get there quickly? I write a gratitude list when I am feeling used or unappreciated or pi$$ed at my current situation. My problems today are a luxury. By that I mean I GET to have them. If I hadn't gotten sober who knows where I'd be now - I drank and drove regularly – maybe I die in a car crash, maybe I would have added other substances to reach the same place, maybe I overdose, maybe I am in jail...you get the point. Another thing I do is find someone else to help. I will usually call my granny first but it can be as small as carrying someone's groceries to their car. Last night I picked up my neighbors trash cans that an animal had gotten into. They'll never know but it helped me get out of my own head and feel useful. These are things I am working on and just ideas I am sharing with you all. Maybe you will hear something helpful, maybe not. Either way, thank you for letting me organize my thoughts! It helps me to put them into action.
As they say in AA - progress not perfection.
Love you all! XOXO
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Cindy, as usual, your posts are incredibly helpful. I have been experiencing more anxiety than usual and you are right, gratitude lists and thinking of things that I can do for others really helps with this.
My husband and I had a very good clearing of the air. As painful as it was, I think it was needed. We are both codependent, people pleasing types from dysfunctional backgrounds. So, we are both really good at holding everything in until it all just explodes. We both talked about each of us having individual needs that have to be fulfilled in our own ways. While I don't miss the particulars of my old job, I do miss having a job, so I am going to be working on my resume this week or weekend and start putting some feelers out.
Also, I am seriously considering joining AA, mostly because I think I could greatly benefit from doing the steps and working with a sponsor, especially when I hear how beneficial your relationship has been, Cindy. Also, I would like to meet some fun, sober people to hang out with. How did you find your sponsor? How did you know she is the right one? Honestly, I have huge trust issues and somehow, I always seem to end up in relationships where I am the helper/guider/leader. I really don't want to fall into that trap because I feel like I really need some help and guidance from an emotional sobriety viewpoint.
Thanks again, Cindy!
My husband and I had a very good clearing of the air. As painful as it was, I think it was needed. We are both codependent, people pleasing types from dysfunctional backgrounds. So, we are both really good at holding everything in until it all just explodes. We both talked about each of us having individual needs that have to be fulfilled in our own ways. While I don't miss the particulars of my old job, I do miss having a job, so I am going to be working on my resume this week or weekend and start putting some feelers out.
Also, I am seriously considering joining AA, mostly because I think I could greatly benefit from doing the steps and working with a sponsor, especially when I hear how beneficial your relationship has been, Cindy. Also, I would like to meet some fun, sober people to hang out with. How did you find your sponsor? How did you know she is the right one? Honestly, I have huge trust issues and somehow, I always seem to end up in relationships where I am the helper/guider/leader. I really don't want to fall into that trap because I feel like I really need some help and guidance from an emotional sobriety viewpoint.
Thanks again, Cindy!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
DD, I've been quietly sitting here listening to your conversation. Cindy had great wisdom to share. I very much cherish the fact that although we are small in number, we are great in the depth of our sharing.
Still, there is something to be said for face-to-face relationships. If you feel the need then AA may have something to offer.
DD, do you consider yourself a perfectionist?
Still, there is something to be said for face-to-face relationships. If you feel the need then AA may have something to offer.
DD, do you consider yourself a perfectionist?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
No, Whodey, I don't think that I am a perfectionist. I think that I am compulsive, that I think too much, that I am too "deep" for my own good sometimes and I have high energy/standards. I expect a lot out of myself and others, but I am never trying to reach the ultimate impossible goal of "perfect." I honestly think my biggest issue is trying to break out of my codependent/people pleaser/control freak mode. I am curious why you asked. Are you perfectionistic? Do you perceive me as perfectionistic?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
DD ... "Perfectionist" might not be the right word. You are very intelligent and sometimes that can get in the way of taking care of our own issues. I say that from personal experience. In the past, I have had a difficult time stripping away my "layers" and being completely honest. Not so much honest with myself, but honest with the process of healing.
By that I mean, if someone asks me a question (let's say it relates to recovery), I probably know the right answer. At least I know what I think the right answer is. How difficult it is for me to open up and admit that while I know the "right" answer, I may not be at that point. We do this all the time. "How are you doing today?" Great! "How was your weekend?" Awesome. We become very adept at giving people the "right" answer. We rush to have everything fixed.
Women, more so than men, seem to be pleasers and caretakers and often put their needs behind those of others. That's a dangerous trap as the needs of others will never be completely satisfied which means there will never be an optimal time for the caretaker to address their own needs.
That's long, rambling and probably incoherent! If you feel the need to take the time to address some deep concerns, AA might be a mechanism for doing so.
Compared to some whom (who? whom?) I "read" on SR, I have always felt like I was more fragile. I had my doubts and temptations. For a long time I missed the pleasurable aspects of drinking. I'm at a different place now and my spirituality has been a significant driver in that transformation. It sounds simplistic, but I finally got to a point where I could just move on from alcohol. It has become a non-issue for me.
Rambling ...
By that I mean, if someone asks me a question (let's say it relates to recovery), I probably know the right answer. At least I know what I think the right answer is. How difficult it is for me to open up and admit that while I know the "right" answer, I may not be at that point. We do this all the time. "How are you doing today?" Great! "How was your weekend?" Awesome. We become very adept at giving people the "right" answer. We rush to have everything fixed.
Women, more so than men, seem to be pleasers and caretakers and often put their needs behind those of others. That's a dangerous trap as the needs of others will never be completely satisfied which means there will never be an optimal time for the caretaker to address their own needs.
That's long, rambling and probably incoherent! If you feel the need to take the time to address some deep concerns, AA might be a mechanism for doing so.
Compared to some whom (who? whom?) I "read" on SR, I have always felt like I was more fragile. I had my doubts and temptations. For a long time I missed the pleasurable aspects of drinking. I'm at a different place now and my spirituality has been a significant driver in that transformation. It sounds simplistic, but I finally got to a point where I could just move on from alcohol. It has become a non-issue for me.
Rambling ...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
... more rambling ...
I asked how you felt about alcoholism as a disease, because I'm not sure how I feel about it. Regarding myself, it doesn't much matter really, as I know alcohol is not a healthy choice for me, so I choose not to drink. Labels don't come into play.
I think of diseases as being physical in nature and my issue with alcohol was psychological in my opinion. There may be a physical component, but, at the very least, it was mostly mental. A habit. A habit born out of a desire to escape. Perhaps it would have become more physical the more I drank. Perhaps I was predisposed because of my personality towards substance abuse. Is there a physical component to that? I don't know.
Again, labels don't matter when I look at my own situation. Regardless of the cause, the solution is sobriety. In the end, that's all that matters.
... rambling ...
I asked how you felt about alcoholism as a disease, because I'm not sure how I feel about it. Regarding myself, it doesn't much matter really, as I know alcohol is not a healthy choice for me, so I choose not to drink. Labels don't come into play.
I think of diseases as being physical in nature and my issue with alcohol was psychological in my opinion. There may be a physical component, but, at the very least, it was mostly mental. A habit. A habit born out of a desire to escape. Perhaps it would have become more physical the more I drank. Perhaps I was predisposed because of my personality towards substance abuse. Is there a physical component to that? I don't know.
Again, labels don't matter when I look at my own situation. Regardless of the cause, the solution is sobriety. In the end, that's all that matters.
... rambling ...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
... even more rambling ...
Gratitude. I always considered myself as a person with gratitude. I had an event, however, some twenty plus years ago that knocked the piers out from under my view of self. I was stripped bare and started from scratch. I can speak at some other time about that event, but it humbled me to the core. I knew without a doubt that I was a flawed creature and that any illusions I had regarding "right thinking" were just that ... illusions. My gratitude went to an entirely different level.
I have not used AA, but I have been tempted to check out a meeting for one reason. In a world where everyone acts like they've got it together, I think it remarkable for there to exist a community where members understand at a deep level their own powerlessness and who cultivate a reliance upon something outside of themselves. You might think that is an environment that you would find in most churches, but I wonder. Even at church we act like we have it all together when sometimes the truth is that we are falling apart.
So how does that relate to gratitude? You may have heard the Leonard Cohen song "Anthem." I often think of the chorus:
DD ... I said that you're very intelligent, but you're also very honest. Oh, for more honest people in the world! Find your cracks and then accept them rather than fight them as something to fix ... as something to perfect. Rather use them as windows.
... end of ramble.
Gratitude. I always considered myself as a person with gratitude. I had an event, however, some twenty plus years ago that knocked the piers out from under my view of self. I was stripped bare and started from scratch. I can speak at some other time about that event, but it humbled me to the core. I knew without a doubt that I was a flawed creature and that any illusions I had regarding "right thinking" were just that ... illusions. My gratitude went to an entirely different level.
I have not used AA, but I have been tempted to check out a meeting for one reason. In a world where everyone acts like they've got it together, I think it remarkable for there to exist a community where members understand at a deep level their own powerlessness and who cultivate a reliance upon something outside of themselves. You might think that is an environment that you would find in most churches, but I wonder. Even at church we act like we have it all together when sometimes the truth is that we are falling apart.
So how does that relate to gratitude? You may have heard the Leonard Cohen song "Anthem." I often think of the chorus:
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
I have lived those words. Thoughts of perfection left me a long time ago as I have my cracks. Yet, rather than dwell on being flawed, I try to focus on the light that is revealed as a result. Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
DD ... I said that you're very intelligent, but you're also very honest. Oh, for more honest people in the world! Find your cracks and then accept them rather than fight them as something to fix ... as something to perfect. Rather use them as windows.
... end of ramble.
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